How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

[thenamehaschanged]

H rents a room close to his work and comes back to the family home at the weekend (the family home is only 40 minutes max to his work by the way!)
He manages a department, has a lot of responsibility and pressure, has to give presentations daily which he says he hates and works often to about 7.30/8pm after an early start so I am in no way doubting he's busy and stressed at times. There is also a hell of a lot of socialising and boozing pretty much all week with trips to karaoke bars, top restaurants where he is simply the life and soul.
What I get coming through the door at the weekend though is a moody, sullen, withdrawn shell of a man who when asked if ok either doesn't respond or looks at you with mild scorn. He is so resentful, jealous even, that he has to work - and hates me for being more at home with the kids which is where he wants to be. you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Needless to say I can't wait for him to just fuck off back out the door again Monday morning!
He is controlling and abusive and I am going to see a solicitor next week - I have tried to end the marriage many times but his grip just gets tighter. The last occasion was this week, I snapped (again) told him it was over and that I am seeing a solicitor - I won't go on too long about it all but his continual defence of how horrible he is is that (after he's told me that I'm just as abusive which I really really am not) he's stressed, under pressure and doesn't want to be doing this job even though it pays well and comes with lots of perks. It's a job he trained specifically to do, he did leave it for 8 years as there were elements he didn't like, to build his own business which failed (he was an arse then as well) there's no other job he will entertain doing and so he's back doing his old job.
And I am embarrassed to say that here I am totally lobotomised and spaghetti headed, still in the marriage, agreeing to counselling :( which I really don't want to do) and thinking does he have a point. I wouldn't like to have to give loads of presentations for instance.

He's told me that all his mates have shagged prostitutes at one time but not him, that is so not him, he is morally above all of that and he told me that he got very upset at a situation before we met actually where one of his mates shagged a prostitute in H's flat when they were all young.

I bet you all the tea in China he has too, he is without morality.

You are doing so, so well. You'll be away from him so soon now and then you can begin to live your life and the struggle you're facing now will have been worth every second.

Hi thename
Imho, at this point, when you said last weekend when you felt he has sussed that something is up, I think you can presume any suggestions that originate from his speaking orifice are elements of playing you. These suggestions may as well project from his anal orifice because it is just him shitting on you again. Don't believe him. I know it is hard, but from what you have posted, I really do not think there is a sincere molecule in his whole being.

If he did move back for the happy family script, how long do you think it would last (not counting that you are already beyond it 100% at this point)? 36 hours? Three weeks, tops? It just isn't possible, not even on paper.

I also agree with the pps regarding his comments about his moral superiority concerning shagging prostitutes. If he was that moral, he would not know anyone who behaved that way. Me thinks he protests too much.

I knew what you meant earlier about the good idea.

Regarding depression: I also agree with pps who say you will experience a true renaissance of spirit when you are rid of him. As is clear from Robin Williams' passing-depression can be a fatal illness. If you have serious setbacks of resolve, and all other strategies fail, let this one point inspire you to persevere...for your dds if not yourself.

Maybe he thinks you are beginning to get above yourself - he wants to move back in to wear you down just a little bit more until his workload gets so unmanageable that he needs to move out

That or the OW has dumped him so he thinks he might like to 'do you' for a bit until the next one crops up.

All this posturing over infidelity and prostitutes is merely that - posturing. I think many people will agree that those who protest loudest.....

I know my ex did. He was actually working for a madam collecting money from many prositutes flats, being her dirty little gofer, AND shagging another hooker at the time. While I was at home with a newborn, having been moved a long way away, so that he had to keep going back up to London and staying there....

OP are you certain sure he doesn't have access to your emails? He is a spectacular turd remember? Change passwords ASAP. It seems strange that suddenly he is changing his habits and wanting to come home? Is he onto you and has made the controlled decision to not get angry but to avert what may be a disaster for him as he can't carry on in his selfish pitiful ways? I was in a relationship with a control freak but I knew it and thought I was handling it but one day I found a piece of paper that he had written on in a diary form and I became aware that he was manipulating me in ways I had not realised and I left PDQ after that discovery I can tell you.

I think you are doing great BTW. Focus on a git free future where him and his moods have no influence on your life at all.

How long has he rented this other place?

Not sure on the logistics; but to my mind he moved out when he got that place.

