Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships - thread 29

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Will I ever not doubt myself?
Will I ever not second guess each and every word and action?
Does it ever stop?
Tonight I have so many things I want to say to him, because part of me still feels the need to try and make him understand. Even though I know he'll never understand. I don't know if that's because he can't, or because he doesn't want to.
I thought separating, being 'out' of the relationship, would make it alright, would make me 'ok'. And for the best part, I am ok. But somedays it's an inward struggle and I realise that part of me is still very broken and hurt and hopeless. I let him do that to me. And now I'm fixing it alone, whilst staying a strong, smiley mummy for those three amazing little people asleep upstairs, who he's happy to turn his back on. How can he do that? How can he sleep?
Not having the best day. Or night. Sorry all x

oh and here's one for us #notfuckingplastic

passing you the brain bleach Curt

Thanks fairy..definitely in need of it tonight.

very funny, very serious, very well done, and abusive men are not liking it at all #notfuckingplastic

the non-abusive men approve.

We will always have them in our lives as long as there are children in common. That's a fact. But I think the onus has to be on us to change how we deal with them and how we let them get to us. We will never change their behaviour and THEY certainly are never going to change their behaviour. The things we do are for damage limitation and self-protection IMO.

STBXH hasn't seen the DCs in over 2 months. I've provided opportunities for him to see them, but because it wasn't precisely to his conditions, he refused and cancelled. His choice. I refuse to feel guilty about him not having contact when it was HIS choice. The DCs aren't bothered by it. I remember what they were like during and immediately after contact. They're doing much better now, and I will not feel guilty that they are not having to deal with his aggression and shouting and swearing at them or his rough treatment of them that sometimes ends up in them getting hurt.

He's not paying his child maintenance and at this point, I don't care. It only serves to remind me that our DCs are way down on his list of priorities well past porn, his mobile, booze, the OW, her children, and pretty much everything else. I could report him for it and have them go after him, but he's unemployed (and most likely will remain that way for awhile), so I can't imagine that they'll get anything out of him anyway.

I'm tired of second guessing myself and worrying about what he thinks. I'm trying to push myself to be more comfortable with my own decisions. I've checked and double checked what I'm doing in respect to contact with the DCs and their safety and such (with social services and with a solicitor), and I'm comfortable that I'm doing what's best for them. I'm happy with that.

Yes, STBXH irritates me. But it's getting less and less, as I stay NC more and more. It's like I had a jar full of bees, all buzzing, but slowly a few of them have died out, and there's only a few buzzing about now. So it's more tolerable. (until he kicks off again, right?)

so he hasn't continued to come toyour house and abuse you? He's chosen your setting up reasonable contact as his 'excuse' for not seeing his DC as thats his way of hurting you and getting out of any responsibility. His choice to leave the DC like this, but they are spared his abuses at least.

No, I cannot make his stop, but his will be done. I cannot say no to anything, and have it respected. He will do whatever he wants, take the DC and not return them, shout in my face, in public or not, humiliate DC and denegrate me continually. This isn't outright 'Your DM is a ... , or a .... ' Its 'oh well she would', or 'I'm surprised she likes this as its actually quite good'. However, considering someone who has never met me said the most appalling things to me (said being an understatement of the way it was delivered) it is clear the level of hate campaigning thats going on and my DC when there are exposed to this. This one doesn't accept even the simplest of boundaries, any comment results in just more and more. I cannot protect even my home, he will stand outside, watching. Watches me when out. Will not stay away and never will and will never stop.

If I don't learn to live with it what do I do? Learn to live with him turning up at my door to bellow in my face, learn to not be scared by someone that to all intents and purposes wants to rip me limb from limb. I think its unreasonable to expect someone to be able to cope with this.... and if I can't? what then the DC.. they go to him.

Fi I wasn't having a go at you. I was only saying what I have had to tell myself to get my head around it. My STBXH doesn't come to my house anymore as I have made the decision (prompted by a counsellor) that it was an unhealthy situation and could not safely continue any longer.

