Work Stress? Err don't think so mate!

[thenamehaschanged]

I can't copy and paste a link rather annoyingly - but this is my follow on thread from my original How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

It burst at the seams with all the fantastic MN support I received and so I have started a new one as I carry on my journey of divorcing my very abusive husband.

Hi Name

i was gutted to read about the comment he made about the girl crime and your mother FGS, I am so sorry she cannot put your needs before her own...

You on the other hand are fantastic and do put your kids needs before your own, you have demonstrated this by organising the party and will do again Monday when you go to the Solicitor. Please drive forward now with the WA arrangements and reach the finish line for all of us that are rooting for you and furthermore, for you and your kids sweetheart.

You have the best wishes of us all driving you on, your parents may not also be behind you as they should be, but we are honey, keep on going, you are so close :) big hugs matie x

And a quick hello to Dinnae if you don't mind, hope you are ok too x

Hi tim hi thename Yep we are waiting for a date for the op and hopefully all will be clear at the scan after it and all will be well.
I have had a 'full and interesting life' lots of boyfriends and I didn't get married until I was 40 as I had never met someone I wanted to make that much of a commitment to. I have now found my lovely DH who is such a lovely bloke in every sense and we have been married 11 years now and it has been utterly brilliant. I am terrified that all this will be taken away from us with this horrible diagnosis. There are some absolute golden blokes out there people. My DH is one of the good guys. You deserve someone like him name KOKO. You now know what you don't want and can look for what you do. I have had my share of total knob blokes though and it sort of creeps up on you. I and so many are cheering you on!

Name im so sorry youve been upset and had interrupted sleep this morning . Home truths are something ppl like that never want to hear.
Hope you treat yourself to something nice

Thank you petals, Tim, darkest and Dinnae

That was lovely Dinnae, encouraging and your hubby sounds wonderful - wishing you all the luck in the world with his treatment

Thanks Tim, I don't even consider that I'm putting the girls first, I just naturally do - I couldn't not do a party for my big girl she deserves it and she'd kill me if I robbed her of the chance to flirt with the boys in a party dress she's terrible for it!!

Good point Petals, I will see. Just me and the parents in tonight, H has taken the girls round to his brothers. Parents came in earlier and apologised for having a right go at me last night, I just said that's fine I'm used to it

I'm busying myself upstairs though, tidying and stuff. Feel loads better now, but earlier on, well I can understand why people feel they can't go on sometimes. Took a lot to muster the energy to go shopping, but I did it and ended up buying stuff for the girls! I ventured into a couple of shops for me but I'm still not there yet - I just can't be arsed with changing rooms and looking at myself - really looking forward to properly focusing on me soon! I'll bloody need to if I'm to meet someone as decent as your hubby Dinnae

Dinnae he sounds lovely.

Glad a bit of retail therapy has cheered you up a bit Name.
Hope you got your Galaxy

Well done for picking yourself up today. It is so tough what you are going through and you are managing. Your mum is a thorn in your side and yes distance will help.

Oh I did Darkest! And Haribo!

Thank you Random yeah took a bit of effort, but it's got to be done!

Is today the day? I do hope so - at last!

How are you sweetie? Xx

Thanks Daffs

I went and saw my solicitor this morning to discuss what's happening next now that the papers are ready. My only reasonable choice is to have him served at work and H revealed yesterday that he is going to be out of the office 'on location' on weds, thurs and fri this week which has scuppered it a bit because as my parents are still here until probably Wednesday, I want to do it when they are safely out of the way.

So, we are looking at next Monday morning. She's going to look into costs of it as it's about £200 to have it delivered personally.

She has advised against the non molestation. Not least because it can cost upwards of about £2000 which I didn't realise - it is there if I need it in future, but she feels serving one alongside the papers right away could well be like lighting the touch paper especially in terms of finances and also it would delay getting him served now as it's quite time consuming to draw one up, go to court etc.

She has also advised against leaving the house which I knew she would as I know that is standard practice even though she recognises that this is a domestically violent situation.

So the way next Monday is measuring up is this - he receives the papers at work in the morning, will explode and will be on the phone to me constantly. He will probably walk out of work for the day to come home for 'crisis' talks and that she thinks we will see from there what happens....and there are always the police although the Freedom Programme lady actually warned me that, call the police if you really need them but if it can be avoided, don't because when the police come to the home, SS are automatically involved and they can make life very difficult indeed.

The solicitor asked if we were sleeping in the same room at the moment which we are as my parents are here - have there been any sexual relations? No, but he has tried a couple of times - so she said best to start living separately in the house as soon as my parents go, which we do anyway.

I have been feeling really strong yesterday and this morning - I still feel totally right in my head - you know, so what we're married, this is shit and I want it over, end of - but I am a little freaked at the safety nets I have not looking so reliable at the moment. My solicitors opinion is very much 'let's see what happens'.

Women's Aid it is then.

Bugger

No matter what happens, you can do it and you will be better off in the end

Not leaving the house is for ensuring you can stay there with the children though, isnt it? Didnt you say you wanted to sell anyway? Surely that would make that bit of advice irrelevant, and mean you could go to the refuge?

Thanks Beyond

Well yes that's what I thought but I think if I leave and left him in the house, then I have in effect made myself and the girls homeless and given him more rights and say over what happens with the house.

It would eventually be sold but that could be a year or more down the line. She wants me and the girls here because it is our home and they need to be here for school.

It's a case of being brave and standing my ground I think. He is much more capable of moving out.

I'm not sure about staying in the house....

I'm no expert, but whats to stop him just staying in the house TOO?

This forum is littered with guys who won't vacate. Just the other day there was a thread with a guy who'd been sleeping on the sofa since January!

