How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

[thenamehaschanged]

H rents a room close to his work and comes back to the family home at the weekend (the family home is only 40 minutes max to his work by the way!)
He manages a department, has a lot of responsibility and pressure, has to give presentations daily which he says he hates and works often to about 7.30/8pm after an early start so I am in no way doubting he's busy and stressed at times. There is also a hell of a lot of socialising and boozing pretty much all week with trips to karaoke bars, top restaurants where he is simply the life and soul.
What I get coming through the door at the weekend though is a moody, sullen, withdrawn shell of a man who when asked if ok either doesn't respond or looks at you with mild scorn. He is so resentful, jealous even, that he has to work - and hates me for being more at home with the kids which is where he wants to be. you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Needless to say I can't wait for him to just fuck off back out the door again Monday morning!
He is controlling and abusive and I am going to see a solicitor next week - I have tried to end the marriage many times but his grip just gets tighter. The last occasion was this week, I snapped (again) told him it was over and that I am seeing a solicitor - I won't go on too long about it all but his continual defence of how horrible he is is that (after he's told me that I'm just as abusive which I really really am not) he's stressed, under pressure and doesn't want to be doing this job even though it pays well and comes with lots of perks. It's a job he trained specifically to do, he did leave it for 8 years as there were elements he didn't like, to build his own business which failed (he was an arse then as well) there's no other job he will entertain doing and so he's back doing his old job.
And I am embarrassed to say that here I am totally lobotomised and spaghetti headed, still in the marriage, agreeing to counselling :( which I really don't want to do) and thinking does he have a point. I wouldn't like to have to give loads of presentations for instance.

Unbelievable. Keep posting here.

this thread has completely and utterly changed my life.

I'm know I'm hogging it a bit over here on the relationships board at the moment but there are veils dropping all over the place for me at the moment.

I've been reading Op. Go you! Do your parents have to know your location? Because they could be the weakest link in the chain. Your stbxh will try to emotionally blackmail them and they might crack and tell him...

Don't worry about any "hogging" - you have a whole tier of cheerleaders behind you here.

Hopefully your parents will be easier to deal with once you no longer live with them. You can control what information you divulge to them about the ongoing divorce (hint: none!).

The sooner you get away on your own, the more you'll have space to breathe. Even a refuge has to be tons less stressful than walking on eggshells in your folks house.

Good God, is everyone trying to control what comes out of your mouth???! Get away and make your own little kingdom - where you are Queen and can say what you want!

By the way, you are brilliant. Keep telling yourself in the darkest moments that you're doing this for your girls

Am I right that your parents didn't expect you wanting to leave your H?
Let them get their head round it. It must be big shock.
When they see you've made up your mind and not going back they will support you.
I think I would also let them read your account of his behaviour and the letters you are sending him. In case he calls so they know where you are coming from.

Thank you Scarlet

Anti they know everything, they know he's abusive - actually my mum has now asked what's going on with the solicitor to which my dad made a kind of ho hum all she wants is your money quip...

I get that they are stressed - they are being delayed so much that they might lose their mortgage offer - I get it, I don't want that for them. They haven't been lucky with house moves.

Annarose thank you- it certainly seems like that at the moment! X

Keep facing forward, and post here as much as you want to, thename. It's your thread, you're not hogging, and you do have MN cheerleaders cheering you on (and offering a parachute if/when that feels more apt :-))

You are coping brilliantly in the most adverse of circumstances. Keep going.

Name, try not to worry too much about your parents...one thing at a time, one step at a time. And definitely don't worry about hogging this board....you have all of us rooting for you and just willing you strength and determination until you are happy once again.

antimatter i wouldnt be so sure about that Name your dad sounds like mine too. He tells me "its not to be talked about anymore" when i stand up to my mothers abbhorent views. (because of the mysogyny due to culture/religion she is an apologist Last month i had to listen to her saying that Vanessa was just as bad as Rolf Harris) e

emotional abusers......check
enablers...................check.

Name a lot of parents still see their adult children as property Especially daughters.

Keep posting here and we are all rooting for you

if they won't support OP at least they will know what's going on

Well done for getting this far and still being sane! Just keep going one step at a time. I wouldn't rely on your parents providing support - where are your friends based?

Good heavens, Name, you are so used to being bottom of the pile to all the people who should be putting you first, that you worry about hogging your own thread. This thread is yours. It is here because you put it here, it is by you and for you, no one else comes first, only you. Without you, we'd be somewhere else! We're here for you. You. And I bet there are a load of lurkers here for you too.

Refuge. Learn how to be first! You are important, Name.

I've only just read this thread. You are amazing.

Probably not relevant anymore but surely him being nice on the phone is because he's putting on a show for people to overhear in the office so they'll find it hard to believe he's abusive?

Good luck on Monday. It is wonderful to see how quickly you are reclaiming your life.

You rock Thename Get slitty eyed and shirty. You are doing great!

We're here for you. You. And I bet there are a load of lurkers here for you too.

Lurker signing in

Hang in there, Name. One foot in front of the other, step by step.

Another lurker just popping by to say ... You are bloody amazing! Hope all goes well.

Love you all

Get slitty eyed and shirty - love it haha!!

I have decided not to move anywhere near my parents when I relocate. I'm fairly sure it is love between us but it is a weird love, it does me no real favours and I do not want to be their possession - I love the girls' primary school so I think I'm going to try and remain a commutable distance from it so that they won't feel too wrenched.

Love that he hasn't contacted me at all - he may very well have been out shagging all week, I don't care - I'm out tonight with a really good, lovely friend.

Am actually feeling genuinely good so far today

Phew, glad to hear you're feeling a bit more upbeat

You're bound to wildly swing about emotionally - I did. I absolutely get your resolve, snap to that too. I had previously stayed for the kids but when the time came, everything just lined up with absolute clarity, and I left for the kids but definitely, and crucially, I left for ME. It was survival and I hunkered down to save MYSELF

Thank you Daffs you've coined it there - things have lined up and I have clarity now. I have taken so much shit off that man - I should have gone much sooner than this but for one reason or another.

I am very lucky that I have become certain of my feelings now. Very very lucky that the fog has finally cleared. My rings are off now and will never go back on!

Brava, thename, Brava!

Terrible PC/tablet probs and could've worded that better, above, but had to post as it was. Glad you got the gist.

It was primal come the end, I had to save my life and, by extension, my kids' lives. You do feel amazement that you didn't do it before but that's part of the fog, as you say, the reason it took so long. They get you in a major funk and you live like it for years. It gave me a real shot in the arm, a satisfying boost of confidence, that I could save myself/us when it really came down to it - the survival instinct is impressively strong.

Thank you Daffs

I'm starting to feel better again now after crashing a bit around lunchtime - I just wanted to go to bed and felt very odd - sort of space cadet ish.

I feel like I need a huge cry. H called earlier with his usual phone voice, happy and caring. Wanting to see us.

Now my mum has said she thinks getting him served at work is the worst thing I can do - he will be emasculated in front of his colleagues and will probably think, right bitch you've got a fight on your hands. He won't get money so the house will be repossessed etc She wants me to see if there's another way of doing it? I said he's going to kick off whichever way it's done - where else can I send the papers, the pub?

Why does your mum care whether he's emasculated? What a strange thing to think/say. That's to do with her projecting her feelings on to him, I get the impression it's all about show for your mum and dad and they aren't taking this seriously despite appearing to support you. I think you're right in saying you need to relocate without including them on your plans.