How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

[thenamehaschanged]

H rents a room close to his work and comes back to the family home at the weekend (the family home is only 40 minutes max to his work by the way!)
He manages a department, has a lot of responsibility and pressure, has to give presentations daily which he says he hates and works often to about 7.30/8pm after an early start so I am in no way doubting he's busy and stressed at times. There is also a hell of a lot of socialising and boozing pretty much all week with trips to karaoke bars, top restaurants where he is simply the life and soul.
What I get coming through the door at the weekend though is a moody, sullen, withdrawn shell of a man who when asked if ok either doesn't respond or looks at you with mild scorn. He is so resentful, jealous even, that he has to work - and hates me for being more at home with the kids which is where he wants to be. you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Needless to say I can't wait for him to just fuck off back out the door again Monday morning!
He is controlling and abusive and I am going to see a solicitor next week - I have tried to end the marriage many times but his grip just gets tighter. The last occasion was this week, I snapped (again) told him it was over and that I am seeing a solicitor - I won't go on too long about it all but his continual defence of how horrible he is is that (after he's told me that I'm just as abusive which I really really am not) he's stressed, under pressure and doesn't want to be doing this job even though it pays well and comes with lots of perks. It's a job he trained specifically to do, he did leave it for 8 years as there were elements he didn't like, to build his own business which failed (he was an arse then as well) there's no other job he will entertain doing and so he's back doing his old job.
And I am embarrassed to say that here I am totally lobotomised and spaghetti headed, still in the marriage, agreeing to counselling :( which I really don't want to do) and thinking does he have a point. I wouldn't like to have to give loads of presentations for instance.

Who doesn't take any notice of when they get paid? Who takes no interest in household finances, budgeting, what bills we have, doesn't even know how to log on to internet banking and is supposed to be intelligent. Keeps telling me how much more intelligent than me he is.

He has 'given' you the responsibility so that when he sabotages things you get the blame! It also 'looks' as though he is not controlling, i.e. you are the one that 'controls' the money side of things. But really he does, by his extraordinary behaviour with regard to his wages and the mortgage, and his moving of goalposts expectations of you. He probably enjoys putting you under stress.

He makes damn sure it is ALL YOUR FAULT

What a nasty piece of work he is.

he can sort it out if I just give him a call Bollocks. Don't call him. Call the mortgage company or the bank, or both.

I bet he has enjoyed putting you into emergency situation re wages/mortgage payment. Don't feed his needs by engaging further with him.

Christ, you will be well rid of him!

He's like a teenage boy who lives an independent, responsibility-free life during the week, comes home to be petulant to his mum on weekends; while insisting that she is wholly responsible for his finances and blameable for all his fuck ups.

Totally immature.

Phone rang as I was reading the texts so I answered - only because I just don't want to stoke up anymore shit right now - he wants the mortgage account no and phone number, he's going to sort it but in future I must flag this up BEFORE payday, send him 5 texts, send him a fucking cake with it written on, anything just so that this problem doesn't happen again. It's called team work, he thought we were a team, it's not just down to him and that if I don't get what team work Is I should go brush up on it with a couple of episodes of Sesame Street!!

You know, I don't care I just want the mortgage paid now, I can't cope with that on top of everything and I can't wait to get in front of the solicitor

Thank you thank you everyone - am going to read your link garlic when I get a minute - got to take the kids to the dentist

He needs to watch a couple of Sesame Street episodes on adulthood.

He is responsible for his payday and the mortgage as it's coming out of his account. If he fucks up he doesn't get to pass the buck.

Really? It's someone else's responsibility to ensure that he does his job properly (yes, doing time sheets and submitting them in a timely fashion is part of his job) and gets paid?

If his employers knew exactly how incompetent in this area he was do you think they'd blame you, think it was all your fault? Of course not. He knows this, it's all bluster, smoke and mirrors.

Sesame Street? And he wonders why you dislike him so much.......

He sounds a right dick head ! How are you supposed to sort his time sheets ? Quicker you get away the better.

but in future I must flag this up BEFORE payday, send him 5 texts, send him a fucking cake with it written on, anything just so that this problem doesn't happen again.

He actually thinks he is in charge of you and can tell you what to do and how to do it. He seems to spend an inordinate amount of time designing things especially to put you in the wrong He fucking loves it doesn't he? He has NO a very warped understanding of what teamwork is. He uses phrases like that simply to PUT YOU IN THE WRONG.

Perfect, PERFECT find, Twinkle!

Have read thread and agree that he is horrible to you.

About the latest pay problem, have you considered the possibility of his salary being paid elsewhere, then he transfers it to current account at a time of his choosing? Him asking for mortgage details, saying he can sort this now would suggest to me that he's been paid already and just wants to make you anxious.

Also, I work part time, if I didn't get paid I would be sorting it out myself, not ranting at my husband to do it for me and blaming him. My husband works full time, he is responsible for ensuring he gets paid. We might moan at each other about things but don't hold each other responsible.

He's an arse. The only positive thing in all this is that you are now seeing very clearly just how much of an arse.

Keep that at the front of your mind if you start to weaken. He is an arse. You don't deserve to be treated like that.

I would definately add financial abuse to the list, seeing how he demands you take responsibility for all the household finance and his work timesheets?! Unbelievable.

This is precisely so he can deliberately mess it all up and hurl the blame barrels at you.

Take care with your next steps, he really could flip and blow up in a nasty way.

Christ op what a nob. You are doing great so far (just read the full thread). Regarding the money stuff and pretty much everything else that you do , take heart from the fact that your h will not know what hits him when you are no longer doing it all.

Keep strong, your children and yourself deserve to be free safe and happy. They are old enough to begin to see their father for what he is. They may surprise you with their acceptance of a divorce and may be very relieved to not be living under this atmosphere.

Good luck!

Twinkle your link was perfect thank you so much for making me laugh out loud on such a shitter of a morning!

Fantastic, garlic, everyone thank you, your words mean everything right now.

Think he's sorted it, he texted me needing the amount it is to get it paid by card (yes that's right, doesn't know what his monthly mortgage payment is and it hasn't changed in 7 years) What card is paying it I have no idea, definitely not a card of his, probably a company one or something and they will deduct it from his salary. Have also had 2 other texts - I'm sorry and I don't want to fight.

I texted my mum to let her know, she came back with one word, Arsehole!

I totally see even this now - my god is there nothing he hasn't been abusive over? I must have bottom of the toilet bowl self esteem to have been accepting this shite treatment and taking on his problems as my responsibility.

Someone suggested counselling just for me up thread somewhere - think I will when this is all over. Not cosy sit and chat about feelings stuff but proper, dynamic Oi love, you're being a doormat, you need to stop it, type!

thenamehaschanged
Delurking to join the chorus, you are on the right track and doing Great.

My impression of your husband's behavior is that he will choose the opposite of anything you declare is your preference or want or need...even down to a cuppa. He frustrates you on purpose for entertainment value...as well as purposefully creating a platform from which to degrade, diminish, disrespect, and any other mechanism of emotional abuse he can employ against you. He is a mean avatars and I fully get you looking forward to Monday!

But the sea has changed now, hasn't it? Good for you!!

I agree with adjusting the mortgage due date as suggested above. But don't be surprised if he has already done so and plays this monthly script on you for fun.

The only thing I can suggest (that has been on previous threads but has not been mentioned here yet) is to do a clear out of stuff so you can edit out things you and your girls don't need anymore and thus won't have to bother with when you do go. Frame it carefully if he notices...charity shops are a good thing to support and your girls are at the right age to learn this.

Another thing to consider might be to go ahead and safe guard your most precious things, baby photos, etc. You could go ahead and send a box to your folks for safe keeping, or even rent a safe deposit box in your name only.

Best wishes and good luck!

avatars? Try bastard

Someone suggested counselling just for me up thread somewhere - think I will when this is all over. Why wait? Seriously, putting yourself, your wellbeing and your health first, really making it a priority from now on, will make you feel empowered.

Counselling is a great idea. It will help you to see the truth. I was amazed at my Counsellors face when I told her some stuff. She was flabbergasted and she must have heard some bad stories in her time. It made me realise what is normal and acceptable and what isn't. I was shocked at what I had accepted for a long time as being normal.

So it's someone else's job to remind him to put his time sheets in.
Someone else's job to make sure he gets paid.
He has no idea how much his mortgage payment is.
And he thinks he's more intelligent than you, thename. He really does live in his own little world, doesn't he.

I would start texting him now.

Dear twat,
The mortgage payment is due 30th September. It's XXX amount (as it has been for the past 7 years)
Just a heads up!

Then repeat daily.
As it gets to a week before payday, ramp it up to morning, noon and night.

He'll soon tell you stop it!
I just wouldn't be able to resist!
But that's just me!