How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

[thenamehaschanged]

H rents a room close to his work and comes back to the family home at the weekend (the family home is only 40 minutes max to his work by the way!)
He manages a department, has a lot of responsibility and pressure, has to give presentations daily which he says he hates and works often to about 7.30/8pm after an early start so I am in no way doubting he's busy and stressed at times. There is also a hell of a lot of socialising and boozing pretty much all week with trips to karaoke bars, top restaurants where he is simply the life and soul.
What I get coming through the door at the weekend though is a moody, sullen, withdrawn shell of a man who when asked if ok either doesn't respond or looks at you with mild scorn. He is so resentful, jealous even, that he has to work - and hates me for being more at home with the kids which is where he wants to be. you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Needless to say I can't wait for him to just fuck off back out the door again Monday morning!
He is controlling and abusive and I am going to see a solicitor next week - I have tried to end the marriage many times but his grip just gets tighter. The last occasion was this week, I snapped (again) told him it was over and that I am seeing a solicitor - I won't go on too long about it all but his continual defence of how horrible he is is that (after he's told me that I'm just as abusive which I really really am not) he's stressed, under pressure and doesn't want to be doing this job even though it pays well and comes with lots of perks. It's a job he trained specifically to do, he did leave it for 8 years as there were elements he didn't like, to build his own business which failed (he was an arse then as well) there's no other job he will entertain doing and so he's back doing his old job.
And I am embarrassed to say that here I am totally lobotomised and spaghetti headed, still in the marriage, agreeing to counselling :( which I really don't want to do) and thinking does he have a point. I wouldn't like to have to give loads of presentations for instance.

Oh, heck, Name, that's a swipe :(

I am ever so glad you're feeling strong and in charge. I'd suggest speaking to Women's Aid about this again, if you haven't already. For one thing, you need to know where you stand on a refuge place, and they might disagree with your solicitor about moving back.

Lots more and continued determination for you. Oh, and here's a for H

That's rather a let down for you and another stress you don't need, poor you x speak to WA, see what they advise. Hugs

It's just another hurdle you can easily jump over.
I have filed via a solicitor recently.
1st petition sent back within a week by the court as it wasn't quite what they wanted.
Redone last week and my Ex has the paperwork from the court already.
In this area at least, it's only taking a week or so for the courts to agree and send out the petition.
But definitely prepare for the worst for now.

Keep going and keep strong. I've been amazed at how strong you have been through all this.

You are an inspiration and your new life will begin soon!

No, listen, it is not as bad as it sounds. Keep calm and think about it.

He is not living at the family home. Good. He has another address. Even better. Therefore you can easily get occupation of the family home, as he has another home to go to. The judge will want to know if he has other housing options. He does, so he is housed.

It is clear that you and the children need to continue to live in the family home. If you are already in a refuge, it is another hurdle. If you are safe in the family home, why not move back in, in particular as he does not live there. Is he coming back for weekends still?

If he gets suspicious, make up things, suggest relationship counselling and things like that, but of course you can only do that once the girls are back at school so it will have to wait.

Yes - thank you everyone - it is just a hurdle isn't it - I can do this - I just need to be stronger around him - I'll just tell him that I'm not ready for him to move back - but then I won't be able to use that he lives separately from us as part of the unreasonable behaviour if I am preventing him from moving back can I? - bugger

Huge Well done Hells for getting your papers served anyway! Hope it all goes ok x

Thanks very much.
It's taken me 5 years though!
He's in another country so I haven't really had to worry about it until recently.

Just keep going.

He's lived separately for a long time - that is unreasonable behaviour.

In the context of filing for divorce, and being afraid of him, it's understandable if now you don't want him back.

It will probably take him a while to get rid of the other place anyway, if indeed he actually goes through with it. I would suggest he goes visiting more people at weekends...

Thanks twink that's ok then. I just paid his rent. It's always nice going into the online bank and looking at card payment after card payment at various pubs and clubs from last week! Looks like it was him and one other at 2 pubs and then 2 more drinks in a club on Thursday.

This 4 weeks could be put to good use I guess. At least the hamsters will still be with us

I can't see the problem as he's been living elsewhere for a long time - I think it's immaterial to your legal position that he wants to move back (and you don't want him to because you're planning to leave the marriage) . all the evidence is there, including his non stop piss ups socialising throughout.

