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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out about 'D'Hs affair

174 replies

Shockedandbrokenhearted · 09/04/2014 00:46

I've just found out my husband is having an affair with a work colleague. He has walked out. We have three children who are 5 and under, one of which is only 9 weeks. I feel like my heart is broken in two. Is there anyone who can hold my hand for a short while?

OP posts:
Legologgo · 09/04/2014 06:56

How these husbands manage to be "not very good with the kids@ ?!!

Original poster
Shockedandbrokenhearted · 09/04/2014 06:57

I feel exactly the same sibling, it's such a pointless waste of something that could have been so good. But time after time men do it. I can't believe how last week I grovelled to him, apologising for accusing him of cheating. Ha! This is not the man I married. He would not do this to me or his children for some woman 7 years younger. Except it turns out he would and has.

I've had some great advice and support on this thread, hope it's been useful to you too.

OP posts:
LadyCybilCrawley · 09/04/2014 06:58

You said your vows - you meant them - they were promises that you kept

He didn't keep them - he lied

That doesn't mean that it was a mistake when you got married

Just that he is a complete and utter twit who is flattered by the attention of a very young and immature woman - and he is not man enough to see the situation as it truly is - he is a selfish man-child who will never be truly happy unless he grows a pair because he will otherwise always believe that he is hard done by and "owed" something better than he has

However that doesn't mean that every memory was fake or needs to be queried - most of your time together will be real and genuine and you have three wonderful children to show for it - they were conceived in love - hold into that despite H.s subsequent dickwadishness

Mrscaindingle · 09/04/2014 06:59

So sorry for what you're going throughShocked sometimes I think I should stay away from the relationship board it just makes me so disillusioned with men in general, it seems so common place for them to behave like complete cunts, my own STBX included.

You have had some really good practical advice and while it is really tough on you that your kids are so very young - how could anyone walk out when they have a weeks old baby I don't know- at least they will remember very little or nothing in the younger ones case. It will spare them the pain and rejection that older children feel, in my case my 13yr wants nothing to do with his Dad and hasn't spoken to him or seen him in 8 months. I hate to see him feeling so bitter and hurt Sad

I hope you get some RL support, that really is important and Homestart sounds like a great idea you are going to be exhausted looking after your little ones and dealing with the emotional side to all of this is tiring in its self.

Good luck Thanks

Onmyownwith4kids · 09/04/2014 07:05

So sorry you're going through this. I'm going through exactly the same thing further down the line. It's sad they're so predictable wheeling out the same excuses. I thought my husband was depressed too and danced around like an idiot trying to make him happy. I've also had him making claims he hadn't been happy for a while. The sad thing is they rewrite the past to justify suddenly behaving like an overgrown teenager. I can not believe a man would embark on an affair a week after you gave birth. He should have been looking after and supporting you. There is no excuse and please don't look to yourself for blame. Look after yourself x

Mrscaindingle · 09/04/2014 07:06

Oh, and I so get what people are saying about the re writing of history, I can't look at any family photos without wondering was he unhappy at that time? And even pictures and keepsakes from happier times now have no meaning to me and I've thrown a lot of them away. My twatty ex went round telling people he had been unhappy for 10 years which was very hard to take.

Original poster
Shockedandbrokenhearted · 09/04/2014 07:08

X posts. Logg1e, I will call my parents this morning, they will come straight away but will be devastated for me.

LadyCybil, I think you've hit the nail on the head, he feels the world owes him something better than what he has. I'm not sure what though, we had a fantastic life by most people's standards. Nice house, cars, good jobs and of course three lovely children.

When I say he wasn't very good with the kids it's that he couldn't look after them on a day to day basis, cook, organise school stuff etc. He's also not very into playing with them, always on his phone. Thinks buying them things equates to being a good dad.

OP posts:
handfulofcottonbuds · 09/04/2014 07:13

I'm so sorry for you.

Been there, am still there sometimes. I'll check in later and post something useful Thanks

Fluffycloudland77 · 09/04/2014 07:20

Don't forget to ring the council & have him taken off the council tax, you need to reduce your outgoings now.

So sorry he did this.

Boris13 · 09/04/2014 07:22

You do not need him

You are better off without him

From what you have said so are your children

This is NOT your fault.

Do not let him blame you for not putting effort into the marriage.

Your children are the most important thing in your life, make lasting memories for them.
I know it doesn't seem like it at the moment but you will start to feel better, you will miss him less and you will soon realise that he wasn't worth the tears.

The children need you, and you need them!

Look after yourself, eat and drink well.

