How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

[thenamehaschanged]

H rents a room close to his work and comes back to the family home at the weekend (the family home is only 40 minutes max to his work by the way!)
He manages a department, has a lot of responsibility and pressure, has to give presentations daily which he says he hates and works often to about 7.30/8pm after an early start so I am in no way doubting he's busy and stressed at times. There is also a hell of a lot of socialising and boozing pretty much all week with trips to karaoke bars, top restaurants where he is simply the life and soul.
What I get coming through the door at the weekend though is a moody, sullen, withdrawn shell of a man who when asked if ok either doesn't respond or looks at you with mild scorn. He is so resentful, jealous even, that he has to work - and hates me for being more at home with the kids which is where he wants to be. you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Needless to say I can't wait for him to just fuck off back out the door again Monday morning!
He is controlling and abusive and I am going to see a solicitor next week - I have tried to end the marriage many times but his grip just gets tighter. The last occasion was this week, I snapped (again) told him it was over and that I am seeing a solicitor - I won't go on too long about it all but his continual defence of how horrible he is is that (after he's told me that I'm just as abusive which I really really am not) he's stressed, under pressure and doesn't want to be doing this job even though it pays well and comes with lots of perks. It's a job he trained specifically to do, he did leave it for 8 years as there were elements he didn't like, to build his own business which failed (he was an arse then as well) there's no other job he will entertain doing and so he's back doing his old job.
And I am embarrassed to say that here I am totally lobotomised and spaghetti headed, still in the marriage, agreeing to counselling :( which I really don't want to do) and thinking does he have a point. I wouldn't like to have to give loads of presentations for instance.

I've been reading your posts but haven't posted anything because you're getting great advice from everyone else! Just wanted to say good luck for your appointment

Hi op

I hope your appt is going well

If he does the bathroom trick again count to 3 slowly in your head before responding, practice raising your eyebrows and smiling and nodding skills. This is all about the acting for you now. I get the distinct impression from your posts that he is now in panic mode as his world is crumbling around him.

I wonder about the sisters rent money, don't ask me why but I suspect another woman or even a family somewhere. The fact you don't really know where he stays and have the impression it's a camp bed and sleeping bag doesn't ring true to me.

I think maybe it's about time you or someone else did some digging around on him, ide have googled him to death by now something stinks about all of this with him, I think he is going to get quite stressed out and maybe start displaying some very unusual behaviour even alarming.

Please have an escape plan ready just in case

Hope it went well x

Ve been thinking about you today. Hope it was helpful.

Can you ask your phone provider to transfer your current sim to PAYG and give you a new sim for your current contract? They can be quite helpful when it comes to DV sometimes. That way you can use your new sim for everything except him - don't tell him the new number obviously - and just put your old sim in as and when you have to. You get a paper trail, and less bother. Presumably, at some point he will have to have contact with the children, and all that can be arranged via email/solicitor. You want as much written down as poss.

Hope all is well and you got some useful advice from the solicitor.

Hello!! I did it! That's my first step out the way. The solicitor was lovely actually, really understanding, friendly and knows her stuff - she knows the sort of character we're dealing with as well so I felt instantly supported and understood.

So, I definitely have a case for unreasonable behaviour grounds as we all thought! She agrees for my safety that I should move away to stay with my parents when I file papers as I am at risk - I'm also perfectly legally fine to take the kids away in that time to a safe haven with my parents and am under no pressure to bring them back to see him.
I will also be recommended for a non molestation order at that time too which is great as I will need to return to the house obviously for school.

She agrees me moving out of London, closer to my parents and having all the equity from the sale of the house to buy a cheaper property - but 1. He would need to approve this through court that I can move away from the area and 2. he would still have his share of the equity so when dd2 finishes full time education I would then owe him his share. She said rarely is the share 50% in cases like mine where he is more than full time at work and I'm at home with the kids or working my hours around them. I'm more looking at 65/35 or 70/30.

She did run through all outcomes - best to worst - best no contesting from him and it can all be wrapped up for about £5k at worst he contests everything, it goes right through court and I could be looking at £55k - this is not shared either - that would be £55k each.

That obviously is totally worst case scenario but she had to pre warn me - I think if that happened and it looked like it was just going to drag on I would just stop proceedings and I dunno live rented locally? Can cross that bridge nearer the time. There is also a risk with characters like mine that he may walk out of his job so that he doesn't need to pay me anything. Hopefully unlikely but these people are unhinged and unpredictable.

