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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

About to loose everything

176 replies

Blossomflowers · 29/04/2014 15:10

I need some wise words to stop me jumping of the nearest bridge. Last year spilt with long term partner of 20 years in December ( I asked him to leave) since spilt was coping getting on with life. Even dating ( have another thread) anyway fast forward few weeks life has turned on its head, suffered a break in, car stolen, having extreme bad luck with work so am totally financially screwed atm. Also been seeing X again, which oddly has been really nice. I am in a total mess, actually could not get out of bed this morning, am really really down and do not know what to do or who to turn too. Some wise words please

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DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 14/05/2014 13:32

Okay as long as she wasn't piling pressure on you. As an outsider she can look at this more dispassionately, (not sure that's the word I mean).

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 14/05/2014 13:53

donkey not at all she is more my friend than his,, just concerned as he was odd. Have a relate appointment booked for tomorrow.

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Original poster
Blossomflowers · 14/05/2014 13:58

lisa if you are going to have a hangover at least have a drink Grin yea just call me miss fix it all

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LisaMed · 14/05/2014 14:03

I'm wondering if I have a hangunder and a huge appointment with alcohol tonight lol

Sending loads of hugs. It is really hard to be in that position. Hopefully relate will help get you on the right path. Keep posting if you need to.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 14/05/2014 14:31

I do not know what to expect with Relate, anyone got experience with this?

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DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 14/05/2014 14:44

Sorry I haven't. According to MN I gather Relate counsellors can be a mixed bag but they can help a split be more tolerable.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 14/05/2014 14:54

I have done nothing like this before but am desperate and hope she can help me sort out why I feel I want to save his sorry ass despite all the horrid things has say and done and why I still love him. He does not deserve my love.

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DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 17/05/2014 09:53

Checking in how was Relate on Thursday Blossom were you okay talking about things?

And how are you this morning?

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 20/05/2014 12:18

Donkey Relate was ok. Conclusion was XP is mentally ill and needs a proper diagnosis but I am not a position to make that happen. Am feeling pretty crap right now, feeling totally and utterly over whelmed by everything. Had a visit today on behalf of mortgage company as have arrears, seems everyone wants something and now Sad

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mistlethrush · 21/05/2014 09:39

If you talk to them and work out a plan will this sort the arrears problem out?

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 21/05/2014 13:07

Mistle Yes sure they will. I am 3 months in arrears but can pay this months installment. Things are looking better @ work, just need co complete a couple of deals and would be back on track. Feeling a bit better in myself today, having massive lows though. Must through myself into work as that will help.

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LisaMed · 21/05/2014 14:20

Still sending good vibes.

btw have you seen the MoneysavingExpert.com forums? There are some useful tips on there. I am not in your position, I usually look at things from a housewife's perspective, but there are some good ideas for all sorts, and a forum just about Mortgages, so it may be useful.

Take care

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 21/05/2014 17:08

Thanks lisa Money is a stress and it becomes a vicious circle, normally I am very good @ my job been self employed for 14 years but life has been so shit that I have ever so slightly lost the plot.

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Original poster
Blossomflowers · 22/05/2014 11:26

I hate myself so much today, invited X around for a meal last night, ( I know) we were having a lovely evening until he got pissed and turned on me, saying he will never live with me ( I did not ask him to) how he will never forgive me for sleeping with another man after we split. Actually did not want to come over and did not want to be here. I lost my temper and and upshot he left and went back to his place. Then got text saying he loves me. Fuck he is doing my head in. I feel so bloody miserable. Why do allow myself to be treated like this. Sad Angry

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mistlethrush · 22/05/2014 12:16

Draw the line. You can't do the 'being friends and being there for him' if he goes and throws it in your face. And then goes back on it. You know he doesn't really love you because of what happened in the past. He has no part in your life now and who you meet and make friends with is none of his business.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 22/05/2014 12:24

I know mistle That is exactly what I should do but I do care for him. I know he will be still lying in bed crippled with self loathing and panic, it makes me so sad but also should get angry I suppose.

