How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

[thenamehaschanged]

H rents a room close to his work and comes back to the family home at the weekend (the family home is only 40 minutes max to his work by the way!)
He manages a department, has a lot of responsibility and pressure, has to give presentations daily which he says he hates and works often to about 7.30/8pm after an early start so I am in no way doubting he's busy and stressed at times. There is also a hell of a lot of socialising and boozing pretty much all week with trips to karaoke bars, top restaurants where he is simply the life and soul.
What I get coming through the door at the weekend though is a moody, sullen, withdrawn shell of a man who when asked if ok either doesn't respond or looks at you with mild scorn. He is so resentful, jealous even, that he has to work - and hates me for being more at home with the kids which is where he wants to be. you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Needless to say I can't wait for him to just fuck off back out the door again Monday morning!
He is controlling and abusive and I am going to see a solicitor next week - I have tried to end the marriage many times but his grip just gets tighter. The last occasion was this week, I snapped (again) told him it was over and that I am seeing a solicitor - I won't go on too long about it all but his continual defence of how horrible he is is that (after he's told me that I'm just as abusive which I really really am not) he's stressed, under pressure and doesn't want to be doing this job even though it pays well and comes with lots of perks. It's a job he trained specifically to do, he did leave it for 8 years as there were elements he didn't like, to build his own business which failed (he was an arse then as well) there's no other job he will entertain doing and so he's back doing his old job.
And I am embarrassed to say that here I am totally lobotomised and spaghetti headed, still in the marriage, agreeing to counselling :( which I really don't want to do) and thinking does he have a point. I wouldn't like to have to give loads of presentations for instance.

You are doing great thename.
If you have not already, consider reading Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?" too.
The Discovery process can be overwhelming and perhaps come with not a little bit of shock. From your posts, though, it seems like you are in a position (of strength!) that has transitioned emotionally away from him. That will make things easier in a ...I wouldn't be surprised if... kind of way.

If infidelity on his part starts to make sense to you, perhaps you should get a STI check? Not the first thing on your list right now, understandably, but consider getting checked in the next month or two.

Have an in-house art show with your girls...watercolors and endless copier paper (art therapy is never a bad thing). Give prizes and have a grand opening luncheon for just for the three of you.

I know - thanks dolly yes definitely not an alcoholic so what else could it all be!

Thanks squid you're right although seeing it and realising it has been immense tonight and I'm glad because it's made me feel braver to just get things going.

I always knew he had a temper but for a long time it was put down to stress - then I realised it was abuse - starting this thread made me see that he has isolated me and is also financially abusive - but the last thing I thought was that he was unfaithful and up until now I would have said he never has been - honestly! He was slagging off his sister's ex last night because he'd been cheating on her, you know and it was with real disgust.

But if he can lead a double life so that family and friends have no idea how abusive he is to his wife then he can lead a double life with me can't he - giving me the impression that he would never cheat. Durrr!!

And I've played a key role in it all too. I've played my part in the act for family and friends - I think it's probably going to take me a while to drop off to sleep tonight!

Ahh thanks band sorry crossed posts - that's a lovely idea I will do that!

I do have Lundy's book, it hasn't been read for a while think I'll go and dig it out!

I skipped through the cheating parts of Lundy's book first time round because I didn't think it relevant to my situation

Sorry I'm all over the place Band I meant that was a lovely idea the art thing with the kids, not the sti check haha!!

(But will consider that at a later date -eww)

Just sat and read the whole thread from start to finish.

I am so full of admiration for you OP. You are one hell of a woman - really.

I got chills reading about your H .. so many similarities with my ex - the bastard. I'd forgotten blocked out so much of it .. but this thread has brought it all flooding back - not in a bad way, but as a reminder to cherish the freedom and peace of mind I have now.

I have absolutely no doubt you will get there too. You have the measure of this man (and I use the term 'man' loosely), he is no match for you. You perhaps don't see it like that and neither does he .. but he's about to find out what a formidable woman he married. We here can see it ... it comes through in every word you write. Remarkable!

Your H is in for one hell of a shock and it couldn't happen to a nicer bloke.

Aw thank you for that Fontella you've given me such a lift there and a big grin!

It's actually you and everyone here on this thread who has inspired me - it's kept me going, almost like a safety net - I've never had that before and so although i had some of the measure of him before now - I would fall back in when the charm turned on - But I feel supported now. And having it all documented for reference as well I guess, I mean it's only about 2 and a bit weeks old this thread and you can already see what a total roller coaster life is with him!

I can't wait to cherish my freedom and peace of mind. I have been feeling at a low ebb these last couple of days but that last bit of fog clearing tonight has spurred me on to just get the letter sent and get the ball rolling finally - the stupid twat!

You are about to start a new stage in your life name It will be so much easier without this prick in it.

Thank you Darkest! think I'm ready for that now :)

I struggled to get to sleep before 2am and my eyes ping open there 5.45 after dreaming that the world was ending - literally me, h and lots of people I only know through him were on some kind of apocalyptic ferry waiting to die.

Now I'm no psychologist - but I think my sub conscience might be trying to tell me something

My depression I've had these last few years has meant I tend to sleep a bit excessively at the weekend I.e up at 8.30 or 9 which always did h's head in as he wanted me up at 6 with him, making plans for the weekend urgh! But I have honestly barely slept all week - I just have to note it because it is so out of character. Got that gritty eye ball slightly wobbly other worldly feeling - like I've got up in the early hours to go on holiday!

