How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

[thenamehaschanged]

H rents a room close to his work and comes back to the family home at the weekend (the family home is only 40 minutes max to his work by the way!)
He manages a department, has a lot of responsibility and pressure, has to give presentations daily which he says he hates and works often to about 7.30/8pm after an early start so I am in no way doubting he's busy and stressed at times. There is also a hell of a lot of socialising and boozing pretty much all week with trips to karaoke bars, top restaurants where he is simply the life and soul.
What I get coming through the door at the weekend though is a moody, sullen, withdrawn shell of a man who when asked if ok either doesn't respond or looks at you with mild scorn. He is so resentful, jealous even, that he has to work - and hates me for being more at home with the kids which is where he wants to be. you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Needless to say I can't wait for him to just fuck off back out the door again Monday morning!
He is controlling and abusive and I am going to see a solicitor next week - I have tried to end the marriage many times but his grip just gets tighter. The last occasion was this week, I snapped (again) told him it was over and that I am seeing a solicitor - I won't go on too long about it all but his continual defence of how horrible he is is that (after he's told me that I'm just as abusive which I really really am not) he's stressed, under pressure and doesn't want to be doing this job even though it pays well and comes with lots of perks. It's a job he trained specifically to do, he did leave it for 8 years as there were elements he didn't like, to build his own business which failed (he was an arse then as well) there's no other job he will entertain doing and so he's back doing his old job.
And I am embarrassed to say that here I am totally lobotomised and spaghetti headed, still in the marriage, agreeing to counselling :( which I really don't want to do) and thinking does he have a point. I wouldn't like to have to give loads of presentations for instance.

He really is isn't he? Thank you for worrying about me

Absolutely no signs of genuine remorse Random, just excuses, some victim blaming and shifting the focus to future successful living - carrot dangling I guess - while also conversely living in the past a bit 'if only we had done this instead of that' he's always been like that.

The freedom programme lady said that control to a controlling person feels like safety and security. To lose it is frightening. It's the same with the state of the house or making early morning plans at the weekend. We spent the entire weekend working on the house with the odd pub lunch thrown in here and there - his mark has been stamped again and we are living as he likes.

He apologised again for the spit in the face when pushed on it though and said there was no excuse - but then when I asked if he agreed that someone had the right to end their marriage because of a spit in the face, because they couldn't get over it and they had felt violated - he said no, he didn't see it as marriage ending - his brother did it to him once does that mean he should end their 'brotherdom' and pulled the same it's only saliva line.

I'm in bed again while the kids are watching a film. Honestly I feel like I have a big woollen ball for a brain.

I don't think I am ever going to get away from him. I will have to go into hiding for a very long time and use contact centres I think. And for that he would never forgive me which is a frightening concept.

No your not! You are biding your time getting your shit together and getting out. Speak to solicitor keep things moving let him think he's won if it keeps you and the girls safe. Am assuming he's gone to work today? Keep packing all your stuff away, don't ditch your friend- he doesn't like her coz she knows how badly he's behaved and he doesn't want any witnesses.

KOKO and get out, your legs haven't been kicked from underneath you as you're not falling for it this time you know it's all bullshit and can see him for what he is a total bastard.

Yes you can get away. It is possible and you will do it. I'd not worry about contact centres now, worry about getting away and soon before you lose the impetus.

This lady lived in a caravan with her abuser and still got away.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2156846-thank-you-all-because-now-Im-safe?

Thank you petunia, you're right - yes he's at work today and back tonight.

Thank you Ribena, I know that thread, I think I commented on it somewhere - what a lady! She has my full respect.

It's the kids and fathers bloody rights issue that is the real problem for me - without the kids we would have happily split years ago. Without them I wouldn't ever need to see him again and without them he has no control over me. But I could never be without them. He will most definitely walk out of his job when I leave him. I think he thinks the root cause to all our problems are work stress and long hours.

I asked if he agreed that someone had the right to end their marriage because of a spit in the face

It's not because of a spit in the face, it's because he's a grade A walking twatbrain.

I don't think you should ask him that kind of thing, it simply gives him ammunition & ideas: he will now say 'name is leaving me over a spit in the face'.

I don't think you should be asking either; and if he walks out of his job then more fool him. You should not stay because of his rights to see the kids that he hardly saw anyway.

This is the man who didn't ask how dd was after a minor op spent 2 or was it 3 consecutive weekends off with friends one to Scotland without any thought to his precious girls. It's all bollocks! Once it's difficult to see the girls he will get fed up and move on to another sucker. Don't worry about his rights. Your dds have the right to live happily without any abuse in their home.

How odd a turn this has taken...he found out you were talking to a solicitor and now he's succeeded in turning back time.

So I take it he's no longer living in the flat? He's going to let that go?

Honestly I'm a bit confused. Forgive me OP, but are you still applying for divorce now? Or is that off the table for the next while? Are you going to move forward with the marriage incorporating his suggestions?

You are allowed to say "No" you know.

All these big plans of his, part of which is him assuming the divorce is off, dont have to go the way he says. You have a voice, you have rights, you dont have to stay with him.

The girls wont miss him, you know that, and once his wounded ego has been salved with a few blow jobs from the next poor cow, he wont miss them.

