How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

[thenamehaschanged]

H rents a room close to his work and comes back to the family home at the weekend (the family home is only 40 minutes max to his work by the way!)
He manages a department, has a lot of responsibility and pressure, has to give presentations daily which he says he hates and works often to about 7.30/8pm after an early start so I am in no way doubting he's busy and stressed at times. There is also a hell of a lot of socialising and boozing pretty much all week with trips to karaoke bars, top restaurants where he is simply the life and soul.
What I get coming through the door at the weekend though is a moody, sullen, withdrawn shell of a man who when asked if ok either doesn't respond or looks at you with mild scorn. He is so resentful, jealous even, that he has to work - and hates me for being more at home with the kids which is where he wants to be. you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Needless to say I can't wait for him to just fuck off back out the door again Monday morning!
He is controlling and abusive and I am going to see a solicitor next week - I have tried to end the marriage many times but his grip just gets tighter. The last occasion was this week, I snapped (again) told him it was over and that I am seeing a solicitor - I won't go on too long about it all but his continual defence of how horrible he is is that (after he's told me that I'm just as abusive which I really really am not) he's stressed, under pressure and doesn't want to be doing this job even though it pays well and comes with lots of perks. It's a job he trained specifically to do, he did leave it for 8 years as there were elements he didn't like, to build his own business which failed (he was an arse then as well) there's no other job he will entertain doing and so he's back doing his old job.
And I am embarrassed to say that here I am totally lobotomised and spaghetti headed, still in the marriage, agreeing to counselling :( which I really don't want to do) and thinking does he have a point. I wouldn't like to have to give loads of presentations for instance.

I have been following this thread and really don't know what to say. It is desperately sad and I wish I could help in some way.

I have in the past been very unwell and recognised from Happy's post the confusion and anxiety from my darkest days. And I remember back then anything that anyone said was hard to absorb and process. I'm glad if Happy has found some comfort in this thread but it also worried me that she was trying to deal with so much advice, however well intentioned.

The poor love. If only we could harness all our good intent into pratical help.

Wrong thread tread...but I do agree with you - too much info to process. x

Oh shoot, sorry! Ignore me.

That's ok tread, thank you Ribena.

I think I need to have a big cry. I'm holding it back as if it were puke because it's not going to be nice but I need to do it - think the folks might take the DD's out somewhere so I'll look up something sad to start me off!

And yes I think I have set up a new email - will double check it.

I'm staying in bed at the moment - I feel stressed and have been awake since the hamster vs my mum episode!

If you are near a 'Pets at Home' they would take the hamsters for rehoming, and there is a chance that they might still be there when you come out.

I think most refuges seem to have internet access but you may need to rely on a local cafe or library if not.

I agree that your parents are not helping here - somewhere along the way they have taught you that your feelings and needs come bottom of the pile, and that you need to not rock the boat if it upsets them or goes against their beliefs. I am glad that you have recognsied that and are doing what is right for you and the children. A new email/SIM may come in handy for them as well! If they dont know where you have gone they cannot tell him, so in order to prevent them 'having to lie' (its amazing how these parents have to have the moral 'we must tell the truth' at times like this) its best you keep your contact details unknown to them as well.

I agree with PP in regards him having the papers at work - he is going to go crazy anyway, and in some ways he will need to keep a lid on it if its at work, but at least you know that he has got them. Otherwise I wouldnt trust him to not pretend he didnt and go into 'desperate husband, my wife is missing, she has abducted my children' routine, reporting you to police, etc, just to make him the big victim.

That's a good idea about pets at home as well, thanks nettle - it's going to go down like a shit sandwich with my two, they absolutely adore those critters - but I'll just tell them we are having a little holiday or something and they can get them back afterwards :s

I feel ok today - my friend last night was adamant - if you're going to do this then it needs to be done properly, no faffing! It's not as if he hasn't been given chance after chance - although he will treat this as if it's come wham right out of the blue it actually hasn't - I have been trying to properly end the marriage for the last two years and have told him how much he hurts me and it never, ever improves. The nastiness just increases.

When he called yesterday I told him I had sent him the bank log in details (so that he can't chase me for them afterwards) and that the rent on his party shag pad needs to be paid and he said he wants to give notice on it now and move back - he was doing the hopeful, friendly, forlorn BS so I quickly ended the call.

I really, really hate him - if he does murder me then well, at least I got out first. Stuff to talk about with at the refuge, freedom programme I guess - he did once make a couple of jokes about that he could imagine him strangling me if I took his kids away from him.

Nice joke

Your friend sounds great! It means a lot to have realistic support, name, send her a bunch of from me.

Wishing you all good speed.

Hang on to the hamsters until you know which refuge you're going into as it may be one which will allow you to bring them.

Your friend sounds great!

Have as much of a restful day today as you can.

I'm concerned that you don't have a refuge set up yet. Can you arrange that today?

Stay safe thename. Try not to do too much out of the ordinary, that's all I would say.

Do you have your own bank account with money in it? In case he tries to shut the bank a/c or empty it, now you've given him the login. (Sorry if you've covered this before)

Can you talk to anyone about the refuge place today, or do you have to wait till tomorrow? The sooner you have concrete information, and a place to get to, the better.

Good point Hansie. I had missed that, just assumed that it was all organised.

Name, call WA today. Get a place sorted for definite. Refuges can get filled up and if there's suddenly no space then you're stuck until there is. You may find you can't get in somewhere until Tuesday, for instance, so you would need to tell your solicitor that.

Ring them. Fingers crossed!

Stay safe, name. Don't tell anyone where you are, no one needs to know the refuge location and I bet he will try all kinds to find out. Good good luck, sending you courage in your heart and fire in your belly. You can do this.

