Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

999 replies

thenamehaschanged · 24/07/2014 13:13

H rents a room close to his work and comes back to the family home at the weekend (the family home is only 40 minutes max to his work by the way!)
He manages a department, has a lot of responsibility and pressure, has to give presentations daily which he says he hates and works often to about 7.30/8pm after an early start so I am in no way doubting he's busy and stressed at times. There is also a hell of a lot of socialising and boozing pretty much all week with trips to karaoke bars, top restaurants where he is simply the life and soul.
What I get coming through the door at the weekend though is a moody, sullen, withdrawn shell of a man who when asked if ok either doesn't respond or looks at you with mild scorn. He is so resentful, jealous even, that he has to work - and hates me for being more at home with the kids which is where he wants to be. you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Needless to say I can't wait for him to just fuck off back out the door again Monday morning!
He is controlling and abusive and I am going to see a solicitor next week - I have tried to end the marriage many times but his grip just gets tighter. The last occasion was this week, I snapped (again) told him it was over and that I am seeing a solicitor - I won't go on too long about it all but his continual defence of how horrible he is is that (after he's told me that I'm just as abusive which I really really am not) he's stressed, under pressure and doesn't want to be doing this job even though it pays well and comes with lots of perks. It's a job he trained specifically to do, he did leave it for 8 years as there were elements he didn't like, to build his own business which failed (he was an arse then as well) there's no other job he will entertain doing and so he's back doing his old job.
And I am embarrassed to say that here I am totally lobotomised and spaghetti headed, still in the marriage, agreeing to counselling :( which I really don't want to do) and thinking does he have a point. I wouldn't like to have to give loads of presentations for instance.

OP posts:
43percentburnt · 22/08/2014 07:34

Hi op, can I take you back to your post on 20/08 post solicitor when he called you a cunt. That is your real husband. He has no respect, he holds contempt for you. But you are slipping away. He knows niceness works with you.

In that day you asked him shall I call the police to stop him turning up. He said no need. That was bullshit wasn't it.

Call the police, tell them you are scared and he is moving back in.

Keep strong. He is playing you.

Good luck

43percentburnt · 22/08/2014 07:34

Hi op, can I take you back to your post on 20/08 post solicitor when he called you a cunt. That is your real husband. He has no respect, he holds contempt for you. But you are slipping away. He knows niceness works with you.

In that day you asked him shall I call the police to stop him turning up. He said no need. That was bullshit wasn't it.

Call the police, tell them you are scared and he is moving back in.

Keep strong. He is playing you.

Good luck

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 22/08/2014 08:38

He's leaving his job - he's had a brainwave that will sort out all our problems and that is that he will work from home and I can go out to work full time. That way all the resentment that's been bubbling away in our relationship will just disappear.

Today I feel like my life is over.

He did a hell of a lot of talking last night, very persuasive, lots of tears.

I do have the freedom programme lady at 2 though. And my divorce petition has been lodged.

I think I will just play along for now, tell my solicitor what's happening, completely ignore my parents and take it from there.

Thank you so much everybody for all your support Thanks i'm just sorry to have had such a massive setback so near to the end.

OP posts:
IthoughtATMwasacashpoint · 22/08/2014 09:00

Every time he turns on the charm just remember exactly why you're divorcing him, how many promises he's made you before and how many (if any) he's kept.

Remember him spitting in your face, calling you a cunt and every other time he's told you who and what he is by his words and actions. Stay strong, any change will be temporary, followed by an escalation of the bad.

hellsbellsmelons · 22/08/2014 09:13

What massive set back?

It's his choice to give up his job.
If he thinks you are working full time to fund his sisters life style then he is very sadly mistaken.

Keep going.
Divorce and get away from him.

Good luck with the Freedom Lady today. I'm sure she will help you see what is really going on here.

More manipulation.
He's good - but you are better and stronger! Hold firm.

GarlicAugustus · 22/08/2014 09:32

Thank goodness you've got the Freedom Programme lady today! Timing couldn't be better, Name.

So HE has this brilliant idea, which gives him the run of the family house instead of a room, leaves you doing all the hard work paying the bills (and his sister) only seeing your kids in the evenings & weekends, making HIM the main parent ... which members of the family does this serve well? Oh, yes: just him.

I'd see if you can get a refuge place straight away, if I were you. He's escalating control.

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 22/08/2014 09:42

Yy to everything garlic says :(

auntpetunia · 22/08/2014 09:42

Leave and leave now! He is only going to get worse. He can't just give up his job surely, not when you haven't got one. Who us going to pay his sisters bills, you? I don't think so. Phone the refuge and your solicitor and go now at once.

Please

Twinklestein · 22/08/2014 09:50

I wonder if he's been fired or thinks he might be.

DemelzaandRoss · 22/08/2014 09:57

Believe me, your health will suffer with all this added anxiety. IMO remove yourself & son from this relationship. The relief will be immediate.

Annarose2014 · 22/08/2014 10:01

I'm confused as to how this is a massive setback, tbh. You don't love him. Does he know this?

You have been down this road before. Why are you talking to him? I presume its not just a monologue on his part. You are repeating a dance.

