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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Having the talk

941 replies

lavenderhoney · 26/03/2014 22:15

I'm planning to tell my dh its all over and I want a divorce. He isn't going to be very happy about it. I've asked in the past and he has stormed off, refused and told me I'm crazy. He has no problem discussing our problems with or infront of dc age 7 and 4:( he is not a nice man and he is going to be very nasty indeed, I think.

I left almost 3 months ago ( we did live overseas, he is still there and will be for the future , and he is not from the UK) and now is the time. I should have done it before but for various reasons the solicitor said to wait ( financial). I have to talk to her this week and get things moving but I obviously have to tell dh what's coming.

I need some advice on how to handle it, what to say, and what to do with his reactions. And what to expect. I'm bricking it, frankly:(

OP posts:
Original poster
lavenderhoney · 20/12/2014 20:46

Well, it's happening and I am being v reasonable. We just don't converse or anything. It's very tricky as well as Dd is very poorly so can't go out and ds is bouncing with energy and wants to do stuff. He nearly lost his temper with ds today. We have had a few words, but I think I'm being a mite controlling and I must step back. It's so hard with him being here all day but I am keeping busy. He is being bulldozer like but I just ignore it.

I am trying to find my karma.

OP posts:
Meerka · 20/12/2014 21:15

Well done on being strong - do you know when he's leaving?

Feel free to set limits as to when he goes home, ideally before / just after the children go to bed.

you do not have to socialise with him

And do the little things that help you look after yourself ....

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 20/12/2014 22:59

Thx - and that is what's happening naturally tbh. In fact, tonight he couldn't wait to leave. The fact that I don't have a tv might have something to do with it:)

He's being incredibly amicable and meek. Which is v unlike him and I have no idea how he is doing this. Or why.

OP posts:
Granville72 · 21/12/2014 14:21

Don't worry about it. Be polite and amicable (for the kids sake not his) and tick those days off until he buggers off abroad.

You're doing really well xx

Meerka · 21/12/2014 19:01

wonder if he's 1) trying to convince you he's nice really or 2) concealing something, probably unpleasant. Sorry to be so cynical but well ...

glad he's buggering off quick.

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 21/12/2014 23:09

He sent me an absolute shitogram after he left tonight so he's been concealing his temper.

He is angry the dc are going to their friends and having a tea party " why aren't I invited?" Er- because it's a play date and exchange of christmas presents and your dc do have a life. Why on earth would he want to come to another mums house? The dc want to play with their best friends ( so lucky they are from the same family!) and I don't think it's much to ask:(

I've let him come and go as he pleases so far and just got on with my stuff whilst he amuses the dc. he was v nasty and threatening.

He says im spoiling his holiday. I had no idea he was thinking this was a holiday. I said today re christmas eve, there were a few things I wanted to do with the dc as its my Christmas time with them too. So could he come about lunchtime. He leaves after tea and I do bedtime and bathtime - he doesn't want to get involved in that. He was very pissed off and says I am v selfish as I have them all the time. I just want a tiny bit of Christmassy time with my dc:(

OP posts:
DustBunnyFarmer · 22/12/2014 07:08

Sorry to hear he's being so difficult. You are doing admirably, but don't hesitate to call the Police if you feel
In any way threatened. Have you logged your situation with the DV unit so you get a rapid response if he kicks off? Looking on the bright side, it's good of him to commit his vitriol to paper so you can hand it to your solicitor in the new year. Joking aside though, I am worried for you that his behaviour could escalate over Christmas. Do you have a safe bolt hole for an emergency? Have you spoken to the Police so they'd act quickly if you dialled 999? Please take care.

Meerka · 22/12/2014 08:44

ahahaha. YOU are selfish? YOU?

Oh lavender, I hope you can see the ridiculous side. Like a Dementor, you need to shout Ridikulus in yoru head at him.

his judgement of what is appropriate with the kids is totally off. Stand strong. YOU are their mainstay and them going to a kids party is perfectly ... fucking ... normal. You don't ask kids to a playdate then ask the estranged father along too!

I really do think that dustbunny is right. Log threatening things with the police. Please, lavender. He sounds deeply unstable and I worry for you.

Granville72 · 22/12/2014 09:34

Keep all copies and keep it all logged and forwarded on to your Solicitor - NO IF OR BUTS JUST DO IT.

If you feel threatened then contact your local police and get that logged also.

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 23/12/2014 00:02

It's all gone to my lawyer. The dc are bored with him as he just wants to watch TV and sleep. Ds is especially unamused. He was supposed to pick ds up today from a sports thing, but it's outside(!) he said in front of ds he wouldn't be going to watch even the last ten mins as it was too cold and muddy and what was the point?

