How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

[thenamehaschanged]

H rents a room close to his work and comes back to the family home at the weekend (the family home is only 40 minutes max to his work by the way!)
He manages a department, has a lot of responsibility and pressure, has to give presentations daily which he says he hates and works often to about 7.30/8pm after an early start so I am in no way doubting he's busy and stressed at times. There is also a hell of a lot of socialising and boozing pretty much all week with trips to karaoke bars, top restaurants where he is simply the life and soul.
What I get coming through the door at the weekend though is a moody, sullen, withdrawn shell of a man who when asked if ok either doesn't respond or looks at you with mild scorn. He is so resentful, jealous even, that he has to work - and hates me for being more at home with the kids which is where he wants to be. you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Needless to say I can't wait for him to just fuck off back out the door again Monday morning!
He is controlling and abusive and I am going to see a solicitor next week - I have tried to end the marriage many times but his grip just gets tighter. The last occasion was this week, I snapped (again) told him it was over and that I am seeing a solicitor - I won't go on too long about it all but his continual defence of how horrible he is is that (after he's told me that I'm just as abusive which I really really am not) he's stressed, under pressure and doesn't want to be doing this job even though it pays well and comes with lots of perks. It's a job he trained specifically to do, he did leave it for 8 years as there were elements he didn't like, to build his own business which failed (he was an arse then as well) there's no other job he will entertain doing and so he's back doing his old job.
And I am embarrassed to say that here I am totally lobotomised and spaghetti headed, still in the marriage, agreeing to counselling :( which I really don't want to do) and thinking does he have a point. I wouldn't like to have to give loads of presentations for instance.

you seem to be getting through the 'lifting of the fog' with tremendous aplomb! Running threads here really can help, and it's very good to hear you've support in real life as well.

And, still, it's all about him.

He really is a vile human being, well done for loving yourself just that little bit more.

thename this is real progress, even if it doesn't seem like it.

You have worked out that leaving him really is preferable to staying with him/going on holiday with him/feeling trapped.

Hopefully this will help you if you ever have a wobble and doubt yourself.

I hope so. I still feel a bit floored from him coming here last night and that feeling of being undermined, that 'don't be silly' attitude, the jokey comments about me flinching when he goes in for a kiss and then being nice(ish) you know, chatting with the kids, asking me how I am (not 100% interested and only does it now because I pointed out he never did) laughing at what's on tv but then ignoring me a couple of times and mildly picking on me about something too actually.

Sounds really stupid but I knew all the shouty/name calling/blowing hot and cold/silent treatment was abuse - but I didn't really realise the 'nice' behaviour was abuse as well up until now really. Up until I woke up and saw your messages telling me it is. I can see it now.

I have been in a relationship like this and I held onto the "good times" when he was being absolutely lovely to me. But really the "bad times" when he was picking me apart over nothing far outweighed the good.

They deliberately do this so that you doubt yourself and think if you just hold on then maybe they can be that nice guy all the time. The truth is that it is the nice guy who is wearing a mask, and the real him is the nasty shit you have to deal with most of the time.

I think it is called intermittent reinforcement, see here

It is shocking to accept it is deliberate.

It's just so bloody ridiculous that I can't say 'that's it, you are a verbally abusive bastard, you don't love me, I don't love you, please leave!'

I've called him abusive so many times in arguments and he just calls me abusive right back. He is such a sticky character

"Don't keep feeding a machine that only pays out 90% of what you put in.
"Don't build your house in the flood plain."

Yep A Mumsnetter posted a really great metaphor here, too. She said, imagine your partner gives you a lovely cup of coffee. It's just the way you like it. But he has stirred in a teaspoon of poo. Will you drink it because the other 90% of the coffee's delicious? What if it's 50% poo? Or 1%, is that acceptable to you?

Relationships are not like the curate's egg. Either they're good all the way through, or we're talking poo coffee.

Haha brilliant garlic! Goodness I didn't realise I've actually developed a taste for poo coffee!

Actually, just an off shoot thought but you've reminded me that h has never in all these years made me a decent cup of tea. Never. I know how everyone likes their tea, h, my parents, friends, the in laws. Everyone's different, me - I like builders tea, strong with only drop of milk and yet whenever he makes me one it's literally poo tea! Gnat's piss tea with loads of milk. I have to make myself a new one or put another tea bag in it - every time?! Even that's bloody deliberate isn't it? He does it so that he can call me a fussy, spoilt bastard or whatever comes to mind when I can't drink it and need to fix it!!

