How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

[thenamehaschanged]

H rents a room close to his work and comes back to the family home at the weekend (the family home is only 40 minutes max to his work by the way!)
He manages a department, has a lot of responsibility and pressure, has to give presentations daily which he says he hates and works often to about 7.30/8pm after an early start so I am in no way doubting he's busy and stressed at times. There is also a hell of a lot of socialising and boozing pretty much all week with trips to karaoke bars, top restaurants where he is simply the life and soul.
What I get coming through the door at the weekend though is a moody, sullen, withdrawn shell of a man who when asked if ok either doesn't respond or looks at you with mild scorn. He is so resentful, jealous even, that he has to work - and hates me for being more at home with the kids which is where he wants to be. you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Needless to say I can't wait for him to just fuck off back out the door again Monday morning!
He is controlling and abusive and I am going to see a solicitor next week - I have tried to end the marriage many times but his grip just gets tighter. The last occasion was this week, I snapped (again) told him it was over and that I am seeing a solicitor - I won't go on too long about it all but his continual defence of how horrible he is is that (after he's told me that I'm just as abusive which I really really am not) he's stressed, under pressure and doesn't want to be doing this job even though it pays well and comes with lots of perks. It's a job he trained specifically to do, he did leave it for 8 years as there were elements he didn't like, to build his own business which failed (he was an arse then as well) there's no other job he will entertain doing and so he's back doing his old job.
And I am embarrassed to say that here I am totally lobotomised and spaghetti headed, still in the marriage, agreeing to counselling :( which I really don't want to do) and thinking does he have a point. I wouldn't like to have to give loads of presentations for instance.

I know. She is saying that her main concerns are me and the girls safety, that he might kill us all, that the mortgage doesn't get paid etc

She's not saying stay in the marriage, but she's thinking is there a more softly softly approach? Can we do mediation first for instance? Not counselling obviously

That is a strange thing for your mum to say. Why would he be emasculated in front of his colleagues - he's not going to make an announcement about it. I assume not, anyway.

I think you should have a cry if you want one. It might be a relief! That space cadet feeling might be the result of the huge doses of adrenaline and general emotional upset that you've had lately ( to put it mildly ).

I would change the subject if your mum brings it up, she's not really helping ATM. I hope you feel better soon

I think the only way you can do it differently is to ask him for his address at his "shared house" (bollocks btw, I suspect it is a fully functioning, exclusive use, shag pad), and if he wont give it, then yes serve at his workplace.

He isnt leaving you any choice is he?! As for him being emasculated, so the hell what?!

X post. No, I don't think softly softly is at all wise with an abuser. Clean break is safest.

Clean break. Otherwise you risk giving him many more opportunities to abuse you.

Shes not saying stay in the marriage Name but i think that is what she hopes you will do.

Agree.....clean break.

Your mum deffo has the "what will the neighbours think mentality" same as mine does. Except in this case replace neighbours with colleugues.

Thank you

It's made me feel nervous and panicky again - but I don't have any choice.

She meant if he feels emasculated/embarrassed or whatever that it would make him more angry and more vengeful.

Yes she really isn't helping is she!

At least I'm out tonight with my friend if I can just work out how to put one foot in front of the other - I'm honestly just floating about in a trance at the moment!

He's going to hit the roof wherever he's served so it doesn't make any difference whether it's work or his shag pad, except at the latter he may not get it.

Mediation, like counselling, is not advised where there's abuse.

She doesn't really get it does she?

She doesnt WANT to get it!

When will he get papers?

I'm thinking Tuesday or Wednesday Hansie

I think she thinks a court official is going to turn up at his work, announced by trumpets and H will be summoned to receive his divorce papers in front of the whole company.

As far as I was concerned it's just a courier.

Thank you everyone you've made me feel a lot better about it anyway. Yes it's harsh to get them at work but he hasn't given me any other choice.

People in work will only know if he tells them. Now he may choose to tell a few or it may be obvious to those who work closely with him as he will react. What they find out is up to him, he's not gonna pass the papers around so everyone can see what you've said that wouldn't do.

Don't worry about him or your mum. Just make sure you have your refuge place sorted before anything goes out. Have you packed what you need? All papers and clothes/comforters etc.

A man like him would rather cut his dick off and have it for lunch than tell anyone about a) the fact he has been served and b) why. He is all show, the very last thing he will want is people questioning why on earth his STBXW had to serve papers at work, that simply doesnt happen in "normal" divorces. As for you having to hide for your own safety, he is more likely to strip naked and lap dance his MD than tell anyone that.