Given your husbands cold obstinacy, I suspect he'll just refuse to go. Then you will be in a terrible limbo. You think living with him now is bad!

You will still end up having to get some sort of order to get him out, and that may take time.

Other people will have more legal know how than me, but since the house will be sold anyway I'm not sure how it benefits you to stay in it. What does it matter in the long run? He will have to support the three of you in a new rented house anyway under the terms of your separation. Its not like you'll be homeless.

And at least you can turn your key in the lock knowing he's not in there waiting to glare and hiss at you.

So I vote Refuge. This limbo has dragged on long enough.

Name this is not the first time ive balked at your solicitors advice. Im getting a bit worried about her attitude. She shows a real lack of understanding of emotional abuse. I find her stance very worrying. Shes supposed to be working for you FFS. I vote Refuge too. And if you do go to a Refuge i think they will be quite surprised and worried about her advice too.

It's complicated Anna and there are all sorts of legal implications so it's a case of tough choices when you divorce.

Ideally, when you divorce you want it to be as cheap and stressful as possible. Unfortunately....

He can stay in the house too if he chooses to. However, it is just very, very unpleasant for everyone, ramps up the stress and makes divorce so very bitter. So although he could go elsewhere, to compel him to do so will cost around 3K in legal fees.

If you move out of the house, you 'prove' you are able to meet your needs elsewhere, so it affects the settlement/maintenance etc. This generally has adverse affects on the earner, not the receiver, in divorce. Staying in the house, means you already have a place which he has a vested interest in, and that's a very useful negotiation tool.

If a wife and children move to a refuge, then it affects how your divorce is conducted - it makes it more complicated and more expensive (ironically). It makes your divorce more likely to be acrimonious because you've labelled the spouse a 'wife beater' by association.

And they don't like to see themselves in a bad light at all. However, where violence is concerned, the obvious choice is to go to a refuge.

However, I've learnt today, it does get you out of mediation! Although, to be fair, mediation is a good thing in many divorces so not something you would necessarily want to opt out of.

" Freedom Programme lady actually warned me that, call the police if you really need them but if it can be avoided, don't because when the police come to the home, SS are automatically involved and they can make life very difficult indeed"

WHAAAAAAAAAAATTTT

Your solicitor has a point about your rights to the house & I don't really see why you should have to leave just because your husband is an arse. The usual procedure is non-molestation/occupation order.

You can get an emergency non-molestation/occupation order from the NCDV which you can get in 24 hours if necessary. They have their own lawyers so you don't have to go through the whole rigmarole your solicitor describes.

I wouldn't hesitate personally to call the police if he kicks off. Social services will be on your side. (Incidentally having to call police will help you get an emergency injunction as described above).

I agree Freedom Programme lady gave very odd advice.

I suspect what the FP lady means is that it really upsetting to have Social Services in your life, asking questions, and making sure you are doing a good job bringing them up.

A child who has to witness violence in the home is not a happy child. The rights of the child are paramount, so SS will check that they are not being infringed. This usually means that if there has been DV, further harm is prevented in the future. That can only be a good thing for the beatee and the children.

However, SS have to satisfy themselves the children's rights are being protected by both adults, so that's the process. It is an intrusion on your life, but so is divorce.

Oh yeah, i meant to at that too! That is f-ing awful advice from someone who is meant to be onside!! In fact, if anything, I'd recommend calling CSS yourself and inform them of the situation! Always looks better coming from you than someone else.

If you leave with an abusive man, CSS will want you to leave. You're trying to, and will do. They will be happy with that.

Btw the NCDV services are free. Not sure if that applies to the order itself, you can call them and ask.

It's precisely this kind of conundrum that keeps women locked in. You're damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Or at least it can seem that way when you're in the thick of it.

Thank you everyone, my only voices of reason it seems!

My mother thinks serving him at work is possibly the worst thing I could do but on the other hand understands why I can't just hand them to him in person at home.....I'm like, yep thanks for that mum

I think my solicitor is underestimating him.

I agree that your solicitor doesn't seem up to the job. Mine was a total wuss. I was horrified when I found MN and discovered what she should have done on my behalf! She basically seemed to think I was over-reacting, when I really needed someone to go "God, he's a controlling twat! We need to show him what's what!"

You can imagine, I'm sure, my JOY at reading "WA it is, then"!
Go speak to people who get it,

"Damned if you do, damned if you don't" is the whole thing in divorce: it's a long process of shitness. It ends though...it's just takes a while.

Your solicitor will already know what you can afford and will advise you to keep costs as low as possible (believe it or not). To have an easy divorce, means not making your divorce acrimonious.

A person going to a refuge makes the spouse a 'wife/husband beater' (in the eyes of society).

If you are considering a refuge, you have to be absolutely sure that you need it, because it guarantees you are going to be given abuse for months by way of the divorce. After all, you have made a decision that he has not personally approved and you've defined him as a 'wife beater'.

Do you know anyone who says, "oh shit, I'm sorry about that, I can see my behaviour was so awful now you've done that. Here have your divorce, I'll make this easy for you, just say what you want and I'll go along with it, I'm a just so ashamed of myself"

Few, if any.

By the way, I'm having an acrimonious divorce - but my husband didn't go into a refuge! I am just not accepting what he is telling me I'm going to get. 'Tis all.

So going to a refuge inflames the situation and should only be considered on the basis of actual need. Otherwise we'd all be trying to get into a refuge (free hotel, super!) in order to get out of mediation, attempt to get legal aid etc. The consequences of going to a refuge can be significant, but it absolutely has to be done if you and your children are at risk of serious harm.

You can't have a happy divorce if one of you is dead.