And there is no way a man with his impatience will be able to work from home and take care of two kids. What happens during school breaks when they're around all the time? What happens from May to September when you're out working and he's the only one at home? The kids will be too petrified to make a sound whilst Dad is "working". And if he doesn't succeed in working from home as much as he'd like? It'll be everyone elses fault - but particularly yours....as you were the one who shook up the world by wanting everything to change.

Meanwhile it'll be the old story in reverse - you will go out to work all day, and you'll get home and you'll meet a wall of simmering resentment.

I'm serious now....where does he think love enters into this? Does he think about love at all? Is he actually under the impression that you still care about him? How??

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 22/08/2014 10:29

Well I told him the love had gone - he was deeply apologetic for all the abuse (or so he said) - he can't live without us, I can't banish him to a life of only seeing his kids every other week

He wants to make all these changes to fix us and him changing his job he thought was a good way.

It's ok I know what this is, it's manipulation backed up by support from my family and also his brother who he told about the snog - the brother was subjective and pointed out that h hasn't been paying me any positive attention - I will speak to the freedom lady today, and will let the solicitor know, I will tell him not to do anything too rash with his job just yet - and continue behind the scenes as i was.

He can walkout of his job then if he likes, the solicitor told me the house wouldn't be repossessed as it would be getting sold.

It's ok, I think I can handle this - I saw it as a setback but it isn't, I can still do this, I can still divorce him. My life isn't his.

Thank you very much everyone for all your direct advice and support - it is what I have needed. Thanks Thanks

OP posts:
Annarose2014 · 22/08/2014 10:34

Today is going to be a better day than yesterday. Flowers

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 22/08/2014 10:41

Thanks Anna Thanks

OP posts:
Bobtailstrikesagain · 22/08/2014 10:43

Name your latest post reveals how strong you are.You must believe that you can follow through. I'm no expert like some of the others who have given you great advice but know that there are lots of us urging you on so that you have the better life and love that you deserve.

He has unilaterally made these decisions. Don't let them affect yours.

Twinklestein · 22/08/2014 10:44

He hardly sees the kids as it is, so it would there would be no change there.

I reckon there's some problem at work and he's billing this as a choice. Either that or it's just a control strategy: tightening his grip on the family.

Twinklestein · 22/08/2014 10:44

You will get out OP.

trackrBird · 22/08/2014 10:56

Seeing his kids every other week would be a bit more often than he sees them now, perhaps, especially since he'd have all day access. As for banishing, he's been camping out in a room for who knows how long.

Oh he's so full of hot air! Give up his job and that will sort it all out....Hmm

I'm so sorry you had to listen to all that; you must be exhausted.

Your life is indeed your own. You cannot make decisions based on what he says. Good luck with the Freedom Lady, and don't rule out a word with WA. I don't think you should be home with an abuser waiting for him to leave.

FantasticButtocks · 22/08/2014 10:56

KOKO Thanks

CarbeDiem · 22/08/2014 11:34

Hi OP, I've been reading your thread and want to say how brilliant you are.
You sound very determined and you are strong, the blip is understandable due to your fuckwit attempting to mess with your head some more until you admit defeat and stay in the relationship.

Does he have proof of the text convo's - did you check if he forwarded them to himself from your phone? If no then he can't do anything with that information except say it, which, of course, you can deny if you wanted to.

He's whining to your parents because he recognises some shared traits there. He thinks he's clever in doing that because you now have 3 people trying to manipulate you and get you to bend to his will. It must feel awful and I'm so sorry for you that YOUR parents are supporting him but you must stop interacting with them as much as possible.

HE can say, do and decide all he wants. Don't let him change what YOU want.

It's ok, I think I can handle this - I saw it as a setback but it isn't, I can still do this, I can still divorce him. My life isn't his.

This sums up how brave and strong you are, please keep it at the front of your mind, a mantra if you like.
Keep on keeping on, stay strong and good luck with the Freedom lady.
Take care X

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 22/08/2014 13:23

Good luck with the freedom lady. You can still do this :) Thanks

HansieLove · 22/08/2014 14:02

You don't have to be married to him. You can leave if you want to. He cannot force you to stay married.

Jux · 22/08/2014 14:10

Good luck with the Freedom woman.

You are so right! This is not a disaster, it is just a bit of a veer around a stone.

I do think you and the girls would be better off in a refuge now. Just remove yourself from the scene, get on with all the things you have to get on with, without the distractions that he throws about (and your parents do too).

I know it's not what you planned for, but you can do this, you are strong and determined and you know your road. Your girls are lucky to have you. Thanks

FunkyBoldRibena · 22/08/2014 16:38

he can't live without us, I can't banish him to a life of only seeing his kids every other week

He seemed happy enough living like this so far.

Refuge refuge refuge! Cut those ties and get away. You are strong and you can do it.

simontowers2 · 22/08/2014 17:25

Just read this thread all way through. Jeez, there are some bastards out there, men who beat their partners black and blue, continual abuse etc. but the way you have articulated this guy's actions, somehow he takes it to whole new level. Guys like this are insidious (sp) in their bastardly-ness. The evil, pathetic, cowardly fucker. I hope you go through with this OP - your posts have revealed you to be a warm, articulate and witty individual. You deserve far better than this psychopath.