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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out about 'D'Hs affair

174 replies

Shockedandbrokenhearted · 09/04/2014 00:46

I've just found out my husband is having an affair with a work colleague. He has walked out. We have three children who are 5 and under, one of which is only 9 weeks. I feel like my heart is broken in two. Is there anyone who can hold my hand for a short while?

OP posts:
Original poster
Shockedandbrokenhearted · 09/04/2014 16:09

I want him to beg for my forgiveness but he hasn't even done that. Just sorry texts, saying he's so confused and lost still, then nothing for hours. He must be with her now. This is so cruel. Argh! Must not text or ring him. Stay strong! Hasn't even asked how the kids are, just one tiny mention earlier on of being sorry to hurt them.

OP posts:
maggiemight · 09/04/2014 16:18

Money, money, money. That's v important imo, speak to solicitor and also work out what you need to get by. Find out if you can keep the house.

Regardless of whether he comes back to you or not. Cover your back just in cas, check bank accounts, what will CSA decide he may have to pay.

If she is 23 she prob isn't far in her career, he might be reluctant to pay his due to you.

Original poster
Shockedandbrokenhearted · 09/04/2014 16:26

It all seems so huge. Will try CAB or solicitor first I think when I can get the strength. Try and forget about him and whether he's coming or going.

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countingto10 · 09/04/2014 16:26

Don't listen to what he says, look at what he does. It's all about his actions now, they are what counts.

I did reconcile with my DH and our marriage is stronger than ever but this did not come about without at lot of work on both sides. My DH had to take a good long, hard look in the mirror and work on himself first and foremost. He took himself to counselling to work out why he did what he did and how he came to give himself permission to do it.

We were separated for about five months (he stayed with his parents) and we worked on our marriage during that time. We went out on dates and attended joint counselling, he helped with the DCs in the evenings and weekends (they knew dad had done something wrong and that mum and dad were trying to make it better for everyone). We did not want to live together again until we were sure we could make it work as the DCs were very traumatised when he left originally.

Take all the time you need here, work out what you want - you may decide that what he has done is unforgivable and I wouldn't blame you.

ormirian · 09/04/2014 16:32

"Don't listen to what he says, look at what he does. It's all about his actions now, they are what counts."

yes x1000

Saying I'm sorry is easy.
Actually begging for your forgiveness would be easy.

Actions that might be harder but more meaningful are:

Ending things properly with OW in way that leaves no room for doubt.
Making a serious effort to sort out the mess in his head ON HIS OWN, Working out a sensible plan of action to attempt to mend bridges with you and his family in order to enable civil and calm communication.

Whatever happens after that, those things are essential.

countingto10 · 09/04/2014 16:35

You've got to remember that the OW is jerking his chain ATM and all the while he is in contact with her he will be "confused". Don't underestimate what they have been plotting and planning in these last weeks (the ow in my case was planning a wedding abroad and a big "blended" family holiday to Disney world Shock - one can only wonder at the lies DH told her re our financial situation but as he says, he told her what she wanted to hear).

Try and step back from the drama he and she are creating, concentrate on you and the DCs , try and stay calm. You are doing well. There was a wonderful poster on here when I was going through everything called Whenwillifeelnormal, try and look up some of her posts, she was very wise.

Original poster
Shockedandbrokenhearted · 09/04/2014 16:40

You are all right. I should have looked at his actions not listened to his words this last few weeks and it would have all been so obvious. OW is young and childless, probably thinks this is all so romantic and she is special for tempting him away from his family. I guess she won't give up without a fight. I won't fight over him, I'm worth more than that.

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countingto10 · 09/04/2014 16:58

Another good article here and I recommend the book "Not Just friends" by Shirley Glass.

countingto10 · 09/04/2014 17:00

You might recognise the "spider woman" and "dumsel in distress" in that article Wink

JohnFarleysRuskin · 09/04/2014 17:05

You don't believe him when he says they only kissed, do you?

There is no way that's true.

He has behaved despicably and the idea that you have been sleeping with him under pressure to keep him interested - while looking after a newborn- and while he is seeing another woman- shows just what a nasty self interested git he is.

magoria · 09/04/2014 17:06

He is not 100% sure life is going to be better with miss younger and child free. So...

He doesn't want to say 'Shocked it's over and done, I am never coming back.' because if it doesn't work with miss younger and child free he needs a nice soft place to fall back on rather than be single.

You are being kept on the back burner incase.

ohldoneedtogetagrip · 09/04/2014 17:10

He doesn't know what he wants oh diddums..it's not about him anymore is it though!!. It is about what you want. As it stands you don't want him back, the choice has been taken away from him. He is not with OW through choice now but because she is his only option. She has NOT won, she has been left with the booby prize. She will always be wondering what if !!!!
Hold you head up high, there are tough times ahead and we are all behind you whatever you may chose to do. Maintain radio silence until you know what you want. Do not let him know what you are thinking or planning.Flowers

JohnFarleysRuskin · 09/04/2014 17:12

Yes. He is keeping his options open.