This may be a risky strategy but I used to ask the ex for the opposite of what I wanted. Worked every time. EVERY time. Eg if you don't want him to move back in, ask him to, lay it on. But you know him best, it might not work with him, even if you could stand to do it without vomiting.

Disappointing when you were all ready . But maybe it's for the best and you have more time to get properly ready, more time to cross the t's etc. Xx

That's too bad about the setback, thename....well, not really going backwards though. More like just breaking for a curve ahead. You are so up for it though. You have such a great and positive attitude.

It is ironic in a way. Your parents will have moved by then. But without this misunderstanding you would not have had the perspective/incentive to re-calibrate slash and burn those apron strings.

Hang in there.

Keep going. Be kind to yourself and look after yourself as much as possible, you need to eat well and sleep and keep your reserves up as much as you can, the adrenaliney ups and downs can be really tiring. You're doing great.

Oh name, I can understand what a setback it must feel like, but like the others have said, this simply gives you another month to get things sorted, in order and to be mentally prepared for what will follow. You're stronger than you've ever been, you know what you want and you know how hard you're prepared to work for it, so you're a million miles on from where you've been before. As the others said, it's not a backward step, more of a refuelling point. Use having your base as a means of gaining even more strength. The only exception to this is if you genuinely feel like you and your girls are likely to be in danger from him. In which case, get things organised for every weekend for the next few weeks so if he does decide to come home and freak you all out grace you with his presence, you're not around so you're not in danger in any way, shape or form.

I meant to ask before, but how do you think your girls will take to the move and not seeing their father? Do they know how vile he is or are they spared it and do they only see the smiling, performing family man? Have you worked out what to do around him seeing them or spending time with them?

Been thinking of you all day my love, and hoping it was going OK. I'm so sorry your visit to your parents didn't work out in the way you'd hoped. There's nothing more disappointing than when the people who you think you can rely on choose to refuse to support you, at least in a way that you need. It's not the same I know, but rely on the thread for moral support. We're all with you in spirit, and willing you on.

xxx

Have you thought to print off all the bank statements for as long back as possible? Also credit card statements. Have you got all the details of his income / investment / joint assets. Can he hide any assets? If you are now waiting, you may as well prepare your paperwork, unless you have already done this. Think of CM, the children's needs, your financial requirements. Have you got copies of his tax returns?

Post separation these guys usually think the children are no longer their responsibility and you have to run after every penny while trying to find a new job which is what I am currently doing.

Thank you everyone xx you are my vital lifeline

I'm back home now - that was a pretty depressing drive - driving from my family home where I am unloved back to my married home where I am also unloved! I feel flat but think this is a good opportunity to have that big cry tonight when the kids are asleep

Karen - yes I will, I do have tax returns and I will get the statements printed off. God that's depressing these arseholes need to be chased for money - good luck getting a job!

Thank you Ears that means so much and is true, I am using this thread for moral support! The DD's barely ever mention him, they love him obviously but thankfully they are so used to just being with me and him not here that I don't think it will phase them too much hopefully.

Band, oh yeah I didn't think about that. They will have moved by then. I just don't know what I feel about that whole time at theirs. My head is very foggy - I've told the kids to just go and play upstairs and leave me alone for a bit to think (as they keep bloody fighting!) it's been draining and strange and I was building up to something huge that didn't happen all in the face of their adversity.

Daffs - hmm nice thought but I don't think I would risk saying I wanted him back haha - I know what you mean, he's never done anything for me in the past but he's made too much noise about wanting to move back so I think it might backfire! I can't think of anything worse, having to make his dinner every night while he either doesn't show up or comes in late and in a mood. Not being asked how I am (or begrudgingly so) and ignoring me urgh shudder!

Yep bath and big cry coming tonight - I say that because I'm not really a crier, definitely not in front of other people anyway. I probably hold it all in a bit too much actually.

