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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out about 'D'Hs affair

174 replies

Shockedandbrokenhearted · 09/04/2014 00:46

I've just found out my husband is having an affair with a work colleague. He has walked out. We have three children who are 5 and under, one of which is only 9 weeks. I feel like my heart is broken in two. Is there anyone who can hold my hand for a short while?

OP posts:
Original poster
Shockedandbrokenhearted · 09/04/2014 03:00

Tallwivglasses you made me smile. I will keep posting here today and tomorrow if that's ok, it's really helping me.

OP posts:
Alchemist · 09/04/2014 03:06

Oh Shocked I am so sorry to read you are experiencing such a horrible shock and betrayal.

Several months down the line for me but the support and advice I received here really helped me and, for a couple of months, kept me going.

I hope you are now getting a bit of rest and send you my best. Just keep going Thanks.

JuliaScurr · 09/04/2014 03:16

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/adviceline.php#family_law_advice

just in case you missed it before

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 09/04/2014 03:23

Oh op I am so so sorry. I've been there, pregnant with dc2, dc1 11 months and the pain was indescribable. I feel for you but believe me you will get through this. Fab advice on this thread and I especially agree with Mrrected great advice. Stay dignified and keep contact to a minimum. Tbh the fact that he has walked out leaving You with your small children and this horrible news shows me that he doesn't give a shit. What a scumbag

Original poster
Shockedandbrokenhearted · 09/04/2014 03:35

Thanks Julia I've just looked at the link, need to get myself organised tomorrow. I suppose naively I initially thought he won't screw me over financially or with the kids but I never thought he would cheat on me either!

So sorry you've been through this too Journey. It's awful and I'm only at the beginning... I would never have done this to him, to our family. I would have talked it through, tried to make it work, feel so worthless and discarded.

The other woman knows all about my family. He says she chased him, told him how she felt when our youngest child was one week old! Has been texting him constantly asking how things are with me, will he leave etc. I know it's him I'm most (rightly) angry at but it seems such a mean thing to do by her as well.

I suppose I need an STI check too now. He swears he hasn't had sex with her yet, just lots of kissing etc but why should I believe that? We've been having lots of sex to get the marriage back on track. Lucky him!

OP posts:
bouncyagain · 09/04/2014 03:51

Hand holding from insomnia.

Yes, you need to check sti. But making sure you are ok immediately for cash is more pressing. Some of the sti checks can't be done straight away.

Original poster
Shockedandbrokenhearted · 09/04/2014 03:58

Very worried about money as I'm on mat leave. Will follow everyone's advice and look at benefits available and legal advice. We have a mortgaged property that I can't afford alone. I think the other woman lives with her parents (although he could be lying about that) so he may have nowhere to go long term until house sold unless he stays with a friend. Not my problem I suppose unless he comes back home.

OP posts:
technosausage · 09/04/2014 04:23

No words of advice just another one up doing the night feeds, make sure you take care of yourself, try and stay well rested and eat well.

GemmaPomPom · 09/04/2014 04:25

Don't sell the house!!!

Original poster
Shockedandbrokenhearted · 09/04/2014 04:29

Thank you technosausage. Sleep eludes me but hopefully I will crash out soon. Baby breastfeeding a lot at the moment too.

Why do you say that Gemma? Don't think anyone would give me a mortgage even if I could afford it. Not worked the finances out yet really.

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KathrynJaneway · 09/04/2014 04:39

Still up here, just reading your posts, I am so sorry this has happened to you! Big hugs!!

How could he be so callous, has he always had this cold streak in him?? I can't understand how he can distance himself from his poor innocent children especially a new baby.

Original poster
Shockedandbrokenhearted · 09/04/2014 04:50

I honestly don't know, I have seen him disengage with them these past few weeks and has never bonded with the baby. I ask myself over and over how he can be so cold. He was never the most hands on dad but he did seem to love them at least. How can he throw away what we have for an affair that's been going on (apparently) for 6 or 7 weeks? It seems like a mid life crisis (he's only 30). It was his idea to have our third child as he knew I'd always wanted three.

OP posts:
KathrynJaneway · 09/04/2014 05:06

So I'm guessing she's in her early 20s? She's in for a shock when she realises all the responsibilities a parent has. He sounds like an immature spoiled child, feels like he's not getting enough attention due to new baby in the house and two children so he goes elsewhere, what a prick

I'm sorry I don't have a huge amount of advice for you, not much experience in this area.

Isabeller · 09/04/2014 05:30

I'm awake with a small baby too. I hope you can draw some strength from everyone here and get all the RL help you need.

