How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

[thenamehaschanged]

H rents a room close to his work and comes back to the family home at the weekend (the family home is only 40 minutes max to his work by the way!)
He manages a department, has a lot of responsibility and pressure, has to give presentations daily which he says he hates and works often to about 7.30/8pm after an early start so I am in no way doubting he's busy and stressed at times. There is also a hell of a lot of socialising and boozing pretty much all week with trips to karaoke bars, top restaurants where he is simply the life and soul.
What I get coming through the door at the weekend though is a moody, sullen, withdrawn shell of a man who when asked if ok either doesn't respond or looks at you with mild scorn. He is so resentful, jealous even, that he has to work - and hates me for being more at home with the kids which is where he wants to be. you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Needless to say I can't wait for him to just fuck off back out the door again Monday morning!
He is controlling and abusive and I am going to see a solicitor next week - I have tried to end the marriage many times but his grip just gets tighter. The last occasion was this week, I snapped (again) told him it was over and that I am seeing a solicitor - I won't go on too long about it all but his continual defence of how horrible he is is that (after he's told me that I'm just as abusive which I really really am not) he's stressed, under pressure and doesn't want to be doing this job even though it pays well and comes with lots of perks. It's a job he trained specifically to do, he did leave it for 8 years as there were elements he didn't like, to build his own business which failed (he was an arse then as well) there's no other job he will entertain doing and so he's back doing his old job.
And I am embarrassed to say that here I am totally lobotomised and spaghetti headed, still in the marriage, agreeing to counselling :( which I really don't want to do) and thinking does he have a point. I wouldn't like to have to give loads of presentations for instance.

Ok ok I'll phone them tomorrow

Cross posts - thanks wyrdy x

:) You are pretty amazing, you know!

... you certainly are!

thank you - I hope so - I hope I can see it through to the end this time - I am really grateful for all your support X

Behind you all the way, OP.

Fingers crossed for you OP

God hes an arsehole. Lives away some of the time (so he can have a bit of the single life) then comes home and is an abusive shit.

Apart from in front of others when he gets to play Happily Married Man.

You and your lovely DC are worth so much more OP. My support and good thoughts to you

Thank you bland and darkest

What Darkesteyes says x 1000

He's an arsehole and a very abusive one at that. Your dds will be so much happier in a refuge with him removed from their lives than coping with the current situation it must be awful for them.

It's his payday today, the same day the mortgage is due and he hasn't been paid.

I have to chase him to make sure he gets paid every single month. It's a fairly new job he's in where the set up is he's supposed to do time sheets in order to get paid.

Making sure he gets paid, chasing him to sort it out every month is something I have had to do for years. All through his self employment and now for some stupid reason when he's back working for a proper company again?

I've been waking up on mortgage day without enough funds in the bank to cover it for years. I'm so sick and tired.

He called me asking to move money over from the savings (my solicitor fund) and I just had a right go - he tried to pull the 'well in fairness this is something you should have mentioned last week' card, but last week he had told me someone was sorting it now and last month I sent him a text detailing exactly when the mortgage (which is 7 years old by the way) comes out and the implications if it doesn't get paid (we were almost repossessed in his self employment days when I was at home with a newborn and 2 year old) family bailed us out but the anxiety has never, ever left me.

The mortgage does eventually get paid, funds usually turn up in the afternoon - but I can't bear having to live like this. Even now, 6 years on from the repossession nightmare, I still feel anxious when post comes through the letterbox everyday wondering what it is. All bills are paid now but those times have never left me - and he didn't give a shit at the time. He left me to deal with it all while he just kept 'working'.... for 7 days a week. In work all weekend as well all week.

Can't help thinking this is financial abuse as well. I mean, it's not right is it?

I think I will give it to the solicitor as the reason why I want to sell the house and start fresh somewhere that I can afford and that I am in control of. I couldn't remain here myself panicking every month. :(

P.s I don't have enough in my 'savings' to cover a mortgage payment otherwise I would pay it from there.

This is what I mean about all his guff over a villa holiday?

Feeling baffled by the knob again!

I think you need to put out of your head any notions of him admitting or understanding or agreeing with any of this.

Stick with your side of things if you see what I mean...

You hate him. You don't want to be with him. That's it.

Him saying I won't throw it all away without counselling, we owe it to the children to try, we will fix it together, I love you and the kids is all very likely. But you already know this and so can be prepared with your stock phrases... I'm sorry you feel that way, but my mind is made up. I don't love you. I don't want to be in this marriage.

