How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

[thenamehaschanged]

H rents a room close to his work and comes back to the family home at the weekend (the family home is only 40 minutes max to his work by the way!)
He manages a department, has a lot of responsibility and pressure, has to give presentations daily which he says he hates and works often to about 7.30/8pm after an early start so I am in no way doubting he's busy and stressed at times. There is also a hell of a lot of socialising and boozing pretty much all week with trips to karaoke bars, top restaurants where he is simply the life and soul.
What I get coming through the door at the weekend though is a moody, sullen, withdrawn shell of a man who when asked if ok either doesn't respond or looks at you with mild scorn. He is so resentful, jealous even, that he has to work - and hates me for being more at home with the kids which is where he wants to be. you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Needless to say I can't wait for him to just fuck off back out the door again Monday morning!
He is controlling and abusive and I am going to see a solicitor next week - I have tried to end the marriage many times but his grip just gets tighter. The last occasion was this week, I snapped (again) told him it was over and that I am seeing a solicitor - I won't go on too long about it all but his continual defence of how horrible he is is that (after he's told me that I'm just as abusive which I really really am not) he's stressed, under pressure and doesn't want to be doing this job even though it pays well and comes with lots of perks. It's a job he trained specifically to do, he did leave it for 8 years as there were elements he didn't like, to build his own business which failed (he was an arse then as well) there's no other job he will entertain doing and so he's back doing his old job.
And I am embarrassed to say that here I am totally lobotomised and spaghetti headed, still in the marriage, agreeing to counselling :( which I really don't want to do) and thinking does he have a point. I wouldn't like to have to give loads of presentations for instance.

Oh yikes name, I can't believe that your folks said that you were 'abusing' your children by moving them around. As the others have rightly said (and I obviously was being too charitable about their intentions), maybe your parents aren't the best folk for support right now. You need people around who will give you strength rather than question you about your decisions or pick holes in your argument.

It's bloody tough but my suggestion would be that every time he/they fire a question your way, you just repeat yourself 'I'm left with no choice. If I stay, my life is intolerable and this is not a life I want for my daughters'. If he chooses to continue arguing, maybe explain that this isn't helping you right now. You appreciate his concern for you and your girls, but right now, you really need support, love and comfort, not the third degree.

You are doing so brilliantly. Keep that focus and keep your eyes on the prize. Do you have other friends or family in RL that can help and support you, and give you the reassurance and comfort you need?

You've been browbeaten by your h for long enough. You've been browbeaten by your dad for long enough.

How is your mum in all this?

Refuge sounds like a better bet atm. They have people there to support you, advise you, help you. They don't browbeat you, or coerce, or guilt trip, or demand.

Mum is definitely on my side - and he is too in his own way but he always has to be critical and bad tempered about everything, that's his way unfortunately.

when I said yesterday that I wanted to stay the weekend she flipped out and so did he - because of all the stress they've got with the house move- things are fine now though, haven't talked about it as they're out and I haven't seen them today, but I know when they come back they'll probably be fine.

But yes it's shit - I would never be like that if it was one of my children. They are everything to me and that is why I'm trying to split from their Dad...and won't be trawling any new men through their lives either!

No other family particularly (I'm an only child) but I do have some really good friends who are all on my side thankfully

I know HQ - I'm really really thinking it's a refuge next week - I just can't go back to the house - I would feel like a sitting duck - I can't live there pretending which is what my dad thinks I should do - that key will definitely be going in the door at night because he can sense things are up (shudder)

It sounds like you have an awareness about your father's behavior and you do not take it personally, or become emotionally flooded by it. Well done! By getting to that point, imho, you are light years further down this road than you think you are. The same attitude can be applied to your h.

I am in agreement with HQ and Bland regarding the refuge. I do not know if it would be possible to trust your father on the 100% Radio Silence necessity. He may be trying to foil your divorce because his own wife could become inspired and do the same!

Also, the refuge will be an avenue of independent action for you. Doing it on your own will magnify your feelings of empowerment, self-reliance and self-esteem as well as demonstrate to your dds how to do it if they should need to later.

Fontella Your strength is inspiring and I especially like the fact you dumped the "friend" that would not respect your boundaries.

I imagine the idea of a refuge would be a bit daunting, as you have two comfortable houses 'available' to you. Very important to remember, I think, that WA have said you qualify for a refuge place - proof, if any were needed, that the bricks & furnishings may be comfortable but the psychological environment is dangerous.

Although there might be some 'upset' people at a refuge, the whole purpose of the project is to ground residents in a safe, pragmatically caring and emotionally stable environment. I agree it could be the very best thing for you and your children right now.

