Just found out about 'D'Hs affair

[Shockedandbrokenhearted]

I've just found out my husband is having an affair with a work colleague. He has walked out. We have three children who are 5 and under, one of which is only 9 weeks. I feel like my heart is broken in two. Is there anyone who can hold my hand for a short while?

these women justify the behaviour of these men by blaming the ex wives rather than looking at the whole picture. They follow a script too in my experience. Also the OW may have very low self esteem and be pretty damaged herself, or see herself as a rescuer of a poor man, the reasons can be plenty.

I am glad your parents are local, what a horrible shock.

He said the affair wouldn't have happened if everything was ok with us.

I am sorry can't read your H's comments like that one without wanting to say something very crude. His economy with the truth demeans what you had but unfortunately the rewriting of history has begun.

There's a wealth of wisdom on this board OP so hope you feel able to post and ask those who have sadly been in your shoes for advice.

How are you doing OP? Are your parents there?

OP do not let him shirk his responsibilities - your children. Make sure come a weekend he is having them. Do not let him swan here and there with his new girlfriend whilst your stuck at home. Alternatively. If you find you need a break this weekend after the terrible news you have suffered. You could always demand he stays at the house with the children whilst you take the baby to stay at your parents for the weekend.

Stupid foolish man. Stupid girl. I hope her family and friends are disgusted by her actions.

"He said the affair wouldn't have happened if everything was ok with us."

Bit of a rant ahead. Please, take it from someone who knows:

That line is a lie and a means of removing responsibility from himself and pushing it onto you. If he admits otherwise then he has to confront the fact that he's been a bastard who walked out on three children and a wife recovering from a recent birth. Much easier for him to start throwing out justifications and excuses for why he's acted so callously. Nothing you did and nothing about your relationship pushed him into starting an affair with a 23 year old. That's on him. That was his choice. He wasn't powerlessly buffeted into having an affair, he's a grown man and father of three who has complete autonomy over his actions. He chose to cheat, he chose to leave, he chose not to even apologise while he was walking out of the door.

I know you're worrying that if only you'd done something differently then it wouldn't have happened. But it's normal for relationships to have their ups and downs, especially when children are young and there are pregnancies and newborns and the stresses of day to day life. These things didn't make him do this. It wasn't your job to guard your relationship from him cheating. He had the power to behave differently, and if he was so concerned about things being okay then he would have put some work into the relationship rather than detonating a bomb in the middle of it. So please don't blame yourself and torture yourself thinking "If only I'd done x or y or z."

For him this is cognitive dissonance. He wants to believe he is a good person. But a good person doesn't cheat and leave their wife and children while they are at their most vulnerable. The solution is to shift blame, and as a result he can keep believing he's a decent human being. Actions reconciled.

This is not your fault.

Affairs aren't reality and if your H thinks the grass will be greener he may have a rude awakening.

As for OW she may have been spun a line about how unappreciated he's been, how stifled he has felt and only with her does he feel he can be the real him.

The test is whether now it's out in the open can H really look to her to make everything in his life great. Once he's dispensed with you, a scapegoat, who else can he blame when things don't go as he wants.

Thank you everyone. I've been sorting out the kids and telling some friends to get my head together and get some support. Parents have taken oldest school and middle one into town so I can rest with the baby. I've spoken to three friends who've been brilliant and are totally shocked at his behaviour.

I read the script and it literally describes my life over the last few weeks. I feel he's panicking a little now, texted earlier saying he never wanted to hurt me, can't see a happy ending, not sure that any of this is worth losing his family over. I texted back (maybe shouldn't have done this) saying he should have talked to me and tried to make it work not be flattered by a bit of attention from someone else. He's probably just worried about where he's going to live and how much money he'll have to give me for the kids.

So glad you are getting some RL support.
They will be your 'saviours' for now.
Definitely get some legal advice.
Of course he's panicing now.

He has to financially support all of you which won't leave much for him to wine and dine the OW!
Make sure he does have them overnight every other weekend.
Why shouldn't he? They are his kids too!

But..... one step at a time for now.
Book appt with a solicitor
Contact CAB to see what benefits you are entitled to
Contact CSA to see what your 'D'H should be giving you in maitenance payments.

I would also be telling him that you are NOT telling the kids.

He can tell them with you there (to make sure he doesn't make it about you at all!)

I hope all goes OK today.

Keep posting for support.

Didn't want to read and run - I'm so sorry your H has turned out to be such a cowardly turd shocked

Remember you are in shock and by the looks of it didn't get much sleep last night. Be kind to yourself. Be gentle with yourself. You've got great advice here. You don't have to communicate with him or do anything at the moment.

My text back to him would have been

"yes there will be a happy ending for me. I have my family, friends and 3 wonderful DS's who l will see grow up and l will ensure that they turn out to be fine outstanding young men unlike their father--most of all l have my integrity. Unfortunately l can't see a happy ending for you-you will have to live with the knowledge that you are a cheat and a liar and have been exposed to everyone as an adulterer. You will be on the periphery of your DS's life and have to live with the knowledge that you let their mother down when she was most vulnerable. I hope it was worth it. I deserve so much better than you."

That'd never fit in a text.

