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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out about 'D'Hs affair

174 replies

Shockedandbrokenhearted · 09/04/2014 00:46

I've just found out my husband is having an affair with a work colleague. He has walked out. We have three children who are 5 and under, one of which is only 9 weeks. I feel like my heart is broken in two. Is there anyone who can hold my hand for a short while?

OP posts:
LongPieceofString · 09/04/2014 00:49

Oh bloody hell you poor thing. What a shitbag he is. Are you ok in immediate future, got food and money and things?

aziraphale · 09/04/2014 00:49

Hello, I'm here. I'm so sorry. Where has he gone and are the children asleep?

schoolchoicesdrivingmecrazy · 09/04/2014 00:49

What a shock. I'm so sorry. What a wanker to do that to you, let alone with such young babies. My hand is here...

yellowrose2728 · 09/04/2014 00:50

Wide awake with 8 week old DD....hand holding a plenty!

Would you like to talk about it or just have a (very un-mumsnetty) hug? Sad

aziraphale · 09/04/2014 00:50

Do you have family support nearby?

Original poster
Shockedandbrokenhearted · 09/04/2014 00:53

Thank you. I don't know where he has gone, probably to her I imagine. Kids are fine, older two sleeping and baby breastfeeding. I thought we were working on our problems and reconnecting. I was trying so hard, thought he was depressed (hollow laugh).

I actually accused him of an affair with this woman earlier this week and he got so angry and made me feel so awful. I'm not usually so pathetic but I'm so shocked and hurt.

OP posts:
Sleepyhoglet · 09/04/2014 00:53

He walked out- coward. Would you be prepared to reconcile?

nirishma · 09/04/2014 00:56

Oh honey. Such a betrayal. You've carried his child for him. The bit that gets me is that you are the one that has sacrified your body for the past five years to create a family and I bet he doesn't appreciate how much worse it makes it for you Sad. I hope that makes sense. It's what fuels my man hatred. They just don't get it do they?

Hugs and more hugs.

Original poster
Shockedandbrokenhearted · 09/04/2014 00:56

I love him and almost feel I would put up with anything to have him back. Hopefully that's just the shock talking. His phone was charging and I saw a message from her flash up, I wasn't and hadn't even snooped on him. I thought I could trust him. She's ten years younger than me, no kids. It started when our youngest was a week old.

OP posts:
Blueuggboots · 09/04/2014 00:59

So it's a short term thing then?
It's utterly shit of him BUT you need to decide where YOU want to go from here.
Hand holding. Envy

TheVictorian · 09/04/2014 00:59

I thought when a couple have kids it is meant to keep the relationship together ?

Original poster
Shockedandbrokenhearted · 09/04/2014 01:00

Thank you for your responses, it helps knowing someone is there. I will tell my parents tomorrow and they will be supportive.

I've read on here so many times about the script people follow when they have an affair and how they rewrite history. He has done exactly that.

OP posts:
Sleepyhoglet · 09/04/2014 01:03

It's not her and it isn't you. It's him being immature. He doesn't want her yet he's not able to cope with the changes and stresses in the family hone (new baby/tired wife). It's despicable that at a time when YOU need support he bails out.

Sleepyhoglet · 09/04/2014 01:04

Unfortunately he doesn't sound like a husband if he isn't there to help you through the difficult times. Is he remorseful at all?

Vintagecakeisstillnice · 09/04/2014 01:04

Thevictorian, I'm going to assume that your post was meant in innocence as in 'WTF how can a person cheat on the mother of their children' rather than the snide nasty way it reads.

If this the case you really need to communicate better. And remember we can't hear tone see facial expressions so you need to be clear.

If not, well you really are the illigetimate dogs mother.

Original poster
Shockedandbrokenhearted · 09/04/2014 01:06

He left shortly after I saw the message and he confessed. Said he couldn't handle me interrogating him and the guilt he feels about the kids. I didn't even go mad or shout. Just cried and asked questions. He really must feel nothing for me if he didn't even want to talk for a short time. I don't recognise this man.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shockedandbrokenhearted · 09/04/2014 01:07

He didn't even say sorry. I just think he feels sorry for himself.