He has been in there since March this year - before that he used to sometimes kip in the office of his old job all because he couldn't bare the journey which was 2 hours door to door. That bit was true because he used to phone me all the time at night, he would watch films, send me pictures of his make shift bed. The company didn't know he was doing that as it would have looked weird.

When he went back to his old job which has much longer hours anyway, he decided to get the room because there was no way he could do the 2 hour journey to and from work if he was sometimes finishing at midnight and had to be in at 8 the next day, which is totally plausible as I know those working hours to be true too.

We relocated in the May half term and that's when he should have moved back.

A friends young brother is coming to London to study and H being all lovely and kind has offered him the room, that's why he wants to move back. Also he said not just because of that but he really should move back anyway because the rent money he's spending could be put to good use in the house.

So all very plausible! The fact is now though that he doesn't call at night like he used to, he goes 2/3 days without calling, he is spending thousands on boozing, he kept it on there when we moved, he's known I don't want him back but has offered it to the friend now so almost forcing my hand. He cannot move back in with me though - I will honestly die! It wouldn't last 24 hours as band says.

Dinnae he defo doesn't have my passwords I have changed them all!

Possibly nettle, god your ex sounds bloody awful too!

So I'm not sure about an OW per se but he's back in with a pretty hedonistic crowd now and the opportunity will have presented itself a few times probably and as we don't ever have sex he will most probably have been taking up offers or offering himself.

He thrives on attention. He really needed mine in his old job as he wasn't getting much there so would phone me ALL the time (obviously when home in person at the weekend he would be his horrible abusive self) but now he's getting lots of attention from elsewhere or rather he's very busy - he doesn't call at all now

Then be prepared for him to pull out all the stops when the news hits - from nice to nasty: he will display the entire spectrum, probably, in technicolour [gruesome]

He does sound truly awful.

I know it's really not going to be pretty is it? I just keep telling myself that 'mr nice guy' on the phone isn't the real him and to not have any conscience about this - he's probably going to call me
A cold hearted bitch
An alcoholic
An unfit mother
Mental
Unsupportive, selfish wife

But if I was all of those things, then why has he left his precious children in my full time care their entire lives and to not even live with us?
And it is actually him who is all of those things but in the male form obviously.

I've got on to a freedom programme though, starting in September so that's good! My parents have taken the kids out for the day so I'm going to call my local WA and let them know what is happening.

Let him call you whatever the hell he likes! An insult off this arsehole is a compliment!

No it isn't going to be pretty, but going complete NC definitely makes the process a lot easier. I did exactly that and not directly spoken a single word to my ex since the day I kicked him out over a decade ago. I cut off all communication - changed my mobile number, changed the house phone number, changed my email address (although we did have some brief communication via email later on, a hell of a lot of them also ended up going straight to trash unread), told friends, neighbours and acquaintances that I had no interest in anything he had to say and if they tried to pass on messages or intervene in any way, that would be the end of our friendship. Most people could tell I wasn't shitting and they complied. A package arrived addressed to me - his handwriting - I could feel it had a 'letter/card and a CD inside' - I chucked it straight in the bin unopened. I never let anything get through. I built up an impregnable wall because I knew it was the only way I would ever get free of him.

What was said about me elsewhere, I have no idea and don't care. If they thought I was a hard-hearted bitch, I don't care about that either. I was the one who had to live with the controlling fucker, not them. By going complete NC I never got to hear any of that.

Anyone who tried to tell me what he was up to after we split got short shrift, how much he missed me, how unreasonable I was being. I ended the conversation abruptly with 'I'm not interested' and in some cases ended the friendship/acquaintanceship. One 'friend' despite me telling her repeatedly that I didn't want to hear it, kept trying to tell me about my ex's 'new girlfriend' and in the end I told her to fuck off out of my house, and I haven't seen or spoken to her for almost 10 years either. Sounds drastic I know but I knew this was the only way I was going to get completely free of the controlling manipulative bastard and it worked.

Admittedly, my circumstances were different in that I chose not to fight him legally even though we had a business together. We weren't married so no divorce to negotiate, and it would have been a long, convoluted and difficult fight for a financial settlement, so I cut my losses and walked away with nothing, I was that grateful to be free of the bastard. A mistake in hindsight as financially it has been very difficult and I would advise anyone to fight for what they are due.