I think he thinks you'll welcome him back with open arms.

Original poster
Shockedandbrokenhearted · 09/04/2014 18:58

Just spoke to him as he rang to speak to the kids. He got angry when I started asking questions about the texts he sent me today about not being sure what he wants. He doesn't love me and hasn't for years. His reason for not discussing it with me earlier? He didn't realise apparently! He got angry with me saying don't make out the marriage was amazing before this happened and stop trying to make him out to be a c*. Don't like that word sorry.

OP posts:
ElephantsAndMiasmas · 09/04/2014 18:59

He is pathetic. I'm sorry you're having to see this about the man you married. You are worth 100 of him. Brew

Onmyownwith4kids · 09/04/2014 19:01

You're not making him out to be anything..He's doing that beautifully all by himself..If the marriage was so miserable what was he doing bringing another baby into it..My husband reinvented the past to justify what he'd done too. So sorry you're going through this..It's horrible

ohldoneedtogetagrip · 09/04/2014 19:03

But he is a c* !!
Stop engaging with him please-for your own good. he is rewritting history to allay his guilt. I bet OW was there when he phoned DS's. He is trying to win dad of the year. He will soon trip himself up tho.

Logg1e · 09/04/2014 19:16

I too am wondering if you need to put some distance in to your communications with him, for your own sake. Texts are too intrusive and informal.

QuiteSo · 09/04/2014 19:47

Many, many of us have been in your shoes and we're all still standing. Keep posting here for support. The advice and insights here have helped so many of us - myself included - through the darkest times.

savemefromrickets · 09/04/2014 20:23

Sorry if this sounds wrong, but congratulations on findings out what a complete arsehole he is now before you've wasted lots of your life with him.

You have three lovely children so you can't regret the past but bloody hell you are going to end up with a better future.

SocialNeedier · 09/04/2014 21:00

"Don't listen to what he says, look at what he does. It's all about his actions now, they are what counts."

De lurking to agree with this ^

His text messages are so pathetically token they're insulting.

Also, they're all about him. He's still the centre of his universe and you and the kids and the OW are just satellites orbiting around him.

You're doing brilliantly OP. Bare minimum contact about the DCs only is the way to go. I bet he's shitting himself and right now, dignified silence is your best weapon.

Let the wanker sweat.

I bet he doesn't look half as attractive to the OW now he's a homeless, middle aged weekend dad. Anyway, as PP said; she's the default option. Lucky her! She gets to be with a cheating shyster whose hand was forced to 'pick ' her.

How nice.

DIYapprentice · 09/04/2014 21:43

He's all 'me, me, me', isn't he?! Pffft, if he's so into himself then he can just go and be by himself.

So sorry this has happened, Op. But you know what? You can see him for what he is now. You can restart your life with a clean slate, as you have been honest and had integrity all the way through.

He's been a self serving, lying, git all the way through. He's probably right, the marriage wasn't amazing. But only because he was lying all the way through, whereas you were honest and trusting. You believed his bull, because you are a decent person. He isn't.

Original poster
Shockedandbrokenhearted · 09/04/2014 22:19

Our marriage wasn't amazing towards the end it was in a rut. He worked long hours, leaving before the kids awoke and returning when they were in bed. I worked part time and did everything in the home and for the children. He never in our marriage did a load of washing, not one. He never ironed a single one of his own shirts, never cleaned a bathroom. He couldn't cook and I bought ready meals to feed us when the baby was first born. Never did a supermarket shop, changed bedding or organised any bills. That is not a partnership anyway is it? Other people's marriages aren't like this?

He would do the dishwasher on a Saturday and take our oldest to his swimming lesson whilst I rested with the new baby. I always felt grateful for this like he was helping me out. Was I a total doormat and am well rid?

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Sleepyhoglet · 09/04/2014 22:24

You're right. That isn't a marriage. My dh works away in the week but does all the washing up, laundry, bins out and food shop (with me ). It sounds like your dh has been absent from this marriage for a long time and all he has really contributed is finance. You can certainly cope alone if that is the way you want to proceed.

Original poster
Shockedandbrokenhearted · 09/04/2014 22:48

The thing is even though I did everything for him around the house and since we started "trying to fix things" offering sex and affection at every opportunity he still wanted the OW and out of our marriage. I think he's now waiting for me to call it a day properly so he doesn't have to. He feels guilty at breaking up the family and wants to shift some of the blame.

I will do this alone and I know I'll do a good job with our boys. I fear being lonely a lot.

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