How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

[thenamehaschanged]

H rents a room close to his work and comes back to the family home at the weekend (the family home is only 40 minutes max to his work by the way!)
He manages a department, has a lot of responsibility and pressure, has to give presentations daily which he says he hates and works often to about 7.30/8pm after an early start so I am in no way doubting he's busy and stressed at times. There is also a hell of a lot of socialising and boozing pretty much all week with trips to karaoke bars, top restaurants where he is simply the life and soul.
What I get coming through the door at the weekend though is a moody, sullen, withdrawn shell of a man who when asked if ok either doesn't respond or looks at you with mild scorn. He is so resentful, jealous even, that he has to work - and hates me for being more at home with the kids which is where he wants to be. you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Needless to say I can't wait for him to just fuck off back out the door again Monday morning!
He is controlling and abusive and I am going to see a solicitor next week - I have tried to end the marriage many times but his grip just gets tighter. The last occasion was this week, I snapped (again) told him it was over and that I am seeing a solicitor - I won't go on too long about it all but his continual defence of how horrible he is is that (after he's told me that I'm just as abusive which I really really am not) he's stressed, under pressure and doesn't want to be doing this job even though it pays well and comes with lots of perks. It's a job he trained specifically to do, he did leave it for 8 years as there were elements he didn't like, to build his own business which failed (he was an arse then as well) there's no other job he will entertain doing and so he's back doing his old job.
And I am embarrassed to say that here I am totally lobotomised and spaghetti headed, still in the marriage, agreeing to counselling :( which I really don't want to do) and thinking does he have a point. I wouldn't like to have to give loads of presentations for instance.

I'm back from seeing the lovely freedom Programme lady and have my Living with the Dominator book! What a lovely lady she was - I feel strong again everyone - i am going to get out of this - I know there are refuges around but I really feel for me at this time that I am not ready to go to one yet - I can cope with him doing the lovely husband act for the time being - it won't last, it never ever has in the past, but by the time it starts going wrong again I should have my papers ready and and then I will use a refuge and new phone number when the time comes.

I have let the solicitor know that he is moving back - she wasn't there so I have emailed her again.

Thank you everyone so much - feeling back on track

Was funny watching him last night - using all the tricks in the book to get me back under control. I can see it.

Thanks Simon - yes he definitely is a level 10 fuckwit!!

So sorry you are going through all this OP, stay strong.

Hes a Grade A fucking psychopath. You NEED to go to a refuge OP.

And if i were you i would also be looking forward to the day i would get to pick your parents nursing homes.

I don't understand why you think a refuge isn't the right place for you and the girls as opposed to living with an abusive fuckwit who has realised he nearly lost control of his toy. Surely him moving home is the worst possible thing and even playing happy families is dangerous for you all. Can you speak to a refuge and take their advice.

Please see him as the dangerous person we see. This a bank holiday weekend he's hoping you'll loose your support as solicitors etc aren't in work and he's got your parents in side to say he's a good guy.

Take care

To try to add to what all the other brilliant posters are articulating here. My concern is when he realises that you're not succumbing to his 'charm' this time, that moment when he realises he has completely lost you, and whether he likes it or not he is going to be the person "banished" to seeing his kids every other week. Does previous experience make you think someone as controlling as he is, is going to take this well? For now its a game, yes you've stepped up to seeing a solicitor, but he sees it as no different to all those times you've told him you wanted out before. When he realises, rather than a slip of the mask, it is going to come off completely. And we are all worried for you when this happens :(

Imagine how nice it would be to be away from him right now, to not have to worry about when he is going to eventually return to form. To go to sleep at night without worrying if he's going to wake you up and have it out in the middle of the night. To not have to deal with the niggly doubts that its not going to be the same as it always it, it is going to be worse this time when he blows, and that you have no idea what to expect. To have time to pack up properly, rather than do a midnight flit with nothing?

OK, Name, it's your decision and whether we like or not is neither here nor there.

Presumably he will be playing happy families this weekend? And at some point he'll go back to the giving up work conversation. The last thing you need or want is for him to be at 'home' ft before you you've got your shit together. Will you play along? It would give you time if you were to accept it and ask him to not change his working status until you've found a job, which could take a while, couldn't it?

Have you any ideas of how you might delay him doing anything to change his working status and coming home ft, before you're ready?

I do wonder whether he's had a warning or something at work and is using his discovery of your plans as a cover up.

hi name

Hope you are okay, i cannot believe the way it twists and turns for you honey! Life really does suck sometimes, but please keep strong and keep going, you have gone further than you have left to go, please stay strong
lots of hugs from Chez Rudie to you, I will keep revisiting, hope you are okay :)

Thank you Rudie, Jux, beyond, petunia, darkest, twink - everyone!

