Just found out about 'D'Hs affair

[Shockedandbrokenhearted]

I've just found out my husband is having an affair with a work colleague. He has walked out. We have three children who are 5 and under, one of which is only 9 weeks. I feel like my heart is broken in two. Is there anyone who can hold my hand for a short while?

Shocked you sound amazing. You won't be lonely for long :)

I wondered how I would cope with 3 children. In actual fact my life improved immensely. One less person to look after and I could focus on my lovely DC.

Yes being a single mum has challenges but tbh it beats hands down living with a soul destroying pillock

I'm so sorry this has happened to you and your little ones.
I've nothing more to add to what's already been said really but wanted to give my support and say that you will get through this.

Even though it probably doesn't feel like it at the moment, you are strong.
Your strength is shining through your posts.
Your children are lucky to have a mummy like you and the dickhead you previously called your dear husband does not deserve you.
Take each day as it comes and try to take care of yourself Xx

OP, I have huge respect for you. You will be OK. Yes, it's hard right now and of course you're feeling awful. But you are blessed with beautiful children and by the sound of it good friends and family, and of course the MNs here.

For what it's worth, I have three acquaintances - all men in your husband's age range - who did exactly the same. Left wives and young families for a young OW. And guess what? In EACH case, after a month or so, the OW dumped them. And all three tried creeping back to their wives and familes - and guess what again? Their wives wouldn't take them back.

OP, just wanted to add my support. Your dh has behaved in the most despicable way and he has the gaul to say "you're trying to make me look like a c**t"" He who started an affair when you had just given birth!!!! In addition he comments that he does want to see the kids but not so much that it takes up his whole weekend. Oh dear, he is a prize prick!

I agree that his contact now show very clearly that he is hedging his bets. Sorry, but you just don't come back from that behaviour the next day blaming the other person and feeling sorry for yourself. What a selfish person he is.

You, on the other hand, sound like a lovely person and a great mum. I send a hand to hold and huge hugs for you and your boys. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

No that's not a marriage at all.
That is you trying your hardest to do everything and keep it all together while he swans off to work and then back and contributes nothing to the kids or household.
The more you write the more I think you are well rid.
Let the 23 year old do all his washing, cooking, shopping, cleaning, ironing, tidying. And don't forget, she'll probably want kids at some point. As your 'D'H can't cope the ones now how on earth is he going to cope with more?

I think in a few weeks/months, he's going to come grovelling back.

I'm really sorry you are dealing with this, at a point where he should be giving you all the love and support (emotional and practical) that he can, not behaving like an immature, cowardly douchebag.

I've said this to other people here, and will say it to you, too - protect yourself as much as you can by keeping records of any contact you will have with him. Keep texts, emails, letters, and if you talk to him on the phone or in person, note down the details as soon as you have privacy afterwards.

This is useful in all sorts of ways, possibly in any separation agreement, but also not least in stopping you feeling like you are going mad from all the mixed messages and changing stories you are likely to get from him. I still loved my husband even when I threw him out after he'd cheated on me, repeatedly, while neglecting our kids, and if I hadn't kept a record of our conversation I'd have gone mad from the gaslighting - him saying terrible stuff to me then denying it later, and changing his story every five minutes. It was a huge psychological help to me whenever he denied something for me to be able to point to exactly what he'd texted to me!

Good luck, Shocked. And focus, always, on what's good for you and the kids.

Hi Shocked

Sorry you are going through this but after I read how absolutely bloody useless he is I'd say he's done you a massive massive favour! Your marriage was far from a partnership, have no idea how you ran the entire house, did all childcare and worked!! Insane. I couldn't do that. You will most likely find it easier in the long run without him, the man-child. I know you're hurting though, holding your hand all the way through.

Hi OP. He's messaging you because he's hedging his bets. A lot of them do. He wants you on the backburner just in case. Maybe it won't work out with the OW. Or maybe he will realise what he has lost. He wants you there, just in case. So he sends these messages with the thought that it will keep you hanging on for him.

My husband was a GOOD man. One of those that would never cheat, hated cheaters, blah blah. LOL. It's amazing what people are capable of. I've been through it all - the history rewriting (even now, years on he still claims that it wasn't his fault).