He'll be able to tell everyone he's divorcing you, won't make any difference.

He can lie his head off as much as he wants, and he will.

Just be safe. Keep your children safe.

Are there things at the house that you will need. Make a list, if there are, so you can either pick them up quickly, or so that they can be picked up for you by a third party.

Thank you everyone - you have sorted my head out and so has my friend tonight - there just is no other way to do this and it is not my fault. I am going to ignore my parents from now on. If the mortgage doesn't get paid then it doesn't get paid - for too long I have been living under this financial control he wields. The house won't get repossessed because hopefully the court would step in and let me get it sold

I have mine and the kids passports, the marriage certificate is with the solicitor - what else will I need to take to the refuge? Clothes/toiletries obviously - kids toys? my iPad and stuff?. (planning on calling them Monday morning for a place).

Oh, the hamsters! Can I take them as well?

Yep, that stuff :) Copies of accounts might be useful, too, to reduce legal to-ing and fro-ing. Refuge places are in short supply; are they saving one for you? Might be best to check with them tomorrow.

I'm so proud of you

No pets! Sorry :( Does your friend like fluffy rodents that die unexpectedly??

Rent a small storage unit and move as many of your things and the children's things as you can into the storage unit, if you cannot take them to your parents. Remove all your own things especially all your valuables.

I did that, but as my ex was not away from home, I could not take as much as I wanted and of course I could not tell the children what was going to happen. When we came back into our home, my ex had removed every item that had any value, even my son's stamp album.

Are you trying to get an occupation order?

Can you find a pet boarding place for the pets? Take them early and say they had to be taken to the vet and he kept them in for observation.

Good idea to have him served at work, at least it will be easy for the serving agent to find him and he won't have to make several attempts while you are in suspense.

Could the pets stay with your parents for now? I understand from the WA site that some will accept small pets, but not all.

Here's a c&p from the same source, to help you think through what type of things to take (general guide):

Identification.
Birth certificates for you and your children.
School and medical records, including the telephone numbers of the school and your GP or surgery.
Money, bankbooks, cheque book and credit and debit cards.
Keys for your house, car, and workplace.
Driving licence (if you have one) and car registration documents, if applicable.
Prescribed medication, and vitamin supplements.
Cards or payment books for Child Benefit and any other welfare benefits you are entitled to.
Passports (including passports for all your children if you have them), visas and work permits.
Copies of documents relating to your housing tenure, (for example, mortgage details or lease and rental agreements).
Current unpaid bills.
Insurance documents.
Address book.
Family photographs, your diary, jewellery, small items of sentimental value.
Clothing and toiletries for you and your children.
Your children's favourite small toys.

www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100320003

Good to see the toadslayer on this thread ;) (discreet wave)

Thank you everyone thanks for that list wyrdy - Not sure if my parents would even help with the hamsters - I was woken up by my mother screaming at 4am because one of them had escaped again and got into her room haha! They're cute but a right pita - I've been looking at sancturys for them this morning or failing that keeping them in the (ventilated) car? I know that's utterly crazy but at least the kids could see them every day?

I haven't got a place booked anywhere yet - my plan for tomorrow is register temporarily at my mums GP to get 3 months of citalopram as I will run out tomorrow and that's making me feel panicky as it is! Get myself a pay as you go phone to put my essential numbers in so that I can switch mine off when the time comes - speak to my solicitor, ring round the refuges, hopefully get a place, drop in at my house to get things I need and then just go.

Yes I am going to go for a non molestation order I think Karen, thanks. But only if I'm deemed in immediate danger. I would still need the refuge until the dust settles.

Will i be able to access the internet do you think? Only because my solicitor emails me everything - if not I'd better go on Tuesday and just stay here another day because the solicitor will be sending me the petition to check again tomorrow and there may well be some toing and froing.

I hope today is a better day - felt very weird and not with it at all yesterday.

Aw sweetie, so many of us are right behind you, just a shame we can't carry some bags or store some stuff for you.

As soon as you have signed off the petition, go and give your solicitor the new number and tell her that you won't be getting emails now and will be in touch with a new gmail/hotmail account as soon as you have one. He will go into communication overdrive once it hits so I'd ditch the email account at the same time.

You feel weird because it is weird. It is not right that you ever have to do this, but it is the only way to keep you all safe. Clean sweep love, clean sweep.