Last straw - Married Man - TMI

[heartshaped]

I'm so sorry, I am in an affair (myself single). It is loving, I love him and he says the same wholeheartedly (I know the script, i've read up, I can't recognise it at the moment). Only recently have I pushed him to consider leaving his wife, though I previously thought I was okay with things as they were - loving attentive guy, real kindred spirits in every way but I have fallen deep so pushed things. Last night he came over, I thought to stay, we had anal sex (sorry for tmi) which I have never done, and then he left me on my own to go home to his wife. I'm feel so so gutted and used. He's texting all day please can we meet up, why aren't I talking to him but I feel dreadful, drained and dead.

Agree neiljames, but the future's not set and OP could still change the outcome. It's pain for her whichever way it goes but far less pain and better self-esteem if she can end it herself. I'm willing her to do that, for her sake, nobody else's.

Very good point, Garlic - yes, the advice isn't always the same because it depends very much on the circumstances. Those who are offering you advice here, heartshaped seem pretty much united in their view that this man is not right for you, not at all. Everything he said last night was all about him, no concern for you at all and no, you shouldn't have even needed to ask him 'What about me?' because that should have been on his mind, ie. to ask and show caring for YOU, not him.

That's true, LyingWitchInTheWardrobe. From the bits I've read though, I can't see it happening. Whether it's her thinking about him constantly and contacting him or him contacting her and she gives in.
I hope his wife is strong and his kids are resilient.

Would you really want a man that could do what he is doing to his wife and children?

It is also worth bearing in mind that the mm will most probably magnify and over exaggerate feelings for the OW (eg I can't live without you) in order to justify the enormity of his actions and the impact these actions may have on his family. This only makes sense in his mind if he convinces himself, for the time being, that he is totally in love with you - thereby easing his guilt. And likelihood is that when this hurt occurs you will be blamed by him for helping him e this hurt.

Another thing to think about. Imagine his wife chucks him out and he sets up home with you, in order to salvage something from the whole f**ked-up mess. Could you cope with having to see his parents, wife and children regularly as may well happen if his children wish to continue a relationship with him (can no longer keep them compartmentalised). They will make your life hell. It is not easy being a second partner without being the OW, I cannot imagine a worse punishment than staying with the partner as the OW.

All of the talk about him leaving his wife is moot really. It's now probably quite clear to OP, from last night, that he has absolutely no intention of doing so. That hurts. He has hurt her, led her on, led her to believe that they have a life together.

Keep posting, heartshaped... don't write/speak to him about your feelings, post here because even the most vicious posters can't hurt you the way your married man can. Don't give him any more heartstrings he can twang.

He may have no choice, lying, if wife finds out and chucks him out.

Perhaps, Poppet but OP has a choice. I don't really care about what happens to the MM, he's been very beguiling, no doubt, but his family is his responsibility. He hadn't even the decency to consider the OP when they talked so what happens if/when his wife chucks him out doesn't bother more a jot. I just hope that, if this should be the eventual outcome, that OP has moved on and would refuse to engage at all.

What a pathetic weak man. I would be embarrassed if he was my boyfriend. Or maybe he is just a controlling man. Seems it works.

Op, I reckon he's such a coward he's hoping his wife will kick him out and then he won't have to make a decision, he can pretend that he was willing to give it another try while you get all the hate. That's where that 'I have to tell dw' stuff is going. I agree with lying walk away, because he really isn't going to do you any good. However much you've invested in him to date, this is only going downhill.

So, lying, my words of advice were to indicate not to take him in if his wife does chuck him out, as this would lead to more pain and being used for OP. Whatever he says about his feelings for her under these circumstances are not to be trusted.

My goal here is to suggest underlying motivations of mm and potential consequences of certain actions by OW in response to him - trying to help OW, wife and family in this awful situation. But I am also not dating DH is the devil incarnate: he is just making a terrible terrible mistake.

Gen35, you're right. He will be hoping to get kicked out.

Poppet77, if he does, he'll be straight round to the op's and she'll take him in.

I don't think he's hoping to get kicked out at all. I think the opposite, in fact - but agree that if he does, he will be on OP's doorstep with suitcases and a beaming, "See, I've left her for you, I love you...".

