How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

[thenamehaschanged]

H rents a room close to his work and comes back to the family home at the weekend (the family home is only 40 minutes max to his work by the way!)
He manages a department, has a lot of responsibility and pressure, has to give presentations daily which he says he hates and works often to about 7.30/8pm after an early start so I am in no way doubting he's busy and stressed at times. There is also a hell of a lot of socialising and boozing pretty much all week with trips to karaoke bars, top restaurants where he is simply the life and soul.
What I get coming through the door at the weekend though is a moody, sullen, withdrawn shell of a man who when asked if ok either doesn't respond or looks at you with mild scorn. He is so resentful, jealous even, that he has to work - and hates me for being more at home with the kids which is where he wants to be. you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Needless to say I can't wait for him to just fuck off back out the door again Monday morning!
He is controlling and abusive and I am going to see a solicitor next week - I have tried to end the marriage many times but his grip just gets tighter. The last occasion was this week, I snapped (again) told him it was over and that I am seeing a solicitor - I won't go on too long about it all but his continual defence of how horrible he is is that (after he's told me that I'm just as abusive which I really really am not) he's stressed, under pressure and doesn't want to be doing this job even though it pays well and comes with lots of perks. It's a job he trained specifically to do, he did leave it for 8 years as there were elements he didn't like, to build his own business which failed (he was an arse then as well) there's no other job he will entertain doing and so he's back doing his old job.
And I am embarrassed to say that here I am totally lobotomised and spaghetti headed, still in the marriage, agreeing to counselling :( which I really don't want to do) and thinking does he have a point. I wouldn't like to have to give loads of presentations for instance.

Keep all your text messages, especially any that are abusive. If you have any means of recording telephone calls that would be great, especially if he starts name calling again.

And as others have said, he can't start whining about missing his kids when he lives away all week and barely comes home at weekends. Didn't you say one of the DC had an operation the other week and he didn't even come home or enquire about them?

Your parents seem completely clueless/borderline toxic as well, I would definitely be reducing contact with them.

You're doing so well and are so strong, its probably a relief its all out in the open now.

Oh, and something else that has just occurred to me - you said you logged on the other day to online banking that showed all his "entertaining" spends as well - might be worth printing copies of those out as well.

What you want is a new number on your old contract and your current number to go to payg. Ring your provider and explain - many are being much more helpful in cases of dv nowadays - but you need to keep the old number for him (and your parents) to contact you on. Then only use your old sim when you want to. Don't delete anything from or to him, it all makes a papertrail which could be invaluable in times to come.

Make a new folder in your email inbox and set up a filter/rule that anything from him goes straight in there.

Finally, send him a text asking him to only contact you through your solicitor, and give him the details of your SHL.

Oh, and really finally (for today at any rate!) get a big tub of icecream and phone for pizzas, lock the doors, curl up on the sofa with the children, pizzas, icecream and a film.

I have read the whole thread and I just wanted to post that you have coped amazingly, that I would leave your parents in the same hole you leave Ex-Mr name in and I wish you every success for your future with your children. You are a great role model to your children, congratulations you have escaped the clutches of an absolute horror of a man. Let's see how big and exciting his life is or What a big man like him can blame his pathetic behaviour on now you refuse to let him hang anymore crud on you. High Five! Name, you're now a legend in my Household.
Loads of best wishes for your life from here on in x

Ahh thanks Rudie! - thank you everyone for all your support and advice, that sounds a lovely evening Jux

Err so, had a great night with my friend who bought me a bottle of cheap fizz to celebrate! Listened to some motivating songs when she went, woke up feeling fairly good - then has contact with h and my parents so felt like shit again....and then H turned up at lunchtime.

He is devastated, he can't bare the thought of losing his wife and kids, he has been wanting to come home but I haven't let him, the spending is only because he doesn't want to sit alone in his room at night, it is not a party room, he has never ever cheated and swears on the kids lives, he is so sorry for all the abuse, he will go and get anger management, he wants to get a job he can do from home and then be a house husband, I can go and work in a good job, I can have the good social life, he wants to come home now and try again, he wants us to have counselling, he understands the snog.

It went on and on.

I'm in bed now! Talk about bloody rug pulled from under me again.

He was crying as well. My dad's on his side.

I don't feel strong today I feel weak I was trying so hard do no contact with him and then he turns up unannounced.

Talk, talk, talk. It's cheap. He has acted abusive for YEARS. But maybe others have a different take on this.

It sounds like he was a recording that had all these things to spill out of his mouth.

Hey, keep that rug under you. Everything he's done so far is just tactics. Ways to get you to act or think differently.

So what's he done so far...

• called you names
• accused you of cheating, drinking, stopping him from coming home
• cried at YOUR parents (note, not his own. He's aiming to use your parents as a lever, and presto! they've obliged by haranguing you on his behalf)
• accused you of throwing it all away ( though who knows what you're meant to be throwing away )
• sent multiple calls and texts
• turned up unannounced after saying he wouldn't
• tried begging - 'please can we talk..'
• started using the children to guilt trip you - 'can't bear to be without my wife and kids, swears on their lives he is sorry'
• offered to go to counselling, anger management, you name it...

