Last straw - Married Man - TMI

[heartshaped]

I'm so sorry, I am in an affair (myself single). It is loving, I love him and he says the same wholeheartedly (I know the script, i've read up, I can't recognise it at the moment). Only recently have I pushed him to consider leaving his wife, though I previously thought I was okay with things as they were - loving attentive guy, real kindred spirits in every way but I have fallen deep so pushed things. Last night he came over, I thought to stay, we had anal sex (sorry for tmi) which I have never done, and then he left me on my own to go home to his wife. I'm feel so so gutted and used. He's texting all day please can we meet up, why aren't I talking to him but I feel dreadful, drained and dead.

Not post here? Come on, MN is a broad church, not JudgyChristianMarriageGuidance.com

By all means post. But I think it's a stretch to expect sympathy and hand holding when you are talking to a lot of people who will have been badly affected by an affair.

Ahem. I unintelligently married TWO serially unfaithful men. The only one of many OWs I blamed was the one who went out her way to become my friend - because she used me directly, not for 'stealing' my self-worshipping prat of a husband. (I gave him to her in the end. It was fitting revenge.)

I know precisely how much pain a cheated wife feels. The worst part, ime, is the bit where you know it's going on but are still trying to believe his lies. He's the liar. None of the OWs told me they loved me, promised to be faithful only to me; swore to be honest and to share equally with me. They owed me nothing - out of all the women those men tried it on with, they were simply the ones who shared my weaknesses.

I'm proud to report I no longer have those weaknesses. My standards are higher now, and I hope I've improved my understanding of what made those two men, all those women and me act the ways we did. I'm happy to support any woman who finds herself emotionally trapped in a relationship that hurts her.

Garlic,
if someone came in to take something from my house and then didn't do it ever again and totally changed their lives, I wouldn't classify him as a burglar 20 years later! Have you never made a mistake in your life or done something you wish you hadn't? Part of making a mistake is learning from it and being forgiven, if you are truely sorry. Men are humans with good bits and bad bits and make mistakes. If they keep making those same mistakes and never learn then there is clearly a fundamental issue with their moral standards. Example, my dad had an affair and treated my mum like shite many years ago, but he was also having problems resolving childhood issues, drinking a lot, etc. he is now one of the kindest and respectful people I know: gives up a lot of his time doing work for Samaritans. He has also expressed his regret for what he did in more ways than this, and wrote to my mum almost 20 years later to express his ongoing grief at the pain he caused. He has been happily remarried for over 30 years!

Having said all if the above, although would try to forgive I would not be able to feel secure or trust in a man who had hurt me by cheating on me.

Garlic, of course some will have sympathy and want to offer support to the OW. But many can't or won't, and will still want to have their say (me included) and that doesn't make them wrong. My life was torn apart by the OW. Not by my dad, but by the OW and her actions.

I haven't and probably won't get past it. And I don't see the harm in illustrating this to OW out there in the hopes that it will enlighten them as to how far reaching the damage they are part of is.

No judgement from me, we're none of us perfect...

But for your own sake, I think you need to think about who this man is...really. Not what he says but what he does, his actions tell you all you need to know.

In this thread you've told us:
He's having an affair
When pushed by you on commitment responds to this by pushing your sexual boundaries (putting you in your place?) and leaving!
Has the audacity to be present in your life, with your friends and family (it probably doesn't matter to him, that this would normally raise expectations of a future, indicate that the relationship is serious) while keeping you a dirty secret in his life

From what you've said I bet you can think of dozens more examples of disrespectful, unloving, uncaring actions.

I bet you can also think of lots of words he has said which are supposed to distract from these actions. But as everyone knows, actions speak louder.

Someone else said you sound addicted. Affairs are addictive. It's a very basic behavioural response, relies on the most basic of human behaviours. Just like gambling you get rewards unpredictably and variably (variable reinforcement schedule -google this). The unpredictability is catnip. You hang on and on for those "special" moments when you "win" and let these moments cloud your memory for the time you spent waiting, hoping, angsting over his behaviour, feeling cheapened and used.

You know how to beat an addiction don't you?

