Last straw - Married Man - TMI

[heartshaped]

I'm so sorry, I am in an affair (myself single). It is loving, I love him and he says the same wholeheartedly (I know the script, i've read up, I can't recognise it at the moment). Only recently have I pushed him to consider leaving his wife, though I previously thought I was okay with things as they were - loving attentive guy, real kindred spirits in every way but I have fallen deep so pushed things. Last night he came over, I thought to stay, we had anal sex (sorry for tmi) which I have never done, and then he left me on my own to go home to his wife. I'm feel so so gutted and used. He's texting all day please can we meet up, why aren't I talking to him but I feel dreadful, drained and dead.

[CrispyFern]

Do you think he is telling her that he loves you and wants to be with you but he can't bear to leave the children? And she is saying "Oh great that's enough for me"?
Or is he telling her he made a mistake - that you were a terrible stupid mistake - and he wants to try to fix things at home? He will do anything, counselling, whatever it takes.

Any reasons he gives you if you speak to him, will be bullshit. You won't gain anything from talking to him again unless you want a few months of him weeping about himself followed by a slow drift back to the old status quo.

[WildBill]

Hope you are OK OP look after yourself and treat yourself with kindness, you are only human.

[MyLatest]

OP I am sorry that you are experiencing pain although I am much more sorry for this prince amongst men's wife Please listen to the wise ladies above. Disengage.

He will come back in a few weeks or months. That is the time when you will have to be most strong. When that time comes don't kid yourself that you should meet up for 'closure' or to be friends or whatever shit he spins you. You will end up back in his bed. At the minute that probably sounds great but you will always be the booby prize, the cheap toy he plays with when he's bored and fancies a change from his X-Box.

You owe it to yourself to demand more. You get one go at life. Do you really want to waste your youth and health and beauty on a man who will fuck you up the arse and then cry about how it's all so difficult for him?

[MyLatest]

And if he should come back on a more permanent basis be in no doubt: his wife will have kicked him out. Once the hysterical bonding and counselling are out of the way she may look at this man who promised to be faithful and feel nothing but disgust and disappointment. That's how you should be looking at him too.

[Rebecca2014]

Heartshaped I am sorry, it seems like he has been playing both of you. I am sure he is telling his wife now how you seduced him!! haha.

I think sometimes the fantasy seems more appealing than the reality.

[Alchemist]

Be brave and do this for YOU.

I looked at my STBXH last night when he picked up the DC and thought "She is welcome to him" but then felt guilty. Feel like i should issue a warning but who would listen? Not the girl he is currently shagging. He cheated, lied and tore this family apart and then went off with "his love". They have now parted and he is shagging a 20 yo. This is in the space of nearly 20 years with me and less than (officially) 6 months with his love. Now the young lass. Hurt all around.

Your chap is having as much cake as he can, even if it makes him feel sick. I don't think he is showing he is a kind man in any way. All the people being hurt by him.

Please stop letting him hurt you.

While we are coming at this from different sides I think we are sharing the same emotions. I'd like to think you will be posting from a much happier place soon.

[heartshaped]

Thank you for all your words of wisdom.

He did call and put in a very tearful farewell and told me his wife has insisted on no contact and he will abide by her wishes and will not contact me again even though I am 'like a drug addiction'. He says he owes it to her to at least try and that without me in his life his marriage might survive, that while I was on the scene he was putting in no effort.

Without wanting to sound like a lost cause, and trying to be honest so I can get help, when you say things like 'he will be back once the dust settles' etc. at the moment I think to myself, great, how long will that be? I know that sounds hopeless. I am nowhere near the frame of mind that thinks he has done me a favour or that I had a lucky escape. I just want him back. I'm sorry that sounds so weak.

[WildBill]

It doesn't sound weak - you are human, you fell for someone and now it's over, like any break up it's going to hurt like hell for a while. Be kind to yourself, start planning a holiday for a few months time or something so you have something to look forward to, re-connect with old friends.
It will get better................best wishes.

[BuzzardBird]

I am sorry that you have learned a very painful lesson. Leave mm alone, if they want to be with someone else they need to exit their marraige first. Thank god you don't have dcs with him, you are an adult, you will cope. I hope his dcs aren't too damaged. He is indeed a weak excuse for a man. Onwards and upwards for you.

[rabbitseverywhere]

I am 'like a drug addiction'.

Sorry OP but what he actually meant was that the thrill and excitement of an extra-marital affair is like a drug addiction as many would testify. The problem is, that this addiction is actually not dependent on you, he could experience this same feeling of addiction with anybody.

Sorry if that sounds harsh OP, I know you are hurting right now. IMO I don't think he'll be back to you, you got too attached and therefore, dangerous to his risky little pastimes. The best thing you can do is learn from it and move on It won't hurt forever.

[longtallsally2]

I just want him back. I'm sorry that sounds so weak. Of course you want him back. You have loved him and invested a lot of yourself in the man that you believed him to be/convinced yourself that he was.

However, he has chosen to return to his marriage and you have a life to live. Like the ending of any relationship it will be incredibly painful and it will be harder for you as you won't get the same sympathy that others coming out of a long term relationship get from friends and family. You will have hidden the depth of your feelings from them, so you will be doing this on your own.

