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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Having the talk

941 replies

lavenderhoney · 26/03/2014 22:15

I'm planning to tell my dh its all over and I want a divorce. He isn't going to be very happy about it. I've asked in the past and he has stormed off, refused and told me I'm crazy. He has no problem discussing our problems with or infront of dc age 7 and 4:( he is not a nice man and he is going to be very nasty indeed, I think.

I left almost 3 months ago ( we did live overseas, he is still there and will be for the future , and he is not from the UK) and now is the time. I should have done it before but for various reasons the solicitor said to wait ( financial). I have to talk to her this week and get things moving but I obviously have to tell dh what's coming.

I need some advice on how to handle it, what to say, and what to do with his reactions. And what to expect. I'm bricking it, frankly:(

OP posts:
Granville72 · 20/11/2014 13:55

You really need to keep contact via your solicitor only and stop entertaining this man and his delusions.

I know it's difficult, but it needs to be done. The more you keep on having contact with him the more he will keep on thinking that he can walk all over you and control what you do.

DustBunnyFarmer · 21/11/2014 18:34

It's lovely tonight!

Having the talk
Having the talk
DustBunnyFarmer · 21/11/2014 18:34

Sorry - wrong thread!

Meerka · 02/12/2014 11:46

lavender how are you doing? I hope you're keeping head above water coping with the runup to christmas and with your Difficult Unreasonable Obstructive ... Thing ....

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 04/12/2014 03:30

That's nice of you meerka:)

I'm not so great really. Dd is very poorly again, hence me being up so late/ early watching her. This does nothing for me wrt his wanting the dc in the summer alone. He has never been involved in dd health care or been there to help when she is poorly. He doesn't know what to do and he won't wake up if it's in the night. He has never got up with them, and even if up he won't help them - he ignores and waits for them to wake me. I get very distressed at the thought of my ds stumbling in the dark, crying fir me from bed wetting/ night terrors ( dh's mum won't let him have nightlight ( thinks he is too old- but it's a strange place and they haven't been for two years) and I wouldn't be there to ignore her) DH does as she says and won't help his ds easily. Dd - it scares me they will ignore dd being poorly and hope she gets better. You can't fuck about with asthma.

I am dreading the coming vacation and how it's going to work. He doesn't really like taking the dc off on his own and I found out recently though the dc he lost dd for 15 mins in a shopping centre - he expects them to follow him slavishly ( he's on the phone, texting, concentrating on ds) ) and dd gets distracted. He really told her off, she cried and both were told not to tell me. I haven't asked him about it yet, He will be really angry with dc for telling. I don't want h in the house but the dc will be better off than in his care. He won't have seen them for 5 months and spoken a few times. He says a judge will let him have them.

I have no idea how to manage Xmas to the best for the children. He still doesn't want to divorce and wants to talk. I am dreading it.

OP posts:
NorthEasterlyGale · 04/12/2014 07:03

Could you consider a contact centre as a neutral venue for the next time he's over, if there's one near you? (Site Here)

Not sure if they'd be suitable, or if you'd want to use them, but might be worth investigating - if you could / would use one, at least it would keep him out of your house and keep the DC safe when with him.

DustBunnyFarmer · 04/12/2014 07:07

Hi Lavender. I'm glad Meerka checked in and I'm glad you posted. Sorry to hear things are so tough.

What strikes me most about your post is how much focus there is on what your husband wants, how he doesn't want a divorce and so on. It doesn't matter what he wants - you have filed for divorce and you want one. Everything you've done over the last year has been planned and executed with a separation in mind, so you need to remember that and not be swayed by his unreasonable behaviour. With regards to your children, it seems clear to me as a dispassionate observer & what you've said in previous posts that he has virtually zero genuine interest in them & he is using them as a means to get at you. You also sound very apathetic at the mo. Please buck up & start exploring what you can do to ensure his contact with the children minimises any risk of harm to them. And stop giving so much (any) consideration to what he wants. You sound entirely in danger of sleepwalking into a crap situation for you and/or the children. If you can't find a bit of iron will for yourself, do it for your kids - who very much need you to step up right now.

DustBunnyFarmer · 04/12/2014 07:12

And Gale's suggestion of a contact centre is a good one. I also suspect having to use one will take the shine off contact for him, as one of the current attractions must aurely be the ability to barge in in your new life and trample all over your boundaries and feelings. I would be pursuing this in your shoes. Also adequate safeguards, first aiders etc if your daughter does have an asthma attack.

Granville72 · 04/12/2014 10:00

Dustbunny is giving very sound counsel.

You need to be doing what is right for you and the children and stop considering this twat and his feelings in everything.

Stop letting him walk all over you. Stand up to him, and stand up for yourself and your children.

NO YOU ARE NOT STAYING IN THE HOUSE
NO YOU WILL NOT TAKE THE CHILDREN AWAY OUT OF THE COUNTRY

As I've repeatedly said before, keep contact via your Solicitor only. The more you continue to converse with him the bigger hole you are digging for yourself. I know you have said he doesn't want to converse via the solicitor, but why do you think that is Lavender? It's because he cant bully and manipulate you.

TwinkleDust · 04/12/2014 10:46

Tell your solicitor about losing your daughter when in his care. How did your daughter know it was 15 mins? What did she do? Did she approach anyone for help..? He knew this was serious, that is why he frightened her into keeping quiet.

