Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

999 replies

thenamehaschanged · 24/07/2014 13:13

H rents a room close to his work and comes back to the family home at the weekend (the family home is only 40 minutes max to his work by the way!)
He manages a department, has a lot of responsibility and pressure, has to give presentations daily which he says he hates and works often to about 7.30/8pm after an early start so I am in no way doubting he's busy and stressed at times. There is also a hell of a lot of socialising and boozing pretty much all week with trips to karaoke bars, top restaurants where he is simply the life and soul.
What I get coming through the door at the weekend though is a moody, sullen, withdrawn shell of a man who when asked if ok either doesn't respond or looks at you with mild scorn. He is so resentful, jealous even, that he has to work - and hates me for being more at home with the kids which is where he wants to be. you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Needless to say I can't wait for him to just fuck off back out the door again Monday morning!
He is controlling and abusive and I am going to see a solicitor next week - I have tried to end the marriage many times but his grip just gets tighter. The last occasion was this week, I snapped (again) told him it was over and that I am seeing a solicitor - I won't go on too long about it all but his continual defence of how horrible he is is that (after he's told me that I'm just as abusive which I really really am not) he's stressed, under pressure and doesn't want to be doing this job even though it pays well and comes with lots of perks. It's a job he trained specifically to do, he did leave it for 8 years as there were elements he didn't like, to build his own business which failed (he was an arse then as well) there's no other job he will entertain doing and so he's back doing his old job.
And I am embarrassed to say that here I am totally lobotomised and spaghetti headed, still in the marriage, agreeing to counselling :( which I really don't want to do) and thinking does he have a point. I wouldn't like to have to give loads of presentations for instance.

OP posts:
HansieLove · 13/08/2014 19:02

bet he is not too keen on you going out Friday and Saturday night. It is him that gets that privilege all week. Not you, oh no, not you!

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 13/08/2014 20:57

Haha well actually Hansie I had a very personable, friendly 'oh ok no probs' type text from him a bit earlier....you know, Mr Nice!

My parents have been a bit freaked - my Dad especially has 'put the foot down' a bit and has told me not to serve papers til they have moved - that I'm stressing them out as well and they don't need H turning up here.

I was like - it's ok I'm trying to protect you too, but yes I understand - there was definitely a touch of the family siding with the abuser and almost pushing me back there unfortunately - but it's ok, I'm staying the weekend and have agreed to delay serving papers until they have moved.

Although I may just serve and move to a refuge anyway. They were so against that idea because they don't understand refuges. I think it sounds almost third world to them.

But then my dad doesn't understand what DV is and thinks I can just talk to H and hand him the papers at home!

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 13/08/2014 21:10

"my Dad especially has 'put the foot down' a bit

But then my dad doesn't understand what DV is and thinks I can just talk to H and hand him the papers at home!"

Has your dad/family always been like this OP.

Your post at 20.57 shows why you may have put up with this for so long.

Darkesteyes · 13/08/2014 21:15

THere was a Dispatches programme about so called "honour killings" on tv about 3 years ago. The father had pushed his daughter into staying with her husband who eventually set alight to her in the garden.

During the programme when the father started his "woe is me" act i almost threw my dinner at the screen.

Because the kind of family who push and bully their adult daughters into staying with their abusers are also abusers themselves and they are not above putting on an act either"

Not saying your parents are this bad Name. But something about your post unsettled me.

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 13/08/2014 21:34

I've grown up in an abusive family darkest :(

I'm breaking the cycle now though

But I can't cut contact with my parents...dad sorry.....I just can't.

They are my life line right now

OP posts:
Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 13/08/2014 21:37

Honour killings however are the most terrifying, chilling incidents I have ever heard of - my mum had an Asian colleague who ran away from her family - she was the loveliest, prettiest lady I think I remember - thankfully she eventually found happiness :)

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 13/08/2014 21:39

name i know how you feel Please please dont apologise. You have nothing to apologise for. Thanks Wine My DM is EXTREMELY emotionally abusive (we are talking blaming rape victims rather than the rapists) and i havent yet cut ties with her either.

One of the reasons i have remained childfree is because i knew she would try and use it to control me.

You have NO need to say sorry x

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 13/08/2014 21:51

My goodness Darkest I'm sorry x

It's ok I know you weren't being off and just being observational - but it's all stuff I've known for a long time x

OP posts:
Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 13/08/2014 21:52

That's huge about you and your DM by the way :(

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 13/08/2014 21:56

Good move, I'm relieved you're going to the refuge, and am a bit Shock Hmm @ your dad.

Darkesteyes · 13/08/2014 21:58

Its fine Please dont apologise. Didnt want to derail. My senses went off when i saw your post about your parents I understand totally Thanks

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 13/08/2014 22:33

Yeah definitely odd - my mum trying to make this all about her, my dad using this as an excuse to abuse her and make her look stupid....

My God...

