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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

About to loose everything

176 replies

Blossomflowers · 29/04/2014 15:10

I need some wise words to stop me jumping of the nearest bridge. Last year spilt with long term partner of 20 years in December ( I asked him to leave) since spilt was coping getting on with life. Even dating ( have another thread) anyway fast forward few weeks life has turned on its head, suffered a break in, car stolen, having extreme bad luck with work so am totally financially screwed atm. Also been seeing X again, which oddly has been really nice. I am in a total mess, actually could not get out of bed this morning, am really really down and do not know what to do or who to turn too. Some wise words please

OP posts:
yorkierocks123 · 29/04/2014 15:23

well you will be fine - you have had some setbacks but try to see them in proportion.

Sometimes when everything breaks down - job losses etc it ends out working in your favor. This could be the best thing that has happened to you with hindsight.

Try to calm down.

Then make a plan - you have got through so much already you can get through this too!!!

Sorry in rush but you will be alright if not in fact good.

hellsbellsmelons · 29/04/2014 15:26

Firstly - stop seeing the Ex.
I remember your posts and he is not a nice person. Just because he is being nice, remember all the other crap and realise you are better off away from him. He is screwing with your head which is just making everything seem worse.

Then get to CAB and make sure you are getting everything you are entitled to with regards to housing and benefits.

Then contact WA and get on the freedom programme to rid yourself of useless men.

I know these aren't wise words but you know what to do about your Ex, we told you before.

I'm so sorry you are feeling so low, maybe a trip to the GP, get a referral for some therapy sessions?

Jan45 · 29/04/2014 15:27

You must stop seeing the ex, he's no good for you, until you realise this then your head is going to be permanently fuzzed, you know this already. Get back on the dating scene and move on from him, he'll drag you down again.

LisaMed · 29/04/2014 15:37

In haste -

hugs

ditch the ex

consider how best to use counselling/ads (or not!)

Do things that stop your mind whirling (counted cross stitch worked for me)

Take exercise as possible, try a walk

break things down to the smallest possible increments. Make lists and only take one very small thing at a time. I used to make a list about phoning someone that started, 'find number, pick up receiver, dial number...'

Understand that this is normal. It's like a high shelf full of books has fallen on you. You keep getting another thump on the head. Your reaction is normal, reasonable and if you were in control and finding it easy then there would be something wrong with you. People react stronger than this just to a break in, and you have had lots of attacks on who you are.

hugs

These are all suggestions. I have faith that you will manage. I understand that now is horrifically tough. Keep posting. hth

hugs

morley19 · 29/04/2014 16:01

LisaMed

Just wanted to say I'm sure your post will have helped the OP as it has certainly helped me too (sorry I'm not hijacking, have got my own thread). Very wise words.

Blossomflowers - so sorry for what you're going through. You will be OK, I think you know that deep down, the fact you've come on here for help means you don't really want to jump off that bridge :)

Ditch the ex, he's an ex for a reason and is just giving you added complication that you really don't need in your life at the moment

Hang in there, the only way is up

xx

morley19 · 29/04/2014 16:03

And I would definitely recommend accessing some counselling, it really will help you through all this and give you some perspective.

Good luck x

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 29/04/2014 17:10

I tried counselling and made things, as she pointed I have been through so much, would be enough to crack someone up. Brilliant

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossomflowers · 29/04/2014 17:25

Sadly I got so desparate re money that I asked to borrow some money to tide me over, the silence for the past week is telling. Sad I really do not know how we will manage until insurance money comes in or client pays me, which ever comes first. I wake up panicking about this.

OP posts:
LisaMed · 29/04/2014 17:41

Back from after school stuff with what I hope are helpful suggestions.

The money saving expert forums are great at working at money, here

It will feel like a massive, huge, impossible Everest. It's possible if you look at it one step at a time. And it is okay to come on here and go arrrrgggghhhhh!

I've linked in the money because you can look at one tiny thing at a time and maybe give yourself a bit of a financial makeover - in small steps. You can maybe work at different ways at handling this sort of crisis if/when it happens again. Personally I found looking at the really small stuff and just dealing with the big stuff as I had to helpful, because it is more manageable.

hugs

re ex - I think you know deep down that he is not good for you, but he is familiar and safe and you know where you are with him (not in a good place, but it's a known place). When all is going crazy it is normal human nature to reach for the familiar. It isn't always helpful. Have you got something useful around to hit whenever you think of him? Cushions or mattresses are good.

hugs

could you try doing very small steps to some some affordable, easy healthy living. This is from a very unhealthy couch potato, but if it is small and easily achievable then not only will you get a bit healthier but you will have a tiny bit of control over a very chaotic and difficult time.

Keep posting. I'm not nearly as good as the women on here, there is loads of good advice and help. Take care of yourself.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 29/04/2014 18:04

Thanks lisa Re money it is more of a cash flow problem, what with all that has happened my earning have gone down, just how to get through the next week really and then just be careful.
I am off to friends tonight who have known us for 14 years sure they will put me right.
I have been reading loads and watching box set of Lost helps me relax. Just have moments of being totally overwhelmed and alone, hence talking to X I suppose.

OP posts:
LisaMed · 29/04/2014 19:23

The money thing could be good displacement stuff. I write fiction. What I found helped me is finding something, anything that I could turn my energies to instead of going into destructive behaviour. I had really clean cupboards at one point and an empty ironing basket - anything to keep me occupied. If it something that will keep your ex out of your head, so much the better.