It IS unreasonable for you to have to cope with this. Honestly, some days I think there should be "contact facilitator" companies. A sort of "child contact centre" and coordinator all rolled up into one. They can be the go-between for a small monthly fee, and make the contact appointments, and document contact and refusals (and any unreasonable behaviour) and provide a "statement of contact" every 3 months for parents to use in court if need be.

oh please no! I didn't think you were Alice my blunt response is not reflective of your completely reasonable post, its my frustrations at searching for answers, as I don't know what to think or do and feel as if I should be coping because after all there are lots who just completely move on from these men.. but he was told not to come, but he does anyway, the police told him not to cdall or come, but he did anyway, and our local outreach service has told me to get strong and ignore it.

So I feel to blame that I am not strong enough and then what can I do.. go down under it all and who will have the DC .. him

btw did anyone watch the link clip?

can't watch it as DCs are nearby. The moment you tube comes up, they are asking to watch every video under the sun.

So if he's coming over after being warned by the police, is he being charged with domestic harassment? Are you ringing the police each and every time? Pressing charges each and every time? You have to. I know it's awful, but it's honestly the only way to deal with that type of behaviour. He has to be forced to follow the law and in order to maintain that, you need to utilise the police as they are intended to be used. It sucks, I know - I have been there before and it's frustrating, but after a while, you do start to see results. The harassment gets less - either due to the fact that it finally starts to sink in that you're going to ring the police on him or due to the fact that he's too stupid to figure it out and lands in jail from crossing the law once too many times.

i've been told by police that the reason he is breaking the injunction in place against him is because he knows I won't want him to get arrested!

and they're right. I don't. I don't understand myself. I want them to act on the information I give them and they don't, they make excuses for him. I have to apply for commital proceedings. i don't want to do it, and can't take it any more. He's managed to get all the allegations I madewithdrawn because I couldn't face him in court. This system badly fails women in these terrifying abuse situations in forcing them to face their perpetrators and expecting them to be up to the task of fighting through the courts, verbalise the stuff thats been intergrated and minimised over years of living with it. He's also now set up his own line of communication with the police to counteract my reports, and they are enforcing his line now. That he is entitled to roam free anywhere in the country under the protection of her majesty's constabulary, ha, jerk.. FW. You see that means he's entitled to cometo my home. You have to go through the pain again in order to get an injunction set up another time, and show that he's contravened the last one (but the police won't act, so how can you prove that).

I watched it fairy very well done those ladied. I can't abide the original.
I think my issue with stbxh is that regardless of everything he's done, I've continued to facilitate visits with our DC in my home and it's still not good enough. I occasionally challenge him over his priorities because why the hell shouldn't I? Why is it only him that gets to question me or my motives? How long do I let him get away with pretty much anything he likes? Changing or cancelling visitation days/times, keeping me hanging not knowing what time to expect him. I spent years biting my tongue, walking on egg shells so as not to rile him. Why the hell should I still have to do it?
'Normal' people accept questions are a part of day to day life, they usually answer them as best they can and move on. Not stbxh. Questions are interrogations or personal attacks to him. And will be met with shouting and verbal abuse.

Fi but there's no point getting the injunctions if you're not going to follow up and press charges. I KNOW it's horrible. I have been there. I had 15+ years of this from my first H. But the injunctions have no teeth if you don't follow through. They're not a deterrent in themselves - they are a tool (much like your ex

Hi just sending love to all. Fairy I'm thinking of you xxx I am nearly there but one more hurdle to go. It's been mind blowingly exhausting and draining but I am nearly myself again. Xxx

Okay, now I'm worried I've upset you Fi. I honestly didn't mean to! But support sometimes means that we say things that might not always want to be heard, I guess. I know that I've had support that initially stung a bit, but I realised afterwards that it was what I needed to hear. If you're struggling with less police cooperation, it may be that they are frustrated that the tools are in place to deal with your FW but their hands are tied unless you press charges. They're just trying to do their job to help you.

I hope everyone is alright today.

Breathe glad things are progressing for you! Good to see you!

CurtWild how's the NC going?

oh no! please don't worry.. .I know that you are right..

I know totally now that I am being totally passive aggressive about the whole thing. As I spoke to the police last night, and an instance that I gave them they wanted to take all details and pursue and my gut reaction was to put the phone down! I know.. Iknow, it is weak and gutless and pointless in pursuing it if I don't follow it up, but in this instance it seems that the solicitor was at fault (without going into id'able details). I think that there is a lot of game-playing going on.

