How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

[thenamehaschanged]

H rents a room close to his work and comes back to the family home at the weekend (the family home is only 40 minutes max to his work by the way!)
He manages a department, has a lot of responsibility and pressure, has to give presentations daily which he says he hates and works often to about 7.30/8pm after an early start so I am in no way doubting he's busy and stressed at times. There is also a hell of a lot of socialising and boozing pretty much all week with trips to karaoke bars, top restaurants where he is simply the life and soul.
What I get coming through the door at the weekend though is a moody, sullen, withdrawn shell of a man who when asked if ok either doesn't respond or looks at you with mild scorn. He is so resentful, jealous even, that he has to work - and hates me for being more at home with the kids which is where he wants to be. you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Needless to say I can't wait for him to just fuck off back out the door again Monday morning!
He is controlling and abusive and I am going to see a solicitor next week - I have tried to end the marriage many times but his grip just gets tighter. The last occasion was this week, I snapped (again) told him it was over and that I am seeing a solicitor - I won't go on too long about it all but his continual defence of how horrible he is is that (after he's told me that I'm just as abusive which I really really am not) he's stressed, under pressure and doesn't want to be doing this job even though it pays well and comes with lots of perks. It's a job he trained specifically to do, he did leave it for 8 years as there were elements he didn't like, to build his own business which failed (he was an arse then as well) there's no other job he will entertain doing and so he's back doing his old job.
And I am embarrassed to say that here I am totally lobotomised and spaghetti headed, still in the marriage, agreeing to counselling :( which I really don't want to do) and thinking does he have a point. I wouldn't like to have to give loads of presentations for instance.

"do" you is revolting. There is a limit to how far you play along with him.

Good luck. Keep your phone right next to you or under your pillow. Don't hesitate to use it.

UTIs can be a godsend.

Thank you everyone x

What a deeply unsettling night that was - I have barely slept - I managed to dodge 3 attempts at being 'done' with the not well excuse. He wasn't happy about it and sulked for a bit which I couldn't help myself say H Do you mind! I'm in bed and not well I don't want sex thank you.

He also kept rubbing my back and asked for a kiss a few times which I just said no.

I was too scared to leave the bed and sleep elsewhere so went top to tail which is how we slept before separate rooms.

Yes you're all right he definitely knows I'm just not that into him anymore and thinks if he has sex 'on' me it will get things back on track. He definitely won't have read this thread so don't worry he wouldn't know his way around MN or my username.

I couldn't believe at one point we were talking about his sisters potential divorce and that she needs to see a solicitor etc it is so surreal and I do feel scheming.

I should be getting my letter from the solicitor emailed to me today.

I'll look up the freedom programme now - definitely feel like the wind has been taken out of my sails again :(

There's no way I can live like this though.

Hang in there OP. Is he back at work today?

I'm definitely struggling to find a freedom programme anywhere.

Their website doesn't offer anything and the only thing I could find through google was a pilot scheme last year for mums with children under 5

God he wasn't half banging on about how stressful work's going to be for the next 2 weeks as well last night which made me very uneasy - another worry is that he hasn't officially signed his contract yet because he hasn't had the time to look at it. At the moment he is still freelance.

He's an absolute workaholic though. Surely he won't walk out of his job? He has his sister to bloody support as well. I think he may well threaten it though.

I'm going to get myself a pay as you go phone today and put all the numbers on it that I need and then leave my usual phone switched off when the time comes as it won't just be his mobile he would try calling me from.

Yes bland he's gone now thankfully!

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

You should be able to do it online.
Or you can call WA and find out more details.
It would certainly be better if you could actually attend the course.
But online might be a good start.
You are doing so so well.
I hope it can all move forward today.

Keep going. for you!

I've been following you thename, and delurking now to wish you luck and strength for the coming weeks and months. And please don't compare yourself with WWK's stbx. Like her, you are the victim, definitely not the abuser!

Brill thanks hells I've found one sort of near me and have emailed the lady!

Thank you cake it's amazing that they can make you feel that it's you who is the abuser. As others have said it might not even be deliberate at times, it's what they truly believe.

Even with him doing the nice(ish) act last night, the fear is always there that if you don't watch what you say, it could turn nasty in an instant.

