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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Last straw - Married Man - TMI

572 replies

heartshaped · 15/04/2014 18:50

I'm so sorry, I am in an affair (myself single). It is loving, I love him and he says the same wholeheartedly (I know the script, i've read up, I can't recognise it at the moment). Only recently have I pushed him to consider leaving his wife, though I previously thought I was okay with things as they were - loving attentive guy, real kindred spirits in every way but I have fallen deep so pushed things. Last night he came over, I thought to stay, we had anal sex (sorry for tmi) which I have never done, and then he left me on my own to go home to his wife. I'm feel so so gutted and used. He's texting all day please can we meet up, why aren't I talking to him but I feel dreadful, drained and dead.

OP posts:

MistressDeeCee · 28/04/2014 05:46

How 'nice' for his wife. I hope she sees sense one day and leaves him to his sordid sexual diversions. As weak as he is though, his loyalty is to his wife and not you. That stands out in your posts. You certainly aren't the love of his life. When a man shows you that you are not his priority then its best to find a way to move on quickly. The alternative is to live a life of misery over a man. Big waste of time and years.

longtallsally2 · 28/04/2014 11:56

Great post KatieKaye!

Original poster

heartshaped · 28/04/2014 19:25

Thanks for sharing KatieKaye. I'm glad you came out the other side.

He's been in touch saying he hopes i'm okay and he can't turn his 'love' off overnight. It's killing me not to respond.

OP posts:

Mugg1ns · 28/04/2014 19:31

Sometimes a man will love his mistress rather than his wife, but will not leave the family home because he doesn't want to compromise his involvement with his children.

KatieKaye · 28/04/2014 19:34

Heart - for your own peace of mind, you need to stop letting him contact you. My ex was texting me - so I switched my phone off. Literally. For months. Probably a bit extreme, but it worked for me! You might change your phone number or block him.
He is not going to change - but you can. You can stop letting him treat you like this and take control back into your life. Start
by cutting off his normal means of contact. I know it feels like the end of the world, but it isn't. It's just the start of a new phase of your life.
And you can make a new life. one without this controlling man, who only thinks of himself - not you, not his wife, not his children. He's messed everyone up. Limit the damage he's causing you.

Springheeled · 28/04/2014 19:37

Wow well done for not responding!

ohldoneedtogetagrip · 28/04/2014 19:55

A simple text if needed--"it's over please do not contact me again." Then block him on FB mobile email and telephone.
This contact is him keeping his options open-please don't fall for it

Gen35 · 28/04/2014 20:36

Can't turn his love off? This fits with his spineless character. 'His love' none of this is about him loving you for yourself, he wants you to feel his suffering, poor him.

sarinka · 28/04/2014 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HenI5 · 28/04/2014 20:48

He's been in touch saying he hopes i'm okay and he can't turn his 'love' off overnight

let's ask ourselves what exactly he expected to achieve with that message, apart from making himself look a teeny bit better?

BitOutOfPractice · 28/04/2014 20:56

hen that's not what he hoped to achieve at all. What he hoped to achieve was maiming sure he was keeping op warm. Checking out that he still has her on the end of a string.

Katykay is so right. Read and reread her pists for she speaks absolute sense. Yay cannot change him for being a selfish arsehole. You can only change high reaction to him. Start protecting yourself from his utter piggery and start moving on.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/04/2014 20:56

Posts. Not pists.

HenI5 · 28/04/2014 21:06

Same difference bit making himself look a bit better to keep OP interested in some way, probably feeling sorry for him even and thinking how difficult it all is for him

I've not seen anyone on this thread who thinks the MM is a good idea for the OP and that's quite apart from the sympathy for his wife.
IMO he's totally toxic and any further contact will do nothing but further damage the OP.

I don't know what to say about his wife. In a fantasy life she'd divorce him, go NC and anonymously win the lottery.

Springheeled · 28/04/2014 21:11

Yes, his wife should find a great guy and so should OP. Then mm can face consequences, alone.

Vagabond · 28/04/2014 21:24

Heartshaped - It's normal for you to feel heartbroken. Believe it or not, it will pass. The pain will lessen day by day until eventually you look back on what all the heartbreak was all about and you won't believe you feel so broken. I know it's hard to believe now, but it's true.

Take care of yourself and block contact.

rabbitseverywhere · 29/04/2014 08:54

May I offer an alternative view of this latest contact heartshaped ?

Do you think it is at all possible, as was suggested upthread, that he never in fact told the wife at all, but set out to make you believe that he had?

What he could be doing is demonstrating that he will never leave his family, he may know that after a bit of pain and missing him, you will be desperate to have him back under any circumstances, as you yourself have admitted you would.

In this way, he would continue the affair as was before, with you never having any more than that, as it would be certain nothing more was on offer, because, after all, he is far too good a man to hurt his children.

Then he could get you do do anything he wanted in the vague hope that one day he would be all yours if you try hard enough.

Whatever is the truth though OP, this man is a serious dickhead. And if my view was in any way true, this would mean that he's done this before and is getting good at it.

NettleTea · 29/04/2014 09:50

He is mean, and I would say cowardly too.

I do think he told his wife, but not for the reasons anyone has said so far, but to 'relieve' the guilt he was feeling. In other words to make himself feel better. I doubt he called it the love of his life, just emphasised the big mistake he had made.

And I expect she told him to get out, that she needed space. (as recommended by many MNers) I doubt for one moment that she knew he came to you. I doubt for one moment that you knew it was only a temporary 'blip' until she was prepared to take him back.

And as soon as she was ready, back he went. But as others have said, he is trying to keep the door open. He is respecting no one here. His wife has clearly said 'no contact' and he has decieved her already

He has told you it is over, but is still trying to keep you hooked in. Even though he must know it is horribly upsetting for you.

He doesnt want to have to split up, not with all the financial and childcare implications. He wouldnt want the drudgery and restrictions of that. He wants what he had. Mummy at home. Extras on the side.

Mean. and very very selfish.

Gen35 · 29/04/2014 09:56

I also think you should go on a holiday, or go and see a good friend or family and have some fun unrelated to him, get your life back. What do you want from life? Think about your career, anything productive except this waste of time. I hope he ends up alone, it is what he deserves but my experience of loser men is that somehow they always seem to find someone to string along.

Granville72 · 29/04/2014 10:17

his wife has insisted on no contact and he will abide by her wishes and will not contact me again

He's been in touch

Not exactly being very fair or abiding by anyone's wishes is he

BeCool · 29/04/2014 10:34

Why don't you block his number so he can't contact you?

neiljames77 · 29/04/2014 14:20

While Heartshaped is getting advice on here, I dare say his wife will be getting advice off people.(assuming he HAS told her and she has told a friend/family)
They'll be, more than likely, telling her to kick him out. He'll leave eventually and go back to Heartshaped and she'll take him in.

Helpwithmyishooos · 29/04/2014 21:34

I have read this thread through start to finish, I really hope you coping Heartshaped? Well done on not responding, that must have been so difficult for you. I imagine you have picked up your phone and re read the messages at least 100 times xx

Ultimately, if he needed to contact you, he can find you. He can get to you. I would suggest getting a new number and or blocking him. Give yourself a definitive amount of time - say 1 week - with no contact at all. Not re reading messages or holding on to it. Give yourself space and time, stop putting him first as he is not doing this for you.

Look after yourself xxx

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