How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

[thenamehaschanged]

H rents a room close to his work and comes back to the family home at the weekend (the family home is only 40 minutes max to his work by the way!)
He manages a department, has a lot of responsibility and pressure, has to give presentations daily which he says he hates and works often to about 7.30/8pm after an early start so I am in no way doubting he's busy and stressed at times. There is also a hell of a lot of socialising and boozing pretty much all week with trips to karaoke bars, top restaurants where he is simply the life and soul.
What I get coming through the door at the weekend though is a moody, sullen, withdrawn shell of a man who when asked if ok either doesn't respond or looks at you with mild scorn. He is so resentful, jealous even, that he has to work - and hates me for being more at home with the kids which is where he wants to be. you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Needless to say I can't wait for him to just fuck off back out the door again Monday morning!
He is controlling and abusive and I am going to see a solicitor next week - I have tried to end the marriage many times but his grip just gets tighter. The last occasion was this week, I snapped (again) told him it was over and that I am seeing a solicitor - I won't go on too long about it all but his continual defence of how horrible he is is that (after he's told me that I'm just as abusive which I really really am not) he's stressed, under pressure and doesn't want to be doing this job even though it pays well and comes with lots of perks. It's a job he trained specifically to do, he did leave it for 8 years as there were elements he didn't like, to build his own business which failed (he was an arse then as well) there's no other job he will entertain doing and so he's back doing his old job.
And I am embarrassed to say that here I am totally lobotomised and spaghetti headed, still in the marriage, agreeing to counselling :( which I really don't want to do) and thinking does he have a point. I wouldn't like to have to give loads of presentations for instance.

Dd's weren't too happy with him being here ... they were making jokes about needing to protect me. Bloody tragic.

I think your fears about them being pissed off when you split from their father are completely groundless!

Poor kids. I remember wanting to protect my mother :( You will certainly be doing them a long-term favour

I am sorry but I didn't read all your replies.

If out of his wages you can pay his SIS he mortgage so you can expect him to leave you in your house and get himself a bigger place.

Have you actually seen a solicitor?

I understand that you would prefer to stay where you are but moving away from London is also an option.

ps. I am a single parent and in full-time employment driving an hour and 90 min back to and from my job every single day. 40 min would be a luxury! So he is just pretending to be tired of work and not wanting to do the boring mon-fri work with his kids.
Get all the financial detains in order and start moving towards the rest of your life!

Have a good day tomorrow OP. If he suddenly comes up with a reason why he can't go or you should go too, don't be surprised but try and resist if he does - you could use the space. Haven't you got an awful earache coming on ?

Well have come downstairs to find he's not here! The tv was on which I could hear from upstairs and so was hanging around a bit up there with the kids as didn't fancy seeing him - came down with DD1 and he's gone.

No note. No text. It's good obviously but it's unnerving too. Christ knows what he's up to, whether he'll be back or not or what volly of abuse I'm going to get down the phone because he felt he had to leave as I'm so awful etc.

Thank you for all your kind words, it means everything. I'm not mad - he is. I'm not in the wrong, he is. Hopefully I can eek this out til he gets the divorce papers.

That was a sobering story mumtosome61 - thank you for sharing it, I'm sad for you but that has confirmed I am doing the right thing.

I'm going to have to get the papers served to him at work! I don't know the address of his west end party room, even if I did he wouldn't receive post there, they don't have pigeon holes etc as it's not a flat as such and he would never open post here at the house even if addressed to him. That's going to make me a bitch of the worst kind in his eyes haha!

Morning thename. Yes, he's definitely the mad one!

Will you make sure you're away from him before he gets any papers? Your safety has to come first.

Hi de lurking to say this thread is grt and obviously v useful to you. I like many others I imagine am cheering you on silently from the sidelines.
I had a thought though, you have scattered quite a few snippets of information in your posts which, if read by someone who knows you, could enable them to recognise you. Mn is a very public forum and its likely your thread is up in 'active' a lot of the time.
Mnhq will delete posts if requested. Might be worth reviewing what you've put.
Good luck!

Morning wyrdy, I'm hopefully going to be able to do it next week and go to my parents new place as he has no idea where it is and block him from my phone. He will bombard me if I don't block him. He will also try and call my parents so I will have to see if I can block him from their phones as well.

I will ask the solicitor all about this tomorrow, as being able to maintain no contact is absolutely crucial for me. He won't accept it and I won't be able to return to the house for a while I think.

