Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships - thread 29

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

CurtWild Have a lovely day - I'm sure you will enjoy it!!

Hi, thanks for the reply.

In a nutshell, the situation is married for 10 years after meeting very young. Two chn, 5 & 2. Long term plan means staying for about another year, until youngest is out of crippling childcare. Ideally, DH would have his vasectomy and my ancient car would be replaced with something newer and no finance.

I'm currently dealing with lots of EA - last night was bad - he basically told me that I had to give him more 'affection' if I wanted him to be nice to me. By nice he means just being civil/respectful.

I'm constantly on eggshells but holding on at the moment.

Is he telling you basically that you need to give him sex if you want him to be nice? You can't live like that.

Yep

Please ring Women's Aid and speak to them about this. 0808 2000 247

I suspect that STBXH is now up to something. It looks like he has been trying to put together money from payday loan sites, as a few emails have gone to his old email (on my internet account) showing that he's applied and been accepted. Court perhaps?

Honestly, I do not understand this. He will either be thinking of pushing the contact visits or pushing through the divorce. But he can't say I'm denying him visitation. He was offered supervised time with them yesterday but refused (by text). And if he claims he didn't have the money to visit them, then how does he explain then having the money to get a solicitor? Odd logic by all accounts.

Alice just popping by to check that he's not using your address (his old address) for these loan apps?

Its really hard, any time you find out any information about what he's up to and its torturing you. Detach from his email. He can accuse you of stalking behaviour in court if this comes up?

You in the meantime are trying to 2nd guess his motives all the time, which means you are very attached to his behaviour still and thats not good for you.

Him knowing that you have access to this (? possibly) could be reason for him doing it too.

Mouse what you describe is sexual abuse amongst other things, not only the EA, but SA aswell. I second Alice's suggestion to contact the professionals to help you out here as quick as possible. In reality this kind of stuff far outweighs any cars possessions or other plans for things to be a better time to leave? The only good time to leave is when you /dc suffer his abuses and you can leave safely.

Fi oh sorry, I didn't explain that very well. It's an email account on MY internet service, that he shouldn't be using. But he was having bills and such sent to it, which is why I check it once a week, in case there IS something going through using my address. That's all. It's not stalking as it's technically my account - it's protecting myself. HE cannot access the email anymore as I've changed all the passwords on all email accounts. But he's got form in the last year for running up debt and just dumping it, so I don't want any surprises. This way if I get anything in the post, I can link it up to the email and it will just be more proof of him trying to cause problems for me in court. Hence not just deleting the entire account - there are some emails on there that I need to keep as proof of some dodgy stuff he's been up to.

I'm certainly not torturing myself over it. He'll look like a nutter in court going in saying "She is denying me contact with the DCs" when I point out that I offered contact and he refused by text (so a record of the entire exchange). I was just wondering out loud at the weirdness of it all, I suppose.

I'm sure he knows I have access to it, as the password has been changed and he tried to get into it in the last month (without success). But what's he going to say? "You bitch, you've locked me out of my email that I used for porn and dodgy financial stuff?"

I assume he has a new email, which I don't know and don't care about. I have no interest in his current email, I only am checking weekly on the old one that is linked to my internet account. I don't want to have any trouble from something dodgy he's done on there, so I've locked him out of it and other than checking it weekly, I don't worry about it.

you sound so on top of it Alice!!! so cool.. well done you, thats brilliant... absolutely.. if he's fool enough to give people that email, or not provide his new email address to these companies, thats his lookout ha!

I guess he can still give it to people tho knowing that you would see? but you sound a match for any of his tactics. Sounding strong there ... x

One of the main things is his monthly mobile phone bill that was sent there. £300 on a mobile phone bill this month (which is almost certainly porn related, based on the emails he was also getting), but yet he complained that he didn't have a fiver for public transport to visit the DCs (so that meant I was denying him contact with the DCs) and didn't have money for child maintenance payment.

Again, it's self-protection, really.

Please do not expect logic from these guys Alice - that won't get you any further. I keep going round in circles with this and have done for years. We have the same situation regarding contact: ExP announced after 2 months that the wanted to see the DCs and before that he told everyone that I did not let him see them which was not true. Meanwhile the DCs don't want to see him anymore and of course I am getting he blame for that.

Just delete his old email account, if you can.

These guys twist and turn things all the time, permanently contradict themselves and don't even see it. Bonkers

But keep a screenshot of the text, by all means.