Also, the refuge will be an avenue of independent action for you - Yes, what a great way to put it!

That's a really good point about feeling independent Band I know my parents aren't the best in the world and actually are pretty toxic and yet I have always turned to them because I don't have any other family - so moving on myself without them will be a huge step for me - moving away from all the control his and theirs.

I just spoke to the freedom programme lady and she was really understanding when I said I was going to go into a refuge - I have no other choice. She agreed it's all going to hit the fan.

My parents will be fearful that he will turn up here and intimidate them but I'm wondering if I get a non molestation order will that mean he can't harass them as well?

Cross posts Garlic

Best wishes for you thename. I hope you will be able to access MN while you are there, but if you can't post for awhile, for whatever reason (going off grid can be a security measure too), know I (and a lot of others) are thinking, praying, holding your hand and rooting for you and your daughters.

You are doing a great job. And, imho, you have 100,000% metaphysical certitude that you are doing the right thing! and for your dds too

Oh, and thanks Garlic

Your dad said that you should be done for child abuse for trying to extricate your DC from an abusive situation. Sorry name but he IS an abusive dick.

You are doing brilliantly name

"He balked when I explained what no contact means, pulled a face when I said H was not to be pre warned about the divorce - 'what's he meant to say when he gets a text from H asking for their new address?'"

That's the sort of thing I was worried about.

He's meant to ignore the text, hang up on any phone call, not give the new address to the occupants of the old house (Royal Mail can sort redirection) etc. Instead he's worried about how he might look.

We are all routing for you Name please keep us all in the loop

I'm speechless at your Dad's responses. I really don't know what to say.

And suggesting a couple of moves for two very young daughters is some form of abuse....well, no wonder you worried about it, with that kind of potential response in the background. Their father abusing their mother, and getting into fights with strangers, is presumably everyday life in his world. But moving the children to safety - shock, horror, how can you do it! etc.

That's so far from sensible and reasonable thinking, that there's nothing you can say to it, is there.

I hope you are able to take up the refuge place, thename.

Hi Name, I've been following your thread and really think refuge is the right and safest choice for you right now. (I used to work for WA btw). It is a big step but you will be safe there. Honestly wishing you and your girls all the luck in the world, you are doing so well.

Thank you thank you everyone just wish I could give you all a big hug!! Of course I will stay in touch

I'm over at a friends now - going out with another friend tomorrow - the solicitor sent me the draft petition today which I need to add more to about his behaviour specifically over the last 6 months. She put the spit in the face and maniac driving, living apart from us etc but now needs specifics so I will get on with that tomorrow.

now though!!

Thank you Larry that's very reassuring coming from a previous WA worker

Agreed wyrdy! They're all nuts - everyone in my life at the moment just mad!! Dad being totally fine with me today though but that's because he thinks I'm putting it off for a while - although they now probably won't be moving until September so there's no way I can wait til then - H would be back in the house by then and I'd be right back under full control.

Blimey definitely go to a refuge that way your parents CAN'T tell the STBXH where you are.

Refuge refuge refuge xx

Yep Refuge Sorry but it sounds to me like your dad is one of those men who thinks women are/should be mens property.

The refuge is the safest place.

Yes I'm planning on moving in on Monday after spending the weekend here. And I'm and actually looking forward to it!

Don't know if it's more my mum than my dad - she has turned this all around to be about her - Dad sees the refuge logic and thinks it's a good idea - she's been mental tonight though, (though she is completely pissed) sobbing at the thought of my me and my DD's in a refuge, sobbing at the fact their house move has been delayed and we could have stayed there instead. Sobbing whilst making me feel guilty/awkward/responsible

They are now fighting. It's just awful - a refuge is a sanctuary and I can't wait!

Depressing isn't it in a way when you realise will never actually be there for you!!!

Sorry I am projecting too much from my own situation. Sooner you are away from all of them the better x

name my DM is EXACTLY like this but without the drinking. My DH hasnt touched me for many years and when she found out i was having an affair after 7 years of no affection she cried and crawled on the floor and thumped the arm of the armchair begging me to stay with my dh cos "what will other people think"

Its crocodile tears Name Its part of the emotional abuse. And it is emotional abuse what your DM is doing.

You will be much safer and better off in the refuge. Im so sorry that your parents are making it worse for you

I know Random. I'm dumbfounded actually. It doesn't matter what's going on in my life - if a friend or loved one is in emotional crisis then I'm there - it's not difficult - I don't think 'hold on, I see you're upset...but what about me me me'?