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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out about 'D'Hs affair

174 replies

Shockedandbrokenhearted · 09/04/2014 00:46

I've just found out my husband is having an affair with a work colleague. He has walked out. We have three children who are 5 and under, one of which is only 9 weeks. I feel like my heart is broken in two. Is there anyone who can hold my hand for a short while?

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 09/04/2014 01:19

Xpost

They all say "I have been unhappy for ages" and when you pin them down, it turns out that they have been unhappy for just slightly longer than the affair has been going on. They have to convince themselves that they were unhappy in order to justify the affair. I dont think for one second that he was unhappy, he is just being selfish but trying to convince you (and him) that it was your failing marriage that caused the affair and not his affair that caused the failed marriage.

Bogeyface · 09/04/2014 01:23

You will get TC if you are on ML atm. Also, you are entitled to claim income support (or whatever it is called now!) and council tax benefit. If you rent then you can claim housing benefit, if you own then you can claim interest paid towards your mortgage. He MUST pay maintenance for the kids too, CSA standard rate is 25% of his net income (I believe, do check this).

Take care sweetheart, those of us who have trodden this path before you will hold your hand on your journey.x

Original poster
Shockedandbrokenhearted · 09/04/2014 01:27

I do feel like this is my fault. I neglected our marriage to care for the kids and he worked very long hours. But the past month I put everything in to save the marriage. He said the affair wouldn't have happened if everything was ok with us. So lost and confused. I'm not as emotional as I should be, scared of what will happen when it hits me.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 09/04/2014 01:35

I neglected our marriage to care for the kids

Really?

Or did you care for the kids, because they are all very young and need caring for and he had a hissy fit because suddenly he wasnt #1 anymore?

He NEEDS this to be your fault, he NEEDS your marriage to have been crap, he NEEDS to have been neglected and uncared for, because otherwise he was a selfish prick who put his need to get his cock sucked over the happiness and welfare of his family. No one wants to be that person do they? He is, but he doesnt want to be so he has to blame you.

THIS ISNT YOUR FAULT. He had a choice, he always had a choice. He could have talked to you, he could have helped you, he could have walked away a single man if it was that bad. He didnt. He cheated. He is a coward, he knows it, I know it and one day you will know it too.

Original poster
Shockedandbrokenhearted · 09/04/2014 01:42

I cared for the children alone all week, he left before they woke and came home just before or after they were in bed. Then was tired and disengaged at the weekends. Now I know why. Whilst I was struggling with a newborn and bedtime for the older two he was with someone else.

You're right I should be angry. He's so forthright though, has a way of making me feel like we're both at fault for this and it was inevitable. Thank you, I really appreciate you taking the time to help me. I will try to be strong for my children.

OP posts:
JuliaScurr · 09/04/2014 01:46

oh, no no no no no - it is not your fault Brew you have done nothing wrong; your husband turned out to be weak under the pressure of being responsible for 3 children so he reverted to adolescence

get some legal advice www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/adviceline.php#family_law_advice

Original poster
Shockedandbrokenhearted · 09/04/2014 01:53

When I asked him about when he imagined seeing the children he said "maybe pick them up Saturday morning and drop them off before tea, I don't want it to take up my whole weekend; I work all week"! Bearing in mind I work part time and care for them the rest of the time. My beautiful boys reduced to an inconvenience. Yet I'll have to tell them that daddy loves them, misses them etc because I would never want them to know or be hurt.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 09/04/2014 01:59

He was right on one thing, it really was inevitable.

He was always going to do this, the question was when.

One day he will do this again, and possibly again. Men like him can not be anything but number one, and as soon as it is clear that they are not, they wander off. He will do it to the poor sap who thinks she is special, different, understands him.... blah blah.

"My wife doesnt understand me" means "She understands me only too well and thats why I am feeding you bullshit, because you dont know me yet..." but one day she will. AH well, what goes around comes around Wink

VenusDeWillendorf · 09/04/2014 02:05

I wonder how the OW would feel if he had his kids for every second weekend!! Ha ha ha. So angry for you. "Bring them back before tea time" indeed..... Jesus.

Hugs to you, and you know you'll look back at this time and remember your little babe, and your kids and how lovely they are, and hardly remember that bloke who used to put you down.

Congratulation on the birth of your little babe!

Original poster
Shockedandbrokenhearted · 09/04/2014 02:16

Thank you, my boys keep me going at the moment. It makes me so angry for them too. He doesn't want to stay "and end up bitter towards me and the kids, thinking he should have left years ago". He will never ever admit he is wrong and will be currently justifying his behaviour to himself no doubt. His cursory attempt at "trying" at our marriage for the last couple of weeks ie not leaving earlier will ease his conscience. He didn't try at all, he admitted he was with the other woman the entire time. Wonder if he told her we were sleeping together?

OP posts:
vexedveg · 09/04/2014 02:17

oh Shocked. That is a terrible thing to find out at any time but especially now. Do what you can to keep yourself together until you can get the support you need form friends and family. He is the one who did wrong to you and your little ones and you need all the love, care and support you deserve.

Will check in on this thread in the morning to see how you are.
Thinking and sending much love and care to the 4 of you.

Bogeyface · 09/04/2014 02:21

Wonder if he told her we were sleeping together?

Well I wonder. Worth considering if you go down the adultery route for divorce! She could be named as co respondent (although it isnt recommended now), and would receive all the documentation......would love to be a fly on the wall that day!

AdoraBell · 09/04/2014 02:31

When you get some legal advice mention his comment about his children not taking up his whole weekend. And keep in mind what everyone has said - this is not your faut and he chose to do this.

