How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

[thenamehaschanged]

H rents a room close to his work and comes back to the family home at the weekend (the family home is only 40 minutes max to his work by the way!)
He manages a department, has a lot of responsibility and pressure, has to give presentations daily which he says he hates and works often to about 7.30/8pm after an early start so I am in no way doubting he's busy and stressed at times. There is also a hell of a lot of socialising and boozing pretty much all week with trips to karaoke bars, top restaurants where he is simply the life and soul.
What I get coming through the door at the weekend though is a moody, sullen, withdrawn shell of a man who when asked if ok either doesn't respond or looks at you with mild scorn. He is so resentful, jealous even, that he has to work - and hates me for being more at home with the kids which is where he wants to be. you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Needless to say I can't wait for him to just fuck off back out the door again Monday morning!
He is controlling and abusive and I am going to see a solicitor next week - I have tried to end the marriage many times but his grip just gets tighter. The last occasion was this week, I snapped (again) told him it was over and that I am seeing a solicitor - I won't go on too long about it all but his continual defence of how horrible he is is that (after he's told me that I'm just as abusive which I really really am not) he's stressed, under pressure and doesn't want to be doing this job even though it pays well and comes with lots of perks. It's a job he trained specifically to do, he did leave it for 8 years as there were elements he didn't like, to build his own business which failed (he was an arse then as well) there's no other job he will entertain doing and so he's back doing his old job.
And I am embarrassed to say that here I am totally lobotomised and spaghetti headed, still in the marriage, agreeing to counselling :( which I really don't want to do) and thinking does he have a point. I wouldn't like to have to give loads of presentations for instance.

I know wyrdy - apparently with the stress I put HIM under about this today he almost felt like just jacking it all in and walking out of his job. If only I could see how much work he has on, should he forward me all his emails so I can "sit at home" and read them, i need counselling and I must be mental if I don't agree that he needs little reminders about not just are we getting paid but actually when we need to get paid.

As I said, it's exhausting conversing with and it's good I'm writing it all down here.

Haha thanks the band, he's not quite an avatar! Thank you for your ideas though, agree fantastic and whatdoes, if will look into it, think it would be the same for me too whatdoes

anyway the good thing is they've paid him normally now and I've just this minute paid the mortgage on my debit card so hoorah for that.

I just need to make sure he doesn't come here tonight that's all - you know with all this madness and bad treatment of me - it's actually him who needs me more than the other way round - so after pouring on the abuse he'll appear vulnerable, tearful, doesn't want to fight etc.

Haha brilliant hells!! X

Name, I'm so sorry you are going through this nightmare. Make sure all your documents are safe: NI card, birth certificate, passport, car documents (insurance included), qualifications, P45/60,etc. Hire a PO box for any important correspondence (eg. solicitor, your personal bank account). A friend's ex hid all of her documents, kept and used the spare key of the car, sold her jewlry....

Well as part of the "playing nice" why dont you suggest putting a reminder on his phone? That way you have offered a reasonable solution and his reaction (ie that it is totally unreasonable) is just something else to keep you strong in the knowledge that you are not in the wrong, and of course it will be handy to put into the petition.

Yeah that's a good idea bogey, thanks.

No sign of him tonight. No contact either so he will be punishing me for the problems earlier. I don't feel at all punished but I do feel lonely and unable to stick to a weight loss plan. Had a too - just feel in limbo.

All's going to become clear on Monday with the solicitor isn't it? Talking to a friend earlier I said I could feel a shit storm was coming when I finally file papers and she said actually the last 9 years has been the shit storm! Guess she's right.

There was no answer at WA today. No wonder, they're probably run off their feet trying to help women suffering various stages of abuse. They are a lifeline that needs so much more funding.

All your support really helped me today everyone. Thank you so much! I think I would have crumbled if I wasn't in touch with so many smart, switched on, witty ladies like yourselves X

Hang in there OP. You are about to lose fifteen stone of deadweight

Twinkle is spot on. He is a tool. Please see this as the final straw OP. I feel you need to grow a hide like a rhino as you are still caring too much what he ways and what he will do and are in fear. You need to get to a place where you could not give a flying fart what the tosser says to you or what he does but instead see it as white noise. You know he is going to blow like a force nine gale. Know it, accept it and be ready for it, really ready so you don't back down at any point. Once you are on the path to divorce all the power will be taken from him and he will just have to suck it up won't he?
Imagine the scene post divorce when you are settled, organised, managing beautifully (you will be) and him? Well, his life is all going to rat shit isn't it, he can't even manage what is probably the most important financial transaction of the month without blaming you, treating you like something he has stepped in at Crufts or going into a child like melt down. As Twinkle said, he is a tool but not a useful one!

Haha brilliant Bland thank you

Thanks Gelf you're right, I'm not properly there in my head yet am I? I thought I was but a friend I saw the other week who's marriage has also ended said the same - she's 'there' in her head but can see I'm not.

It's because he is so controlling that he is forcing me to 'care' about him and his every need and forget me and who I am and what I want because I don't matter, only he does.

I do keep visualising single life though, being independent, in control, happy, the odd shag here and there can't wait, really can't!

he is forcing me to 'care' about him and his every need and forget me and who I am and what I want

How is he forcing you?