OP posts:
Sleepyhoglet · 09/04/2014 01:09

So not really clear where he stands. Hmm. Tricky. Might be worth telling him you are prepared to give him a chance to talk and explain but that you are shocked and disappointed in his actions.

Sleepyhoglet · 09/04/2014 01:11

He may well be embarrassed. Do you know anything about the ow? Is it likely to be sex related or more his inability to cope with small baby causing changes. Is he very involved with the children?

Sleepyhoglet · 09/04/2014 01:12

I need to go now but I hope that somehow the situation can be diffused although I know it will never be the same. He is so weak. Don't let it bring you down and def tell your parents.

Bogeyface · 09/04/2014 01:13

Things to remember.

  1. This is not your fault, no matter what he says (and there will be times when he tries to blame you), HE did this. HE chose to behave this way. there is NOTHING you could have done to prevent this.

  2. You have nothing to be ashamed of, so if you want to tell people then do so, including his friends and family. Dont feel that you have to keep it a secret in order to protect him, he didnt think about you when he was cheating.

  3. He no longer matters. You and your children do. Go with what feels right when it comes to the kids, lie if you must, tell them Daddy is at work...whatever makes it easier for them and you. The horrible truth can be dealt with later when you are in a better place to deal with it.

Whatever he says about access to the kids, say no. He can see them at their home with you in the house but in another room, he does not remove them from you.

  1. Eat when you can, drink when you cant eat (soup, milky drinks not gin, although that has its place too!) and take multivits until you are back on track physically.

  2. Its perfectly normal to still love someone yet still feel the urge to stab them in the face with scissors. You are in transition between the man you thought you were married to and the man he actually turned out to be, it takes time, dont punish yourself or feel stupid for missing him.

  3. If you own your home jointly then legally you are not allowed to change the locks but you can ADD locks/bolts to keep him out. Also, you could lose your keys and have the locks replaced and forget to give him a key, but I didnt tell you that

  4. You need to get in before he does regarding finances. I dont know if you claim tax credits, CB, have a joint account etc but if you do then you need to remove your share of the joint account balance (usually 50%) into a seperate account. Contact TC and CB to get it a) paid directly to you and b) get the TC alterered due your change in circs.

Sorry to be bossy, but he will have been thinking about this for weeks, so will be well ahead of you. You need to protect yourself and the kids xxxx

Original poster
Shockedandbrokenhearted · 09/04/2014 01:13

He said he doesn't know what he wants. He flips from thinking we could make it work to thinking we have no chance. I noticed him distancing himself from the children too. He has only held our 9 week old a handful of times. He says he has been really unhappy for a long time but I don't believe that. I think he's had his head turned and ego boosted by attention from a younger single woman. I don't think I can trust him again (if he even wanted me) but it hurts so much to see my family's future torn apart.

OP posts:
Vintagecakeisstillnice · 09/04/2014 01:14

Anyway, Shocked I am so very sorry this has happened.

Please reach out to those who will support you in RL and remember there are some very caring and intelligent posters on this board (I only wish I had half their insight).

From your post it sounds as though there were issues already? And that you've been trying your best to work on this with no help?
You said you were working so hard.

It sounds as though (a) YOU were doing all the work & (b) the 'issues' were his, not yours as in you, or possibly 'you' as a couple?

Bogeyface · 09/04/2014 01:17

I should add that the fact that he left indicates to me that he was always planning to.

A man who was genuinely trying to keep his affair as a "bit on the side" would not leave his phone around for you to see the evidence. I think he wanted you to find out so he didnt have to tell you.

I am so sorry :(

Original poster
Shockedandbrokenhearted · 09/04/2014 01:19

Crossed posts, thank you all. Bogeyface your post rings so true. I do still love him and I feel ashamed. What is so awful about me that a man would give up so much?

We have our own accounts and pay a fixed amount into a joint account that all the bills come out of. I am on maternity leave at the moment so am very vulnerable (financially and emotionally). We don't get any tax credits but fortunately the child benefit goes directly to me.

Not sure what to tell my five year old? He's very sensitive.

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