As for him working all week, Awww the poor little lambHmm, a lot of parents work all week whilst dealing with something called the adult world.

So sorry you are going through this and I'm glad you have supportive family.

augenblick · 09/04/2014 02:32

Just wanted to send some very unmumsnet hugs and hand holding. Also on your people to call list, homestart tomorrow - are amazing for families in crisis. Turn to us are an advisory charity that will help with money, and what benefits are available.

There are lots of people rooting for you, love from one mum up bf her babies x

MrRected · 09/04/2014 02:37

Gosh your DH is really trotting out the standard party line. From the things you've said, he is acting in a truly, predictable way.

Angry when you first questioned him
Distant and runs away when caught out
Blaming you and the fact that he has been unhappy for ages

Shocked, I am so sorry that you are going through this. There is nothing anybody can say to make you feel better - try to keep on talking here and please, please lean on your RL friends and get some solid legal advice ASAP.

FWIW I think his immediate reaction to being caught is hugely damning of him (both as a husband and father). You have to protect yourself from further hurt, so if I were you, I'd take control and pack the remainder of his things and send them to him. Even it's not forever, at least until you have had the time to clearly think about what you need. I know this will be incredibly hard but he will mess you around if you don't take a firm stand. My other piece of advice and sadly it's based on experience is not to let him see you cry or get upset. Don't text him, don't contact him, other than to do with contact for the children. Even if you are scream and cry when he's not looking, don't do it in front of him. There is nothing more empowering for men like this than seeing the effect of their actions.

When all else fails, run a hot bath, cry your eyes out until there are no more tears and then put one foot in front of the other. These first few days will seem like years, but before you know it, weeks and months will have passed and the initial horror will subside.

Take strength from your beautiful children.

Original poster
Shockedandbrokenhearted · 09/04/2014 02:41

The support here is amazing, thanks to everyone. I have read every post carefully and will be taking your advice. It seems hasty to think of legal advice but you're all right, he's had plenty of time to think and plan already. I'll need to get active straight away before I sink into sadness about what could have been.

In some ways it'll be better if he sticks to taking the children out on a Saturday only. He's not very good with them and will hopefully give them brief but quality time which could be better for them?

OP posts:
MrRected · 09/04/2014 02:47

As much as he doesn't deserve to even see them, the children need their Dad. In the short term if he's a disney dad, it'll crucify you but it'll make it seem a little like a holiday for the children. How will he manage with the baby - can you express milk for him (you said you were BF'ing).

You need some time to yourself to work through the shock and formulate a plan. The only way you will reliably sort this is out is by calling on friends/family - this is so important. Don't try to do it all by yourself or worry about telling people. Do you have any family locally who can help with cooking/cleaning/just being there to do the bedtime/bath routine?

Original poster
Shockedandbrokenhearted · 09/04/2014 02:48

MrRected you speak so much sense. Unfortunately he has seen me cry and ask him to stay, but no more from this moment. I will not text again and will pack his things tomorrow. I'd be kidding myself if I thought I could ever trust him again anyway I suppose. Very telling that he ran away as soon as he was caught, couldn't deal with the fall out. I didn't even scream and shout, just told a few home truths.

In all honesty leaving his phone out charging after being so secretive with it probably means he wanted to be caught. So I can be the one that ends it to ease some of his guilt. Ugh.

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 09/04/2014 02:50

Me too. Cake you ARE going to be alright OP. You're doing great, he's a prize turd.

tallwivglasses · 09/04/2014 02:52

Ignore me, the thread moved on while was looking for cake. Strength and love to you OP x

Original poster
Shockedandbrokenhearted · 09/04/2014 02:54

X post. My parents are very local and will help me. I find it hard to talk to them but the practical help will be there.

Have not had much luck expressing breast milk but will try again. He has no bond with the baby. I've read little and often is the best way to build contact with very small children? Can see him worming out of that with the work excuse though. He has literally held the baby five or six times in nine weeks. I have friends that are more interested!

OP posts:
MrRected · 09/04/2014 02:54

Oh honey - never say never. You are going to swing wildly over the next few months between hating him and never wanting to see him again and being desparate for him to come back.

You need to make prioritise yourself in the short term. Bags can be unpacked if that's what is meant to be. I know, from bitter experience, that if he is given the chance, he will play you. I've seen it happen and then things get dragged on for ages and ages to the detriment of everybody concerned.

Pretend to be strong. Doesn't matter if you aren't. It's good he's seen the devastation he's wrought but try, from now on, not to be act in a needy or desparate way, that will only spur him on. Him and the OW will have a whole heap of self serving, excuses that they are trotting out to themselves. Don't add to those by looking like a deranged ex - believe me, they use it against you. The one thing they can't stand is a dignified response.

You were never in control of his pathetic, irresponsible, heart-breaking behaviour. You are in control of how you respond to it though. Don't expect miracles. One foot in front of the other.

xx

tallwivglasses · 09/04/2014 02:54

He's still a turd though.

EATmum · 09/04/2014 02:54

So sorry Shocked - handholding as an insomniac rather than anyone with useful advice. Your 'D'H sounds like a cowardly idiot with no sense of what it means to be a father or a husband. I'm so sorry he has caused you such pain. I hope your boys bring you comfort.

MrRected · 09/04/2014 02:59

You need to take legal advice in general but specifically about the baby too. Mercifully I have never been in that situation. My heart goes out to you. There is nothing more hurtful for a mother than seeing their own father push his children away.

If the baby can't feed, then I'd suggest you'd be looking at very short visits.

Glad you have your parents close by. Let them help.