Hampton I'm sorry you've been through this crap too! thank you for that link I'm going to read it now with , the way I like sans poo!

Think I get it about the intermittent reinforcement Hampton. There's so much to take in about all of this stuff!

He called earlier - sounding upbeat and in good spirits about work which actually turned out to be an excuse to bring up a villa holiday again.

I just swerved it by saying no way can we afford it (which actually is true!) and that you're talking at least £3/4k for a villa holiday. He went instantly dismissive and tried to end the call and so I said he should take the kids to see his family and sister for a week instead.

There's definitely something behind this. I mean at best it shows how out of touch with the real world and our finances he really is.

On the plus side, he's not coming back here tonight!

If I can't achieve no contact when papers are served I'm going to need to have a fail safe, one-liner to use on him when all the emotional pressure starts bearing in mind he will NEVER admit he is abusive - it will be what about our future dreams, what about the house and the kids inheritance, I love you, I love us, I'm not giving up on 11 years of marriage without a counsellor, how can you do this, we were almost there in the happiness stakes, you can't bail now...

'I'm sorry you feel that way however I've made my decision'. Repeat ad infinitum.

Nice! That's good thanks Twinkle

I see red flags all over the 'secluded villa' lark. Am I alone in feeling genuinely scared for you OP? It sounds a bit like he has copped on to you a bit, maybe only his sub conscious is reacting. I don't actually think he is thinking, 'Mmmmm...somethings up (nose twitching) I am going to change my abuse strategies', it's more subtle than that but I suspect all that will come. Part of him knows the games up I reckon. Please don't go to the secluded villa. I am afraid what he may do. You can come here and camp in our garden covered in chook shite and I will make you tea you can stand a spoon up in!
You're entering a dangerous phase. I'm not saying that to scare you but to make you aware. He will escalate and you would be wise to get away and have protective layers of people and legislation when the faeces hits the air conditioning!

Definitely go with twinkles mantra. You don't need anything else really.

Am I alone in feeling genuinely scared for you OP?

No :( It sounds to me as if you're downplaying the level of abuse you're living under, name. This might be a consequence of having lived with it for so long. It's one of the several reasons I'm keen for you to keep talking to Women's Aid.

Ok. I will call the local WA tomorrow. You are scaring me a little bit but I really appreciate why. I have been playing this down for years without realising. At least 9 years :(
Don't worry I'm not going to go to any villas x

And thank you for the garden with tea just how I like it offer Gelf

No, you're not alone in that Gelf. Thename, I agree with Garlic that a word with WA is well advised. Do give them a ring.

And yes, keep evading the villa idea. Coming from him, and given his avoidance of holidays and attitude prior to this point..... the whole thing stinks.

Just read the whole thread, you know he seems to enjoy the fact that you flinch when he goes to kiss you, what power he has over you

If he bang on about a holiday suggest he goes away a friend/family member for a much needed break, meanwhile you can move to your parents!

You're all thinking he's going to up the abuse to physical and possibly worse don't you? Because he can feel the control slipping.
I need to move away don't I? Talk to the solicitor about forcing the sale of the house if possible and cutting free and relocating my poor DC again :(
I will call WA but I've spoken to them before, they will just talk me through escape plans, don't get backed into the kitchen or bathroom, don't get in a car with him, always have a phone on me. It's stuff I already know. Next step is refuge and I just don't think I can. My DD's for a start would be like wth is this?! (They're 8 and 6)
I'm panicking again

Thanks randommess only just really seeing and realising it - what an idiot!

No one , ever, ever, fails to claim full expenses, if it is legitimate.

Accountant friend said top execs (£200k per annum) will hand in receipts for 70p parking and kitkats on the journey.

You need a discussion with your husband.

Working at a stressful job can be hell on earth. It does sound to me as if he's got his life sorted. He sounds totally miserable, angry and resentful. Only you can decide whether or not it's worth persevering or changing the set up of him being away all week. It's not working now for either of you. Hope things improve soon.

That should be doesn't sound. Sorry.

"don't get backed into the kitchen or bathroom, don't get in a car with him, always have a phone on me"

Erm, they don't say this to everybody. Sounds like they assess him as a serious risk.

I'm unconvinced your daughters' accommodation preferences should take precedence over your safety & sanity - or, indeed, over their opportunity to experience life free from abuse. They don't even know another kind of life's possible, do they.

This is a risky time, that's all anyone can say. Don't rule out a refuge if this is right for you. I know it sounds like a huge step, and your daughters might feel disorientated, but it's ok to go to one if you need to.