How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

[thenamehaschanged]

H rents a room close to his work and comes back to the family home at the weekend (the family home is only 40 minutes max to his work by the way!)
He manages a department, has a lot of responsibility and pressure, has to give presentations daily which he says he hates and works often to about 7.30/8pm after an early start so I am in no way doubting he's busy and stressed at times. There is also a hell of a lot of socialising and boozing pretty much all week with trips to karaoke bars, top restaurants where he is simply the life and soul.
What I get coming through the door at the weekend though is a moody, sullen, withdrawn shell of a man who when asked if ok either doesn't respond or looks at you with mild scorn. He is so resentful, jealous even, that he has to work - and hates me for being more at home with the kids which is where he wants to be. you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Needless to say I can't wait for him to just fuck off back out the door again Monday morning!
He is controlling and abusive and I am going to see a solicitor next week - I have tried to end the marriage many times but his grip just gets tighter. The last occasion was this week, I snapped (again) told him it was over and that I am seeing a solicitor - I won't go on too long about it all but his continual defence of how horrible he is is that (after he's told me that I'm just as abusive which I really really am not) he's stressed, under pressure and doesn't want to be doing this job even though it pays well and comes with lots of perks. It's a job he trained specifically to do, he did leave it for 8 years as there were elements he didn't like, to build his own business which failed (he was an arse then as well) there's no other job he will entertain doing and so he's back doing his old job.
And I am embarrassed to say that here I am totally lobotomised and spaghetti headed, still in the marriage, agreeing to counselling :( which I really don't want to do) and thinking does he have a point. I wouldn't like to have to give loads of presentations for instance.

I'm so sorry for the latest developments

Is he definitely staying away now? Or do you need to ring WA and get into a refuge until he gets the letter?

Hopefully you've told your friend what's happened so you have rl support.

Stay calm. Have a cup of coffee or tea. Phone your solicitor and get advice. Following that, phone WA and get advice.

You are human and under extreme stress. Blaming yourself won't get you anywhere now.

Take a deep breath, have a .

Do you think you are at risk? Please speak to your solicitor.

No I don't think I am at risk Karen.

And now my mum has phoned me - he's been on to my dad in tears. He's going to call my dad back because he couldn't get a word out he is so upset.

I've told my mum just to agree with everything he says.

Oh holy fuck.

I feel too embarrassed to speak to my solicitor

The jig is up - it was me all along. I'm the bad one

I'm not. I'm so not.

It's not the end of the world OP, perhaps you spilled the beans because, subconsciously, you just can't face living with him for another month, pretending.

He wanted to move back in for the last 2 months so much that he... er...didn't.

He missed his children so much that he didn't see them either.

It's all bullshit.

I would tell ask your parents not to speak to him, and if they choose to, just don't listen to anything they say. This is all part of his manipulation to pull you back in - using your parents as proxy. You have to stay strong and ignore everything they say from now on. Even to the point of not talking to them for a while, if necessary.

Abusers always blame the victim that's the standard script. Of course it's all your fault, just as the mortgage was. He could never, in a million years take responsibility for his own behaviour.

I think it's a good idea to phone WA.
I'm so sorry all this has happened.

All his aggressive slander is pretty much exactly what you anticipated. It's out of the textbook of what vile abusers say about their exes... I've heard almost the same words about someone recently, but that's another story.

It's not you.

Oh name, sweetheart.

First of all, this is not about you or about being 'found out'. Your husband will be cockahoop that finally, he has a 'reason' for why he isn't the bad guy and he can play the injured party. And play it he will. He will love his new-found victim status and will run with it. But do you know what, that's absolutely fine, just let him. If it means he can leave the marriage as the 'good guy', the end result is the same. You get your freedom and a happy, contented home without worrying about being in danger, fearing his reactions or living with constant, gnawing anxiety.

I know it hasn't panned out the way you like, but like Twinkle said, this is you finally reaching rock bottom and saying 'I can't do this anymore'. It's understandable, and he will use to his advantage. Don't let him drag you further down, and don't play the game with him. Don't engage with his arguments, his name calling, his accusations. You're worth so much more. He needs to be met with silence, nothing more and nothing less. Let your solicitor handle it, and insist, for your sanity, on as little contact as possible. Still present him with the petition as your points are still valid, and your feelings still the same. He can't say 'oh, but that's not fair. She snogged someone and won't let me move in' as it's just strengthing the argument for a divorce and he sure as hell won't make this easier for you.

The upside (sorry, I realise it must feel like there isn't one right now) is that you're safe in your home, the girls are safe in their home and he's not there. If you're worried, change the locks. Bag up his stuff so he has more in his room, wherever it may be.

Don't give up, don't blame yourself. Give yourself some time to accept the change in direction, but keep talking, we'll all support you and help you tap into that amazing strength you've shown in the last few weeks.

Thank you so much Ears, twink and everyone

That's what this is - it's rock bottom and the wine just brought it all out in the open last night.

Funny that he was inconsolable on the phone to my dad but yet straight after called me with a full 'he's the victim' tirade

Darling I have my own crisis going on at the moment and I know other posters are supporting you as you deserve, so I'll keep this shortish. The central thing to keep in mind is that it doesn't matter what your H, your parents, or the man on the bus says. A divorce isn't a matter of who's wrong; it's only a case of ticking some boxes that show a marriage isn't good enough for either or both of the partners.

