How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

[thenamehaschanged]

H rents a room close to his work and comes back to the family home at the weekend (the family home is only 40 minutes max to his work by the way!)
He manages a department, has a lot of responsibility and pressure, has to give presentations daily which he says he hates and works often to about 7.30/8pm after an early start so I am in no way doubting he's busy and stressed at times. There is also a hell of a lot of socialising and boozing pretty much all week with trips to karaoke bars, top restaurants where he is simply the life and soul.
What I get coming through the door at the weekend though is a moody, sullen, withdrawn shell of a man who when asked if ok either doesn't respond or looks at you with mild scorn. He is so resentful, jealous even, that he has to work - and hates me for being more at home with the kids which is where he wants to be. you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Needless to say I can't wait for him to just fuck off back out the door again Monday morning!
He is controlling and abusive and I am going to see a solicitor next week - I have tried to end the marriage many times but his grip just gets tighter. The last occasion was this week, I snapped (again) told him it was over and that I am seeing a solicitor - I won't go on too long about it all but his continual defence of how horrible he is is that (after he's told me that I'm just as abusive which I really really am not) he's stressed, under pressure and doesn't want to be doing this job even though it pays well and comes with lots of perks. It's a job he trained specifically to do, he did leave it for 8 years as there were elements he didn't like, to build his own business which failed (he was an arse then as well) there's no other job he will entertain doing and so he's back doing his old job.
And I am embarrassed to say that here I am totally lobotomised and spaghetti headed, still in the marriage, agreeing to counselling :( which I really don't want to do) and thinking does he have a point. I wouldn't like to have to give loads of presentations for instance.

I hope all goes well on Monday, OP, and that you can get out of this relationship and start living a happy life asap. You're amazing, remember that.

Delurking to say shit mums don't (extremely bravely) do what you're doing. Makes you a pretty great mum in my book.

Dcs need unstructured down time too, without someone hovering over them. You are being a great mum!

It is a diabolical mindfuck about his mindfulness of sister's payment/deadlines. It rather tips his hand there, imho.

Ah thank you everyone - hi smite, hi well well - feel better now - was struggling to keep my eyes open back then! Girls are now playing dressing up with their (poor) hamsters - that's something I probably wouldn't have 'structured' til the last few days of the hols haha!

Thanks Band - he might well have been asked for the money I think - actually no maybe not because he had to have a think about a decent amount (£500) so maybe us paying the mortgage at the end of the month jolted his memory, I don't know. Prick.

I used to be envious and feel left out of him and his sister/family sometimes but then he would deliberately make me feel like that. Like he would always take their side, never mine. I really don't care anymore actually - I have let myself down in the past and said horrible things about her in heated arguments, especially if a bit pissed I know it all came from a place of hurt and me trying to hurt him back - but he will always bring it up and maintain i slagged her off because I'm not a very nice person and have ishoos

Anyway, Divorce, cut contact, divorce, cut contact. Roll on Monday

Just be very careful in the meantime. He sounds like a twat.

If he's unhappy at arriving home, then perks up when he's due to go back to work... then I would say that there is more to his ' room' than meets the eye.

If it were me I would arrange babysitting once in a while and pay him 'surprise' visits.

I think I'd have had a few words to say about his sister too, if only because of the privileged position she's in compared with you. Her rent paid by your H, on a home not really commensurate with her needs or income - while you have to wake up every month on mortgage day without enough funds in the bank.

It's mad.

He's covering rent on a room as well, isn't he. Does he sort that out or do you have to remind him to pay that too?

I pay it wyrdy I control everything from the online bank!

I will have to set it up as a standing order actually as he would never know to pay it (or maybe I should just not bother) - he is going to go down the tubes isn't he!

