How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

[thenamehaschanged]

H rents a room close to his work and comes back to the family home at the weekend (the family home is only 40 minutes max to his work by the way!)
He manages a department, has a lot of responsibility and pressure, has to give presentations daily which he says he hates and works often to about 7.30/8pm after an early start so I am in no way doubting he's busy and stressed at times. There is also a hell of a lot of socialising and boozing pretty much all week with trips to karaoke bars, top restaurants where he is simply the life and soul.
What I get coming through the door at the weekend though is a moody, sullen, withdrawn shell of a man who when asked if ok either doesn't respond or looks at you with mild scorn. He is so resentful, jealous even, that he has to work - and hates me for being more at home with the kids which is where he wants to be. you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Needless to say I can't wait for him to just fuck off back out the door again Monday morning!
He is controlling and abusive and I am going to see a solicitor next week - I have tried to end the marriage many times but his grip just gets tighter. The last occasion was this week, I snapped (again) told him it was over and that I am seeing a solicitor - I won't go on too long about it all but his continual defence of how horrible he is is that (after he's told me that I'm just as abusive which I really really am not) he's stressed, under pressure and doesn't want to be doing this job even though it pays well and comes with lots of perks. It's a job he trained specifically to do, he did leave it for 8 years as there were elements he didn't like, to build his own business which failed (he was an arse then as well) there's no other job he will entertain doing and so he's back doing his old job.
And I am embarrassed to say that here I am totally lobotomised and spaghetti headed, still in the marriage, agreeing to counselling :( which I really don't want to do) and thinking does he have a point. I wouldn't like to have to give loads of presentations for instance.

Woah, great going and well done you for a) tackling the solicitor and b) picking up the phone when you knew it'd be him on the other end. So pleased that you were reassured by the solicitor. Let's face it, she must have seen and heard some stories, so yours will probably seem relatively tame in comparison. Maybe.

He must sense his control over you slowly unravelling and he just doesn't know what to do. Names like that are great though - let him call you all the names under the sun, it weakens him and strengthens you and he knows it too.

Don't feel like you need to keep talking to him if all he's doing is being abusive though. Screen your calls or the moment he starts spitting out insults, calmly say 'I know you're upset, but I don't have to listen to this' and hang up. And again, and again, and again, if needs be. Funny how, if you are 'ugly, slutty and retarded' as he claims, why he's so upset that you no longer want to be married to him....? Is it wrong that I snorted at laughter with his rather pathetic and predictable choice of names?

As I said before, my only worry is that he seems a very complex, controlling, manipulative man, and by ending the marriage, you're taking his control away which he won't like one little bit. He might have said he wouldn't come battering the door down, but is it worth considering changing the locks? I know it's also his house, but he's proved time and time again that he can't be trusted, he lies, he's aggressive, volatile and angry, and that's without delving too deep into his psychology...

Keep going my girl. Burn your wedding dress and dance around the fire!

Haha thank you Ears xx good point I'll have a think re the locks.

Well if you were looking for some confirmation that you were doing the right thing, you have it, expect more verbal abuse OP and ignore, ignore, ignore. Keep going, we are all proud of you.

I think I'd be phoning 101 to make them aware, just in case and definitely changing the locks.

"I kept saying 'what is it that I'm throwing away H'? I also said am I to phone the police and warn them that he might be turning up on my doorstep hammering the front door to which he sort of harrumphed 'No' "

Yessss, well done you!

It's been a heck of a day and it's not over yet. Good work, and stay on your toes thename.
(...I've made a name change, am the same Bird from upthread)

Stay strong Name. You are amazing.

Garlic i will keep an eye out for it.

Karen unfortunately in a lot of cases the womans family will support the ex. Mine would.

Wow what a day! Thinking of you

Ah well it's all out now. The tension was terrible for you so now your cards are on the table and you want a divorce. Let him stew, I don't get why he thinks it's okay to call YOUR parents. He has family let him call them ...arsewipe that he is! Stay strong!

The name calling and abuse is because he is allowed to hate you, treat you like shit and not give a thought but you are not allowed to hate him.

Hating him implies that there is something wrong with him or his behaviour and that is something he simply cannot countenance. That and the fact that he has no been shown, in no uncertain terms, what his behaviour has led to.

Keep the faith, add a bolt to every door (preferably two) and dont be afraid to ring the police if you feel scared.

I am an ugly, slutty, retarded cunt apparently Ah. Well, if that is what he actually thinks of you there really would be no point in getting this counselling he says he wants. In my book, there would be absolutely no coming back from a comment like that! He really is a pathetic little scumbag isn't he?

You have done bloody, bloody well! This roller coaster really is throwing you up and down with alarming unpredictability…first you thought you were moving to a shelter any minute, then the deflation when that turned out not to be the case, him banging on about moving back in, and now all this and it is OUT. Better OUT than IN

Priorities now are keeping safe, detaching and disengaging, treating yourself very well indeed (which includes: sleep, food, comfort, MN, treats)

Oh, and not that it needs saying, but obviously, er… no more getting pissed and spilling the beans dinners out together

Well done, Name, well done! And congratulations

So, rings are off, and you're off the hook now and don't have to worry about keeping everything under wraps. I hope you're breathing a bit more easily now. You are sounding a lot brighter, at any rate.

Remember, everything is manageable! No matter how difficult or bleak things seem, there is always a way if you just put one foot in front of the other.