I may have told you before that XH2 refused to sign my petition, so I got a new set of forms and helped him fill out a petition against me

It's sad that he's getting to you so badly. The Freedom Programme will immunise you against his headfuckery! So will your thread. Stay with it

You can take your rings off again now! xx

All good advice from above posters OP so please don't despair. Yes the shit has hit the fan in a manner you hadn't planned on but it doesn't change the fundamentals - you know how it has been for you, you know how abysmal it has been for you, and you know you want out, his 'discovering' texts and your confession is immaterial and as other posters have said, this is a golden ticket for him to paint you scarlet - don't go there.

Keep as calm as possible and go forth with your plans with a good solicitor to walk you through it, nothing changes except he has now got a heads up and can create and stomp, tough, you don't have to engage, let the solicitor take over.

I too would suggest your parents keep their distance, sounds like he feels he can get them on side and considering their reaction and lack of support of your wishes, that could well be a combination you could do without.

Haha thank you Garlic! Xxx

I feel bloody great now - rings are off - just spoke to my friend who said I sound really different - in control and brave rather than fearful and nervy!

I don't care what he thinks about me - I'm totally bloody unhappy, it's all his fault - he had a wife and family and he has treated us like shit....for years. I am no adulterer.....I bet he bloody is though.

Yay, name is back!

Rings are off, and you're back in control of your life. It's not been the way you'd anticipated, but the outcome is the same, if not better. You're not in a refuge, terrified of his next move or looking over your shoulder and panicking about reassuring your girls in the right way. You can now make strong strides forward and focus on your next steps. Not his, yours.

When he called you, was it just to call you names and play the victim or was it to discuss what happens now? Does he know to stay away, or is it all knee-jerk reactions right now? Has he asked about coming to 'talk' or whether he wants to see the girls?

The last thing I want to do is worry you, but be very careful about his interaction with the girls. Yes, he absolutely needs to maintain a relationship with them, but he's shown in the past, time and time again, how everything he does tends to be with a subtext, and I wouldn't put it past him to use them to get to you. My exH actually is a lovely man (just not the H for me) and when we were splitting up, he decided to take our son away for a few days. For whatever crazy reason, he then decided to stay for longer than expected, not answer calls and take their passports - not with the intention of doing anything but just to freak me out a little. He wasn't/isn't a malicious man, just a man who was desperate for things to be different. I wouldn't put it past your crazyass soon-to-be-ex to deliberately try and frighten you in a similar way, just to show he has the upper hand now and then. Like I say, please don't think I'm trying to frighten you, I just want you to be wary.

But that's for another day. For now, hold your head high, talk to people in real life and harness their support, and visualise what your life is going to look and feel like. Maybe I shouldn't admit this but I make mood boards to keep my focussed on the end prize, including beautiful rooms, vases of flowers, a gorgeous chair with a book and a glass of wine, a stunning holiday destination. But I suspect I'm dreadfully sad You're well on your way now and there is no turning back. Go girl!

Lovely Garlic, you're always so generous with wise words and support, I really hope your crisis isn't too awful? Remember, we're all here...

Bound to be backlash from him now he can see you are freeing from his hold, stay strong, you are doing absolutely bloody brilliantly!

Yes of course, sorry Garlic I hope you're ok too - I've been a bit giddy with things this morning!

Thank you Ears, real wise words there - I get it, I see what you're saying. I can see him doing something like that actually so I will be mindful.

Thank you both :) I may be starting a thread later!

Thank you Jan! Do you know it was you who told me to keep posting all those weeks ago! I probably wouldn't have otherwise this thread therefore become my support journal

And I'll be on yours Garlic!! :) X

Ditto Garlic, I'll be all ears.
Is it wrong to laugh at your own poor, admittedly joke?

Stay strong ladies. You're all bloody marvellous.

It doesn't change the fact he's a thoughtless self centred abusive dick! Don't communicate with him apart from very basic practicalities, if he starts ranting at you on the phone, calmly say, I'm not listening to this and hang up, even better, field calls through answer phone so you don't have to speak to him except if or when you need to. You're doing great, and soon you'll be rid, so keep that head up knowing you're doing the best thing for you and your children x

This doesn't change anything.

The central thing to keep in mind is that it doesn't matter what your H, your parents, or the man on the bus says < This.

You want out of this marriage - FULL STOP. You are getting out . If he is jumping for joy because as far as he is concerned he has evidence it's all your fault - fine… you are still getting out. It is still the end. It is even more the end than it was before.

You can refuse to talk about it any more, perhaps just by saying 'Yes, sorry and all that, but it really is over because I don't want to be with you anymore. That is enough. You do not need to be put through the wringer about what you have and haven't done etc. Don't attempt to justify or argue it out, just detach detach detach.

Well bloody done!

Don't be embarrassed to speak to your solicitor, I bet she's heard it all before.

Strange how these guys always expect the wife's family to support them and turn to them. My parents had my ex issued with a harassment warning when he pressurised them about me.

Divorce petition lodged!

Solicitor was great - she said often in cases like this where there has been control, a visit to the solicitor can mean the end is in sight and so behaviour can become to an extent where it all ends up out in the open!

I still can't believe this has happened and that he knows.

I spoke to him at lunchtime - and whoa did he unleash a full tirade at me - I am an ugly, slutty, retarded cunt apparently and I have just 'thrown it all away' without even attempting counselling. Do you know, funnily enough it was me that first wanted counselling a few years back because I thought we had 'communication' problems

I kept saying 'what is it that I'm throwing away H'? I also said am I to phone the police and warn them that he might be turning up on my doorstep hammering the front door to which he sort of harrumphed 'No'

What a day! Love you all