But it terms of negotiating the split. I know it sounds cliched but you need to build a wall up around yourself and inside the wall are you, your kids, your 'supporters' (for want of a better word). And outside that wall is the ex and his 'supporters/sympathisers'. Don't allow anyone to breach that wall - friends, family, acquaintances going back and forth, and if anyone tries it, block it immediately. Don't let him get to you, directly, or via third parties. Let all communication be via your solicitor - sounds like you've got a good one.

Yep he absolutely projects everything onto you. Recognise it. Label it. Remember it.

Yay that you are on the freedom programme next month.

Even if he doesn't sleep with prostitutes, sounds like he wants a medal for what most would see as basic decent behaviour. Does he also go on about his he doesn't shoplift, or ring old people's doorbells and run away?

Sleeping in the office when getting caught could lead to repercussions is very strange behaviour, by the way.

Bugger just lost a whole reply I had typed.

Thank you for putting all that down Fontella, totally get it - it's harsh but totally necessary - I have tried to cut him out of my life many times and without legal support, no contact is absolutely impossible and you're right of course it extends to friends and family as well.

Thanks bland - yes it is very strange behaviour, I haven't been able to relate to him for years actually - he's mad.

Well I've phoned WA and I would definitely qualify for a refuge place which is good.

When I spoke to the solicitor she spoke about applying for a non mol order as well as I said I was thinking of going to a refuge.

My fears are:
Timing it so that my parents will have moved - not so much that I can stay with them instead, but more that he won't be able to turn up at their house and harass them. They will also be under strict instruction not to answer their mobiles if he calls.....but then I can't delay it either - it has to be as soon as possible - the weekend is looming again and I can't be at the house.
That the mortgage won't get paid because he will refuse to sort out his salary and everything will fall apart. If he doesn't get paid how will I keep paying the solicitor.
I'm panicking again! I'll have to start deep breathing!

Deep breathe, count to ten and think of your next steps, thename. Remember, you can only plan for your own actions, not his, and if he chooses to do things or not do them as the case may be, this is out of your control. If you're worried about your solicitor, talk to her. She knows what he's like now, and I'm sure this won't be the first situation like this she's come across.

I've read your thread all the way through and my God, I'm rooting for you. He sounds an unstable, unpredictable man and you and your children are absolutely better off securing a future where he is a small part, not like a time bomb just waiting to be let off.

You, my love, on the other hand, sound like you're made of bloomin' strong stuff. You sound incredible, and don't let him grind that down or make you doubt yourself for a moment with infantile name calling or psychological mind games. Stay true to what you want out of life and you can't go far wrong. Cheering you on from afar...

Name ....Christ hes a HUGE narcissist. Breathe deeply and stay in contact with WA should you need to

Fontella thats a fab post and im glad you got out Too many times women are expected and pressured to stay with abusers and then guilt tripped when they dont and in a lot of cases these attitudes come from the womens OWN family and friends.

In 2014 we still have a long way to go

Thank you Ears I will, I'll mention it to the solicitor then. I don't know if I'm more on autopilot than being made of strong stuff. I can tell you that I have wanted to leave him for years - but you KNOW when it's over and for me it was realising that there were no good times - it's all bad.

I have felt very different this time. Darkest yes he is a total narcissist isn't he? I always thought it was a bit of a buzzword on here but when I looked into it, especially melanie tonia Evans - I was literally omg it's him - he is a carefully constructed image - that's all - behind the image he is a hateful, horrible, dead inside freak.

God I hope I get away as successfully as Fontella!

If you've been offered a refuge place, could you arrange to take it up ASAP, regardless of all other factors?

Your parents can and must call police if he harasses them, wherever they are at the time. If you think that he's likely to do that, call police on 101 for advice. Call them anyway if you need their advice - they're very good, as a rule.

Don't delay action in hope of an ideal moment, as you never know when your H will have a sudden change of plan anyway (he seems very prone to that).

If you can't pay the solicitor, can you get a loan from your family or elsewhere, even temporarily? Your main goal is to separate safely, not end the marriage in a legal sense. That part can wait, if funds run out.

Hi Name

What it's will drive you mad

Only try to deal with what you know right now this instant. Trying to second guess his reaction is futile, the chances are he knows already and is trying to second guess you.

Do it one step at a time, don't try and run with this, plan it, do it and then stick to it. Where he is concerned you must act like you have blinkers on, don't engage don't argue don't get involved with any dialogue at any point.

Because you are a good and decent fair playing person he will play on that.