Wishing you all the best, TheName. As others said, your dh will contact (and harass) anybody he thinks would know your whereabouts; tell people only on a need to know basis.

In addition to the documents mentioned earlier, remember to take your NI number, any work related paperwork (P60, wage slips, contracts...), qualifications and all documents pertaining the house, including house bills (you might have to negotiate if your dh stops paying the utility bills). It might be worthwhile renting a PO box to redirect all your mail to.

I once accompanied a friend to a WA refuge and I was overwhelmed at the warmth and welcome she received. Sending you lots of cyber hugs.

Thank you everyone

I have had another few run ins with my dad today - it has been pretty horrific - thinks I'm ridiculous, thinks this is going to be a 'complete fucking financial nightmare' and that the house is going to be repossessed. I'll walk away with nothing blah blah blah - can't I just wait a few weeks until they are settled in their new place....

I had a couple of (deliberately) missed calls from H earlier - I was a bit worried that he might try and come and 'see us all' on a lazy Sunday and so I texted him back that sorry to miss his calls, me and the girls are out for the day and evening - I also told him my parents were moving on Tuesday which I thought would hopefully throw him off the scent of turning up here.

So as you would I thought I would update my mum on this and that's where my dad just kicked off again - it flits between I don't want to talk about this, to you're totally mad and doing this all wrong, that I can't just 'disappear' people will eventually know where I am. That would it have been the worst thing in the world if he had have turned up here today??

This was the man who was eventually supportive and understanding of the refuge idea the other night - unless that was just to spite my mum.

I have decided that if he loves H so fucking much then it shouldn't be too much hassle for him when H turns up on their doorstep or doesn't stop calling him.

I have got myself a payg phone today - I will put their numbers in it but I won't be letting them know my whereabouts for a while. Maybe a text from my old phone that I am fine but that I won't be contacting them for a while because their 'support' has been utter fucking shite - just another excuse to stick the boot in.

I am seeing my friend again tonight - I am going to be speaking to refuges tomorrow (I'll ask the parents if they can at least take the kids out for a bit for me tomorrow so I can make some calls) and then I will move either tomorrow night or Tuesday.

I am just dumbfounded, really.

Make sure you have financial things sorted as a pp mentioned so he can't just drain the joint account if there is anything left in it. Or run up a massive overdraft you would jointly be liable for.

Good luck

The refuge is a godsend because you really couldn't have gone to stay with people who talk like this.

I think in future, don't update your mum on anything, just leave your parents out of the loop. Keep contact to a minimum. Def do not tell them where you are because they could well tell your stbx in this misguided belief that they're trying to help.

It's a bugger, but you'll have the people at the refuge to support you.

I know - I'm just spending most of my time sitting out in the garden alone avoiding them.

My mum came out just there to do the softly softly - come on all your dad cares about is you and the girls - oh fuck off!!

You're doing so well with fuck all RL support. You're right not to tell your parents anything or to have much contact once you leave, they are just one more drain on your time and energy, which is much better spent in yourself and child.
Do you have a friend that can help you with the leaving? Help you make sure you've got everything and then come to the refuge with you? Obviously someone you can trust not to tell anyone else where you are?
Keep in being strong, you're doing amazingly well and will start to come out the other side soon even if it feels like you never will right now
(())

Your mum is talking bollocks All your dad cares about is himself They are trying to bully and manipulate you into staying with your H.

I have parents like this and can see through it like a sheet of glass.

Previous posters are right. You cant stay or have contact with them at worst they are abusers themselves......at best they are enablers.

I so wish I weren't moving house as I think I live close (ish) enough to have offered storage and hamster haven otherwise

Yep your parents are all me me me me and you are best of emotionally detaching from them for the time being (or forever?)

So glad your friend is helping you see sense. Thinking of you.

thank you everyone

Finances petal, yes I have my own secret account that I set up in December last year purposely for escaping H! We do have a joint account too which is his main account and all bills come out of there.

I am not going to speak to my parents anymore about the subject at all - and I have agreed that with my mum this morning - she is truly fucking useless as an emotional support and always has been and i won't rise to it if my dad mentions it. I thought she was in support of me via text and phone, but coming to stay here has shown me that they really are not.

I said I considered serving papers to him on Friday - that way he can't walk out of work for the week as punishment - if he has his 'break down' it will probably be alone in his shag pad over the weekend and he will - I don't think I will need any help though - I think I would prefer to do this alone.

No worries about the hamsters Random thank you anyway for the thought :) I'm going to see if I can take them and if not I may have other options x

My post went a bit weird there! I meant my friend has offered to help me move but that I'd rather do it alone!

All I can say is keep your strength, you are doing so well under the most awful pressure OP. Just wow.

I've just spoken to my solicitor.

Getting the petition back from the court could take up to 4 weeks. We are not going to be serving anything this week.

Her advise, move back to the house for now - leaving the house, even for a refuge will in effect make me and the girls homeless and could give him more rights. I need to be there for when school starts etc.

I'm a little gobsmacked. She totally gave me the impression that she would be ready to go this week. I now realise what she meant was that she would be ready to send the papers to the court this week

Well I feel stupid, my parents will be happy though.

I hit a bit of a downer but now I feel a bit stronger - I can do this - I can move back, I don't need to put a happy act on because I haven't been anyway, I will say I don't want him to move back just yet, I'm not comfortable with it and so I don't think he will - in which time the papers will be back, he still will have the room and so he can be served at work then and asked not to come to the matrimonial home then.

So it's just moved on a month then really

Oh dear

tough to keep the pretence for another month- but if you can get him to keep the room on for a bit longer then it shouldn't be much different to now - shame though as you mentally prepare and now it's changed