Yes, captain reynolds, red flags are flying high over this one.

To add to your list:
He wants to shag her in his marital bed - or other inappropriate places.
He is still (merrily) sleeping with his wife.

I'm sorry that you've found yourself in such a shitty relationship op. You have the power to change the situation though.

Starting this thread and reading some of the responses has been eye opening and horrible at times but so so helpful. Thanks Garlic, Lying, Poppet, Capn Reynolds and others for trying to make me see some sense from this fog i've put myself under.

I spoke with MM, he bared his soul, crying for ages (while I once again put my feelings on the back-burner to comfort him), totally broken down, can't live with the guilt. He said he can't live without me but what about his children, how would I feel about that, says he doesn't know what to do, talking in riddles saying that maybe his indecisiveness got him here and if he can't make a decision, maybe that in itself is a decision. Says he has told his parents, with a view to being with me, but they can't believe it and say he should be fighting for the sake of his children and that he is having a mid-life crisis and are disgusted with him. He says either way he has to disclose to his dw because he can't go on feeling like he's breaking down and lying to everyone. Obviously I didn't feel I could come in with any 'what about me's' or 'where do I stand in all of this' because he was so upset. I'm sure that still sounds very selfish, but don't worry, it looks like i'm going to get what I deserve - even more fucked up.

But for the first time ever in this whole thing I am starting to see another option something I did not even consider before - MM was the only option I wanted. So thank you.

You don't have to be his option at all if you don't want to.

He's just fed you the 'I love you....BUT' line OP

If it were genuine case of 'true love' nothing would stand in his way.

He's using 'for the DC sake' as an excuse, to get himself off the hook, follows up by 'my family would hate me' excuse.

He has no intention of leaving his wife, spare her the pain of this revelation and move on, or as you correctly observe you will end up even more fucked up.

heartshaped, thank you for posting an update. It's really interesting that his self-absorption is reaching elevated levels. What about you? Did he mention YOU at all in all of this soul-searching? When there are only two people in an affair, his priority should have been the wellbeing and concern for the other party, not himself.

He's still keeping his options well and truly open by reiterating his 'lack of being able to make a decision'. I don't know that I believe that he told his parents, heart, that kind of disclosure would be the very last thing that you would do had you NOT made a decision to leave. I think his parents do not know. I'd also suspect that his wife doesn't know that he was meeting you. Do you REALLY know that she knew about you at all? You only ever have this man's word for this... and you KNOW that he can lie.

I'm so, so sorry for your pain. It hasn't really kicked in yet but it will. It will hit you hard when you realise that what you thought you had with him you really don't. Can I make a suggestion that you put all of his 'stuff', anything of his, anything that reminds you of him, into a cupboard, into storage, or give it to a friend to keep for you - and just sanitise your life of this man.

When you make the decision to cut him out of your life for good - no more contact - that's when you can start healing. Until then, it will be 'death of a thousand cuts' because I don't think you'll be able to look at him in the same way.

Please don't be offended if I say that I'm doing a little 'happy dance' for you right now... you sound very much as if the scales have lifted from your eyes. I think of it liking taking the 'blue pill' from 'The Matrix'... you won't ever see it again the way that you did, no matter what he does now... and that, even if it doesn't feel that like this right now, is a very, very good thing.

You don't need him. You deserve more. Chin up lovely xx

Agree with Lying, first thing I thought is I don't believe he's told the parents, they are always the last people the cheater wants their behaviour revealed to IME

You're obviously both that attracted to each other that it's unlikely that either of you has the will or desire to say to the other, "it's over".
It'll end when, one way or another, his wife finds out. She'll probably kick him out, he'll spend some time with you, cry the whole time and then beg his wife for forgiveness.
She'll either;
Take him back but never trust him again.
Keep him away and you'll be stuck with someone who doesn't want to be there and may ultimately blame you for everything.
Stay with you but leave you wondering if he'll cheat on you.

what neil said 1 million %

He's actually revealed his desire to you in what he said; stay with the DW and DC and have you has his bit on the side in the faint hope that one day he will have the ability to make a decision in favour of you, which will of course rob you of everything that you are, and will in fact never happen, at leaf not by his decision.

least*

Make that '2 million %'... heartshaped

He will sap you of your life if you let him. If you ever wanted to find a man to settle down and maybe have a family with, you must walk away.