Do not take his niceness as help for you, see it as a tactic to slow you down and control you, don't let his demands for the children sway you in anyway. Deal only through solicitors, and keep an eye out for any scrap of info that you can squirrel away for future use.

I've said before nothing about his story rings true I have no idea how he has been able to function in a job related way with how blaze he is about paperwork and bills expenses.

I praise you for how far you have come, and now it must feel like your jumping off the cliff, just remember there's a fuck off mumsnet parachute just above your head, you are one of many that's done this including me, and you will come back here and tell your story for others who need to get out.

Chin up shoulders back and tits out

Hi thenameischanged, I haven't read your thread before because I just knew it would be about an abusive, financially controlling husband, who works away and treats his wife like shit.

And it is not because the story is boring, or overplayed: but because it's emotionally difficult for me to read (self-protection emoticon). That has been my husband at times too. My biggest shock, and wake-up call, came when my Solicitor received his response to her initial letter and said 'Wow, he's one controlling bastard'.

I excused her lack of professionalism: realised then she was my kind of woman!

Turns out, he is - and I've been a little deluded about it. I am furious with myself for not realising it at times BUT I'm going to leave this marriage having stood up for myself. It's just the middle bit where I failed myself, you know the bit when I let him convince me to give up my career...

But today, having seen someone has pointed you in the direction of my thread and as a result you have written: thought what her stbx has done to her, I'm about to do to h! You know, divorce papers out of the blue, he's been planning his escape etc. H is going to be the injured party and me the cold bitch"

I want you to know that I think about your decision to 'surprise' divorce him. Firstly:

He is not financially dependent on you.

He is not the one who has previously rung Women's Aid (or equivalent) because you are going to suddenly find yourself physically stronger and more intimidating than him.
He is not going to be the one with young children to protect.
He is going to be furious at you, because you got to make the decision without his say so.

He is not going to be the one who hasn't got somewhere safe to go when the above four things are your stark reality.

I would never advocate for a 'Des and Angie' type serving of divorce papers if the intention is to cause distress, rather than to safeguard yourself and your children.

And that sums up the difference: when my husband did it, he did to cause me distress (he'd previously agreed, after he'd stopped the first divorce petition of two years seperation) that I would divorce him. Then 'surprised' me again with a new divorce petition.

He was already working away. Safe, and earning an income, and without having to worry about young children. He left me with the shit to sort out, and continues to be very abusive and controlling because I am not doing what I'm told. I have never been physically stronger than him, but yes I do fantasize about battering him for what he's done (I won't because it's a stupid thing to do career-wise, and I can't: he's in a safe place far away!).

My husband pretended all was well to maximise his share of the assets. Perhaps, also, to prevent others knowing that he's met someone else (I genuinely don't know, but if we all wanted to take up gambling...) and to minimise the stress for himself.

Because he believes he's worth it and I'm not.

I hope that the stark differences between your situation and mine are clear to you. And with that, in your case, I would advocate a surprise divorce.

I wish you all the best in your new future. You're worth it.

PS: when you actually start the divorce, you'll appreciate my Dear STBXH letters more: they are my way of coping with the fuckwittery! It doesn't end the day you/he leaves.

But the day of leaving, is the day you can start to take back control.

OP I think you should just take the refuge place. If your parents were in their new home right now that would be one thing, but not knowing exactly when they're going to move, and then the attention from your STBX focussing on them as well as you - it will all add massively to the stress for everyone.

If there's a chance he's going to be ringing their mobiles, then they need new SIM cards or temporary phones for the time being.

My goodness thank you wellwhoknew - that has made me feel so much better - you are right I have no choice but to hit him out of the blue with it and then go into hiding. And I am so sorry for you and your situation - you're very well written letters will really help me when it all kicks off. Best of luck to you too

Thank you Guilty wise helpful words :)

Thanks wyrdy - he has just texted asking if I am about (he thought I was leaving kids with grandparents and coming back) and so I have told him no I'm going to stay here for the weekend and go out friday and Saturday nights.

He hasn't responded.

It's the perfect opportunity to be here until he gets the papers and then I'll move straight to a refuge from here - although my mum is adamant she doesn't want that for me and the girls! He knows where they live at the moment but will have absolutely no idea when they move.

This is all meant to be - I can't go back there.

Cross post twinkle but thank you - yes I need to protect them from him - typical their house move gets held up

I could tell him they are moving on Monday? Throw him off the idea of ever coming here?