You hear things like that though and a fleeting thought comes over - this is scary, I could just forget it all - just try and be his friend and keep him happy, keep trying to snuggle up to him even when he's being both physically and mentally dismissive, try and sleep in the same bed as him and pretend it isn't excruciating, turn a blind eye to the moods and the scary atmosphere he's trying to create and the maniac driving, reckon to myself that the kids could do with better discipline than I can give - funny they behave so much better for him. But no, the thought of that is just unbearable - this is what a marriage that has broken down irretrievably looks like I guess and it would be a waste of precious life staying in it - no matter what it costs

Next step is awaiting her letter detailing everything we talked about today which should be with me by Friday.

Well done you brave woman!

Thanks wyrdy she's fine now and back to her normal self!

Good tip re the phone Jux thank you, I'm definitely going to look into all of this when papers get served.

Thanks guilty - yes definitely got my escape plan, albeit temporary but it's a start - I like the idea of googling but I know it's going to his sister as the family are so tightknit, I talk to her, I talk to the mil, I know it's her who's getting the money!

Cripes hope so bland! Thank you :) x

massive progress!
good luck with your planning!

I'm massively relieved your solicitor gets it.

Well done! How are you feeling?

Thanks anti, um dunno garlic, feel back to reality at the moment, sorting the kids dinners and stuff - I want to get on with it but when she she talked 'when they send him their letter saying I have instructed them to act on my behalf etc' I was scared. No doubt about it - that's me removing myself from his grip and taking back control and then running away and hiding.

I guess if anything I just feel like I'm still at the bottom of the mountain, but that I've just put on my hiking boots and checked my equipment

How much it costs should not be the deciding factor. Getting a new life for you and your children is the important thing. I'm cheering for you!

Re the costs, when someone is being a completely obnoxious arsehole, costs have been known to be awarded. So if the judge sees that he is being deliberately awkward in an attempt to control or stop you then he may be made to pay your costs. It can often work as they realise that the more they arse around they more it will cost them not you.

Have you been reading this thread? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2076472-Dear-STBXH?

She got costs awarded on the back of his behaviour!

Well done for today! You sound empowered as well as scared and the solicitor sounds a good match for your needs.

I'd say you put your hiking boots on a while ago, and by what you have achieved today at the solicitors, you have bloody well climbed the first path up the mountain! …you can stand on the edge and look back at how far you've come.

Keep calm and carry on

Haha thanks fantastic! Bogey that's good to know , sounds utterly sensible doesn't it and I will check out that thread as haven't before. Thanks too hansie :)

A friend of mine had an XH who decided it would be terribly clever to give up his job in order to avoid maintenance payments.

The judge took a very dim view of it, awarded my friend all the equity in the house, plus half her XH pension. He eventually decided to go back to work and she was then able to make a CSA claim as it was over a year since the original settlement

Don't let him threaten or scare you OP. The courts have seen it all before.

Oh well done, TNHC! Scary but a step closer to freedom! Do read that Dear STBXH, the op is fantastic and her stbxh is a total idiot. I think it could give you hope and help you see the lighter side of the situation (without minimisng its seriousness).

How are you doing today? Are you ok?

Is everything ok?

Hi there I've been reading your thread and just wanted to say you are amazing and I truly hope you are ok. It must be a very delicate time for you at the moment. It would be lovely to hear how things are going, although I know this thread is probably bottom of your to do list at the moment!

Thoughts and prayers with youxxx

OP, getting a bit worried about you, is everything ok?

Hi everyone thank you for checking in me x I'm absolutely fine at the moment, got my good friend and her 2 DC staying with me so have had my hands full. Haven't seen him obviously as it's the working week - he made some very mealy mouthed comments about me spending HIS hard earned money on wine - so that's exactly what I've been doing

I'm still waiting for the solicitor's letter detailing everything. Feeling strong and right in my decisions still and almost excited - going to be a roller coaster week next week when hopefully I can serve - only thing my parents house move has been held up for a bit - I need to go to theirs for safety obviously so I can't do anything until they have moved

Absolutely Dreading him coming here this weekend though as this in all reality could be the last one - I think I might have to fake illness or something so as not to spend anytime in the family unit - I'm terrified he's going to be 'nice' - I really don't want to see him

Urinary Tract Infection is a nice not-too-specific reason for being a bit out of sorts. Also means you don't have to fake symptoms. Just guzzle cranberry juice and take a hot water bottle to bed for the day!

Haha nice one Annarose