I will be thinking of you every time I wake up with the baby, I didn't have your exact experience but also had a very unhappy ending to my marriage a good few years ago.

I really don't understand how people (men mostly?) can be like this but it is horribly common*. I was terribly upset by the rewriting of history part which turned so many of my cherished memories to dust.

xx

*I think it should be as rare as a hurricane, I do know there are lots of good committed dads around too Sad

Original poster
Shockedandbrokenhearted · 09/04/2014 05:39

Yep, she's 23. An ego boost for him surely. I just can't imagine him with a younger woman, it doesn't fit with what I thought was his personality. He's like a grumpy old man!

Isabeller, it's horrible to hear him speak of our marriage as a mistake. It does make me question all the memories I have with our young children. I guess he has to think this way so he can do what he's doing with minimal guilt.

OP posts:
bouncyagain · 09/04/2014 06:03

My ex DW ended the marriage (not an affair). I found the rewriting of history painful. I have made a conscious decision not to have any photos at all. I don't believe she ever loved me in the complete way that you should in a marriage.

Original poster
Shockedandbrokenhearted · 09/04/2014 06:13

Bouncyagain, I'm sorry you have felt that pain. It's hard to take when the person who is supposed to love and care for you treats you this way. Not sure how I'll get over this to be honest. He'll always be in my life because of the kids. When I got married I thought I was creating a secure family that weathered the hard times together. I love/loved him but clearly he doesn't feel the same.

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siblingrevelry · 09/04/2014 06:28

You're nearly there op; the sun will be up soon and you'll have made it through the night.

My happy marriage fell apart on Sunday in circumstances eerily similar to yours, so I'm going to stand alongside you and hold hands and lurk on this thread to steal the advice you're being given x

Original poster
Shockedandbrokenhearted · 09/04/2014 06:39

Oh sibling revelry, it's awful isn't it? Here's my hand to hold. We'll get there. I haven't slept a wink, just lying here with my 2 year old and 9 week old. How on earth do I face the day? My 5 year old will be awake soon and the first thing he'll say is "where's daddy?"

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bouncyagain · 09/04/2014 06:40

shocked you will get over it. Or at least be able to live with it. Rely on your friends and family. New friends are good too.

It does change you as a person. I am calmer, much more easy going. I am also less trusting and more insecure.

bouncyagain · 09/04/2014 06:42

Where's daddy? No need for the full story yet. Daddy's staying with a friend for a bit. You'll see him on Saturday. Would you like some ice cream?

Original poster
Shockedandbrokenhearted · 09/04/2014 06:50

Thank you bouncy. I have to get over it for my boys. Someone has to care for them and put them first. I asked DH before he left what/when I should tell DC1 who is 5, he said "just tell him I don't love you anymore but I still love him and his brothers". You'd think if you really loved your kids you'd be there to explain and reassure them. But if you couple that with what he said about him not wanting the kids to take up all his weekend he clearly doesn't love them like I do. Don't want to upset DC1 before school so will make something up.

OP posts:
siblingrevelry · 09/04/2014 06:50

My 5 year old has just stumbled into the bathroom for a wee (I'm in the bath)! Fortunately, my DH worked away a lot so it's not unusual for him to not be here at times (I kicked him out on Monday and he's at his Mom's). My children are 7, 5 & 2- I look at them playing/sleeping and feel such fury; they are truly the best kids in the world, how could he throw it all away when we have friends who'd give everything to have happy, healthy children? We also had a happy marriage (I had started saying that I 'thought' we had a happy marriage, but I now refuse to let him re-write history; it was a happy marriage, which makes his behaviour all the worse).

I need to make extra enquiries today-I have two boys, so I need to know where I have to send then when they're older so they get to learn 'the script'. Someone must be taking these men aside, it's amazing how many past threads I've looked at in the last few days which could all have been written by me!

Logg1e · 09/04/2014 06:55

You said you'd be turning to your parents today OP, are they nearby? I'm thinking that you'll need some practical support today.

Keep going, you're doing so well.

siblingrevelry · 09/04/2014 06:55

If you've not told the kids any excuse for him being away, would distraction work? Sometimes if mine ask for chocolate I can completely change the subject and get them thinking about something else! Would only work short term, but a 'naughty' brekkie you don't normally allow (whatever that might be in your house: pancakes, jam/choc spread on toast, eaten on the sofa-whatever would be considered a treat) might get them away from answering the question (especially if you can get in first with a fake-excited "what shall we have").