Keep on going Shocked. Try not to respond to his texts, make sure you save all of his though. This is not about hurting or controlling him, rather about giving yourself some time to work through what he's done and what it means for you. Listening to his platitudes right now will only complication this awful situation even more.

I am so glad you have some RL support. Lean on them and don't allow yourself to be swayed with his meaningless drivel. He had the chance to be open and apologise. He had the chance to bond with his baby. He had the chance to grovel and tell you all the things you deserved to hear. He didn't take his chances and ran away like a coward.

I am not saying it's forever, but for the time being concentrate on yourself and the children. Take care.

Ohldoneedtogetagrip that is awe inspiringly good. That should be one of those pre-recorded text messages available on your phone when you buy it.

My ex did something similar to all this. When we got divorced I assumed he'd want joint custody, but he said no - you wanted the kids you have to look after them now - like it was a punishment!!! I was bloody delighted. He has them every other weekend and half the holidays, which means I get more time off than I ever did when we were married. He never misses a weekend as that would mean he wouldn't be able to brag about what a marvellous (NOT) dad he is. Divorce has been bloody marvellous for me. Also after a year he tried to get joint custody and was laughed out of court (in France), so it turns out he wasn't just an arse, he was also a fuckwit.

My only advice would be in the long term, do let him have the kids over night regularly (once a fortnight say) as you do need the occasional uninterrupted period of time alone, to stick yourself back together (sleep, massage, bath etc). Also it might wake him and the other woman up a bit.

Ohldoneedtogetagrip, great text! I'm still receiving self pitying texts about how he never wanted to hurt me or the kids. Probably sending similar things to her. Stupid me still cares!

So tired, going to rest on sofa with baby. Friend coming over tonight so won't be alone all evening.

I'm sorry OP. My STBXH did the same to me two years ago except the ow was 26 and was 46. He told me that she had promised to make him happy - the cheeky cow! I was left with two young boys who adored their F. Their F sees them twice a week a total of 15 hours a week. I've tried to encourage more but it doesn't happen. The only decent thing is that he has continued to pay the same amount into the joint pot as he did when with me. I'm waiting for the ow to stop that soon! It will get easier. The best advice I had which I didn't follow is no contact. It is hard because you cannot understand why and I thought he was depressed too.

I think you should copyright that text - is marvelous. Wish I had sent something like that.

Op....

So sorry you're going through this. Stay strong. Look after yourself and get through these early days best you can. Remember your hormones and body will still be dettling down so be kind to yourself- keep eating if you can, little and often. Try to get rest.

Lean on your family and friends. Take your time to reflect on it all and plan your next step.

Sending a hug.

So sorry, shocked. Such a gut punch when it happens. Be strong x

Please think about actually sending the text. Just for a bit of balance , marriages can survive this if both parties behave like decent human beings after it has come out. He quite frankly is behaving like a dick. Unfortunately you are better off without him. If it was an abberation he would have finished with her regardless of whether you were prepared to stay with him. It feels to me that he has never properly grown up.
In time it will get better & you will know that you behaved with integrity.

He sounds like he was never much good and is on a downward spiral into being a complete and utter shitbag.

Just one thing, DO NOT BELIEVE what he has told you about the other woman. It might be true, but it's more likely to be lies. I was taken in by a man a long time ago, who had told me he had already left his wife (no kids) - he was so convincing I still have no idea whether he ever left her, or just "went back" to her. I couldn't have been less interested in pursuing him, it was all the other way. Obviously no idea about your husband's OW but remember every bit of blame he puts on her is some he's taking off himself, so he has a very powerful reason to lie about how this panned out.

Posting here so I don't text him. He sent a text a couple of hours ago saying he wished he could erase the last couple of weeks and was sorry. If he was really sorry he would have begged for my forgiveness and not run away right? He's just hedging his bets surely?

He's hedging his bets and panicking because his the fantasy that he built up in his head and with the other woman hasn't come to fruition. The shit has hit the fan and he's covered in it.

Keep avoiding him. If he calls or comes round and begs for forgiveness whilst laying out exactly how he's going to make it up to you, then you can think about your future together. Otherwise all he's doing is looking out for himself (as before) and paying you lip service.

Messages saying a big part of him wants to make it work, then silence for hours. Why is he still messing with me?

Because he thinks he can. The best thing you can do is not let him think he can by putting on a front.

He's messing with you because he's a selfish arse.
I would tell him to leave me alone for a few days and see if he will do that.
If he won't and keeps bothering you then he's still not listening to you and your needs.
Give your phone to someone to check and only respond to texts about access to the kids for now.
Let him stew.
He's probably missing his 'wifey' back at home. Taking up all the slack, washing his clothes, shopping and cooking for him, tidying up after him etc......
For now this is about you and what YOU need.
He will be whining about how hard done by HE is. Yep, seriously, he will. Just wait and see.
He doesn't deserve any sympathy at all right now.
He walked on you when you need him the most.
When he does come back after having left you alone for a couple of days, he needs to have a damn good plan as to how he's going to win you over and find ways to prove to you that he is deserving of you.
He needs to fix this if you want him to. You can't fix anything as you didn't do anything wrong, despite what he claims!!
God I hate men sometimes. They are so utterly selfish.