There are more things he may try. Don't let him fake you out. He's had the chance to do the more positive things and has never taken it, thename. Stay strong.

As I said, expect the unexpected. And lock the door from the inside in future and don't answer it if you aren't expecting anyone.

Have you tried not getting upset and just saying 'Do you know what, this is all so tedious. You don't give a stuff about any of us so stop crying and wailing. Basically, you are dull, nasty and neither of the kids ever even ask about you. So do fuck off, dear!'.

Thank you Bird - you're right on all your points and I'm trying not to let him dupe me. I think I'm in a little bit of a dark place though - I feel exhausted and can't do even the smallest thing today so he is taking the DD's out for dinner.

he's going to move back in. He's going to be back here every night for a while at a decent time, doing the happy dad act.

It was a mistake letting things out into the open. His grip has tightened again.

I'm never going to get out. He won't leave if I serve papers at work, he will become my worst nightmare - unless I serve them with a restraining order.

Bugger

Haha I'd love to Ribena! Yes I have had such a go at him in the past - I have managed to kick him out a few times but then he always gets back - he just will not go away.....like herpes!

Has to be no contact like Fontella said. No contact from him or my parents.

Huge hugs, if need be just pack up the girls and go to a refuge to get away from him. In fact I'd do it now before he moves back in.

He says he's going to move back to piss you off. Will he actually forgo his evenings out when it comes to it? I suspect making you suffer will bore him and he'll want to crack on and party.

If he thinks that being around will stop you divorcing him it will simply make you more determined.

I went through similar with my ex. He was going to start sharing money fairly, get and hold down a job, share with child care, start putting family before his friends. Etc, etc, etc.

I just said "You've done none of those things in 15 years, plenty of chance to. Why now?".

I continued with the divorce - 18 years ago - and have never regretted it for a moment.

Don't let him manipulate you

Ok love, as soon as he is next out the door you need to go to the refuge. Don't falter now!

Even I'm swaying, and I'm not even involved!

How about suggesting a trial separation? You know it's not a trial but it would get him to back off a bit, and you to smooth your feathers and get everything finalised to your liking. It could be a way to get him to stop hanging on like a limpet. You could even go along with the whole charade, eventually deciding you don't after all want to reunite...

NOT cruel. It would be cruel if he were a bog standard decent sort. But he isn't. It is a strategy to protect you.

I am incensed at the 100mph bumper-to-bumper stuff - and I'm sure there are many more stories like that - countless

Btw my ex also went bleating to my parents, who took him in like a long-lost son. It was the beginning of the end between us (me and my parents/family) but it didn't take too much therapy to recognise that the reason I had ended up with a controlling abuser was because it was all I knew. Sadly, I was used to it

KOKO darling, you're doing marvellously

You didn't let anything out into the open, thename - he snooped and found out your confidential business for himself. So no mistakes made. And you will get out.

Can you give WA another ring. They may be able to advise you. You should not be at home, hoping your abuser will leave, when he knows you are planning to divorce him.

Oh no name no, no, no. Don't let him back, can you legally change the locks? Don't let him back to dominate you . You have done amazingly well.

Phone the solicitor tomorrow, advise that DH is moving back and seek advice on how you progress forward with your divorce.

Don't let him regain control when you've achieved the steps for freedom. You have the meeting tomorrow with freedom programme.

I hope you find the inner strength to progress forward now, your H has stepped up his game, and this is natural but don't let him regain a hold over you.

Your parents are shites - I'm sorry but they truly are. None contact with all three of them will have you feeling better in hours. Don't give up now xx

By the way, I do think these people drain the energy out of you. Contact with them when they are in full flood is both exhausting, and destabilising.

However, while you feel dark and tired now, you will have your strength back soon. And just because you feel he has the advantage of you now, it does not mean he will get what he wants, or that you won't be free. You will.

Since he found out, have you bluntly said to him "I don't love you - I'll never love you"?

Cos if not, I think its time to. Text it if you want - but make it 100% clear as crystal. Blunt as fuck. No room for him to wriggle around it.

get that bag of important stuff you had ready, get the kids and head to the refuge, he's going to get nasty and you need to be safe and away from him and so do your children. Don't give in to his self-centred lying, you've been so strong, done nothing wrong, and will get there, you're still standing tall and strong on that rug, don't let him convince you otherwise! x

Exactly one year ago I heard these very words "I swear on the children's lived thst I never cheated on you". I asked him to swear on his own life and he left the kitchen. Identical tirade. Including counselling and anger management.

Ask him to swear on his own life and see what happens.

Get that injunction.

Agree with PPs Head to the refuge I was incensed when your solicitor disuaded you from doing so.

Your parents are abusers OP. As well as your H.

Your parents know damn well he doesnt give a shit about his kids. Otherwise he would have been spending more time with them instead of in a room somewhere. And he would have come home when your DD had her op. Your parents want to control you Op like your H does

And i think with your mum there is an element of "well i had to put up with a shitty marriage so why shouldnt you"

Agree with everyone saying go to a refuge now. He knows you nearly got away, the abuse will ramp up when hes back.

Delurking to say you are amazing and have been incredibly strong but now it's time to go to a refuge.