How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

[thenamehaschanged]

H rents a room close to his work and comes back to the family home at the weekend (the family home is only 40 minutes max to his work by the way!)
He manages a department, has a lot of responsibility and pressure, has to give presentations daily which he says he hates and works often to about 7.30/8pm after an early start so I am in no way doubting he's busy and stressed at times. There is also a hell of a lot of socialising and boozing pretty much all week with trips to karaoke bars, top restaurants where he is simply the life and soul.
What I get coming through the door at the weekend though is a moody, sullen, withdrawn shell of a man who when asked if ok either doesn't respond or looks at you with mild scorn. He is so resentful, jealous even, that he has to work - and hates me for being more at home with the kids which is where he wants to be. you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Needless to say I can't wait for him to just fuck off back out the door again Monday morning!
He is controlling and abusive and I am going to see a solicitor next week - I have tried to end the marriage many times but his grip just gets tighter. The last occasion was this week, I snapped (again) told him it was over and that I am seeing a solicitor - I won't go on too long about it all but his continual defence of how horrible he is is that (after he's told me that I'm just as abusive which I really really am not) he's stressed, under pressure and doesn't want to be doing this job even though it pays well and comes with lots of perks. It's a job he trained specifically to do, he did leave it for 8 years as there were elements he didn't like, to build his own business which failed (he was an arse then as well) there's no other job he will entertain doing and so he's back doing his old job.
And I am embarrassed to say that here I am totally lobotomised and spaghetti headed, still in the marriage, agreeing to counselling :( which I really don't want to do) and thinking does he have a point. I wouldn't like to have to give loads of presentations for instance.

Well as he has a rented room he is already housed seperately isn't he? Presumably you can stay where you are for now without him - is there enough equity to downsize etc. as part of the divorce settlement?

Geez his sister well words aren't enough are they...

Thanks Jux. I know Random - Just awful people who all believe they are wonderful! Can't believe up thread there I was worrying about MIL when the way her children have turned out is pretty much down to her spoiling them, not materialistically but by never saying no, never really putting them in their place when they were rude, treating them like royalty, waiting on them, and she's still doing it now.

There is enough equity for me to downsize but because we're in London there's not really anything decent in my price range. Prices here are just ridiculous. I was at what ex council high rise flats are going for. I'm not a snob but I don't want that. I want a little house and a garden for us but that will mean moving out of London and relocating the kids again which he won't be happy about and nor will they as they've settled into their new school now and we all joked about never moving again because it's stressful! And it's crap being the newbies.

So I was thinking of moving 15/20 minutes away, driving them to primary school here every day but then going to a catchment secondary local to where we would move to. About 10 kids from their primary went to the local secondary this year, with all the others going to totally different places so that could be an option.

He could afford to pay the mortgage for us here (not on time every month obviously so that would be a major stress for me if there's no contact) I would get back to work after the summer as well but I couldn't afford it myself here, also the house is really run down and needs a lot of work doing to it.

I don't know. He won't want the house sold, I know that much.

He can't have everything he wants though as his mum won't be in charge of this

I don't think he'll have a choice will he? You can't afford the mortgage on your own so it will have to be.

Only problem with commuting them back to school is it will reduce the ability of you working. Short term that is an option though so they don't have to face that as well. However I would prioritise buying where they would get into a decent secondary and the whole divorce buying & reselling could take a couple of years if he's not going to co-operate.

As for house prices I live in commuter belt and we're relocating far far away to buy a larger home and reduce our mortgage. I wasn't sure if you could really remain so close by and afford catchment to a decent secondary?

Yes agree Random - I'm going to have a look now, I wouldn't want the pressure of getting into a grammar and then they don't for instance. I would need a place reasonable distance between london so he can see them fairly easily and the kent coast where my parents are, which is affordable, good schools and where thee would be jobs for me too!

Because with no support around me I don't think I'd want to be commuting in to London everyday away from them at school. I don't think.