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mistlethrush · 22/05/2014 12:34

I wonder what he's thinking... Its YOUR fault that he's wallowing in his (cold, empty apart from him, not recently washed) bed because you told him that enough was enough and you didn't want a freeloader bringing you down any more. Its YOUR fault that he's feeling depressed because it should be HIM being waited on hand and foot and not another potential man at some stage in the future. Its YOUR fault he's feeling depressed because hasn't Blossom got herself nicely sorted out now with nice food and things straight but he's not there to enjoy it all.... I'm sure he could come up with a lot more - but the point is that these are all HIS doing but I bet you that he blames all of the situation on YOU and doesn't take an ounce of responsibility for the years of awfulness and lies he put you through. Enough is enough - if it makes him so cross to see you, don't invite him round; if he loses his temper with you, don't invite him round; if he rings up with unsettling phone calls, don't invite him round and don't answer his calls.

At the moment your main priority should be yourself. You need to get yourself into a better place and start to heal from all the hurts he's done you over the years. You need to get you mind back to yourself so that you can do your job effectively again. And do you know why you need to do this? Because it is now you and your son - you can't rely on anyone else so its really important that you make sure that you make sure you're OK as you're the one that's having to hold it all together.

Tell him to sort out his depression and start working properly and get himself on an even keel. Perhaps when you're both sorted out you might be able to move gradually to be friends - but frankly I would not be thinking of that - he's done you so much harm in the past.

Jan45 · 22/05/2014 13:01

Blossom this won't change, you know it. Sorry but you are enabling it yourself by inviting him round, making him dinner - until you actually put a stop to it, nothing will change and your sad moods will continue, I honestly don't know what you are expecting to happen apart from more heartache.

Sorry I know it can't be easy but you need to at least give your self some distance from him, give it a go, bet you're in a lot happier place if you can cut the contact for a month or so.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 22/05/2014 13:05

Strangely as you know he always used to blame me or someone else for his troubles. For the first time ever he has admitted that our situation is his own doing. In his own words he only has himself to blame and I did nothing wrong with having Sex with another man but he is finding veyr difficult to handle. I need to heal myself I am in a terrible mess really. He is more than depressed, he is mentally ill and needs a proper diagnosis.

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Original poster
Blossomflowers · 22/05/2014 13:25

I went 4 month NC before, was I happy, kind of. Have enjoyed spending time with him, until he pulls a stunt like that. He could be dead in his bed now, has been threatening to kill himself for weeks.

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mistlethrush · 22/05/2014 14:47

Blossom, if he kills himself, its not your fault. You can't heal him. Probably allowing him back near will make it more difficult for him to get better, if he ever can. You need to make the break, stop letting him get to you and making himself your problem. He isn't - if he hadn't been such a twat, perhaps it would have been your problem as you wouldn't have had to split up with him. But as he was a twat, he's not your problem.

Now step away from the problem and leave him to work out whether he's going to get better or not himself rather than making that your problem too.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 22/05/2014 14:52

mistle I know it would not be my fault. I have carried him for years, he has attempted to end his life when we were together. I feel this compulsion to see him and I don't know why. He has hurt me so much, wish I could just switch him off like a light.

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Original poster
Blossomflowers · 22/05/2014 16:03

So what do you think of this text, it has made me very angry and thinking if and appropriate response. "Is it too much to ask to see each other whilst we live apart, we seem to get on better, keeps it fresh and exciting.I would hate not to have our weekends and BBQ"

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LisaMed · 22/05/2014 16:38

Blossomflowers I would see that text as an attempt to get you to look after him and to start towards getting himself back into your home where he can punish you for daring to first of all let him leave and then not falling apart without him. Worst of all is not the sex, but you haven't begged him to come back.

I would suggest that you text back saying, 'our relationship is obviously bad for your mental health and for both of our sakes I suggest that we contact via email regarding ds only.' and stick to non contact. What I would like to do is text back FUCK OFF but you would probably lose a bit of dignity.

btw another bad instinct of mine would reply to any hints or threats of suicide with, 'well I'm not coming to your funeral'. You probably shouldn't and it almost certainly wouldn't help but I think it is important that you find a way where you are not held to ransom.

hugs

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 22/05/2014 16:45

I think he is totally trying to control me. When things do not go his way he just ups and leaves to his sad apartment. I am actually fuming because he is such a self entitled cock. I have replied yet but will. Just been chatting to someone on OLD wants to take me for a drink, very tempting

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