Get to the refuge, please. No contact is your only hope.

Annarose the fact that he has made all these pronouncement a change nothing. The OP is in a holding pattern until her solicitor is ready to serve the knob with divorce papers. She doesn't feel she's in danger but knows when she acts she must cover all her bases to protect herself and her daughters. This thread has taken an unexpected turn but as I said before name knows it's all an act from him an is playing a long game.

I'm just carrying on as I was Anna - it could take up to 3 or 4 weeks for the divorce papers to come back to the solicitor from the court, ready to serve to H.

He had been talking about moving back on and off for a month or so, but when he discovered that I had had an illicit snog and had also been to see a solicitor he was back here and moved in like a shot and playing the mr positive, bright future's all round, we can fix this, let's move on, onwards and upwards role.

I think I am a very very messed up person. I am really very depressed and not functioning well today. Any sane woman would have walked out years ago, financially broke or not - but I didn't. I came to accept his behaviour as normal.

I am ashamed to say that him coming here on Friday and being lovely and supportive and drawing up his big ideas for the future after all this recent torment has been seductive. I've been living in a bubble this weekend. Avoiding contact with friends. Avoiding MN.

Now it's Tuesday and i woke up in the cold light of day. Him off to work, me alone in my own thoughts again rather than him filling up my thoughts with his own and I know dam well that this is just the honeymoon phase of the cycle again, and i just feel so low. My parents behaviour hasn't exactly helped either.

But hey, I also know that my strength will return. I can see me serving papers and then moving to a refuge. I will be ok, just momentary blip that's all

Crossed posts petunia

Feeling totally sorry for myself today like a big fanny! I'll be alright later [smike]

Smike?!

Ah I see, I got thoroughly confused there - wow those papers take ages!

Please remember you are not alone.

this is the trouble - they run so fast with their ideas, their chaos, their wants, that it leaves no space for you to think for yourself - look up 'hoovering' and 'love bombing' both of which deal with the total bombardment of all the good stuff, designed to make you feel exactly as you did this weekend - all the abuse drifts into the background, its like a junkie fix - the euphoria, but it cannot be maintained and its just an act to suck you back down and under his control. and he will want payback for all the niceness and effort he has put in this weekend.

keep going.

you know its an act

try to humour the niceness as you would a child relaying a fantasy of 'when I grow up I will be a princess and a pop star....'

just enjoy the break from the nastiness

and keep going

You are a perfectly sane woman, thename.

There's a reason this behaviour is called crazy-making. It's because you're always on the back foot.

He does something appalling: then acts as if it never happened, or pretends it's all in the past, or that a bright new future awaits.....and most people would rather it hadn't happened, or don't want to disrupt the children's lives, or are sure he's changed, or feel too tired to fight..... or the picture he's painted looks soooo appealing....and he seems so happy now...no-one would blame you for feeling any of that, and just going on as before.

But you know it won't, thename.

BTW.....If it doesn't turn out as he fondly imagines it will, will he be OK if you spit in his face - since it's just saliva and all that? And if you call him a....let's scroll back....'ugly, retarded xxxx'....he'll be OK with that. As long as you pretend it never happened, he'd just laugh it off..

I know Anna, thank you it was a real blow when the solicitor told me of the delay - I thought I was going to be ready to serve over a week ago and had built myself up to it and moving into a refuge but I was mistaken and so had to come back to the house from the awful time at my parents on the solicitors and my parents advice.
Hence why I'm in this situation now and why I just want to go to sleep for the rest of the day.
It will be ok - I just don't know how much more I can take. Moving to a refuge now would just freak me out further because I would feel like everything would be crashing down around me - I want him to sign his work contract.
Is it possible the male freedom programme could change him or is he way too far gone do you think?

Spot on nettle and trackr thank you so much - I will look up hoovering

Looked it all up - I've been hoovered more times than bloody Buckingham palace

Forget my earlier question about him and the male freedom programme - it's ok I know he is waaayyy too far gone for anything like that - I doubt even a year with a psychiatrist would help.

Way too far gone. You know it's only gonna take a few days or possibly a week before he'll resent coming home instead of going drinking and shagging. And he'll return to his normal real horrible self. Just remember he'll say anything to keep you happy and under his control just go along with it.

I know.

Nothing is real - it's all varying forms of abuse from the love bombing and hoovering to the set up to the escalation and violence -

He doesn't actually have a shred of empathy.

We watched Mrs Doubtfire with the kids over the weekend (loved Robin :( ) and in all the court scenes and talk of him loving, missing and doing anything to see his kids, H was bloody filling up and looking over at me wistfully as if he and Robin Williams character were one and the same?

H was bloody filling up and looking over at me wistfully as if he and Robin Williams character were one and the same?

Wow, that is pathetic and hilarious in equal measure. He really is not of this planet is he?!

Mrs D was a man playing a part to see his children. Your STBX is playing a part in order to keep his control. If you see it as acting, playing a role then it might make it easier to stop yourself getting drawn in again. Think "This isnt the real you, this is a character you are playing that you think I want to see".

Ha ha - he's got some front I'll give him that. Oh my - what a knob. Come on OP - do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who pulls the Mrs Doubtfire card?