At least I recognise it - H's parents are worse - H's dad used to be violent and his mum is the epitome of the Door Mat - except he struggles to see it

OP posts:
HQstolemyname · 13/08/2014 22:57

I'm sorry your family is like this. I do think it's ridiculous of your dad to tell you not to serve the papers until he himself moves, and meanwhile how are you supposed to keep yourself and the children safe? I know that's an awful simplification of the dynamics, but in some ways your situation is very straightforward: to stay safe you serve the papers asap. If your parents have moved you can go to them and you'll be safe; if they haven't moved then you go to a refuge to be safe (or serve a non-mol - do that anyway, btw).

As your parents haven't moved yet, you go to a refuge. Then you are safe.

Twinklestein · 13/08/2014 23:30

Agree with HQ. I really don't think you should postpone on the basis of your dad. You need to protect yourself and your kids and the longer this goes on the more likely it is you will get rumbled.

I can't believe your dad is putting his wellbeing before you and your children's.

Darkesteyes · 13/08/2014 23:56

I can't believe your dad is putting his wellbeing before you and your children's

THIS! Sad Angry

FantasticButtocks · 14/08/2014 07:57

Sounds as though you will be safest at the refuge Sad not sure how much help your parents are going to be...

FunkyBoldRibena · 14/08/2014 08:01

Your dad is saying that because he is petrified of your husband.

If that's the case; then definitely serve the papers and go into hiding. You can come out again once they have moved but don't meet your parents during this time and tell them you will call them not them call you - and go stay with them once they have moved.

Earsareconstantlyringing · 14/08/2014 08:31

From another side, could it be that your dad thinks you've hung in there this long, a few more days won't make much difference and he'd rather you be with them in their new place than be at a refuge? I'd imagine a lot of parents of a certain age have an image in their heads of what a refuge is, and they don't want you or your little ones there. Your parents may be feeling guilty that all this has been going on and they didn't know and couldn't help, and so their reactions aren't necessarily what you'd expect? Or maybe I'm just being charitable...

If it's any help, I think you're right to keep contact with your parents, even if your background has been far from sweetness and picnics. Right now my love, you need all the support and love you can get to stay strong and stay focussed on the end goal, which is a life where you and your children can be happy and free without the shadow of your dickhead husband tainting everything. Your parents, while they may not be able to support you in an entirely altruistic way, anything is better than nothing, and in a time of need, they may just surprise you. I hope they do.

Stay strong, thename, you're doing bloody marvellously.

GarlicAugustus · 14/08/2014 08:58

I'm wishing you the very best for this weekend, name Flowers And, yes, you are amazing!

I disagree that 'anything is better than nothing' where weird parents are concerned - rather a lot of them can take advantage of an adult child in trouble. It's all down to the individual dynamics of your particular family, but the most important thing now is to retain control of your own movements. I know you're already on top of that :)

springydaffs · 14/08/2014 09:03

Thing is, if their relationship is not dissimilar to yours, they won't see what the problem is. Sad but true.

I suppose in their day they had no knowledge about this stuff, unlike us. That's not to excuse them, though - they could find out now if it weren't so threatening to them . my parents think my horror of an ex was a lovely chap to this day... (even with the endless shit I went through for years until he left God's green earth). Unless you're being bashed about, they don't get it because they don't want to

Tell him your parents are moving on Monday to get him off their trail. Get to a refuge, I should. Somewhere to check out while he 'adjusts' to the situ.

KOKO, one step at a time, you're doing the right thing Flowers

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 14/08/2014 10:18

Thanks everyone Thanks

From another side, could it be that your dad thinks you've hung in there this long, a few more days won't make much difference and he'd rather you be with them in their new place than be at a refuge? I'd imagine a lot of parents of a certain age have an image in their heads of what a refuge is, and they don't want you or your little ones there

That's exactly it Ears. Dad was having a bit of a go at me last night saying I was stressing them out, that I should be done for child abuse the amount I've moved DDs around, that I'm not to do this again Hmm how many times have we been here etc etc

I just kept firing back with 'so I should just stay in the marriage then?' - no I'm not saying that BUT... it went round and round for a while.

It's the old arm round me again - I've never had one, from them or H!

I just have to carry on - I think I might tell H that they're moving on Monday.

OP posts:
Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 14/08/2014 10:44

Did I say that H was asking on his text last night if I was around did I fancy going for a meal?

It just all sounds so nice and friendly but the reality wouldn't be - restaurants are one of his favourite places to 'start'

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 14/08/2014 10:48

You're being really brave and strong xxx

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 14/08/2014 11:16

"that I should be done for child abuse the amount I've moved DDs around, that I'm not to do this again"

What the fuck?

OP, do you trust your dad to help keep you safe?

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 14/08/2014 11:26

I don 't know Bland.

He balked when I explained what no contact means, pulled a face when I said H was not to be pre warned about the divorce - 'what's he meant to say when he gets a text from H asking for their new address?'

I think with my dad though, there's a lot of hot air at the start and then he'd be on our side. But he is an obtuse, abusive arsehole himself unfortunately which is why I'm in the situation I'm in and why I need to do this for my DD's.

I said that to him when he was asking if HE was the only one thinking of DD's Shock

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread