How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

[thenamehaschanged]

H rents a room close to his work and comes back to the family home at the weekend (the family home is only 40 minutes max to his work by the way!)
He manages a department, has a lot of responsibility and pressure, has to give presentations daily which he says he hates and works often to about 7.30/8pm after an early start so I am in no way doubting he's busy and stressed at times. There is also a hell of a lot of socialising and boozing pretty much all week with trips to karaoke bars, top restaurants where he is simply the life and soul.
What I get coming through the door at the weekend though is a moody, sullen, withdrawn shell of a man who when asked if ok either doesn't respond or looks at you with mild scorn. He is so resentful, jealous even, that he has to work - and hates me for being more at home with the kids which is where he wants to be. you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Needless to say I can't wait for him to just fuck off back out the door again Monday morning!
He is controlling and abusive and I am going to see a solicitor next week - I have tried to end the marriage many times but his grip just gets tighter. The last occasion was this week, I snapped (again) told him it was over and that I am seeing a solicitor - I won't go on too long about it all but his continual defence of how horrible he is is that (after he's told me that I'm just as abusive which I really really am not) he's stressed, under pressure and doesn't want to be doing this job even though it pays well and comes with lots of perks. It's a job he trained specifically to do, he did leave it for 8 years as there were elements he didn't like, to build his own business which failed (he was an arse then as well) there's no other job he will entertain doing and so he's back doing his old job.
And I am embarrassed to say that here I am totally lobotomised and spaghetti headed, still in the marriage, agreeing to counselling :( which I really don't want to do) and thinking does he have a point. I wouldn't like to have to give loads of presentations for instance.

You sound like a woman coming back to life, thename.

Oh, yes! You do!

I agree with Bogey that not every abusive move is consciously calculated - it's an inner balancing act with 'moves' sub-consciously calculated, in much the same way as you might make an inner, split-second choice between telling a child off for breaking something or overlooking it as an accident. The product of an abusive mindset, if you like.

Keep on waking up!

Thank you so much everyone

I'm going to have a proper re read of all your words a bit later - had 4 crazy DC to deal with all day so haven't had chance - but I need all the words of wisdom I really do!!

I dreamt last night that I was trying to plan a family Christmas and that h was still with us - it was one of those dreams where you wake up and think Thank Christ it's not real.

I think you're all right when you say I'm probably changing. I have reached the point of no return - even though I'm going to probably collapse next week when I know he has received the papers and I'm going to think oh shit what have i started - the alternative is worse. I've never been at the point of no return before - I always talked myself out of it out of fear and wanting an 'easy' life

We were in a pub earlier and the song playing at the bar when I was ordering food was - it's too late baby now it's too late' and I thought yep - something inside really has died!! Or come alive even?

The reason things like this are called an emotional rollercoaster is because they are.

Right now you are in the queue, its almost your turn and you cant wait. Then, as the ride climbs higher and higher you think "I want to get off!!" but you cant, you have committed. Then come the unexpected ups and downs. After the ride you can remember the fear but are exilerated and so glad you did it.

Op refuge advocates having an emergency bag ready hidden somewhere or at least with a friend or family. May I suggest the kids important toys yr jewellery passports and bank cards at hand and hidden.

As soon as your gone change bank card numbers accounts etc, and if you havnt already check your entitlement with regards to benefits.

Brilliant Bogey - absolutely brilliant analogy thank you I will always think of that!

Thank you Guilty I will. I am lucky in that he is barely ever here so I have the opportunity to do this!

Been really quite today

My friend left so I spent the day cleaning up, dreading H's return.

He phoned just there, he's at Euston station and has decided to go up to Scotland for the weekend! Instantly i felt relieved but he ran through all the reasons of wanting to go up, to play snooker with his dad, see his mates and help his sister out who's got all her marriage woes which then brought him round to us. What's happening with us? We need that third person because of our communication problems.

I couldn't say don't worry we're absolutely great to keep up an act but I explained again that I didn't really want counselling, that I prefer things as they are at the moment (what does he mean "what about us?" - what sort of husband doesn't live at the family home all week then calls from Euston bloody station saying he's away for the weekend??) I said I feel isolated by him, that you know, good piss off to Scotland but a decent husband would have checked it was ok first surely?

And that was it, the rant started - It's me who's got an attitude and is the difficult one and what the hell is all this about me not wanting counselling anyway, why don't i want to sort it out etc

So there we go - at least he isn't going to be here. I was expecting the letter from the solicitor today with all the breakdowns of everything we'd talked about etc but she emailed to apologise that it will have to be Monday now as there'd been some some sort of delay, so I was a bit about that.

And all the bullshit about him missing his girls the other night.....

Ok, I've just read this entire thread and I just want to say how amazing you sound. Hopefully this time next week you'll be free with your dc and you can start building your new life, just you and them. You are doing the right thing! Not just for you but your children as well. Thank God he's fucking off to Scotland this weekend and giving you all some peace. and for you.

Bummer about yhr letter but - he's not there! Yay! Pjs on and wine chilling, ok?!

He actually sounds impossible to talk to! Glad he's fucked off for the weekend, and glad you are not going to attempt counselling with him... for you.

Thanks guys - I thought, I've got to turn to my MN friends!!

Just another thing for the sake of noting it all down here, he started going on about the mortgage payment mishap again and that it was me who had been unreasonable in expecting him to be on top of it! He definitely sounded 'ready' for me on this quick call from Euston. And also he has started being pally with my mum on text. He's been asking her for some ideas for a work thing - so when I told her tonight what he's up to she said oh that's funny, he's been texting her again today all butter wouldn't melt!

I am gutted that I don't have a solicitor letter to read tonight, but thank you for your wishes, I'll definitely have a bit if that I think!!

These 2 girls he misses so much - it'll be a fortnight he won't have seen them by next weekend as he'll go straight back to work from Scotland!

My mums house move is still on hold too - hopefully not too much longer

Hope you're all having nice evenings lovely MN ladies, your words of support and advice have honestly kept me going through this X

Hi 50shades! Thank you

Stay strong Thename Practice your steely look in the mirror....Nah, sod that. Have wine, the arse is in Scotland!

You're welcome, he is crazy. On the plus side, your dc are so used to him not being around that it won't be too big a transition for them when you divorce his sorry arse. Do you have to wait for your parents move, couldn't you just go and stay with them anyway?

Ha thanks Dinnae! You're right 50, his DD's hardly ever mention him - weeks and weeks of his absence just fly by and they don't bat an eyelid!

As supportive as my mum is down the phone, in person she can be quite highly strung sometimes - and as vital as it is that I get out, I really want to do it right - to know I'll get proper support from them when I know he's received a letter from my solicitor - and if they're in the middle of moving home with all the stress that that brings as well, surrounded by boxes and the DC are all loud and over excited it will be horrible - she will flip her lid!

I need them to be settled. It's gutting because they were supposed to have moved today actually. Apparently it won't take too much longer though fingers crossed.

Just stick with it; play the game 50; this will end soon.

You have a whole host of people here reading and supporting you.

You are so close...remember to try and react as you would have done before the scales fell from your eyes.

Sorry - not 50 - name has changed!

Hi name What an arse But
a. he will be out of your hair this weekend.
b, there is NO WAY that any divorce court in the land would not see all this as unreasonable behaviour.

from me

Thanks Ribena I know. I'm trying but he's definitely on to me I think. I was talking to a friend tonight and she was like - god I knew he could be a nutter but he sounds like he's properly going mental now.

It's made me think that's why he's isolated me like this. I just can't believe he is treating me so badly or rather what I mean is I now see how badly he has been treating me and I am shocked.

Just telling me he's off for the weekend. Barely a passing thought about his wife and kids who he hasn't seen since last Saturday night which was a horrible night anyway. He hasn't seen dd2 and she had to have surgery this week. I've got to go back to hospital with her on Monday for a check up which will be a nightmare he also won't be there.

I'm just upset tonight and a bit whingey sorry!! And it's not because I want him here - it's because I know what he is, he's not even human. For us to be disregarded like that and then for him to then start having a go at me at the same time....it's left me feeling really odd. Bit hurt and heartbroken I guess - I'm not sure

Even if you are isolated geographically you still have lots of willing listeners and advisers here. Might make him scratch his head!

He is disgusting namehas Most fathers would be busting a gut to get home to see a child who has had to have surgery.

What he did tonight.....his attitude and his dismissiveness is all part of the abuse.

Selfish nowhere near covers it

Thank you darkest xx

He sounds a bit sociopathic actually.

Yes think so too darkest. that and histrionic and narcissist - all same sort of thing isn't really but he is definitely not right in the head.

I can't help thinking he's going to have a fake breakdown when he gets the solicitors letter and realises he can't contact me. He might try something whacky like getting hit by a car or something to make him go to hospital and then for me to be informed!!! I just can't put anything past him I don't think!

IF and IF he tries something like that which could put himself or others in danger please do contact the Mental Health Team. (cant remember if that is what they are actually called)