It may be that he will come back again one day, but you can't afford to sit around and wait for his marriage to fail. I'm not saying you should rush off into a new relationship, merely that your focus now should be on looking after yourself, building up friendships again, maybe getting a new job, starting over. Fake it until you can make it. Get away, get some sunshine, get back in touch with who you are and what you enjoy . . . If his marriage does fail, you will be all the stronger for it and in a better position to decide what is really good for you, then, and if it doesn't you will be that much further on towards healing.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

And what would you do if you had him back?
Wait until he changes his mind again and again? Hold him tight as he weeps about his broken family? Give him as much 'uncomfortable' sex as he likes? Play doting step mother to kids who loathe you? Hide away from the ex at all family occasions?
Be realistic. This was never going to work as a long term proposition for you.

[HenI5]

Heartshaped, I've been reading your thread.
Your opening post left me open mouthed and sad for both MM's wife and also for you. Less so for you to be honest as you've been a willing party. I'm sure you can see the sense in that.

Now I read
I know that sounds hopeless. I am nowhere near the frame of mind that thinks he has done me a favour or that I had a lucky escape. I just want him back

So read your own words again please

he left me on my own to go home to his wife. I'm feel so so gutted and used He's texting all day please can we meet up, why aren't I talking to him but I feel dreadful, drained and dead

[Rebecca2014]

It does sound like he is in love with his wife but with you the affair was exciting, like he said you were like an drug. It was wrong but that was part of the fun.

You need to move on with your life, I think you need counselling as well.

[CouldntGiveAMonkeysToss]

Some harsh but understandable comments on here.
OP he's an utter arsehole. He's cheating on his wife, he's got a family he clearly doesn't give a shit about, he doesn't give a shit about you either. This is a man who thinks only if himself, he has no respect for you or his family. Even if he left his wife for, you future with him would be miserable.
You've got to end it, work on your self esteem and enjoy life. You'll be so much better off without him and you won't have the constant guilt and shame of knowing you're shagging someone else's husband.
I feel sorry for his wife.

[heartshaped]

Thank you - i know it makes sense. I just feel so so upset today particularly. I know it's all my fault but i'm struggling to cope with it all. Can't see out of the black hole i'm in.

[HenI5]

I'm not just saying this OP, I have been a situation where I had to heed my own advice, although not in similar circumstances.
What I will add to your last post is that you have to be in a mindset to move on. Don't keep dwelling, it won't serve you well at all.
Draw a line and open your mind to moving forward.

[Springheeled]

It will take time. Probably a long time. But mostly it will take effort and will feel like an uphill struggle. You have to make a plan to move on. Even if it's one step forward and two steps back.

Counselling (to a point), work, reconnecting with friends- ring them all and get back on track and arrange to see them and put dates on the calendar. Exercise. Travel.

When my heart was broken (not by a mm, just a run of the mill cad) I had to try and do all these things to pull myself back together. If I could have done I would have bought a round the world ticket and just gone for it and sobbed on a mountain in South America, but had dcs and a mortgage. So just the grind of gritting teeth and getting on. Some days I didn't want to even wash or eat. But made myself.

You WILL get over him.

NO CONTACT is your only hope. Don't listen to any more of his drivel. He's so self indulgent! It's a waste of your precious time.

How old are you OP? Do you have dcs? How long was the affair? What have you always wanted to do that you haven't done yet?

[Springheeled]

Ps heartshaped it's by no means all your fault. He had no boundaries, he chose to deceive, he let his family down- it takes two to tango.
He's a shit! His poor dw! She really doesn't have a prize specimen there.
Maybe in a year you'll BOTH be free of him and full of self respect.

[Upnotdown]

I know this will sound awful but you have to remember that you could have been anyone, you're a novelty. He's just after some excitement - the minute his wife finds out, the excitement disappears. He'd drop you like a hot brick because she couldn't have been anyone - he married her and is clearly not so keen to drop her. It may initially feel like he holds you close to his heart, but you've been played. He's using the emotional pull to hold you close to his groin.

Before you say 'He wasn't like that...He LOVED me...' or anything along those lines, he didn't or he'd be with you now with no secrets.

He sounds awful, I hope you can dust yourself off and move on to a real relationship, the type where there's no-one getting unwittingly shat all over. Cut him off.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

Are you having counselling op? I think it would be good for you.

[Icimoi]

OP, you really have to take control of this for your own self-respect. I think it's a real pity you didn't dump him at the time you began this thread, and an even greater pity that you ever let him come to you after he told his wife. It was always obvious that a man who would cheat on his wife and children will cheat on you, and his behaviour was making that ever more clear.

No matter how much you think you want him back, the reality is that if he came back he would continue to cause you the same pain and even worse. You basically have to dump him, close the door completely on this episode of your life, and move on. If at all possible, you need to move away from where you live now, change your phone number, and make 100% sure that he can't try and weasel his way back with you.

One day, I promise, you will be very very pleased you have got him out of your life.

[heartshaped]

Thanks for continuing to help me. I know I hardly deserve it and got myself into this sorrowful mess.

I have been to counselling when I was suffering from anxiety brought on by the relationship. Aside from coping mechanisms I didn't get much out of it.

I can't move away for various reasons, mostly financial and worry the grief will just follow me around. I know I need to close the door on this.

[KatieKaye]

heartshaped - 5 years ago my husband of 26 years walked out when we learnt I needed an urgent hysterectomy. And I thought my life had ended.
Now divorced, my life is better than it has been for years (I had 3 nervous breakdowns during the course of the marriage) and yet there are still times when I think I see him and my heart beats a little faster and I wonder "what if... what would I do if he turned up at the door and said he wanted to try again?"
Because when you give your heart to someone, you never get it all back: a piece is always with them.
Be strong. Make the decision to be happy. The future is in your hands, so work towards building a great life for yourself. Things do get better and the hurt does grow less, but you also have to work towards that. He is one man: do not let him rule your life. Make the decision to move on.