As to seeing the kids, I dont know. My EXH went through the Disney dad phase, then got bored of them and bitched about seeing them all the time, eating into his hobby time, social life. We reduced contact and now he's moved in with someone he can foist them off onto, he wants to see them more again. You have to do what is best for the kids, not for either you or your H, and generally a regular routine is good.

Look after yourself.

OP you are being so strong - your DC are very lucky to have such a good mum. I'm angry for you reading about your H's behaviour, you deserve so much better

Believe me when reality of three children sets in to his carefree young tart - it won't be so good then.

OP if you text. Make sure it's about saying when are you getting the kids. Don't say he's only seeing them at such an such a time because that's what he wants. He doesn't want them to interfere in his spare time. Well make sure they do. He made them. Also talk about money and tell him how much you want. Book him for baby sitting. Key him know your life isn't going on hold.

"carefree young tart"?

I'm here reading all your supportive messages, thank you so much. Today is hard, I have seen friends and they've been fantastic but I can't make this terrible pain fade. Every so often the sense of betrayal is so acute I just want to weep.

It will get better, just take it one day at a time

You have been amazingly strong

It's grief OP. And you need to go through the grieving process.

Unfortunately that means feeling really, really shit for a while. But I promise you, you won't feel this bad forever.

In a year's time you'll be high-fiving yourself for having got rid if the twat. But for now just be kind to yourself, grieve, cry, and try not to let his bullshit get inside your head.

Every day you go survive this is another day closer to you being happy. Just keep handing towards that.

So many typos in that last post. Sorry. You get the jist.

It is so painful and you do feel wretched. It's horrible. SocialNeedier gives good advice. There's no avoiding this bit, the grieving, the sense of betrayal, the shock. It isn't your fault, there is no excuse for his ( or her) behaviour, but that won't stop him trying to do exactly that.

I remember my ex telling me that when she was sleeping with someone else " our relationship was over anyway" mmmm....interesting....odd that she never told me that then. Also odd that, just like your h she basically forced me to throw her out before revealing their long affair. They don't get it, they never will because if they did they would have to own up to being completely selfish twats.

It is unbelievably hard but you will get there.

I'm seeing a solicitor next week. It feels so real now. H is still sending occasional messages under the premise of sorting out contact for the children. But then says how bad he's feeling, he's sorry for hurting me, he's still so confused etc. I wish I didn't care so much.

But then says how bad he's feeling, he's sorry for hurting me, he's still so confused etc

Appeasing his guilt imo.
Stick to email rather than messages, emails are easily printed out and wagged under a solicitor's nose if necessary.
The messages sound like manipulation.

Like a teen who stuffs his face with doughnuts then cries about stomach ache. Diddums. He had it so easy living under the same roof as you, his DW to look after his every need and for a cheap thrill now he misses home comforts and looks like a complete tool. No wonder he's confused he'll be asking himself What the hell just happened?

What Maggie said, communicate by email. Email him and say your phone is playing up, can you sort contact by email?

Well done for getting to see a solicitor.

Other pps are right that he's hedging his bets. My DH's ex did that, moved in with the boyfriend, took most of the furniture but wouldn't give up the keys or take the little nic nacs, ornaments her parents had bought, naice dinner service that was a wedding gift. Then she was mightily pissed off when DH and I met because that wasn't in her plan.

How are you doing OP? Hope you are ok

I have read all this in one go and it is so shocking that there really IS a script and at how pathetic some men are.

He thinks you still care about him. That is what he means when he is telling you he is "confused." He isn't confused. He wants to throw you a scrap in case ShinyNewBitOnTheSide is crap in bed now it isn't all exciting or he realises he can't fund his shag pad once he has given you what you and the children are entitled too.

I would stop reading his texts. Consider getting a new phone and just use it for him so you can ignore every text or call as you already know it is this prat you have the misfortune to be currently married too.

Your kids will be fine as the love you have for them is clear.

Sort things legally. Keep a diary of what he says - not wanting to have his weekend taken up by the kids is definitely something you need to repeat when it comes to access - and all the times he lets you down. You will need a big pad, Whsmiths do A4 ones.

It pisses me off the way these men have to cling onto you and drag you back to feeling shit when you're doing your best to stay strong. I had to resort to,"I'm sorry you're feeling sad and confused but it's not my place to offer emotional support anymore. Maybe you should talk to your girlfriend about it..."

so how many times does he use the words 'I' and 'me' in his texts???