Last straw - Married Man - TMI

[heartshaped]

I'm so sorry, I am in an affair (myself single). It is loving, I love him and he says the same wholeheartedly (I know the script, i've read up, I can't recognise it at the moment). Only recently have I pushed him to consider leaving his wife, though I previously thought I was okay with things as they were - loving attentive guy, real kindred spirits in every way but I have fallen deep so pushed things. Last night he came over, I thought to stay, we had anal sex (sorry for tmi) which I have never done, and then he left me on my own to go home to his wife. I'm feel so so gutted and used. He's texting all day please can we meet up, why aren't I talking to him but I feel dreadful, drained and dead.

Brilliant! He's fucked up two women lives. What a star, what a prize

I'm sorry, heartshaped, you sound very sad right now as anybody might be.

He's a very unkind, duplicitous man who hasn't been straight with you. He's used you, as a pawn. Do you think it is in any way possible that the messages you've had from his 'wife' are actually from him posing as her? It would be an easy way for him to demonstrate his so-called commitment to you, wouldn't it? "My wife, she knows, she's all upset... I can't do this to her, blah blah".

I don't believe the messages are from her, I don't believe that he's told her at all - I DO believe that the coward realised that things are not running smoothly with you (because of his horrible behaviour) and he's moving back to the least painful option - his wife. I don't believe a word of what you post that he's said, although I believe you, heart - I believe he's told YOU these things but when he says he's done this and done that, I don't believe it. He has always done what is easy and the things that he's told you he's done are in no way easy, so completely out of character for him.

I wouldn't waste time and energy fretting about having hurt his wife because although you have obliquely, I truly don't think she knows about you or of you even. He is twenty-two shades of louse...

One day you will thank your lucky stars that you're no longer affected by him; but not for a while. For now you'll grieve for what you thought you had and it will be painful - but it won't be forever. Now is the time to find out who your friends are and let them do what friends do best. Absolutely make sure that he cannot contact you again, do whatever you need to make yourself louse-proof.

Best wishes, heart, you will rebuild your life and be happy again.

I think if you are single. you should run for the hills.

you are being used, and he will not leave his wife.

Lying He has told his wife. The fall out has been more than I can go into on here. But he has. Thank you for all your advice. I'm trying to get on. It feels so heavy.

Look, I can't keep away and have kept on reading. Do you know, I think most DWs have heard the same re: so hurt, can't leave dc, still love you, etc.

So what I want to ask you is in a few months/years down the line, you two are in a relationship, life has moved on and looks quite nice. Would you ever really trust this person? I mean, if you read this from the outside, would you?

I honestly think you would be on the side of "NO".

This whole situation is so fucking sad.

OK, heartshaped, I believe you. I just have a low opinion of this man's ability to tell the truth to you, or anybody.

I'm very sorry for your pain and hope that you have somebody in RL on whom you can lean for support. In the meantime, follow the mantra for any break-up; get through five minutes, then ten, then half an hour... and keep going.

If you can protect yourself from contact you will ultimately lessen your pain and shorten its duration. Better an end with horror than a horror without end.

On balance, I think the W in this situation is feeling heavier.

However, be kind to yourself and I hope you end up ok.

Just read your update, Heartshaped.

You will be OK. You fell in love with the wrong person - it's the easiest thing to do. You made a mistake and acted on those feelings, having an affair, which is always going to hurt someone, probably hurt everyone involved.

However, you posted here, and you took steps to bring things to a head and to end the affair. The fact that your MM left his wife for a few days shows that you haven't been a complete fool - he had strong feelings for you and was clearly thinking about leaving her for you. However, his ties to his family are stronger and he has now returned to work on things at home.

You will recover from this and be wiser and more cautious in future. You can now focus on other things - rebuilding friendships, which will have suffered through this deceit, rebuilding your sense of worth as a person, focusing on hobbies, getting fit, having fun - anything whilst you recover from the battering you have taken emotionally. With the help of MN you will remind yourself that you are worth more than this, and that although a new relationship is the last thing on your mind now, one day you may want to date again, with someone who is honest with you and with themselves and who can give you everything, not just half of themselves.

OP - the wife sent you a Facebook message? So, are you "friends" with her? She sounds as if she's in a bad place - knowing her husband is a cheat, suffering him walking out for a few days and then taking him back. And as for their poor children...
I'm sure you feel terrible. But I'm also sure she feels a whole lot worse. She had a life with this man - you had an affair at his convenience. You might feel heartbroken right now, but you can move on - if you want to. Its not going to be so easy for this ghastly mans poor family. they are the ones I feel sorry for.

Alchemist. That means a lot coming from you.

That's the thing longtall - I can't help but think how close we came to the relationship we talked about for so long. I just don't understand why or how he could change his mind. He told me that he'd told his wife so we could finally be together, and was so happy to tell me, sorted all his finances, was looking at properties. If he had followed the script word for word and continued to try and have both/gone back to his wife without disclosing or even told me outright it was her he loved and he'd made a big mistake, I could get my head around it more.

But yes, Alchemist you are right - I could never ever trust him. No.

No Katie. I don't know her. We aren't friends. I know she is in a bad place. It's all such a mess.

He changed his mind because sorting finances and looking at properties suddenly made it real life and not fantasy. And he loved the fantasy. The reality meant losing the home he'd built and his family, becoming a weekend dad to his DC.
The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshit.
I'm not trying to be cruel or flippant, heart, I'm speaking as someone who's husband decided to tell me about his OW, went to her, and then came back when he realised he couldn't give up his family for her.
I'm sorry you're hurting, I'm sure his DW is hurting far more.