You are coping a lot better than many. Give yourself credit. Good luck.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 30/04/2014 08:24

Thanks lisa mornings seem worse, Your ideas are good just wish I could motivate myself, house is a tip, lawns so high expecting to see man in pith helmet stalking tigers. Each morning I wake up and think oh no not another day I absolutely hate hate my life.
Had 2 long texts from X telling me how he was really enjoying a film and asking me how I was, wanted to reply oh fuck off but did not reply at all. Actually hate him this morning, sorry for rant

OP posts:
LisaMed · 30/04/2014 08:43

Not replying will wind him up.

btw - that is pretty cruel of him. Those texts are to someone known to be in a bad place and certainly not able to go out to get a dvd or cinema ticket. Not nice.

Suggestion (I know how hard it is, honest) that you look for something that can be done in five minutes. Then another something. Don't worry about getting it perfect or starting where you 'ought' to start. Just start in the middle.

These are just suggestions that worked for me, and everyone is different. The thing that I think will really help is small achievements (mine was changing the loo roll at one point), doing stuff that you can focus on and stop your mind whirring round and doing anything you can to ignore a very cruel ex.

Whenever you feel like contacting him, post on here instead. And share what he sends so we can tell you clearly what a nasty piece of work he is.

Good luck.

LisaMed · 30/04/2014 08:45

btw there is no Law of Parliament that says a lawn has to be done all at one time. If you have to do a small bit at a time, just do a small bit at a time. DS is, imo, old enough to take care of the lawn but perhaps stroppy enough not to make it worthwhile arguing about it at the moment.

hugs

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 30/04/2014 16:21

Find myself car less again as Insurance company now written my car off so garage taken the courtesy car back. We are in the middle of nowhere, 10 miles to the nearest supermarket 10 miles. I really hope things start to go right soon.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossomflowers · 01/05/2014 00:19

So stupidly called X, pretty no one else to call though. Went to, supermarket and cooked dinner, at least dinner was eaten. He is pretty messed up in the head, I am very worried for his MH, has just left now. Feeling sad for him actually and a bit for myself.

OP posts:
MexicanSpringtime · 01/05/2014 03:06

I'm afraid this sounds very trite, but I find that, in the hard times, it helps to run through everything that is good in my life before I go to sleep and when I wake up. Even the fact that the sun has came up again is a blessing.
Hang in there, the only way is up

LisaMed · 01/05/2014 08:34

Feeling sorry for yourself (within reason) is okay.

Do you remember how cruel and unpleasant he has been? This is his best chance to get you back paying the bills and cooking the meals. If you rely on him you will go back to how it was eighteen months ago, except he will know he can get away with more because you came back.

I suppose I'm not his greatest supporter.

What is he doing to get himself better re MH?

Many years ago I was admitted to a Mental Health Ward. The people there were divided clearly between those who wanted to get better and those who didn't.

Only you will know how things would work out with ex, but after he left you to try and drive your ds with that bad shoulder my attitude to his mental health problems wouldn't be that sympathetic.

No matter what happens, keep posting. You sound v isolated. Next time you feel like contacting him try posting here or on chat or have a look at some of the Classics threads. Make human contact with someone else. See what happens. You may find that you can make it work with ex, or you may just leave him behind.

Good luck

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 01/05/2014 11:12

Thanks lisa feeling a little better today, car insurance settled this morning, payment should be with a few days. I am trying to figure out how to pick DS from school is a challenge. umm

X is under close supervision with doctor, trying new meds, as much as he has been a dick a lot is down to MH issues and at least he is seeking help. I will not be contacting him today, will take each day as it comes. Despite his MH I am very angry with him atm

OP posts:
Jan45 · 01/05/2014 11:18

Hi Blossom, glad things are starting to look up.

For as long as you call him, rely on him, have him round, have sex with him you will never be free to be yourself and you will always feel down because he was initially the person who brought nothing but misery to you. I can't stress enough if you need support and someone to talk to, call anyone bar him, he didn't and still won't make you happy.

LisaMed · 01/05/2014 11:35

Forget the ex, the wheels are the big thing.

No advice but when DH wrote off the car (low slung bollards - long story) we got the money quite quick. Don't be afraid to chase them. Do you know where you will be getting your next one?

I worry about being so anti your ex when you may feel different, but is he telling you about his MH problems and telling you about getting help or is he actually wanting to get better. The two are not identical. Speaking as someone with permanent MH problems, wanting to get better is very different from talking about how much you are suffering with those MH problems.

My suggestion is focus on the wheels and perhaps one small corner of something you want to achieve and perhaps go for a walk and look after yourself. You are worth looking after and you have had a battering.

My favourite classics thread - hope it makes you smile

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 01/05/2014 11:37

Jan I know. But I am very very worried about his safety now, if he killed himself I would never forgive myself but saying that now sure what I can do, not a lot I suppose. We have a 21 year history not so easy to just shut off feeling. He can be so lovely, sadly there is his evil twin and he always rears his ugly head.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossomflowers · 01/05/2014 11:41

Lisa LOL. Wheels well they have issued payment so should be with me on Tuesday, but they have taken courtesy car back, so find myself yet again on bank holiday weekend with no transport, no food in the house or a way to get DS to school. Know temp but horrible isolating feeling

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossomflowers · 01/05/2014 12:05

Right taking your advice, just had a text from him saying Hi Love and news. Grits teeth and gets on with work.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 01/05/2014 12:08

I get that Blossom but try finding a good friend to turn to in times of trouble, not him.