At least h doesn't think we'll be back until Wednesday

Bath, wine and a cry tonight then get your head together tomorrow. There is lots of wonderful advice on this thread, make yourself a check list of everything you need and work through it. Print everything off that you can or copy, I'm sure I've read on this board that you can't take originals if it's in joint names so copy everything. Don't give him an excuse to take any moral high ground later on in proceedings. By finding out you've done down thing wrong.

I also agree with the poster who said lots of weekend activities for you and the girls so if he comes back you're out or on your way out, an don't change your plans for him. Good luck

No you are not unloved - your children love you.

Do not underestimate the importance of having your paperwork in order.

Presumably if he kicks off anywhere and you feel unsafe you can call the police and get a non-molestation order anywhere, that can be done anytime if you have grounds?

Oh name, keep remembering the feeling of that dreadful drive home and use it to drive you forward. As Karenthetoadslayer said, you're not unloved, you're loved by your girls, and you are setting them the very best possible example of how to take control of your life in the most positive way imaginable. They'll have picked up on so much more than you realise and right now, despite the brave face you're undoubtedly putting on, you're desperately unhappy and that gives off a vibe. They'll be giddy when they have a genuinely happy, relaxed, content mother, so imagine that when it all feels too much, and it'll help power you through.

You're a bloody inspiration!

Thank you again everyone for all your support

I feel very down. I did have a big cry last night, it has been good getting away from my parents, but being back here is a little bit devastating.

I think mostly I just feel exhausted by it all. The thought of having to put my rings back on again and take some more of his shit whether it's mr nice guy or his usual self - when I thought I was almost there yesterday is just - but it's not like I have a choice.

2 positives this week though are the solicitor will be sending me over the full draft petition for me to check and it will go to court this week - and I'm meeting the freedom programme lady on Friday ahead of the course starting in sept so those are 2 positive steps.

Getting the kids back to school in sept, getting back to part time work then and starting the freedom prog will be really good for me. I won't feel as isolated and lonely and hopeless as I do now!

Name, I don't have anything to say, but I just wanted to pop by and say I am thinking of you. Yours is the first thread I look for every time I check in.

Stay strong, you will get through this, I promise you. I've been where you are and here I am, 10 years down the line, and the ex is just a distant memory. Even though it's been hard at times and I've been skint to the point I've had to raid the kids' piggy banks on occasions ... I don't have a single regret about leaving the bastard.

As I mentioned previously ... when you describe your H, the similarities with my ex give me chills, which is why your thread hit such a chord with me.

You will get through this and out the other side to a brighter, better future, and all of us here will be right there with you, every step of the way.

Take care
Font
x

Thank you Font you and everyone else here has meant the world to me over these last few weeks.

I'll probably quiet down this thread a little bit now as I'll just be repeating myself at the moment - but I'll be back for support again when the papers are ready to be served if that's ok

Love to you all
Thename

Sending you thoughts from here too, it must be so hard to step back a bit when you were ready to go, but you'll get there, planning nice things to do with the kids will give you something to look forward to as well as keeping you out the house in case he turns up. Keep on with the planning / gathering, maybe have the emergency most important things bag in case you need to leave quickly, but fingers crossed he stays out being his usual waste of space socialiser, and you'll soon be rid. Sleep well x

Thank you adara

I have let myself down very very badly

He wanted to go out for a meal last night. I really didn't want to because of his previous behaviour in public places - but he insisted and so not wanting to upset things I agreed. So we (me and the kids) met him in a local restaurant, but I was feeling wary rather than happy.

I ended up drinking too much and (I think) starting a row when we got back home. I accused him of cheating on me which he vehemently denied.

One night when I was out with my friend a while ago I ended up snogging a guy - I bloody ended up admitting to that last night!!

Shit.

He woke me up at 7 this morning (we slept separately obviously) and told me he had read my phone which were the supportive texts between me and my friend that I so so so stupidly had forgotten to delete.

He knows about the solicitor. He was calling my friend all sorts.

He has left to go to work but all in all is doing the hurt/wronged act now. The marriage is over, he is 'supposed to be expecting papers from a solicitor about unreasonable behaviour on his part when actually I am a cheating, alcoholic, slovenly cow who has been preventing him from moving back even though for the last two months he has wanted to.

Shit shit shit

I'm upset because I have been 'found out' btw - like he always said i would be......not because I'm upset my marriage could be over