Heartshaped - then change your Facebook settings so she can't message you again. And block MM too!
You need some time and space to try to move on - and you can move on and put this behind you, because he isn't worth it. You've said you can't trust him, so deep down I think you know there is no future with him. He's a player - he's played you and he's probably still playing his wife and children. You won't ever win with someone like him, and you won't ever feel secure with him.
Let it go. Let him go. Don't go through life thinking "if only" because that means you stay in the past and can never go forward.
It might not seem like it right now, but you've had a lucky escape.

Heartshaped, how was his demeanour with you while he was temporarily separated from his wife. Was he in bliss, was he distracted by thinking about his other life, was he able to sleep? Did you feel that he was with you 100%? Did you find yourself wondering "is he ok?" "is he thinking about the kids"?

The fact is, if he remained with you, life would not be easy. When a couple tries to build a future on shaky foundations (i.e., one of them leaving a partner after an affair), it's extremely difficult. I firmly believe that it causes a great deal of trauma, obviously to the betrayed spouse, but also to the one who left. Unless someone is extremely callous, it's not easy to block out the guilt, the children, the lost security of a solid future for the children. The finances! Everything. Arguments occur and believe it or not, a lot of OW eventually end up finding themselves jealous of the wife he left because of the time he wants to spend with his original family for the sake of normally. Also, the kids will always view you as the one who stole their dad. It's normal for any parent to put their children first and you are pretty much going to come out of every situation in second place. It's not an easy way to live.

I know you're heartbroken and sad. Of course you are. But you will be far better off in the long run to find someone you can build a life with on solid foundations. It's not easy to see now but you've had a lucky escape.

Dry your eyes mate and good luck.

Oh, heart There's no comfort in knowing we were 'right', any more than there was in knowing you'd go through this and learn for yourself. You must be feeling sad and disillusioned. Hopefully you'll feel angry soon, as well, because he really has abused your trust along with his wife's.

As with all heartache, it's important to acknowledge your feelings and also take good care of yourself. Please make sure you eat, sleep and get outdoors - you will be convalescent for a while, and it's wise to treat yourself that way. It will be a very good idea to mend your social life, do things you love to do, and congratulate yourself on each positive step made. You're learning stuff. Wishing you a good recovery.

You aren't being flippant Curt - I need to hear it.

Thanks Katie

Thanks Vagabond. Yes he seemed as happy as possible given we were both dealing with a very emotional fallout (though mainly aimed at me). It definitely came out of the blue for him to go back, though he had cried that he was missing his dcs.

OP I know you're broken at the moment but I believe he's done you a favour.

Just to add a little more of my own story - I believe the reason the OW who is now my ex husbands DP fell in love with him was because she knew he was (until then) a loyal and loving man and she was right in many ways. He was a man who a woman could easily love and wish they could have in their life. I've no doubt she wasn't the first to know him and envy the life I had with him which for many years was happy (but I'm not saying you were envious at all).

I don't know how it was when he left me for her - I don't know how they navigated through the first couple of very difficult years but I believe they did it together, supported each other and had each other's backs all the way. I think that's the difference between this MM you've been involved with and my ex husband although they've both done the same thing, lied to people, hurt people. He did no more and no less than he had to, to be with his now DP and she did the same.

Take heart from the support you are receiving here. Learn from it but don't spend the rest of your life beating yourself up for it.

He may come crawling back again if things get tough with dw, please find the strength to reject him this time and find yourself a nice bloke. They are out there, this one is a weasel. Sorry you're having a lousy time op.

Ultimately, he is a coward and unsure of his own mind. You don't want to be with someone like this. He would have always made you feel guilty even if it had worked out.

Thanks Gem - You are right. I hope I find the strength too.

akaWisey Thanks for continuing to share your story - you come across as a great, wise and forgiving person.

MM messaged this morning to say that he is sorry, I've given him the happiest times of his life but they are definitely going to go to marriage counselling (i'd guessed as much) and he could call me to explain his reasons if I wanted. Still struggling to understand the turnaround.

I'm guessing his reasons will be he owes it to his children and feels they are more important. Bottom line is he's a coward. He probably does love you but not enough to risk the chaos that would ensue if he left. He will go to marriage counselling and play the part. Then sniff round you a few months later.

Do not listen to his "reasons" do not let him contact you. He has made his choice and let him live with it. I doubt he will be happy but do you want to play this game over and over for years? Go find someone who will love you properly.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, I am probably too emotionally invested in this kind of thing. But I truly think you can have a lovely life without him in it.

It's probably a version of the sunk costs fallacy. MM has invested a lot in his family and he has a lot to lose if he leaves. I don't doubt that he wants to but also doesn't want to waste what he has invested in his family. Also presumably he loves his kids, that's likely to be a big driving force. Not just the ability to live with them but continuing the status quo so he doesn't have to pay maintenance, have sole care on weekends and what have you. He also probably doesn't want people to see him as the cunt who left his kids.
The wife is engaged in very common behaviour if you read these boards - she's marking her territory, circling the wagons and doing whatever she can to prevent him from going to you.
In a few months she may find her prize doesn't look so appealing but right now she will be weeping, pleading and possibly fucking like a bunny to keep him interested. He's bound to be torn, because he's a weak shit who doesn't want to take responsibility for what he has done. He will indulge his wife for a time then probably crawl back to you. I just hope you find so e self respect in the meantime.

Do not accept any more of his calls.