You know, when his business failed I moved us out of where we were living because we could no longer afford it into a horrible, dark basement flat which had an itchy carpet. I had a newborn, a 2 year old, an absent yet abusive husband, no family around me for support, bailiffs threatening to turn up and a hefty dose of PND. We had nothing. My maternity bras were faded second hand ones from ebay and I wore them long after I needed a maternity bra. he wasn't rallying around to help us. He wasn't welling up at our situation and determined to sort it out even though fully capable. He could easily have just stopped what he was doing and gone back to his old job, but no, he needed to properly run me into the ground first.

Honestly him and his family are just such wankers! sorry it's making me really angry!! She sits there in a plush new build home that she can't afford, with her mother basically raising her 3 kids for her she's so lazy, taking out payday loans so she can hit the town with her friends on a Saturday night, has a personalised number plate - and I can't say a word about it. And he gets emotional about her!

Arghh!

This is good for me to write this down - but also very shameful reading it back and what I tolerated. I mean, I didn't happily tolerate it, I was miserable but I felt so trapped. I didn't know about women's aid then. I couldn't have gone to the council because we owned property that we couldn't have sold because of a huge redemption penalty at the time and my parents had moved abroad

Needless to say I've got the on the go now! He may well not turn up tonight which would be bliss

Fingers crossed, then - though it must be enervating not to know.

There's no shame in having "tried to make it work", btw. We all do the best we can with what we know/have at the time. The important thing is that you've woken up now; the passage through to the right side of the looking glass is rarely easy - and always feasible :)

Yaaayy! He's staying out and has to work for a while tomorrow

Thank you Garlic Augustus - is that a new Garlic or the old one?!

Just got off the phone to him there though, I couldn't help being detached and slightly sarcastic, and he couldn't help telling me that I don't appreciate him or how hard he works and that we were both to blame for yesterday's mortgage mishap.

Yeah whatever loser I'm going to get my solicitor questions sorted tonight I think!

Fantastic! Have a lovely evening off from twat-tastic arse face.

Oh, you sound GOOOOOD!

Yeah, I get a fresh garlic every month

enjoy your evening!

Thanks wellwell :) x

Haha! Thanks Garlic! Sitting here forming my solicitor list of questions/concerns - front door locked and bolted, kids playing upstairs, - feeling happy and positive :)

Are you sure he's not paid on the dot every month but into a different account, and then has to transfer it into the account you know about? Have you seen his payslips? I just find it very odd that his employer has to be reminded to pay him every month, and wonder if actually he's just set somehting up which is another means of controlling you and keeping you stressed.

You are nearly at Monday, and have only half a weekend to put up with him until then. Keep On Keeping On but be very careful!

I know what you're saying Jux, a few people up thread have wondered the same, and normal, sound of mind people would ponder it - but he just mentally is not capable of setting himself up a bank account and being financially deceptive. I seriously shit you not. I'm amazed he manages to wipe his arse properly. Don't get me wrong, he's very able and capable at doing his job, but that really is it - it's like we got together and slowly but surely - I ended up his mum!

And he gets paid like that at the moment because he is still freelancing for them. He has a contract that is just being finalised and when signed off he will be in the paye system. Still no excuse though, he's been there since March.

You're brillyant!!!!

I still can't believe you're having to pay out for your own mortgage, his room, and his sisters rent each month!

If you control the online banking are you able to start squirrelling some money away into an account in your name? Be useful to have some funds for solicitor etc.

And don't lift a finger from him in terms of setting up standing orders or anything. His problem, he can sort it. The man is a complete arse.

Yes thanks fluffy already have ! Been squirrelling enough away to hopefully cover divorce and a tiny bit left over - hope so anyway!

Thanks Charley :) x

Right yes fluffy I get you as well, time to leave him to his own devices now isn't it? He can come looking for me to sort things for him once he knows I want it over, but I'll just keep having to block him I guess. (P.s have absolutely no idea how I'm going to achieve all of this! Still needing that legal advice!)

Not long until you get it, now. Hope you get through the w/e OK and it's not too hard.