All the crying and indecisiveness sounds like narcissistic self indulgent whining to me, to demonstrate to the OP how awful all this is for him, what a good man he is under it all...to stop her bringing it up again, so he can continue to have his cake and eat it.

My bet is he'll now put a bit of distance between them for a few days to punish her, then when he finally deigns to spend any time with her again she'll be too scared to bring any of this up. As she's already said...she couldn't really say, "what about me?" when he was demonstrating his distress.

None of this sounds like an honest man in the wrong marriage who might actually make a go of this new relationship to me. So many signs of just being a narcissistic player. Can't really explain why but being prepared to meet her friends and family while not being officially committed to the relationship makes him sound like a particularly special kind of arse. (Sorry OP).

Maybe hoping is the wrong word. It's the best case scenario for him to play the wounded soul though. It's a mess.
I hope his wife doesn't really like him that much, boots him out and is glad to see the back of him. He might have form for this. She might already have a good idea that he's at it.

He isn't much of a prize to win from what you say. You don't have to continue trying to be with him just because of the momentum carrying you along.

I am not judging, I think you need to work on self esteem and you need to believe you are worth more. Everyone is worth more than this seedy specimen you are seeing!

heartshaped think: you have no voice in this relationship. He bamboozled you with his crying into silence when you needed to say PLENTY. Come on, don't you want a partner who sees YOU and heard YOU? That's why I agree that this is narcissistic stuff, as said above- YOU are not in this relationship, it's all about him. I also agree you could be 'punished' for pushing your luck.
Only one way out: drop the rope and stop playing.
Is there anywhere you could go? Could you move? Travel for a bit? This is going to take a lot of getting over- you need clear blue water between you and him.

Oh I see you think he's hoping to exact concessions from his wife and a tearful mending of his ways til the next time. Even worse. I feel sorry for op too, as I said, my dsis was an ow and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

This is why it's such a mess. If heartshaped finishes it, he goes back to his wife and kids and they could be completely oblivious to what he's done. You wouldn't wish upset on them but equally, they should know about his deception.

Thank you again to everyone taking time to help me, pretty much a lost cause but i'm trying. Please believe me when I say I am finding strength from your posts.

Lying, you have not offended me with your happy dance, hoping to join you there sometime.

He is adamant deadset about telling his wife this - says he can't go on and his parents have also convinced him this is the right thing to do also (I do believe that he has told them). I'm unclear of his motivations. He does seem in a lot of pain.

I know i'm not very strong right now but have told him I will give him the space to sort out his emotions. He hasn't contacted me either. My stomach is in knots and I'm having panic attacks and can't go out/function properly atm. Sorry, not trying to evoke sympathy, I know i've done it to myself.

I'm getting from the thread that there is no happy ending. Whichever poster said that I thought there would be - you were right, I really did. I do see how delusional I have been. And very selfish.

What is his wife like? Do you know anything about her at all? I don't mean anything he might have told you about her, I mean things you know yourself or maybe others have told you.

I'm glad you are starting to see that. You can't shit all over people and expect it to work out nicely. (I mean you in general, but also you and he in particular). If he tells his wife you are all in for a world of pain and if he ends up leaving her for you it will be awful for a very long time. You will always have to have her in your lives. She may not let him bring the kids to your shared home for a long time, meaning he will be miserable and resentful. Life is going to get hard.

I have a friend who did what you did, he left her and moved in with my friend. He also had two small kids. Nobody ended up happy, believe me.
They aren't still together.

Heartshaped, can you delete his details? I guess it's too soon... What can you do and who can you see today, tomorrow, this week? Can you have a holiday??

Good points, Spring - a big part of emotional healing is remembering who 'you' are, and getting your good stuff back. What about those neglected friends, heart? What's going on in your area for Easter - anything you always used to enjoy?

You can get control of this, heartshaped, he is not the one who gets to dictate how this will be.

As Garlic has suggested, get in touch with your friends and let them distract you, because that's what friends do and if you can ultimately do what Springheeled said and delete his details, that would be a very positive move also.