Thanks for the tip letsgo - I'll have a look through now

good luck OP x

Wow, you don't even know his weekday address? It's incredible you've lived like this for so long, without turning into a pile of badly-set jelly. I'm SO glad you're brining an end to it! Wishing you good speed tomorrow.

Thanks everyone, yeah Garlic, pathetic isn't it!

He has returned and has taken DD1 out to the cinema - he was in the office all day apparently - he knew I didn't want him to come back here - he was playful and upbeat with the kids and kind of heavy hearted with me but thankfully wasn't here long.

I've got all my stuff together for the solicitor, was just having another look at their website, they're part of resolution which I think is good, they also have a domestic violence section so I'm feeling very hopeful.

I want to be in bed when they get back. I just want to avoid getting into any conversations. Or if I do just try and be as neutral as possible I guess?

I am lost for words that you don't know his weekday address. He could be leading double life and you may know nothing about it.

I know. I've been there, I could find the address - it's a front door on a busy street which leads to lots of rooms/bedsits.
But if I got it posted there I wouldn't trust that he would see it. No one knows each other in there, I doubt he would ever think to look through a pile of post in the hallway because he wouldn't be expecting anything. This is just a room with an unmade bed with a sleeping bag on it that he just lays his head on. That's it - if he is shagging then 1. That's fine by me I really don't care and 2. I wouldn't want to be shagged in there!!

I just think practically speaking, it would be far better to have them hand delivered to him at work. Because I know where he works and I know he will be there in the day. He would have to sign for them so there could be no ignoring it.

Harsh but can't think how else to do it.

I hope it goes well with the solicitor tomorrow. It must be a horrendous strain you are under trying to survive whilst he ups the anti.

Thinking of you OP g'luck.

Thanks guys :) I've managed to go to bed and am sleeping with dd2. They came back from the cinema all upbeat and happy - he made himself comfortable and asked 'is it alright if I stay tonight?' I was like, yep sure and then I came up to bed with the kids without acknowledging him.

He's trying to undermine me again isn't he? He's trying to make me feel like I'm being silly.

Hi op

Yes he is if you can accept that this is a game then you will quickly stop second guessing yourself.

Also remember it's only a game if the other person is willing to play. If you refuse to take part in his little scenarios then he will always be on the back foot, everything you describe him doing seems to be engineered to keep you off balance. If you can detach yourself and not care what he wants feels or needs, then you will keep more of you mentally safe.

I have no doubt that he knows exactly what's going on, but will act extremely surprised when you finally serve him the papers, and say you haven t given him any chance to work through things.
Stick to your guns, don't get involved in pseudo psychobabble speak as he is oft to do, and just stay as calm as you can under pressure.

You owe him nothing, he is now in your mind your ex, treat him as such and don't get involved in his drama. Lots of things about him don't add up, and I have no doubt there's some surprises he has yet to dish up. Stay strong and picture the path to freedom in front of you

Just want to say good luck for today, I am one of those silently cheering you on! You're doing great.

Everything Guilrypleasures says - he will try every tactic in the book to delay/stop you divorcing him so detach detach detach. He will probably put a huge effort into being nice to the kids to make you feel guilty but it is really harming them putting up with such a situation.

Good luck x

Good luck from me too.
I hope you get some good advice and can move onwards and upwards.
Fingers crossed for you!

Good luck today.

Good luck for today x

Delurking to say good luck with the appointment.

Thank you so much or all your good wishes everyone - this is so much more than just an anonymous forum! The support is unbelievable.

Guilty - thank you your post was fantastic and totally sums it all up.

My solicitor appt is 2.30 - had to move it forward because have been at the hospital with dd2 (injured fingernail needing a general anaesthetic to fix!) thankfully my mum is here with me now so I can go off and have my appointment.

He was a twat this morning - had a moan at me for getting some water on the bathroom floor after my shower - actually called me back into the bathroom to point it out - knowing that dd2 was going into hospital for minor surgery.

I know I know, it's all about detaching, and not playing the game like guilty said but it's soo hard when you're here alone with him in the moment. I'm really trying though.

Will be back with an update from the solicitor xx

Don't worry about how you react, or get things done, at the moment. You just need to keep going, by whatever means, until you're out of there.
I'm really sorry to hear about your dd, hope she's on the mend soon.
Good luck today.
Thinking of you