Just try not to give a shit what he thinks. if he calls you selfish, just shrug. If he says you don't care, again a shrug, or perhaps a head-tilt. If he says you don't care about the children, don't dignify it with a response. If he says you won't try, you are breaking up the family…again a hard stare or a "I'm sorry you feel that way. I've made my mind up"

You will not justify yourself to him. You will not change his thinking. You will not make him see. Don't waste the energy.

because I don't matter, only he does. In his eyes, not in yours though. Not anymore. Now you must be your own priority.

Thanks fantastic - Brilliant - I just meant I'm so used to focussing on him and his myriad problems and never being focused on myself that I'm just wondering if that's why I haven't properly drop kicked him out of my head yet, that's all.

But you're descriptions of how to act and those responses are perfect!

I just meant I'm so used to focussing on him and his myriad problems and never being focused on myself

It is a habit. But now you've realised that, you can decide to turn the focus to yourself and your needs, and keep focusing on those. Make that your new habit. Disengage from him, engage with yourself at all times.

You do seem to be getting there quite fast now though

Really hope so fantastic - kinda easy to sound strong on here now though as I'm not under any pressure at the moment - but the weekend is looming. I'm going to disengage, disengage - spend as little time in his company as possible - I'll go out to the gym, I need a new top and shoes for the solicitors! I don't know, I'll just try and stay out as much as I can otherwise it's like a pressure cooker.

I think the only way to get through the evenings with him is actually to make small talk. Because he'll do the same and he then stays at a safe distance. If I ignore him he'll start picking on me and then I give him the "I don't care" shrug then that's very likely going to make him turn really nasty - would be lovely to but I'll have to do it in my head!

Clever girl :)

Will H do stuff with the girls at the weekend?

Thanks Garlic :)

Yes he will thankfully, he always takes them out and probably will stay out with things like cinema and restaurants so that he doesn't have to be at the house either.

Called me being nice, turns out he needs me to transfer money to his sister to pay her rent. We've been paying her rent for the last 6 months because her marriage has ended and her ex won't pay her anything anymore plus she refuses to downsize to something more affordable.

It's ok everyone you don't need to respond - I just need to write this down here for my own good (sanity) that after the horrible day yesterday and then no contact, he approached me with the 'come on babe, we're friends aren't we? You can't hate me too much' routine.

I tried to detach but couldn't help telling him he was only being nice to me because he wanted something - I got the whole - 'you're not unloved, I've told you we've had to fall by the wayside recently because I'm so busy' excuse - I told him I didn't buy his bullshit. It's been like this for too long.

Anyway, the tone is non aggressive, he will want to make friends this weekend - that's fine, whatever gets me through to Monday is fine!

She won't downsize, expects you to pay and you do it?!
Wow.
Still, hopefully this won't be your problem anymore, very soon!!!
Focus on the Monday meeting and getting through the weekend.
Breathe......

You are doing fantastically well, keep going!

He would do anything for his sister hells - she rents though, she could easily downsize and get herself into something more affordable but according to H's mother when she was down at the weekend, she can't find a property that allows children, she needs to be near the school and some other excuse I can't remember. No, she's actually lazy and has no intention of moving while her big brother will step in and cover the shortfall for her every month.

The old fearful feelings of this is all going to fall apart when I bow out came back a bit after the call this morning. It's almost like I'd need to write a 'Wife Swap' type instruction manual for him when it's over - I know that's ridiculous but i will at the very least have to leave him the online banking details.

Thanks Jan

Shaking my head in disbelief because he thinks it's OK to know nothing about his own mortgage, or when his timesheets are due, or when he gets paid...but paying his sister's rent is just something he has to do, or rather you do.

So your head gets torn off for not telling him he needs to be paid, but sister just gets the money. I imagine this is part of his 'look what a great person I am' act?
It must be incredibly disorientating at times, thename.

Oh and don't worry about things falling apart or making a manual for him, even as a joke - remember what you said upthread:
It's because he is so controlling that he is forcing me to 'care' about him and his every need and forget me and who I am and what I want because I don't matter, only he does.

This is the same conditioning working on you.

Suggested mantra: my children matter. I matter. He can take care of himself.

I remember when my ex went off with, 'fur coat and no knickers', realised he has made a mistake and asked if he could come back. I said no and he began a diatribe about how sorry he was, various reasons for his behaviour (blaming anyone but himself) and I just looked him in the eye and shrugged. I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed that shrug!! It was sooooo much more than just a shrug as it meant I was no longer responsible for him and trying to make him happy which was an impossibility and I was able to look forward to the (as Bland said) fifteen stone weight loss. You are doing great OP. It will be rocky. Expect rocks.

You've hit the nail squarely on the head there Wyrdy thank you It is unbelievable now that I see it written down and reading back this thread as if - living within it all the time, it has been difficult to see the full picture.

I feel so tired today - If it wasn't for the girls I would crawl back into bed I think. Thank god they've engrossed themselves in a film and their DS's - shit mum alert!

Thank you Gelf great words as always - nice mantra too wyrdy, it's priorities isn't it? thanks x

Nope - given in to fatigue - told the kids I've got to go and lie down for a bit - they're zoned out anyway with their computer games - I'm done in with all this rubbish!

Good idea to lie down x