Can you not find anything under 'find a course'? (Cant link) Sorry to spell it out, don't mean to be patronising. How far away is the nearest course? It's worth travelling for... But you can also do it online, as a pp said - just that it really is helpful to be with other women who have and are experiencing the same thing.

X-post. So glad you've found a course! [Smile]

even

Thanks Daffs :) I was being daft and not increasing the search area!

Do you think he's been dumped by an OW? Maybe that's why he is trying to cosy in again, and give up the bedsit.

I doubt it Primal - he may well have had the odd ons I will never know, but to go the whole OW route isn't him - it looks bad for a start as he likes the family man image and also he just isn't into anyone as much as he's into himself so I doubt would want to have to invest anytime in anyone.

That's the impression he's always given me so i could be completely wrong! But honestly as unpleasant as it is I would be relieved if he had been having an affair. Upset, but relieved - it would be so much easier I think to end things then.

My solicitor's letter has come through so I've got a lot of reading to do!

Yay that the letter is here!

Haha thanks bland - have read it all - feeling just a little teeny tiny bit daunted!!

My main concerns are is it the right thing to try and relocate the dd's again when they've already been relocated once already this year. him walking out of his job to spite me is another fear.

Not living anywhere near each other is going to make handovers difficult, oh yeah and he might hunt me down and kill me as well

It is very daunting, but you're going in the right direction, thename.

Let me mention something you already know.... which is that your safety is the most important thing. Absolutely nothing, at all, matters beside the safety of you and your family. When you focus on that, you can see that it doesn't matter about relocating or hand overs, or nowhere near as much as it seems, shall we say.

thank you wyrdy, you are absolutely right of course x

Think I'm just going into panic mode now seeing the solicitors words in black and white.

Breathe in slowly through your nose to a count of 3.
Breathe out slowly through your mouth to a count of 5.
Do it 3 times (or more).
Do that when you feel panic approaching.
It does something to the (limbic system? some system like that) which calms you.

OK, so you've moved once this year. Look on it as a practice run. It does mean that the children haven't really had time to put down roots.

Please always remind yourself that your safety and safety of your children is the most important thing.

Call WA and have a chat. Or email them.

Nearly there. With luck, what he meant when he was going on about work stress was simply that he wouldn't be able to get back to the house much over the next fortnight.

Fingers crossed for you.

Thanks Jux x
Good point about the relocation, it's not like it's going to be a huge emotional wrench moving away from here thankfully.
I forwarded my mum the solicitors letter and am going to go down to hers tomorrow for a couple of nights. Have felt absolutely empty and alone today - the DD's are totally acting up now with holiday boredom and I'm just vacantly moping about around them! Honestly, what a state!
Planning on feeling brighter tomorrow!

Change of scene and some home comforts sounds like a splendid plan!

Don't concern yourself about the difficulties of contact yet. If you get his abuse officially logged, then there's a chance that you won't have to worry about it too much.

It is quite important that you do talk to at least WA at the moment. They will give you very good safeguarding advice as well as moral support.

Having a Shit Hot Lawyer is obviously very necessary, but they can only advise you in legal matters, and they charge. WA can do everything else.

Thanks Jux - and yes I'm going to call WA too. I'll hopefully get myself in the system with them and maybe there'll be a refuge place if I need one - I've also got to go to new Dr for more citalopram which I've been on for a yr now for panic attacks - and I'll tell the new dr exactly what's happening so it's logged there as well.

Starting to feel another bit of fog lifting which is good I guess - a few pp's have mentioned potential ow and ons and I always thought no, not H, he doesn't agree with all of that so I've just been reading up on signs of infidelity which I have never done before and it's all there. Aggression, criticism, absent, ignoring and not wanting to be around wife and kids...actually it didn't mention also having a party room to live in midweek so I might be wrong

It's a bit of a forehead slap moment again. I must be so naive.

It was reading up on the freedom programme too and one of the descriptions that sounded very much like h said he is unfaithful

Op I did think that the rows he starts seem very manufactured to enable him to go off. I did initially think he was an alcoholic and was making excuses to go drinking, I guess an ow might be a possibility

That room of his. Perfect opportunity for ons or escorts. None of that matters to you now! Forward for u and your dc.