Get out of the house every day, even if it's just a walk in the fresh air and sunshine!!

Hand holding and thinking of you xThanks

Livvylongpants · 09/04/2014 07:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 09/04/2014 07:52

You've got a 9 week old baby and you've been having lots of sex to get your marriage back on track? All the while he's been seeing someone else? Fucking hell, he is a prize specimen of a shit isn't he?

Timeforabiscuit · 09/04/2014 07:54

holding your hand shocked - its hard, but make sure people know. Secrecy and misdirection only help him, if he wants back into you or your children's lives i 'd hope he has to do the emotional equivalent of crawling over broken glass to do it.

He will have had his ego stoked, now all the drama from "revealing" the affair (more ego, all these people want me), the card you need to play is icy cold disinterest - which will kill you by parts, but you will get an honest and faster response from him whether he can put the necessary effort into the relationship.

ChasedByBees · 09/04/2014 07:55

I asked DH before he left what/when I should tell DC1 who is 5, he said "just tell him I don't love you anymore but I still love him and his brothers".

He really is heartless and morally deficient isn't he? You'll be so much better off without him in the long term. Here's another hand to hold.

maleview70 · 09/04/2014 08:13

Get rid. Having an affair when your wife is pregnant is surely the lowest of the low.

And get this "I love him, I would put up with almost anything" bullshit out of your head.

LavenderGreen14 · 09/04/2014 08:21

He is following the script to a T. I really hope you don't beg or take him back when he crawls back when it doesn't go well with the OW.

You need to sort out finances, see a solicitor and read the Baggage Reclaim website. RL help will be invaluable now too.

Original poster
Shockedandbrokenhearted · 09/04/2014 08:23

It was almost as though he was angry with me. As though he thinks If I'd been a more attentive wife then he wouldn't have done this and wouldn't have to leave his kids. But it's not my fault it's his. He could have talked to me earlier tried to make it better.

I'm in the north west but thank you for the kind offer Livvy. And thanks again to everyone else for your support.

OP posts:
longtallsally2 · 09/04/2014 08:32

Offering another hand here, and just a quick word of advice. Whilst he is out are there any of his bank statements/wage slips in the house you can photocopy. The script tends to include with-holding financial information, so the more information you have now, the better.

Thinking of you and Angry for you. Look after your lovely dcs and let them look after you with hugs and giggles and picnics and chocolate spread. In years to come, you will have a lovely family and three lovely children who know what you did for them. He will be outside of that maybe with this bimbo or another one, once this one gets bored, or on his lonely ownsome.

LavenderGreen14 · 09/04/2014 08:44

He wants to blame you so he can give himself permission for how he has behaved.

I think these unfaithful men have a handbook - they all act in exactly the same way. Is a disgrace. You deserve so much better OP.

countingto10 · 09/04/2014 09:04

Someone linked to this in another thread which you will probably find very helpful.

I have been where you are as almost 5 yrs ago to the day by DH walked out on me and our 4DSs (always find the Easter holidays brings all the hideous memories back as he walked out at the start of them).

I can only reiterate what has already been advised, put you and the DCs first, do little things to make yourself feel better, new hair style, manicure, bubble baths (it does help Smile). Call on all the rl support you can - my Dsis came over after she finished work to help with the DCs, bath time etc - I could barely put one foot in front of the other (you are in post traumatic shock and need looking after). Get some legal advice as it will make you feel more in control when everything is spiralling out of control and your H is way ahead in this game and most likely has all his ducks in a row Angry.

Take care, this is nothing to do with you and don't let him (or anyone) tell you otherwise! One day at a time and remember this too will pass Smile.

countingto10 · 09/04/2014 09:06

The Script FYI Wink

Rebecca2014 · 09/04/2014 09:06

What does a younger single woman want with a man who has 3 kids? That's a high amount of child mantinence and a lot of baggage to deal with. How could she ever trust a man like that? Why is he such a catch?

maleview70 · 09/04/2014 09:43

You really have to question that Rebecca don't you! Is love really that blind?

Logg1e · 09/04/2014 09:51

"Love"??

Onmyownwith4kids · 09/04/2014 09:55

I know it's him that has made the commitment and betrayed the family but I still wonder what is going on in the head of a woman who knows the man she is pursuing has a wife at home who had 3 young children one just a baby. My husband's other woman spent a lot of time discussing how resilient children were and how easily they'd get over it. Great pearls of wisdom from someone who has no children if their own as is not going to be left as the one bringing them up single handed. Your husband will see what he 'a lost but hopefully by then you'll realise you're worth more than a weak, shallow man