Please don't feel bad. I think exactly the same. I was ok if the police took responsibility for doing it, but not if I pursued it. they asked about others and I said I had reported some things and was urged to let them act [at one point some months ago]. I am desperately wondering right now how to change my email, the local outreach do expect me to just get over it and be non-plussed by any emails he sends that he shouldn't, but I don't ever want to get another email from him again and the only way to do that (I have alread blocked his address, but then he uses another address). Everything I have is tied up in two email accounts in my name. I set up a new one for court stuff and its been ignored totally.

So I have to delete all three. Which wipes out all my work emails/contacts and I've been trying to find a way to do that as I just can't do this anymore. I have been wanting to delete my email address for ever, but its tied to everything, and its right in the middle of a very hectic time for work, study, and court, and not keeping head above water with any of them.

I can't say these things and then not have the balls breasts? to follow that through.

good to hear from you breathe - sounds like you might be nearing the end.. Hope you are very soon there xx

Hi alice and all. NC was broken on sunday night when I got a text from a random number accusing me of cutting contact with stbxh and making life a living hell for him. Initially I ignored it but after thinking on it a while sent a text to stbxh saying he was obviously spreading malicious rumours and giving my number out. I said if I got any more texts from random people I'd change my number and if he ever wanted to contact me in the future he'd have to email because I can't trust him to not pass my number on.
That was followed by huge texts saying how hard he's had it, how difficult I'm making things, how much he loves our DC. I had to point out that for someone who loves them so much he hasn't even text to ask how they are in ten days, has no qualms using them to control me and can cancel a visit on a whim. Not exactly ideal parenting.
Of course everything is my fault. As usual. So I put it in very plain english: do you want to be part of our DC's lives or not? No reply. You would think even a fw would realise at that point that his DC's mum is done messing about and it's time to be have an adult conversation, be bit humble and give a straightforward answer. Nope.
Much, much later he text to say what are we doing to make him want us in his life?!?!???!!! When I didn't respond he sent text after text saying talk to me now or never again. I text back to say I was switching off my phone, that he does not control me anymore.
Woke up this morning to further texts saying he'll never speak to me again if I don't switch my phone back on and he won't contact me again. How he thought I'd see that with my phone off I'm not sure .
I've sent one text this morning saying that whilst he's wondering what we need to do for him to want us in his life, perhaps he should look at what he's done lately to make me want to keep him in ours, and that if he cuts contact to remember that he instigated it -again- and not to expect me to run after him because I won't.

CurtWild Unfortunately, I think you need to stop engaging through texting. I think you need to contain the discussion to responding only to direct and polite requests for contact, and that's it. Advise him that anything else will be considered harassment and will be reported to the police. And then stop responding to him. He's just trying to pull you back in.

its obvious to me Curt where you are coming from and you have made it very clear (the first text) where you are drawing your line.

More importantly its obvious to him too. Enough said... save your precious energies. You're right, don't run after him.

Much like my STBXH when he sends texts that he thinks I will argue with. It takes will power to just ignore, and I often struggle with it. But I am trying to remind myself that I am not going to change his opinion - he believes what he believes (however wrong that may be), and all the texts or conversations in the world won't change his mind - so why waste the energy and effort and time? Detach and ignore. He can say what he likes - that doesn't make it true. He knows what he needs to do - a reasonable request for contact. He's just trying to wind you up - don't let him! Consider reporting him to the police for harassment - give him something else to think about. Hold him accountable to THEM for his behaviour.

Thanks alice and fairy. My main issue is that none of his texts are asking for contact, they're all along the lines of if I don't respond I obviously don't want him in their lives, or if I don't interact I'm being obstructive in him seeing them. No matter how many times I explain that as the NRP it's up to him to arrange contact, he still turns it around to be my fault he's not arranging contact by being difficult to communicate with. I also agree with what you said alice about him trying to pull me back in, he even mentioned 'coming home' in a text last night. Firstly, this is not his home, and secondly, not a chance.
I think his problem is that he can't separate his anger with me for leaving, and his relationship with our DC. A couple of times now he's said he can't bear them thinking that he broke up their family. Surely then he should be showing them he's capable of being a good dad and not punishing them and continuing to abuse their mum? His words do not match his actions.
It's so frustrating and as much as I'd love to ignore and take the high ground, there are times when I just can't.

Then I think it's time to tell him in very clear terms to stop harassing you by text or you will report him to the police. And then do it.

I know, I know. I'm very pro-police this week.