How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

[thenamehaschanged]

H rents a room close to his work and comes back to the family home at the weekend (the family home is only 40 minutes max to his work by the way!)
He manages a department, has a lot of responsibility and pressure, has to give presentations daily which he says he hates and works often to about 7.30/8pm after an early start so I am in no way doubting he's busy and stressed at times. There is also a hell of a lot of socialising and boozing pretty much all week with trips to karaoke bars, top restaurants where he is simply the life and soul.
What I get coming through the door at the weekend though is a moody, sullen, withdrawn shell of a man who when asked if ok either doesn't respond or looks at you with mild scorn. He is so resentful, jealous even, that he has to work - and hates me for being more at home with the kids which is where he wants to be. you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Needless to say I can't wait for him to just fuck off back out the door again Monday morning!
He is controlling and abusive and I am going to see a solicitor next week - I have tried to end the marriage many times but his grip just gets tighter. The last occasion was this week, I snapped (again) told him it was over and that I am seeing a solicitor - I won't go on too long about it all but his continual defence of how horrible he is is that (after he's told me that I'm just as abusive which I really really am not) he's stressed, under pressure and doesn't want to be doing this job even though it pays well and comes with lots of perks. It's a job he trained specifically to do, he did leave it for 8 years as there were elements he didn't like, to build his own business which failed (he was an arse then as well) there's no other job he will entertain doing and so he's back doing his old job.
And I am embarrassed to say that here I am totally lobotomised and spaghetti headed, still in the marriage, agreeing to counselling :( which I really don't want to do) and thinking does he have a point. I wouldn't like to have to give loads of presentations for instance.

Good call Anna. Now that's true MN advice.

Thename, you are so inspirational!! I have been reading your thread from the beginning and am so pleased for you that you are doing what you have to do to live a happy and free life. Your children will be fine as I think that with you as their mother, there is no way they couldn't be. I wish you only good - no, GREAT - things for your future!!!

Oh thanks Pepper that was lovely! :)

You know, the kids have totally trashed the house - I'm thinking of not really clearing it up too - leaving a bit of a mess for him have a go over. Scary - guaranteeing a horrible weekend but thinking it could help. Don't know though - I feel like I have such a tight knot of tension in my chest at the thought of seeing him in person.

An untidy house with me 'ill' in bed - wow, his worst nightmare (and mine!)

Well, Name, if you are like me you will tidy up a little bit but still leave it looking "lived in", if you see what I mean....not messy enough to annoy YOU, as you are used to children, but enough to annoy HIM!!!!

Personally I wouldnt leave the mess.

You are so close to escaping, any major change in behaviour on your part may twig him to it and potentially cause problems.

Save your "FUCK. YOU." moment for when you are free of him and you can really enjoy it :)

Bogey has made an excellent point. Yip, just carry on as normal for sure, so he suspects nothing much out of the ordinary. (maybe just one or two toys left lying around....you're sick after all....)

Glad you're okay, onwards and upwards - take one day at a time

thenamehaschanged, you need to be extremely careful to appear exactly normal in every way possible. Controlling, abusive men are at their most dangerous when they think their iron-like grip is loosening. He must have absolutely no inkling. None whatsoever. In whatever way he chooses to appear to you, it is all part of his act. All part of exercising his control over you, so do not be taken in by what he says or does, ever, most especially now when your freedom from him is finally in sight.

Ok yes got it - sensible thinking everyone - I just didn't want the 'nice' act but you're right I would never leave the place a tip - yes it will never be to his exacting standards - but he would definitely be if I hadn't made an effort to clear up.

Bloody lovely being relaxed here with the kids and their friends without him anyway - it's a glimpse of the future!

Your life, your future, is going to be wonderful.

I know what you mean about the "nice" act, patronising twat thinking he is rewarding you for being a good little pet and doing as you are told. Of course it never occurs to them that nice should be normal and that rows and criticism should be a very rare thing.

You are so close, think of it as short term pain for long term gain :)

And I can understand the preference for the wanker to Mr Nice, because at least with the shouting you know where you are, with the nice you dont, you dont know when or if they will flip, you dont know what they will flip out about. Its part of the abuse but far worse than the shouting and verbal abuse because it gets into your soul, makes you doubt your own sanity. Having experienced physical, emotional and sexual abuse I would rather have a smack in face to emotional abuse every time. Bruises to your body heal, bruises to your soul take a lot longer.

Gosh bogey that's terrible :( but so true - h likes the old 'sticks and stones' saying - a bit of name calling has it's place so to speak. Bloody dreadful - I feel good tonight but am so scared of him coming back here - the nice act now, when I'm almost there is just too much to handle.

He's going to so hit back with 'divorce??!! You haven't even tried etc etc' I'm just so glad that it can all go through solicitors and I can keep the no contact as long as possible - the longer the better - it's the only way. Solicitor said to me she gets all the abuse - they tend to get angry at solicitors as well, she's seen so many 'true colours' shine through with these men.