Your friend sounds great. Perhaps some celebration with her is in order? I know it's just the start, and being the manipulative bastard he is, he won't make it easy for you, but this feels like such a burden has been lifted from you that surely it merits a little !

Brilliant!! Thank you everybody - I'm definitely all over the place and slightly short of breath at the moment but all in a good way

Got another friend coming over soon for some and a debrief!

Ah crossed posts Jux

Yes my friend has definitely been my rock and H knows that. I told her the petition's in (she's going through her own shit at the moment, just a little further on than me and no way near as much abuse) and she was thrilled obviously - ahh happy days (well at least today anyway!!)

Aah name - I'm glad it is out in the open, you seem buoyant. And that is good.

Expect the unexpected but it seems you put him in his place good and proper. chin chin .

Hi thename,
He read your texts...a serious breach of personal boundaries. I bet he wouldn't let you read his texts. Bastard.

Since you have listened to his abusive tirade since his discovery, I would put a limit to that and hang up the phone/walk away the moment your brain registers an insult. You do not need to endure that anymore and he can't make you.

Have you told your dds yet? You might want to have the first word with them about it before he gives them the full 'wronged party' treatment.

Keep going! You are doing great!

Read your thread over the last couple of days and just had to say you're doing fab, the change in you is amazing!
My XP was an expert with the mind games, I spent (too many) years with my head just feeling like it was full of cotton wool, trying to figure out how i could be more intelligent/ a better mother/ better looking etc... just so he could be happier! When the fog lifts its like seeing a whole new world out there!
Your future is going to be so much more peaceful!

Thename, I know you feel like you have let yourself down a bit, but in the grand scheme, what you did is a) understandable and a symptom. b) Totally Meh! compared to the things he does to you.
I agree with the others it was a 'gloves coming off moment' and actually a good thing as you needed something to get you to the next step, not ideal but who cares? If he refuses to sign the petition than ask him to petition you for being a retarded slutty whatever it was he called you......tell him you will sign anything to get away from him. At least that way he will be in no doubt about how you feel about him now!

Thank you everyone - I woke up this morning to 6 missed calls and 2 texts 'please can we talk about this' and 'please'

So my phone is now switched off and the landline is unplugged.

This is where the no contact rule is vital for me because this is where he would always worm his way back again. No matter what had been said or done - and even now when he knows I have 'cheated' and am lodging a divorce petition.

It may be he wants to talk reasonably about the divorce but I highly doubt it!

It's funny how much he wants to talk about it now, when just the other weekend he said you need talk and then buggered off to Scotland.

Well done keeping no contact.
You sound strong and so much happier and in control.
Routing for you.
Keep going!

Thanks twink, thanks hells

He did phone my dad last night not that they called me to let me know - I had to call them....and the upshot is that he is distraught and I need to let him back because he misses his kids.

The spit in the face was talked about and for that he is deeply ashamed.

But my mum said 'you need to let him back, he needs to see his kids'

Brain fogged bastards - i was stupid even to call them.

I told her he uses the kids - if he loves them so much what about his driving at 100mph almost touching the bumper of the car in front while his precious kids are in the back, what about his precious daughter talking about his frightening temper with a special teacher at school.

That's it - he's getting ignored and so are they

I have been lurking/ dipping in and out of this thread for a while.

I am in awe of how strong you've been. Thank god you finally snapped at him, and hopefully now this is out in the open you can divorce the fucker without the need to hide away. Keep the police on speed dial just in case but hopefully he will be more sensible/not want to look like a bad guy in all of this by acting further.

I'm so sorry that your parents are siding with him/convincing you that you're acting unfairly. Your H has abused you for years. Just think about that for a second and then how would you feel if that happened to one of your DD's. Most parents would be mortified and want to help - they'd probably feel guilty themselves that they didn't see it/ prevent it from happening. The fact that your parents aren't supporting you shows you that they are just as bad as H is.

Now enjoy removing your wedding rings of constraint and embrace the support of your friends, solicitor and MN. This is the route to a life without H, just keep thinking how brilliant that will be

I think that your parents think they are supporting you, because they mistakenly think they know what is best for you. BUT, they are comfortable or familiar at least, with certain behaviours, and when he rings them and tries to persuade them, he is doing a number on them and they are falling for it.

Your resolve to ignore both him and them will help you. I think this is the most difficult time, when you've made the decision and people are trying to persuade you it is the wrong one.

It isn't the wrong decision, it is the right one. Hold onto that thought.

KEEP ON KEEPING ON

I have been following the thread and just want to give a word of support for getting as far as you have done, even if the picture doesn't look quite what you have anticipated.

If he was that desperate to see his children, why has he been living somewhere else for ages?

Regarding your parents, the question I would be asking is: 'Why isn't your word enough?'

You don't need anyone else's permission or blessing to do this.

We can choose to marry with our family and friends around us, but we don't need their consent to do so. Likewise, we might choose to seek the support of family and friends when splitting up, but we don't need their consent to do so.

It does make me realise that, if I were ever to separate, my controlling father would be have to be told, long afterwards, from a distance of several hundred miles and probably by post.

He loves them so much he lives apart from them during the week, and doesn't even bother coming home at weekends?

They're not dollies that to be played with when he fancies.

I agree, you can only ignore your parents. As you're their only child, a good dose of no contact may focus their minds.