Still feeling positive and focussing on safety first rather than worrying about the logistics of things in the future. That was a great tip it's helping keep me calm

If someone nagged me to get up at 6 at the weekends I'd divorce him just for that, I'm afraid!

So glad the letter arrived.
If it's all good get it sent to him.
I think you'll find your depression lessens greatly once you are away and free from 'the creature'.

On another note, I always knew my DH would never cheat on me. No way. Not ever!!
YEAH RIGHT!
15 years in and, hey presto. He becomes a lying cheating sleaze.

Something to consider. But it may just be that's he's an abusive, nasty vile piece of crap!

I hope today is productive for you and you get some love and support from your mum.

Can you afford a PI? It would be mighty convenient if he were being unfaithful, gut-wrenching though that is, even in the circs, as it would give you the perfect get-out clause.

Hope you manage to get some sleep. Can you have a kip/some kips during the day to catch up?

If the OP really wants to stir things up, Im sure a PI would be able to find out a ton of stuff. Then he would not have a leg to stand on, re dc contact, moral superiority anything.

I am just so suspicious about his spending habits, the room, and the 'relaxed' approach to claiming back his costs through work expenses. Entertaining clients so frequently but never claiming?... It all just seems like the absolute perfect set-up for someone who uses escorts.

Sorry this probably is not the forefront of your concerns but I know my 'types' and have encountered many men who do pay for sex.

Like your H they don't see women as human beings, they exist purely to serve his emotional, physical and domestic needs. They lie easily and maneouvre their lives to enable their habit.

Sorry to go off on a tangent... I hope all is satisfacory with the letter.

Thank you everyone xx

I have phoned the solicitor this morning and said yes let's go ahead so am going to drop my wedding certificate into her today before heading to my mums - she said she'd be ready to go Monday (gulp!)
Also got a number for my local WA so will give them a call too
Big nervy knot in my stomach!! Thank you everyone for all your support x

Fingers crossed for you, but look after your own safety and that of your DC as number one priority.

I don't think I can afford a PI and a divorce it would be very very interesting though wouldn't it!

It may just be tons of socialising with his colleagues - but even that's unreasonable behaviour on it's own, let alone if he's shagging any of them or worse escorts.

He's told me that all his mates have shagged prostitutes at one time but not him, that is so not him, he is morally above all of that and he told me that he got very upset at a situation before we met actually where one of his mates shagged a prostitute in H's flat when they were all young.

What I do know for sure is that I don't know him. He definitely is leading a double life that me and the kids have nothing to do with and I really didn't think he would ever be a skanky prostitute shagger - but it can't be ruled out can it! And that's not a man I would want to be snuggling up to in my 60's looking back over our 'golden years' together

Well done. He really has done a number on you over the years but you are getting there.

He doesn't deserve anything tbh he clearly doesn't love you or his dc - there is no evidence of any care or consideration for his daughters let alone you .

Just wanted to say good luck. You have been amazingly strong through all of this.

Your husband may try and and fight things, but really, on what planet does he think he has a leg to stand on? How he can claim to be a good husband/father when he lives away all week yet is only 40 minutes from home is ridiculous, and hopefully any judge will see that.

Please keep posting on here if you can, as lots of people will want to know that you are ok.

I bet he is shagging prostitutes, he does have a double life I. Waiver a fiver bet as I type .

Op it doesn't matter what you can or can't prove I feel, it doesn't change his treatment of you over the years, finding out his excuse for it in the long run doesn't justify it. I see him as a juggler with lots of balls in the air all at once, and fairly soon they are all gonna be coming crashing down on him.

He's told me that all his mates have shagged prostitutes at one time but not him, that is so not him, he is morally above all of that and he told me that he got very upset at a situation before we met actually where one of his mates shagged a prostitute in H's flat when they were all young.

You wouldn't actually say that if you weren't at it yourself. He's trying to normalise it by saying his mates do it at the same time as distancing himself from it and assuring you he would never do it.

He's told me that all his mates have shagged prostitutes at one time but not him, that is so not him, he is morally above all of that and he told me that he got very upset at a situation before we met actually where one of his mates shagged a prostitute in H's flat when they were all young.

Are these real friends or his multiple personalities?

Sorry, bad joke in very poor taste

Controlling your sleep. Another abusive tactic!

Haha all bad taste jokes welcome smegs thank you

Thanks everyone - it has really strengthened me realising this - because I didn't walk away at the first signs of verbal abuse and have been putting up with it for too long - I was getting away though - that's why I started the thread, had had enough but this wake up call that of course he isn't being faithful!!! He treats me like he can't bloody stand me so why would there be sexual loyalty?

I've got more solicitor stuff to look through actually that she's sent - feeling positive and then bastard h bloody phones doing his 'I'm really nice' phone voice - I got dd1 to answer it but he eventually asked for me - and just wanted some idle chit chat I just thought don't try and play fucking happy families just because you're momentarily bored at work you disgusting bastard!! If we were in person at home you would barely acknowledge me. Got to always always remember that when he phones - although next week I'm wanting zero contact obviously!

What about the fact he wants to move back? He would need to give a months notice on this room next week if he did - he'll thankfully be getting the solicitor letter before though - but was that him having his fun then returning home - obviously not to be a loving husband and father again but the thought panicked me on Sunday night when he mentioned it!

Do NOT panic about that. No-one is going to force you to live with this fuckwit for the rest of your life!