Be prepared to be accused of selfishness, mentalness etc. but you don't have to engage with him on those points, or justify or make him understand. Forget that.

This is your one life. You are not obliged to spend it with him.

Also, as far as the mil is concerned, I think it is highly likely she has played her part in how he has come to be like this.

It is not your job to make him or his parents understand or accept what happens. Concentrate solely on saving yourself and your dcs.

"My last experience of a holiday with you was very unpleasant. I will not be repeating it. So stop asking me to book a villa. I'm not going to."

I suppose I'm saying stick with the 'I' statements and forget about the 'you' statements.

I find it intolerable.

I don't want this.

Just had a nasty bitching row on the phone - he was laying it on thick that it's my responsibility to make sure he gets paid, not his, I wasn't using the correct wording with him in all my reminders apparently, instead of asking are we going to get paid - i should have been more date specific. Not send 1 text, send him 4, I'm not working I've got all this free time to sort it all.

Is it me? He tried to get a few derogatory names in there. I kept calling it all guff, what a joke, I've had enough, what a joke etc I tell him to fuck off and get it sorted and he drops the bombshell that we're not going to get paid before 5pm today and so I need to phone the mortgage company.

It's my worst nightmare come round again. I'm so upset

He sounds like a fool.

Sorry fantastic, great words, thank you they will hopefully come in usefully soon!

Who doesn't take any notice of when they get paid? Who takes no interest in household finances, budgeting, what bills we have, doesn't even know how to log on to internet banking and is supposed to be intelligent. Keeps telling me how much more intelligent than me he is.

I have switched off my mobile and disconnected the landline for now because I just can't hear anymore right now.

I'm so sorry he's doing this to you.
What an absolute arsehole!
Call the mortgage company, try not to panic.
You only need to defer for a couple of days.
Can you change the date that they take the mortgage out and build in some safety.
Hopefully you won't have to worry about it for much longer but in the short term it might help.
Don't forget to call WA today.
This just sounds too awful!
You are coping with all this so well. Might not feel like it, but you are.

Very, very good posts from Fantastic and hells.

Of course it's not you, name! How could it be? It is a good idea to have your payment date moved on a few days, but for god's sake don't tell him.

It is not your job to make him or his parents understand.

From Hidden Hurt again: "Financial abuse can take many forms, from denying you all access to funds, to making you solely responsible for all finances while handling money irresponsibly him or herself. Money becomes a tool by which the abuser can further control the victim"

he was laying it on thick that it's my responsibility to make sure he gets paid, not his, I wasn't using the correct wording with him in all my reminders apparently, instead of asking are we going to get paid - i should have been more date specific. Not send 1 text, send him 4, I'm not working I've got all this free time to sort it all

Never heard such ridiculous excuses. He fucked up and it's your fault. Right. He's a complete tool.

It's not you. Don't buy into his view of reality. Only he believes it.

What needs to be done right now, in the real world. Hang onto that. Sounds like a call to the mortgage co is in order?

If you can get yourself away soon, you won't have to deal with this again. It's a thought anyway?

Please turn your phone back on long enough to phone WA. I really think that at the very least you should have an escape plan in place.

I don't for one second think you need this confirmation, but just in case ...

Give a moment's thought to how this must appear to his employers. The guy works, does great presentations, spends his evenings with clients: so far, so good, but he doesn't do his timesheets? Wtf is that all about? Is our business just a hobby to him, or what?

Possible scenarios: [1] he's independently rich, doesn't need paying, so we should ask ourselves whether he's really interested in our business; [2] he's personally incompetent/disorganised, so we should keep an eye on him as we don't need a scatty fuckwit managing our revenue streams; [3] he has problems asking for money, in which case we definitely don't want him running our clients; [4] he's an entitled arsehole who expects to receive maximum pay without having to account for himself.

Impossible scenario: He's just so incredibly brilliant & devoted to our business, he almost forgets he's supposed to account for himself and do paperwork but, as he's such as asset, we'll assign him a personal assistant to run his life for him.

Failing to submit his accounts is unprofessional. It's not your job to compensate for this. Well, not unless you're going to apply for his job after he's sacked!

Thank you everyone

I switched my phone on to get through to WA but it's engaged. There are 7 texts on my phone asking me to call back, he knows I hate him and it's not just about this, but that's a seperate issue blah blah - he can sort it out if I just give him a call. Failing that give him the mortgage number and he'll sort it.

I don't know what to do