How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

[thenamehaschanged]

H rents a room close to his work and comes back to the family home at the weekend (the family home is only 40 minutes max to his work by the way!)
He manages a department, has a lot of responsibility and pressure, has to give presentations daily which he says he hates and works often to about 7.30/8pm after an early start so I am in no way doubting he's busy and stressed at times. There is also a hell of a lot of socialising and boozing pretty much all week with trips to karaoke bars, top restaurants where he is simply the life and soul.
What I get coming through the door at the weekend though is a moody, sullen, withdrawn shell of a man who when asked if ok either doesn't respond or looks at you with mild scorn. He is so resentful, jealous even, that he has to work - and hates me for being more at home with the kids which is where he wants to be. you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Needless to say I can't wait for him to just fuck off back out the door again Monday morning!
He is controlling and abusive and I am going to see a solicitor next week - I have tried to end the marriage many times but his grip just gets tighter. The last occasion was this week, I snapped (again) told him it was over and that I am seeing a solicitor - I won't go on too long about it all but his continual defence of how horrible he is is that (after he's told me that I'm just as abusive which I really really am not) he's stressed, under pressure and doesn't want to be doing this job even though it pays well and comes with lots of perks. It's a job he trained specifically to do, he did leave it for 8 years as there were elements he didn't like, to build his own business which failed (he was an arse then as well) there's no other job he will entertain doing and so he's back doing his old job.
And I am embarrassed to say that here I am totally lobotomised and spaghetti headed, still in the marriage, agreeing to counselling :( which I really don't want to do) and thinking does he have a point. I wouldn't like to have to give loads of presentations for instance.

Crossed posts again Darkest xx

Mind, it may be the drink talking. And what a dead, useless voice it has

Sorry darkest - re read what you were saying there - your mum sounds absolutely unhinged like mine is! I'm not sure what to blame where and who is responsible for what - all I care about is my peace of mind now - watching her sob for a good two hours tonight has kind of woken me up again - I love my parents but they are nutters!!! And would happily see me back with an abusive ex than face their own weird responsibility!

Yep totally agree Daffs x

name It sounds like seeing your parents manipulation tonight has rubber stamped your resolve.

You are strong and a great mother name x

Oh gosh, Name! Browbeaten by the men and guilt tripped by your mum. Excellent decision to take the refuge, and just as well really that your parents can't move imminently. This may be thoroughly wrong, but would you even have been able to trust them to ignore any calls they got from h asking after your whereabouts?

Roll on Monday and a safe place for you and your lovely children

Wow, just stayed up half the night reading your post and being amazed and so proud for all you've achieved, to grow up with abuse around and years inabushve marriage and STILL find the strength, the courage, the pure bloody brilliance to see it all for what it is and work to get out and away from it all... Well I've tears running in my awe of you.

Def agree with others, get to the refuge soon as you can, and don't tell your parents where it is (don't think you're meant to anyway), but I wouldn't trust your parents to keep that info from your stbx from what you've said about them. Damn it, I'd come pick you up and drive you there myself if you needed it, you have my total admiration for what you've done and what you're doing, and for ensuring you give your girls the best chance to get out if the history if abuse that's been hanging over their future. You go girl!

Wow, just stayed up half the night reading your post and being amazed and so proud for all you've achieved, to grow up with abuse around and years inabushve marriage and STILL find the strength, the courage, the pure bloody brilliance to see it all for what it is and work to get out and away from it all... Well I've tears running in my awe of you.

Def agree with others, get to the refuge soon as you can, and don't tell your parents where it is (don't think you're meant to anyway), but I wouldn't trust your parents to keep that info from your stbx from what you've said about them. Damn it, I'd come pick you up and drive you there myself if you needed it, you have my total admiration for what you've done and what you're doing, and for ensuring you give your girls the best chance to get out if the history if abuse that's been hanging over their future. You go girl!

(Sorry, silly phone posting things twice!)

I posted a couple of times early on in your thread then lost track of it. Have just found it and caught up.

The more you write about him the more it becomes apparent he sees you and your DCs as extras in his one man show. Don't be dissuaded by your parents' apathy. It is your life and your parents should be looking at your future and that of their GDCs. Claiming that the situation places intolerable stress on them rather dodges the fact that you are enduring a major but necessary upheaval yourself. They'll cope. If you get any sense H is harassing them call the police.

You are doing so well, a posse of good friends is such a support especially when you're an only child. Someone upthread alluded to a MN parachute, the MNers who have been contributing and those lurking are all willing you on.

Keep going, a new life is around the corner. Echoing another MNer, you're worth it.