You can probably get a mesher order of you want to stay put. That way he will have to keep his name on the mortgage but the house will be signed over for your sole use until youngest DC leaves full time education.
Then, and only then, you sell the house and split the equity or one of you buys the other out.

Depending on his pensions, you may get more than 50% of the equity.

This will all become much clearer when you see the solicitor.

With 2 DC he will have to pay you a minimum of 20% of his take home pay. I you extend the mortgage or make it interest only, you may find you can pay it. Also if you work 16 hours or more a week you can get tax credits. I was amazed when I split with DH how much I could claim in tax credits as i worked p/t then.

Don't worry too much until the solicitor has given you your options.

Thanks for that Hampton, yes I have been doing the Entitledto benefits calculator and it really is amazing how much tax credits are.

Yes I don't really want the hassle of relocating but I'm just not 100% sure at the moment that I would want to be totally reliant on him for the roof over my head. I mean I know he will be anyway, but if I downsized then things would be more manageable for me if he couldn't pay me on time because he hadn't done his time sheets or he loses his job?

All stuff for the solicitor I know!

I don't think he's going to be financially reliable at all as I think he will do everything possible to carry on controlling you.

My sis lives in the Sevenoaks/Tunbridge Wells area: it's only 30 mins by train to Waterloo/London Bridge/Victoria, there are excellent state schools, and it's convenient for the Kent coast.

I totally understand your reasons for not wanting to move out of London but there are benefits - more space, less traffic, less stressful etc...

Yes Thanks twink I was thinking maybe Sevenoaks, I've got a friend there actually, or Bromley or even Canterbury which is much more affordable because of the high speed rail.

Got to meet him for a meal with the kids a bit later. He called earlier being nice, doing the weary sounding I miss my DC, just want a beer and to relax and see you all routine. I'll do this, play it neutral and then do my own thing tomorrow I think

Yes I think I agree Random, he hasn't made life easy for me when I've been his wife so he's not suddenly going to start being reliable when I divorce him!

Sorry meant Canterbury is affordable and has a high speed train link. Also v close to my parents and has a vibe going on there. Hmm quite liking the idea I think!

Night from hell. Utter hell and now he's here in the house, upstairs watching a film on his laptop up in my room. So, met him at the restaurant, it soon became apparent that he had it in for me, really went to town about the mortgage payment. it was horrible, he got that nasty dilated pupil glare going at me - he was not having it all that he was at fault (by the way I didn't say a word. I didn't bring it up and I tried to play it down when I realised what he was doing. I stood my corner as best I could but it was futile, absolutely pointless. He wants a third party to witness our 'arguments' to see how 'mental' I am.

No argument, just me trying to pacify and him sitting there either ranting or shaking his head at my mental ness, he even mangled to well up at one point about how much stress he's under. This is someone who was out until 4am last night, posh posh restaurant all paid for, as much as he can drink - but he hates it. Absolutely hates it apparently

Managed not mangled to well up!

Oh dear!

Just keep telling yourself this is nearly over.

Make it a mantra if it helps.

virtual hand holding.

Oh god, seriously this is my husband
I think I'm just a little bit further down the line than you
It's hell.
He has at least 2 v late nights a week, but cries about how tired he is, how stressed he is and how much he hates it

And the money thing! My H has owed thousands in taxes, firstly because he never got a NI number, then because he never filled in self assessment forms.
And he wastes thousands
Gets taxi to work everyday because he's so important

Everything is my fault

Thanks guys, ppaka yep sounds very similar.

God wish he wasn't here - he was almost going to just leave at the restaurant but didn't. Decided to stay instead. Brought an atmosphere into the house as well obviously. I did point out to him in the restaurant, when he was going on about the same thing over and over, that he was behaving unreasonably and that his point had been made - it silenced him for all of a minute before he started again.

