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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Last straw - Married Man - TMI

572 replies

heartshaped · 15/04/2014 18:50

I'm so sorry, I am in an affair (myself single). It is loving, I love him and he says the same wholeheartedly (I know the script, i've read up, I can't recognise it at the moment). Only recently have I pushed him to consider leaving his wife, though I previously thought I was okay with things as they were - loving attentive guy, real kindred spirits in every way but I have fallen deep so pushed things. Last night he came over, I thought to stay, we had anal sex (sorry for tmi) which I have never done, and then he left me on my own to go home to his wife. I'm feel so so gutted and used. He's texting all day please can we meet up, why aren't I talking to him but I feel dreadful, drained and dead.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/04/2014 20:50

Regarding him telling his wife, heartshaped, believe what he DOES not what he SAYS. If he's unhappy in his marriage then he needs to end it for that reason. It would then be an idea for you and he to give each other some time and space to see where you're going, if anywhere. In the meantime, there's nothing that you need to do; he needs to take the actions he says he wants to take.

I really don't think he's told his parents because otherwise, how does his wife not know? He would surely tell her first... then his parents. I'm a little sceptical that he's imagining the outfall and telling you what he imagines that is, but it's not real.

He may be a good man heart, he may even be 'The One', but right now, he isn't - he's a man who isn't treating you at all well and HE has a lot of work to do to put that right.

In the meantime, if I were in your position, I'd tell him that I want a little time to myself and that he must do whatever it is that he says he's doing. Maybe suggest a month of no contact to allow him to sort out his family issues. I think it would be both painful for you but in the same way, beneficial because you'd see that you CAN manage without him.

Wishing you lots of strength, Heart and you do have support here so post as you need to.

WinterMuse · 19/04/2014 21:40

Although I agree it's not easy, it can end happily. You are all giving OP these nightmare scenarios.
I have just put my DPs kids to bed, they came to stay with us for the weekend. I know his ex-W still doesn't like me (don't blame her) but we are civil. There was a bit of drama initially, but no decent mum will see any benefit in slagging off their dads partner in front of her DCs. Yes there are compromises I have to make but it's worth it. So it can work.

MmeMorrible · 19/04/2014 21:52

Happily for who Wintermuse? You got want you wanted but at what cost? Are you selfish enough to think that that your DPs wife and his children's pain was 'worth it'??

Speechless.

neiljames77 · 19/04/2014 21:59

The only way it wouldn't be a nightmare scenario is if his wife and kids hate him and want him gone. And that's unlikely.

Springheeled · 19/04/2014 22:04

It can maybe end happily in some scenarios- but in this case the guy sounds a twat and the OP is unhappy.
How long has the affair been for?

LavenderGreen14 · 19/04/2014 22:05

Wintermuse - I am sure the ex wife found it very not easy, and I don't think you will ever know the pain you have caused by having an affair with a married man. If he had been a decent dad she wouldn't need to not slag you off would she?

WinterMuse · 19/04/2014 22:17

Well me and DP are happy - 6 years later.
Kids are happy because they never knew any different, it's unlikely they even remember DP living with them (he did work away a lot before meeting me). There wasn't any pain for them. They have two homes and get double spoilt and cared for.
It would be crass of me to say his ex wife is happy because I don't know. All I know is she said she wasn't happy with him anyway (they have totally different personalities so i can see why but i dont know if she was beinh honest or it was a case of sour grapes) and she now has a lifestyle she can afford because we give her a generous allowance (a lot more than DP was earning when with her).

WinterMuse · 19/04/2014 22:26

I didn't say she would need to slag me off. As for the decent dad bit - he might have been a bad husband, but what's that got to do with being a dad? This might be news for you, but you are allowed to be a good parent AND be happy with the person you love in the same time.
Look I'm not trying to hijack OPs thread - all I am saying is that sometimes you can make things work out. Someone is going to suffer anyway and none of us is such a saint to put the welfare of a woman we never met before our own. We can sit here are say "oh no my morals wouldn't let me" but I think deep down we know the truth. We can strip the issue down to the simple theory of survival.
I think OP should ask the MM what he wants and what is going to happen next and don't accept any excuses or delays. Then we can concoct scenarios.

GarlicAprilShowers · 19/04/2014 22:36

Winter, we've accepted that there are times an affair can work out. In this case, though, I think you're pasting your own story over the OP's. If there were no wife in this situation I would still dislike the man for the way he treats his supposed girlfriend, his turning everything into 'poor me' to get his way at her expense, and his dishonesty.

The fact that he's doing it to two women simultaneously makes him twice as unpleasant.

WinterMuse · 19/04/2014 22:40

Fair point Garlic

comicsansisevil · 19/04/2014 23:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PublicEnemyNumeroUno · 20/04/2014 13:07

You need to let go OP, it will all end in tears, just let go and move on.

This makes me think of something i read a while back and i think it fits here.