Jux that is exactly what I am doing - he couldn't be being nicer at the moment - we all know that this won't last and that yes he is a grade A psychopath - which is exactly why I don't just want to walk out now to a refuge before my divorce papers are ready to be served and while he seems precariously employed!

There definitely isn't a work issue about him - it's that he can't handle the long hours and devotion it needs.

And this is why he would walk straight out of his job and because of the fact that I have had absolutely years of financial anxiety because of this man, I'm just trying to delay it as much as possible.

By the time the papers are ready to be served, I will know what he's up to - and yes I am going to stop him off walking out until I get a job which will take a while - he will also probably have turned shitty again no doubt and so the timing will be better.

I will use a refuge but only when I feel very unsafe and as odd as it might sound to all of you sane people out there - I live with a psycho but currently, for this bank holiday weekend where I am playing the game - I don't feel all that unsafe. He is on a charm offensive to keep us all together - but I'm not getting sucked in - he thinks he's clever, he thinks he's cleverer than me - but he isn't, not anymore, I know what he's doing. I'm ok.

So glad that the scales have fallen away so utterly completely. Just remember to have all your important documents tucked away somewhere safe - with a friend? If you need to you & the girls can walk out with what you have on to pop to the park/shop or whatever and not need to return.

Well done x

You know, you are so warrior like and aware you almost scare me, name ...

I'd log this with police on 101 just in case something happens and you need a fast response so they are aware there are issues with dv and can help quickly if needed. And maybe try to get friends round a lot.

You are warrior like! You are fabulous and you are stronger and cleverer than he is.

Keep safe, my dear.

Must wanted to chip in to say that you are a really impressive person, Name

Hi name, hope your okay
I was first drawn to your post because my husband gets narky about long hours too, but mate it isn't anything like what you have been subjected too, you are clever, braver, and stronger than him mate, I suspect this has always been the case and he knew that, that's why he tried to keep you down, hope your okay, I will keep checking in. hugs x

Keep going OP. Remember to see through this arch manipulator stuff. It's an act, a means to an end. You facilitate his party lifestyle AND wash his pants so he has a great life. He cares not one jot for you as a person, you are merely a tool to get what he wants from his life. He will be crap as a single person and he knows it. He is fecking terrified and good enough for the bastard! We are all behind you. Even if you have a wobble, remember you do not want this as a blueprint for normal behaviour for the kids eh?

koko x

I'm hoping no news is good news and you are just biding your time keeping yourself and the girls safe.

Another one who is getting a bit twitchy and worried.
Hope you are safe and well xx

Thinking of you Name Hope you are ok x

Thank you Darkest, bogey, petunia everyone I'm sorry I haven't been on this weekend - hate to say it but I didn't dare in case he read everything.

Well he's well and truly back with feet firmly under the table. He has been mostly nice and laid back this weekend. But my eyes pinged open at 4 this morning and I couldn't get back to sleep. We cleared out the garden and the house is immaculate - a very productive weekend which will have made him happy as he can't think in a mess.

He has stopped talking about walking out of his job and has now instead come up with the idea of a nanny/home help so that I can go out, work, socialise and live my life. Someone to drop the kids at school, do some light cleaning, pick them up, give them tea, oversee homework and then I get in at 6. He wants us to have a date night at least once a fortnight, he has said he wants to go to anger management (to which I have emailed the freedom programme about men's courses) and then couples counselling. He wants us all to have holidays and weekends away etc

I feel a bit like a donkey that has had its hind legs talked off!

It all looks great, wow I could pull in a full time salary, work 8-4 and then have 2 hours to myself every night for gym, hairdresser whatever - my self esteem goes up.......

I feel weird though.

He hasn't actively discouraged me from seeing my good friend again, but since he read our texts he has really put her down, called her a bad influence - even said that to my Dad.

I will speak to my solicitor later just to keep her in the loop.

God he really has read the manual hasn't he! What an arsehole. Get free! It's way past time for him to start pulling this stuff out from somewhere.

Has he asked you what you want! Or has he worked out an intense programme for you, despite what you want?

He's not your dad ffs

You feel weird because it is an act and you know it. Like you dreamt it.

You know it won't pan out like that, as he is an abuser and will turn as soon as he thinks you are back under his control.

I've been worried about you all weekend. Please speak to the solicitor and continue making your own plans.

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww he really is a master manipulator! Complete pyscopath indeed.

Any signs of genuine remorse...