Honestly without this thread and without all your really kind input, I'm not sure what I would do. I would be as I always used to be. Lost in the abuse fog. I sat there tonight thinking, yep, they're gonna love this on mumsnet, they would totally see what you're doing you arsehole!

When he first net us tonight he suggested meeting his brother and his new girlfriend tomorrow for lunch. I agreed to and so he called his brother to pencil it in. Well, now this has happened, where I have 'abused' him and he is the wronged one, he's now going to take the girls out himself early for the whole day, me totally not included

good let him take the girls away for the day.it will give you time to gather your thoughts and prepare for solicitor visit.
prepare for him to change his mind tomorrow tho!!!

Sorry you've had such a horrible evening thename :(

I'm glad you're recording things here, especially if it helps you stay focused.

I suppose you could offer some fake sympathy or whatever he thinks he's entitled to, just to keep him off your back. Your goal is to get safely out of there, and from the sound of it, you'll never get any sense out of him, or any kind of reasonable response.

If he's off out with the girls tomorrow, will that give you some time to yourself, at least?

Thanks yes think you're right lecto, I'll just let them go tomorrow (with outfits organised beforehand obviously - that would be a step beyond for him in the morning!) go get myself a shirt and just get my thoughts prepared.

In a way I'm glad this is all happening, serves as a healthy reminder for me, although the minute he receives divorce papers he will be furious that i didn't want to go down the whole counselling route. Jacked it all in without the 'third party' he's been desperate for. The third party that could have shown me the error of my ways.

Hi wyrdy! Yes I'm going to try and enjoy time for myself tomorrow. I have absolutely no idea what tomorrow morning is going to bring. I think I will just lay them out two outfits before going to sleep with dd as there's no way I can sleep in my own bed and then just let them go for it. Dd's weren't too happy with him being here by the way. They could tell he was being aggressive in the restaurant and they were making jokes about needing to protect me. Bloody tragic.

Yes, let him take the kids out tomorrow and you can have some peace and get paperwork together.

I don't think he really wanted to leave the restaurant alone at all - I think he wanted to go to the brink to upset you but ultimately, he'd rather come back to the house and make you miserable some more. It's like the job. He says he hates it but if he hated it as much as he says, he'd have come home long before now and said 'listen, TNHC, we're going to need an escape plan because I will crack up if I stay in this job any longer. I'm going to give them my notice by the end of the month and I need to work out how we can survive some other way'. Rather, he likes being able to hold it over you head that he does it all for you.

In fact, on that note, when he does get the divorce papers, you can meet whatever he says with 'Given that I am apparently so awful to you, I don't see the point of trying counselling or anything else, in fact I would think you'd be glad to end things'.

Fingers crossed for Monday for you and a calm day tomorrow.

God it does sound a hideous evening, and I think counselling with him would be dreadful, he can be as cross as he likes but you're right not to. There is no point now anyway, your mind is made up. Hope you benefit from some peace tomorrow

Your posts could have been written two decades ago about my Dad. Most of what you and other posters have identified was his typically emotional abuse/neglect of me, my brother and my mother. He was stressed from work, withdrawn, aggressive, always ready to blame everyone rather than himself, manipulated and controlled us all and yet in spite of this, never left until he finally found another woman who was equally as vile as he was.

Growing up was hell for us all and we noticed how badly my Dad treated us. He was like your husband - gregarious and always willing to socialise, working away from home/staying away from home on work engagements and everyone else thought the sun shone out of his arse. At home it was very, very different - to the point that when he left, a neighbour suggested that it was my Mum's fault, rather than my Dad's infidelity (that we didn't find out about until five years later) and inflated sense of self worth.

It has fucked me up for life - it's fucked up my brother too although he's not as vocal about it.

Every second that you wonder whether the hard work, bullying tactics, emotional manipulation, arguments, loneliness, stress and having to split your children from their father is worth it - please remember that it IS worth it; for you and your children, your sanity, your future and because you all deserve better.