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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

999 replies

thenamehaschanged · 24/07/2014 13:13

H rents a room close to his work and comes back to the family home at the weekend (the family home is only 40 minutes max to his work by the way!)
He manages a department, has a lot of responsibility and pressure, has to give presentations daily which he says he hates and works often to about 7.30/8pm after an early start so I am in no way doubting he's busy and stressed at times. There is also a hell of a lot of socialising and boozing pretty much all week with trips to karaoke bars, top restaurants where he is simply the life and soul.
What I get coming through the door at the weekend though is a moody, sullen, withdrawn shell of a man who when asked if ok either doesn't respond or looks at you with mild scorn. He is so resentful, jealous even, that he has to work - and hates me for being more at home with the kids which is where he wants to be. you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Needless to say I can't wait for him to just fuck off back out the door again Monday morning!
He is controlling and abusive and I am going to see a solicitor next week - I have tried to end the marriage many times but his grip just gets tighter. The last occasion was this week, I snapped (again) told him it was over and that I am seeing a solicitor - I won't go on too long about it all but his continual defence of how horrible he is is that (after he's told me that I'm just as abusive which I really really am not) he's stressed, under pressure and doesn't want to be doing this job even though it pays well and comes with lots of perks. It's a job he trained specifically to do, he did leave it for 8 years as there were elements he didn't like, to build his own business which failed (he was an arse then as well) there's no other job he will entertain doing and so he's back doing his old job.
And I am embarrassed to say that here I am totally lobotomised and spaghetti headed, still in the marriage, agreeing to counselling :( which I really don't want to do) and thinking does he have a point. I wouldn't like to have to give loads of presentations for instance.

OP posts:
wyrdyBird · 10/08/2014 16:06

I think you did the right thing there, thename. Very tempting to press 'send' though.
If you can't reach WA on the phone, maybe an email would be an option?

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 10/08/2014 16:12

Oh yes of course, thanks wyrdy I'll do that tomorrow - I'm better at writing it all down anyway.

Another couple of pluses to look forward to his reaction to tonight is dd2 stepped on her tablet and the screen has cracked quite badly and dd1's hamster has escaped again.

All this means having to interact with him and absolutely no doubt negatively Sad

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 10/08/2014 18:25

I've called him an abuser and said that's why I won't go to counselling - he's having none of it! I'm just as abusive apparently. We're both abusing each other Next time this comes up you can tell him 'It doesn't matter if it is me or you who is the abuser, or both of us…if abuse is happening, counselling isn't advised won't work.'

So, even if he is saying you are the one who is abusive, counselling would still not be a good option. Would that explanation shut him up satisfy him?

But, having said that…. Don't try winning or scoring points, tis futile and a waste of your energy. Do whatever you have to do to keep on your exit path.

hamptoncourt · 10/08/2014 18:41

OP, think about it, do you have to tell him about the cracked tablet and the Houdini hamster?

Will he actually notice?

Tell him as little as possible and think how lovely it will be when you don't have to involve him in your day to day life at all.

Stay calm and stay safe.

FunkyBoldRibena · 10/08/2014 18:48

I'd put the ipad in a drawer and get to bed early. Minimise any interactions to practically zero if possible.

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 10/08/2014 19:14

Urgh I wish but little miss traitor chops DD1 already told him on the phone! I cringed when I heard her blabbering because I would have hidden it like you say and wouldn't have mentioned little hambo either!

Thanks for that fantastic, great tip!

It's alright I'll still try and avoid him as much as I can just so gutted he's coming here.

OP posts:
Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 10/08/2014 19:17

Better put my rings back on as well I guess Sad

OP posts:
hamptoncourt · 10/08/2014 19:20

When my marriage was coming to and end I noticed I was forever twisting my wedding ring and slipping it on and off my finger.

Tis a sign!

I really feel for you and hope you get through this evening OK.

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 10/08/2014 19:27

Thanks Hampton Thanks

That's interesting about the rings, that's what I've been doing too! I'm glad it's a sign Smile

OP posts:
HanselandGretel · 10/08/2014 19:52

Hi OP, I feel for you and can relate to so much of your thread. Being brutally honest here and from my own personal experience and from what you've written of him, you are most probably in for a stinker of a fight. Once you hit him with your plans it will only be the beginning of a long process. He will finally be losing control and that is not something an abuser like to do.
Hold firm, you have got to get out of this nightmare and as the old saying goes - 'if you're going through hell, keep going'.

Disengage from him as much as possible when he tries, as he will, to lay the law down and batter you emotionally with guilt-tripping and recriminations. You have grown strong throughout this thread, perhaps from having the support and perspective of the other posters, keep strong, it's vital you do not lose your momentum and lose sight of the life you could be having away from this abusive mess.

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 10/08/2014 20:16

Thank you Hansel that was really kind of you. I know it's going to be hard - I'm kind of hoping though with no contact that he won't be able to get at me personally for a while. I think I will feel that bit stronger with the protection of the solicitor.