Gosh thank you Adara and everyone, thanks Donkey - I don't know what's happened to me - really - I have never been this determined and focused about anything in my life before. I think this is what a friend meant once when she ended her marriage and said 'self preservation just kicks in'

I have always had issues with my mum and dad but have always thought we were close - my dad managed to turn things round last night and fix things but my mum was just weird - drunkenly sobbing about the stigma of refuges and repeating herself over and over that it wasn't their fault that their house move had been delayed - she also made a joke that when they move I won't know their address either - I really went for her though, she just made my blood boil - I was like "I don't want to bloody live with you, I am going to do this myself'

It's me that's in a crisis, not her! It is not a crisis for a house move to be delayed but it is a crisis when you're moving into a refuge to escape a dangerous partner - Jesus!!

It is all of you amazing ladies at MN that have opened my eyes though - I can't thank you all enough for taking the time to post advice and to link articles - you have been my lifeline my dad last night was like 'stop quoting all that self help crap, what the hell have you been reading!' Although he totally got it about the refuge idea in the end and was supportive of it.

Anyway - I've just been writing my specific examples of unreasonable behaviour over the last 6 months for the solicitor and have tweaked the statement of case bit as I can see he'll take offence at a couple of things. I hope there's enough there!

Hq and I think someone else mentioned trusting my parents - I don't 100% know but I should think that my mother will happily ignore him and my dad will probably speak to him but in a practical, non emotional way and I doubt very much will give away my location.

Honestly, as nuts as they are I really don't think they would give in to him.

!

"as I can see he'll take offence at a couple of things"

If they are true, and he did them, then heis taking offence at himself!

Don't edit it. Put more, not less. Let him take offence...how much has he offended you? This is likely to be the last time you speak of it, of him as that is what the 100% Radio Silence is about too, so give a full accounting...
even the little things (from my experience many years ago but won't be forgotten-I was berated for the way I broke ice out of an ice tray).

Overwhelm the document. Overwhelm him. Now is not the time to spare him. If it is too much, your solicitor may make a suggestion...wait for that guidance. Until then, no holds barred. This is the function of the refuge: so you don't have to walk on eggshells getting away from him.

But I know it isn't a perfect world...just feeling the for you.

Tell it like it is. The whole story. As long as it's the truth, then write it down. If he 'takes offence' then tough shit.

He's likely going to be coming back at you with some accusations and examples of his own - and from what you've told us about him, I don't think he's going to be too much concerned with the truth either.

I'm feeling really anxious and nervy again. The DD's are out for a picnic with my parents and I'm just pacing about in here.

Thank you for all your points there, you're all right I need to not edit anything - it all sounds really bad anyway but Christ it's going to be horrible when I get his back with all his accusations - he can't actually stop the divorce though can he - it will just be some mud slinging won't it.

I didn't realise there was an exact science to getting ice cubes out of an ice tray Band!

He might 'take offence' at a whole bunch of stuff. Please don't minimise or gloss over.

Oops x post. Just tell the truth. He may invent all sorts, he will put himself in as best light as possible. We believe you, why wouldn't others

Agree with previous posters Dont edit it to spare his feelings. He certainly has never spared yours.
And he will probably try a bit of fabrication on his documents. Whereas yours will be telling the truth. x

Name,

From everything you've told us about this man - to use the old cliche, you need to 'go for the jugular' because he is sure as hell going to be going for yours.

He is going to be apoplectic when he gets that petition and he's going to be coming back at you with all he can muster. He thinks he's right, stronger, better, cleverer .. than you on every level and he is going to hate that you have outwitted him.

As I wrote in an earlier post - you have the measure of this man. You are more than a match for him - he just doesn't know it yet. We can see it .. it comes through in every word you write, and it's that side of you that you have to show, as you go through this process.

Feeling anxious and nervy is natural - but don't let him or anyone other than those you know you can trust implicitly, see that. Breathe deeply, focus, remind yourself what a controlling bastard this man is.

You've known all along it's not going to be pretty .. but don't let that deter you. Write it down - all of it, don't edit anything out of consideration of his feelings, but I can promise you this, he won't be considering yours.

Fontella is right. He is going to be losing his status and image as Happily Married Family Man and hes going to hate it.

No doubt he'll stll blame you, and be all 'poor me'.

Not your problem anymore.

Thank you everyone

I actually feel sick. I've emailed the solicitor again with loads more! She's going to think 'what the bloody hell was she doing there!!' Which is good i suppose!

God definitely feeling like I could puke

There is no going back though.

Try putting your hand on your tummy for comfort, maybe with a cushion, and take some long sloooow breaths x

Thank you FB - I feel a bit better now - my parents are back. My situation is not to be talked about anymore my Dad has told me. Too much for my mother apparently what with all the stress she is under.

I had living close to them for 'support' as part of my relocation plan - but I'm not so sure anymore