Thanks again pepper

He phoned a bit earlier - he was being lovely - keen to hear we were all having fun, missing his girls, a few funny stories from work to tell me

It's mind games isn't it? He wouldn't normally do that. I mean, I've had a million phone calls with him where he's chatted away like a good friend but that never lasts and it isn't real. 9 times out of 10 he's usually fine with me on the phone. It's when I see him in person that it all changes. My friend said he did that because he knows me and her will be sitting chatting about it all (funnily enough she's in the middle of divorcing an abusive bastard as well!) Urgh them and their bloody mind games!

Yes, it's games. Play along, stay safe , don't be fooled.

Hi name You are doing brilliantly. Previous posters are right. Don't do anything that might alert the twunt.

Remember that unfortunately he doesn't care about you or your feelings. He cares about keeping up appearances so he can continue to play Happy Family Man to the outside world.

Stay safe

the nice act now, when I'm almost there is just too much to handle.

Many of us can relate to that. When the scales have fallen from your eyes, when you realise that you have had enough, you cant wait to say "FUCK YOU, YOU UTTER WANKER, I AM NOT TAKING YOUR SHIT ANYMORE". Especially when you have all your ducks in a row and are just waiting to blast them out of the water. Its like being a kid waiting for Xmas, you know it worth waiting for but the urge to find the presents NOW is almost overwhelming.

Your Xmas day will be here soon, just a few more days.

Solicitor said to me she gets all the abuse - they tend to get angry at solicitors as well, she's seen so many 'true colours' shine through with these men

I saw you on WWK's thread (the one where she got costs awarded), and her solicitor is the bitch incarnate! I think it doesnt help that the the shit hot lawyer is a woman because that just proves to her STBX that he isnt being unreasonable, its just women fucking him over. Your solicitor is paid to take this shit, you are not. Let her do her job :) (Incidentally, I have noticed that family law solicitors seem to more women than men, at least locally, I wonder why that is..........)

It's mind games isn't it?
I am going against the MN grain here because I dont think it is deliberate. I think that people like this (and there are women who do it too) dont even consider what they are doing as wrong. I dont think that they work out the best way to hurt you or keep you on your toes, its a base instinct with them. That of course can be worse because it means that you can never reason with them. People who know what they are doing is wrong and do it anyway could, possibly, be shown the error of their ways. People like your STBX cant see that they are not right all of the time. To accept that would mean turning their universe upside down.

You are doing so well my love, keep the faith, you will get there.

Grit your teeth and get through the weekend safe in the knowledge that you are about to throw a hand grenade into his smug, lying, cheating, stealing, fucking life.

Thanks everyone great post too bogey thanks - you could be right, maybe it isn't mind games, maybe it's him not realising that he is abusive. It's how he's always been with me actually - nice on the phone in the week because of needing something paid/boredom/feeling low but then when he comes through the door he's an arsehole.

I have been reading wwk's thread thanks bogey - it's very well written but I got half way through and thought what her stbx has done to her, I'm about to do to h! You know, divorce papers out of the blue, he's been planning his escape etc. H is going to be the injured party and me the cold bitch

Anyway - I feel better about him coming here this weekend thanks to all you lovely ladies - knowing support is behind you is everything so thank you

I can't wait to be posting here that papers have been served and I'm in a safe place! x

missing his girls my a**e!

if he did he would come home and had dinner with you

he has all those phrases coming out of his mouth and not really considering how mixed all those messages are!

if you miss someone - you don't stay 40 min away on weekdays, I think we can have consensus here that this is unreasonable behavior!

I think people like him assume if they say all the right things world will be on their side, emotional involvement from someone like that is near Zero and that would damage partner and his kids no matter how well he provides financially

I often think that many fathers/mothers aren't mature enough to father kids! They don't understand impact of their words and actions on their kids and immediate family on both sides.

Don't worry about being seen as 'the cold bitch' OP. I bet he is a wanker with others too, albeit less so. A lot more people than you think will be able to see your side and even if they don't. Those that matter don't mind, those that mind, don't matter. Staying away because of a 40 minute commute says it all anyway! Yay for you and your new peaceful, wanker free life!!

I doubt very much that WWW was treating her H the way your H is treating you, nor that he felt he had to "serve and run" because he was afraid she might do something drastic (other than burst into tears!). Also you did tell him in so many words a mere two weeks ago that it's over and you would be seeing a solicitor. That's not exactly out of the blue. So no, the positions are not comparable that way round. The difference is that her H was the first to use the D word, but he was still the person with all the power (up till now!), the money and the extremely bad behaviour. Do not feel guilty.

You sound like a woman coming back to life, thename.

So much respect I didn't really know how to express it!

He's going to so hit back with 'divorce??!! You haven't even tried etc etc' Yes, ok, so you know this. So you can be prepared not to be guilt tripped into taking any backward steps, or steps you don't want to take.

A few stock phrases up your sleeve, (not forgetting the shrugs and the head-tilts…)
I have tried, but I do not wish to try anymore.
I've made my decision.
Sorry you feel that way (shrug)
I do not wish to continue this marriage
See me as the baddy/cold bitch if it helps you (shrug)

Just don't try and argue with any of it, or justify your position