It would be lovely if he resigns himself to it and just signs where he needs to but I think he might sling some shit at me. He'll probably call me an alcoholic, unfit mother. He'll probably disagree with selling the house even though I can't afford to live here - I know there's ways around all these things but it will be stressful.

He's just phoned there being as nice as pie with his little boy cap in hand tone - little jokes and tips about finding the hamster, no worries about the cracked tablet - you would think he was a lovely husband....it's definitely all very mind bending. I'm really looking forward to a bath and bed!

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 10/08/2014 20:26

Hey thename...

Have just read your thread (most of it- had to skim parts as have a 4 year old rascal calling me up and downstairs).

Just wanted to tell you I think you're amazing. You're strength shines through. He puts you down and tries to exude superiority because he knows you're 1000 times the person he is. Calling you an abuser?! Projecting much?!

Stay strong. Flowers

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 10/08/2014 20:58

Haha thanks Mamma! And yes you're defo right there with the projecting. I get that now.

I'm still not 100% sure what gas lighting is actually, someone said that up thread somewhere.

Well he's been and they've gone. As always, he was different in person than on the phone a mere 20 minutes earlier. He wasn't unpleasant but he wasn't overly enthusiastic considering he hasn't seen us in 8 days. There's not even a hello let alone a peck on the cheek (which I wouldn't want obviously) but that's how he's been for so long and yep you've guessed it, he managed to ignore me as well haha! He was only here for 10 minutes and managed to get an ignore in! Grin

So in fact he was unpleasant!

OP posts:
Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 10/08/2014 21:05

Ah just looked up gas lighting.

Who are these people for God sake? Honestly him and all the rest of them - absolutely loathsome, pathetic individuals. There's just so much of it as well Sad

OP posts:
Jux · 10/08/2014 21:37

It is really sad, isn't it? Unfortunately, there is nothing - nothing - you can do once an abuser has targetted you, except run for the hills. Get away. Do not go back.

It is most definitely worth contacting WA, and also the police DV Unit on 101. Once it is documented officially, then you are in a stronger position, particularly in regard to contact in the future. Still, one step at a time.

Hope you're having a calm time while they're out.

springydaffs · 10/08/2014 21:56

I have to agree that I think you are in for a stinker of a fight. Sorry thename.

I'm sorry to say, mine kept it up for years and years (until his demise shame ). THIS IS WHY you must get stuck into a recovery community eg freedom programme -for a very long time, he has been your only reality, you have to get an alternative reality; in fact, the real reality iyswim. You have run along his tracks, reacting to them, for a long time, you have to get some different tracks - the real track. (She says it twice.. )

Hell will freeze over before he sees he is an abuser. He will NEVER see it. He thinks he's quite a sweet guy, not perfect but pretty bloody good. He has no idea what he's really like, what he's really doing - that's not to excuse him, though. His reality is so distorted, he gets grumpy with you when you don't fall in with his reality, and punishes you for it. He probably ignored you tonight because you haven't responded to his discipline. He has to keep you on your toes, continually withholding from you, to punish you for not being compliant. He very probably thinks your 'abuse' is when you complain and won't comply.

He's not going to roll over, lovely. Call WA at night, between 7pm and 7am, for a better chance if getting through.

springydaffs · 10/08/2014 21:57

Btw, it was a restraining order I took out against my ex, not a non-molestation order.

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 10/08/2014 22:08

God they're back - I'm in bed - he comes up sits by me stroking my arm - looking all forlorn - then he gets comfortable next to me telling me all about his weekend - about his sisters marriage problems - and now he's talking about moving back if that's alright with me! Oh my god :(

He's downstairs making tea to bring up and keep chatting - I'm stunned - he even tried kissing me and joked he was going to do me!! And then pointed out that I was pulling away and that's me not being nice back to him.

Saying the rent on this room could be out to so much good here.

I'm freaked -

OP posts:
Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 10/08/2014 22:10

I'm not in danger btw I'm playing along but just feel sick

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 10/08/2014 22:25

When is the next time you are seeing your solicitor? Have you got your phone if he starts trying to 'do' you?

HanselandGretel · 10/08/2014 22:25

Oh Jesus. He hasn't been reading the thread has he????!

Please don't be bent by any wind, just because he now senses you pulling away and is being nice and conciliatory doesn't mean you have to play along, I see why you are to keep him sweet for now but he'll only throw that at you all the more as 'proof' that you are a scheming so and so later.

whatdoesittake48 · 10/08/2014 22:28

He senses something is up....

Annarose2014 · 10/08/2014 22:29

Remember! Urinary tract infection!!!! You're poorly! You're thinking of going to the doctor next week!

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 10/08/2014 22:36

I once had a uti that spread up to my kidneys. It hurt and lasted a while. Feel free to borrow it.

Darkesteyes · 10/08/2014 23:07

Yes he senses something is different. He says hes going to "do you" God the man is vile!

Says a lot about him though. Says that hes the type who has sex ON a woman rather than WITH her.