Well. After a lovely day, I've had a text from someone both stbxh and I know (who I also know didn't have my number ) saying I owe fw an apology, that preventing him from seeing our DC is deplorable and don't I know he's on pieces over all this. Errrr. I have never prevented him from seeing them, infact I've gone out of my way to accomodate him, as usual.
I really want to set this woman straight on stbxh's behaviour and exactly what happened on Thursday. He got the wrong visiting day, I have the text confirming for Friday on my phone. If he hadn't shouted and sworn and been very verbally abuse to me on the phone, if he'd just reacted like a normal, reasonable person making a mistake and taking responsibility for it, I'd have cut the park visit short and gone home so the DC could see him. Which, btw, he didn't even suggest I do, he was far too busy being downright nasty.

Ignore CurtWild. He's obviously put them up to it, and is hoping to drag you into an argument with it. Don't even reply.

alice I won't. It's so tempting though, and it feels awful to have someone else texting me telling me what a bitch I am when I know I'm not. He's obviously given her my number because I know I haven't, she's someone he would consider friend, but I barely know only as an acquaintence via his friendship with her.
No doubt he's been tearing me apart on fb again. I could cry, I really could. You know that tight feeling in the back of your throat when you're stopping yourself from crying, I'm fighting that. I won't spoil what has been a lovely day for my DC by sobbing all over the place. Maybe once they're in bed.

Yes, please ignore, CurtWild don't waste your time crying over him and just focus on the lovely day you are having without him. How bitter must he be to have someone harass you like that. If you feel like it, report it to the police (once the DCs are in bed). She has contacted you for no other reason than to harass you and he put her up to it.

It's likely the police won't be interested. One text won't constitute harassment, and it sounds like she hasn't been threatening, so it's just annoying, really. Just ignore.

My ex is most likely shredding me on facebook, but I don't really care. He can say whatever he wants. I think I've finally managed to get across to some on his friends list that I don't really want to know what he's saying, thankfully. The thing to remember is that those that know me, know better. Those that don't, I don't really care what they think.

And remember, if he is trashing you on facebook, then HE is the one looking awful. Not you. Take the high road. Ignore.

Thanks karen if she carries on texting then I'll look into what can be done. I just feel a bit sorry for myself, that things are being said about me that just aren't true.

You're right there alice, those who know me, know better..and those are the ones who's opinions count..and it doesn't really matter what people I don't know think. Need to remember that when I start feeling sad about it. Ignore. Detach. Do not engage.

One text won't constitute harassment but two will - they may still contact her to tell her to stop that behaviour.

My ex is doing exactly the same, saying things about me that are not true. DS said: "Mummy, this is what he is like and this is why you left him".

It is very hard, but there is nothing much you can do about it, just hope that people will realise in time that he is not telling the truth and he is wrong. Hold your head high, you are not in the wrong, he is, as alice advised! and please! please don't get upset about him. He does not deserve any more of your time. You are having a great time with the DCs, he doesn't. He is sitting there sulking.

Thanks karen..I'm so thankful to have you ladies on here to turn to and be reminded it's not me in the wrong, it's him. I think it'll be a while before that level of conditioning starts to properly wear off.

It is a consolation that they all do the same things, as though they all went on an abuser course, isn't it?

Well I got 3 more 'nice' texts from stbxh's friend (appealing to me as a mother, saying she understood ) and then a really, really nasty one. At that point I sent a plain, polite text saying to leave me alone or I would report her for harrassment. I sent one to fw saying if he didn't tell her to back off I would report them both (I have countless abusive texts from him, including one saying he'd destroy me), equally plain and polite.
He replied saying he thought we were working on things but now he wants nothing more to do with us.
Working on things?! How on earth did he come to that conclusion?! Does he mean with regard to our DC? Or 'we' as in our marriage?
I can't buy into this anymore, it's wearing me out. I didn't expect it to be plain sailing but these mind games are like a continuation of the marriage. I haven't responded to him. I'd love my babies to just have a decent relationship with him but he's making it impossible.
In the last 12 days he's seen them for 2 hours. It's barely worth the effort and heartache. DD1 doesn't even mention him anymore. As sad as that makes me, it's his fault not mine. He's chosen to play games and manipulate rather than step up and play a proper part in their lives. Just a continuation of his unreliability and inability to get his priorities straight.

Evening - I'm not sure how to chip into this thread with a question of my own. I don't want to derail the conversation.

Curt well done.