Contact centre is the only sensible approach.

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 04/12/2014 12:20

Doing lots of thinking
Dd wasn't upset, she went to a specific place she likes instead of following. Ds knows how long it was because dh had to ask security to help and overheard the timing.

OP posts:
Granville72 · 04/12/2014 12:48

Doesn't matter whether she wandered off or not, the important thing here is Neglect.

Your exH neglected to keep her supervised, neglected to keep watch on her and ensure she was safe. He walked off ahead and expected her to follow.

What if she had been snatched by someone, or ended up being run over and seriously hurt?

In my profession, if I had been found to have done that I would be in serious trouble and likely my registration taken away.

Neglect is a Safeguarding issue. He failed to safeguard her safety.

TwinkleDust · 04/12/2014 13:57

Whether or not she was upset by becoming 'lost' is not relevant to the issue here; he knew he was not acting properly, hence trying to keep the children quiet about it.

Hope your thinking is constructive for you, and your children's, well-being.

Meerka · 05/12/2014 07:27

talking, just thinking of you and

Granville72 · 12/12/2014 10:36

Hope you're not getting too stressed out Honey x

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 16/12/2014 17:25

I'm very stressed actually. He arrives this week but will be staying elsewhere. He still refuses to acknowledge the divorce and is very angry and telling me how rude and cruel I am to say I dont want to decorate the Xmas tree with him and the dc. He told the dc we would be doing it together.
He has never involved himself in any Xmas preps over the years. In fact he has always avoided any christmas stuff at all.

I have had a loveky MN santa parcels though, which made me quite tearful, and the dc can't wait:)
.

OP posts:
Meerka · 16/12/2014 17:31

awww lovely to hear, lav

Is it worth quietly and gently saying to your children that Daddy sometimes promises things without remembering to check with you first, so that sometimes it can't happen?

Remember ... he has no power over you. You are not his, to push and pull around. You are and have been very strong in the face of your Difficult Unreasonable and Obstructive cross to bear. I can't imagine the courage it must have taken to leave him in the first place.

You are holding well.

TwinkleDust · 16/12/2014 18:06
Flowers Flowers Flowers
Original poster
lavenderhoney · 17/12/2014 09:03

Thanks:)

It's a bit sad too that one of my close rl friends is moving overseas over Xmas and won't be able to support me as they have been. And my other friend, who has been there daily for nearly two years now has said they won't be contact able during his visit at all and actually not til jan, when they are happy to yet again always be there for me. I really do rely on this person and they know it, so it was a massive shock. I think I might have to say don't bother then at all but Im not sure if that's just rage or I should be more understanding.

I have new RL friends but it's so hard, losing the old ones.

OP posts:
Meerka · 17/12/2014 10:32

ahh, lavender, they've been there for you, they will be there again for you ... don't be angry with them. It's really hard when someone we rely on andneed isn't there, but they obviously care very much for you as well as having their own lives. I remember when you felt you had no friends at all =) and these sound like good and true friends.

It's not the same, but Mumsnet is here too Flowers cheering you on and metaphorically throwing empty gin bottles at Difficult Unreasonable and Obstructive.

Granville72 · 17/12/2014 12:57

Don't forget there's always MN to rant at and let off steam. Always someone here to give you some support or a kick up the bum (which ever you need). Friends in RL will always be there, sometimes not always when you need them the most, but it doesn't mean they don't care or love you any less. Life just happens to get in the way sometimes.

Good news on the exH staying elsewhere as well, that's one big headache to not have to deal with.

Glad you also got your Secret Santa gift as well from MN. Someone is always thinking of you even when not in RL.

Stay strong, deep breath and tune him and his nasty words out. He'll be back on a plane and off home before you know it.

OvertiredandConfused · 17/12/2014 13:49

Glad to hear from you Lavender. Have been thinking about you lots and hoping you're play.

Great news that he's staying elsewhere. Now remember that it's up to you when he visits your home.

Sending lots of positive vibes. And remember that, even though it has lots of challenges, this Christmas will be a bit easier than last year. A step closer to where you want to be.

DustBunnyFarmer · 17/12/2014 18:49

Good to hear from you Lavender & glad to hear STBXH is not staying with you this time. i'd call that a result - well done! As to the rest of it, well, he's not the boss of you and don't be afraid to say so. Hope you have a nice Christmas, regardless.

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 19/12/2014 07:11

The staying elsewhere bit is good as long as he sticks to it and doesn't keep trying to make me let him stay. I'm going to be very amicable and if he is awful then I can change how things are done. It's the best way really, I don't want to go in fighting.

I'm a bit nervous at the minute as I had a suspected prowler last night but it could be a complete co incidence.

It's only a week. And the advent calendars have never been more annoying. It's a dreadful countdown.

OP posts:
Granville72 · 19/12/2014 10:42

I really feel for you, but it's one more step to your future free from him.

Don't let him bully you to anything, especially staying in the house. If at any time you feel threatened just ring the police, don't even think about it. After all, it will be one more black mark against him for the divorce.

Don't be drawn to any arguments or discussions about staying together. Keep to what you want and keep on telling him - I want a divorce, I do not want to be with you.

Try and keep sane, we're here to support you.