I know that this hurts, I know that you're feeling desperately disappointed and let down. That's because you have been. That's partly down to you so accept that, chalk it up to experience and decide how you want your life to be from hereon in. That's your decision, not his. His attention is focused on himself; that's what you need to do too. Nevermind his tears. If he loves you as he says he does, he will let you go. Either way, you'll have his answer.

Please keep posting for support because you WILL get it.

Congratulations, heart, you brought a chink of clarity to this episode Keep that clarity!

It was all about him. His worries, his indecision, his concerns, his self-pity. You bottled your feelings so he could feel good about feeling bad, basically. The meeting was supposedly an opportunity for you to share your shock & hurt about what he did to you, wasn't it? Instead, you ended up stroking his hair over his disappointment that things aren't going his way.

You know some child-beaters say "This hurts me more than it hurts you" Well, what he's just done was a lot like that. You go 'look how much you hurt me!' and his response is 'look how much more I hurt.' The hurt he's shared is all about not being able to have everything just the way he likes it. (Nobody subtly bullied him into taking it up the backside, then got up and left him sore & confused.)

It's like a small child throwing a drama fit when you won't let them set fire to the cat. It's worth noting that small children honestly don't know any better. Grown-ups haven't got this excuse, no matter how much they behave like a tantrumming toddler.

Interesting that he's thinking of telling his wife. I am certain he expects her to sympathise with his tormented self-pity, as you did. Sadly, it's quite likely she will: she married the self-worshipping numpty; he must have found a convenient sucker in her too. He's about to rip her life apart most terrifyingly, and expect her to comfort him. If she posts here, she'll get better advice!

Open that chink a bit wider, heart. Clarity is freedom :)

He sounds utterly self absorbed. Did he ask how you were at all? A decent man would, after anal sex (though they would be a million miles from him in so many other ways).

I really really hope you get some therapy, a good few months worth at least. You need to sort out your self esteem issues, I don't believe someone with good self esteem would be putting themselves in this position. You sound profoundly vulnerable actually.

And please, ask to see a photo of his wife, or go on his Facebook and stare at one of them looking happy together, you have to make them real to you. You need to stop this, for your sake and for his wife and children's sake

If you don't have the strength to do any of this, for god's sake get a sexual health check up and make him wear condoms. Stop putting yourself at such dreadful risk.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe and rabbitseverywhere - By the looks of things, I don't think either of them have the mental strength to end it, mean it and see it through. It's not going to have any kind of happy ending. Heartshaped probably thought that he'd leave his wife, set up home with her and they'd be happy together. As the time has gone by though, it's looking less and less likely. They'll both know what they're doing is wrong and has awful consequences but their feelings are over-riding all that. The eventual split will be out of their hands and be forced upon them.
There's no point in anyone judging them really. None of us know what's around the corner. They shouldn't have got involved with each other but the fact is, they did. It's just a matter now of waiting for the whole thing to implode. You just have to hope that they both learn a valuable lesson from this and that his poor wife and kids don't get too badly damaged by it.

Of course you feel used,because you are.you're his bit of stuff.the up the bum woman
But you must have known by seeing a married man that'd you'd be the bit of stuff
So now he'll spin you a love ya line,and expect you too acquiesce.because you usually do

It might be worth mentioning that not every affair partner posting here is advised to quit, btw. Most are, because most are being used and in danger of sacrificing years of their lives. It's always worth pointing out the reality of the cheater's life - partner, kids, mortgage, etc - too. Now and again, there's an affair that looks as if it might be the right choice. This board's advice is different then. I thought it might be helpful for you to know we're responding to your situation specifically, not giving you some kind of standard script (leaving out a few hurt & angry rants, obv.)

What do you want to happen op?how you want this to resolve?

GarlicAprilShowers - I agree. The timescale in this though highlights that he hasn't got the desire/backbone/decency to commit to anything. The OP can't resist him. He's probably in turmoil. It's a disaster.