You have serious toothache, you end up having to get your tooth taken out. It hurts, you run your tongue over it multiple times which causes you some discomfort, but gradually you stop noticing that its missing, you stop poking your tongue in the gap, it doesn't hurt anymore. Do you think you should have left the tooth in? No, because it was causing you pain

Get this man out of your life. It will hurt, you will turn it over in your head for some time, but this man is causing you pain. You do not need this in your life.

Rebecca2014 · 20/04/2014 15:46

none of us is such a saint to put the welfare of a woman we never met before our own. We can sit here are say "oh no my morals wouldn't let me" but I think deep down we know the truth.
*
Really? I would never go for an married man, I don't get a power kick knowing I could take an man from his family. What would attract me to an disloyal cheating pig anyway? I never got why anyone would see an mm as an great catch, an great partner to be won...makes me cringe.

Also if we were all as selfish as you to not care about anyone else feelings then god knows what this world would be like.

Rebecca2014 · 20/04/2014 15:50

WinterMuse the only reason his children accept you is because when you had an affair with their father they were so small they couldn't know what you two had done to their family. If they were older I am sure things would been a lot different, I know because my granddad did the same thing and his two kids didn't speak to him for thirty years...the fall out was epic.

Karenblixen · 20/04/2014 16:01

Please don't be impressed by this lying cheat's tears - they mean nothing! My exP (who has had an affair with the office cleaner for ages and stupid me didn't realise that of course they were on their own after hours every night!) anyway, my exP swore on our children's lives that he was never unfaithful to me and when I asked hi to swear on his own life, a question which he did not expect, he refused.

So much for the honour of MM. Again, how can you expect any honesty from someone who is happy to cheat on his family? And who risks to pass on STDs to his wife (with all due respect to the Op).

Apocalypto · 20/04/2014 20:51

Sounds like both the OP and her bloke are commitmentphobes.

WinterMuse · 20/04/2014 22:25

Rebecca, I did not set out to go after a MM. However I did/do put my happiness above another woman's, yes. I think it would be something wrong with me if I didn't.
The only reason I spoke about myself is because everyone here is telling OP that there can't be a happy or at least a reasonably happy ending to her situation.
I only advised OP to ask her MM directly what he wants and accept no delays or excuses.

ormirian · 20/04/2014 23:01

Wintermuse, at the moment I think it's far more important that she asks HERSELF what SHE wants. It looks as if the MM has had what he wants for a while now.

WinterMuse · 20/04/2014 23:12

Sorry think I was a bit unclear. I didn't mean OP should ask MM what he wants and then comply.
I think she should ask because if she doesn't and she carries on with the affair, she will also carry on suffering.
If she doesn't ask and ends the affair she will have horrible painful nights of "what ifs".
If she does ask and he says he can't leave his wife or (even worse) comes up with excuses and typical MM reasons why he "can't do anything now, but later...", then yes I also believe OP should end it and at least she won't have any doubts.
However if his response is that he is willing to put an end to his marriage, then and only then OP can decide what SHE wants which is indeed the MOST important.

BitOutOfPractice · 21/04/2014 00:05

Wintermuse while your own 20/20 hindsight vision is amazingly clear, it is also very selective. And, in it's "you too can have this happily ever after fairytale if only you are determined enough" simplicity, probably unhelpful.

No matter how much you chose to airbrush these things (and I have played several characters in this particular drama over the years), there is always far more collateral damage than you imply. I'm fact, I'm getting the "doth protest too much" feeling from you to be honest

Original poster
heartshaped · 24/04/2014 20:04

Update - MM disclosed some of our affair (not the length or nature of the relationship) to his wife and undying love to me - told me he had made up his mind - wish he'd done it sooner, we 'felt right'. He told her he was in love with someone else. I know this to be true as she sent me an abusive Facebook message detailing some of their conversation and calling me a whore. I know it's the least I deserve. He came to stay with me, made some plans then was tearful after a few days saying he still wants to make it work with me but missed his dcs and his mum and friends thought what he was doing was ridiculous. He went home on Monday and never came back. I tried to speak to him and he said it was unfair on his dw to discuss the details of what is happening, with me. You were all right. I don't know where on earth I go from here. Lost. Heartbroken.

OP posts:
neiljames77 · 24/04/2014 20:10

I had a feeling the decision to end it would be out of your hands. I understand you're going to be upset but it's for the best.I think deep down you'll know that. It's best to just accept it and let him try and repair the damage he's done to his family.

CookieDoughKid · 24/04/2014 20:14

I'm finding it really difficult to have sympathy for you. You were PLAYED by a player.

The best thing you can do is view this as a bloody lucky escape. Seriously. You have no fallout compared to his DW and you can start again on a clean slate.

BitOutOfPractice · 24/04/2014 20:30

Heartshaped Sad I feel sorry that you have a broken heart. But when you give someone a straight choice you have to be prepared for them to make a choice you don't like.

You will be OK, eventually. What a shame that so many people had to get hurt. Most of them entitely innocently

Springheeled · 24/04/2014 20:30

I have sympathy for you, played by a player or not. Now you have to take control. No contact. Can you have a break?