I'm doing it tomorrow ( pick up and getting there early ( yes it's grim but ds likes the support) and I haven't canceled the playdate either. He was really pissed that his moaning/ threatening emails didn't work. Dc are thrilled to be doing something with their friends. They are growing up. I want to support them growing up and ( sniff) away from me. I encourage their growing independence and it annoys me he lacks the foresight to see it as normal. He is controlling over them too, I think.

He bought me flowers today. He made dd give them to me so I had to smile and be nice.

OP posts:
DustBunnyFarmer · 23/12/2014 00:14

Sounds like your kids have the measure of him. And the flowers! Hmm What a prize turnip! You sound much stronger today, Lavender - good on you.

DustBunnyFarmer · 23/12/2014 00:14

More detached as well, which can surely only be a good thing.

Granville72 · 23/12/2014 09:26
Xmas Smile
Meerka · 23/12/2014 09:49

good gonig, lavender. Keep strong =) (and shove a rose thorns first up his jacksie if he sends you another threatening email!)

Meerka · 23/12/2014 10:37

Ahem. Sorry. A little crude.

He takes the flipping biscuit though.

Granville72 · 23/12/2014 12:38

Lol Meerka, nothing can be too harsh for this tosser (unless that is harsh for you and you've been on the Christmas Sherry already) Grin

Meerka · 23/12/2014 13:23

two sick children today', poor mites, and the nth night of v little sleep ... one sherry and I'd be unrousably snoozing =)

Donkeysleighbellsringing · 23/12/2014 14:00

Sending you wishes for peace and goodwill and the stamina to deal with ex.

Of course he didn't anticipate this as a holiday or for that matter special bonding time with DCs. He is just using the time of year as an excuse to play victim and pester everyone. He still can't be bothered to do any hands-on parenting stuff and wants to pick and choose. You are absolutely right the DCs will continue to grow and mature and develop friendships and see how other families work. When he breezes in thinking he can make you all jump to his tune he's going to be disappointed. Tough.

Stay strong and vent on here.

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 23/12/2014 23:29

Meerka I hope your family are all well for Christmas!

He is driving me crazy, frankly. I can't bear it, all this dripping round and being useless.

OP posts:
Original poster
lavenderhoney · 24/12/2014 07:17

I can't sleep worrying about it all. I have had to research and book the cinema today ( and pay!) as he won't do it. The dc wanted to go as he said he would take them ( more bloody tv) but of course he wouldn't actually DO anything about it. They kept asking and asking. I sent him the details but he hasn't replied. I hope he turns up to take them.

He also wanted to cook dc Xmas lunch but it turns out he was expecting me to provide all the food. I lost my temper a bit tbh. He said he would do it but I ended up having to fight my way round a supermarket to make sure we have some Christmassy things. I said I would cook christmas lunch not him.

he was expecting to spend christmas Eve ( evening) with me. I said no. He was really weird yesterday as I had to leave to collect ds with dd and straight to the party - so he had to go. He hadn't fed dd or given her her medicine. He kept asking me when I was leaving to get ds, so I said it's none of your business. I think he felt bad about not wanting to watch ds in the field and was hoping I wouldn't go. He could have changed his mind and gone. It's on his way back to wherever he is staying.

OP posts:
DustBunnyFarmer · 24/12/2014 07:42

I know its annoying having him underfoot, Lavender, but it sounds like you are getting much firmer about asserting your needs & he'll go home after this visit knowing the world as he knows it has fundamentally changed. Keep up the good work! X

DustBunnyFarmer · 24/12/2014 07:44

Ps I think if you've paid for the cinema you should get to see the film. If he can't be bothered to sort it out, he shouldn't get to go.

Meerka · 24/12/2014 08:04

lavender it sounds desperately difficult to endure but you really sound like you're handling it well and managing to balance both being reasonable and firm.

Flowers Really hoping that you can enjoy Christmas a bit, at least

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 27/12/2014 21:34

It's over and he's gone. He said if I continue with the divorce it's war:(

I really miss my friend who I have relied on so much. I feel it's inpossible to be the same with them. I just feel incredibly sad tbh and the future seems exhausting. I am dreading everything I have arranged and am pretending to be happy about. I know it will be fine and im glad I've arranged to go away etc but I feel like this right now. It's awful.

I just want to be someone else I think, in a different life. But I'm not and that's it.

OP posts:
marriednotdead · 27/12/2014 21:50

He's gone. Good. About bloody time.
If you continue with the divorce it's war? It's been far worse than war for a long time, there's an end with divorce so KOKO.

I know I will be fine. Please hold onto that statement. I know it's rough right now but everything changes and no matter how long that tunnel is, there's a light at the end of it so keep on going Flowers

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