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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Having the talk

941 replies

lavenderhoney · 26/03/2014 22:15

I'm planning to tell my dh its all over and I want a divorce. He isn't going to be very happy about it. I've asked in the past and he has stormed off, refused and told me I'm crazy. He has no problem discussing our problems with or infront of dc age 7 and 4:( he is not a nice man and he is going to be very nasty indeed, I think.

I left almost 3 months ago ( we did live overseas, he is still there and will be for the future , and he is not from the UK) and now is the time. I should have done it before but for various reasons the solicitor said to wait ( financial). I have to talk to her this week and get things moving but I obviously have to tell dh what's coming.

I need some advice on how to handle it, what to say, and what to do with his reactions. And what to expect. I'm bricking it, frankly:(

OP posts:

Meerka · 27/12/2014 22:03

He said if I continue with the divorce it's war jeeze what has it been so far?! goodness me!

However if he's going fullout for nastiness now (has all this really only been him thinking you are kidding??) then please be very, very careful. Tell your solicitor.

I know you are exhausted. You have been unsupported for so long - actively drained by him. But you will come through. And the next few days, you will not have him around. That has to be a big advantage.

Wishing you all warmth and hugs

DustBunnyFarmer · 27/12/2014 23:35

Just adding to the support of others. If it is to be war, so be it. At least he won't keep flipping and flopping and leading you a merry dance. At least you know there's no point in making nice. This has been exhausting (up til now). Once the gloves are off, I suspect the way forward will be so much clearer. You should not feel defeated in any way. You only have to look how far you've come in the last year and how established your new life with your children is. That's HUGE progress. This is the last push - chin up & keep buggering on. You will prevail.

MushroomSoup · 27/12/2014 23:50

War?! BRING IT ON! You've got the MN Army in your corner. Who has he got?

Granville72 · 28/12/2014 12:06

Well done for getting through it, just relax and enjoy the rest of the holidays with your children before school term starts again.

And don't listen to his threats. If it war, then it's war. It's probably all hot air but what the hell if it isn't. As long as you have been forwarding all the threatening emails & texts etc. to your Solicitor then you have a really good defence already to back up your claims.

Original poster

lavenderhoney · 28/12/2014 17:38

I don't want a war or a battle. I avoid anything like that, as long term posters on this thread already know:( The calmness of my solicitor is actually very good for me. The aggresive one I saw had the same advice but was so angry and dynamic I couldn't concentrate, Iyswim.

I am trying to get up to date with everything ( documenting and solicitor) and occupy the dc and hopefully squash in some work this week. It's not looking very hopeful re work and as dc has been poorly so much I have many many hours to make up.

OP posts:

DustBunnyFarmer · 28/12/2014 19:16

You'll get there, Lavender. Take your time and remember to be kind to yourself - you've had a lot on your plate the last couple of weeks.

I also get you not wanting a fight, but DH told me about an interesting talk he heard about game theory. Game theory posits that, in the most part, it is beneficial to co-operate with others (in whatever endeavour) as you're more likely to achieve what you want. However, game theory also talks about the concept of being provokable. i.e if the other person stops co-operating, you have to go on the offensive too. Don't be afraid to fight fire with fire, if that's what's needed to move things on. Even if it isn't a comfortable modus operandi for you, there is a time & place for it. It doesn't make you a bad person, just someone who also has legitimate needs and objectives to achieve too.

Donkeysleighbellsringing · 29/12/2014 10:56

"War"? He has finally grasped you are serious. You have put down roots here, the DCs have settled. Your good friend will be back in touch in January ready to support you if he ups the ante. He is lashing out but what's new. He has not been denied contact, he has spent time with the DCs in their holidays - he can't claim that you are hiding them. Nothing you ever told us about him suggested he is going to roll over easily.

Original poster

lavenderhoney · 29/12/2014 18:35

He has gone absolutely crazy with rage. He wrote to me asking if it was really over and I didn't reply as I was out with the dc. He sent me the most angry hate fuelled email and wants the children's passports copies again. I won't be sending them.

He says as I've been so awful leaving him he wants the children longer for weeks at a time in Europe, all their school hols, and he says a judge will make me do this. The dc don't want to. When he was here he arrived at 10, left at 5 and watched tv all day. He didn't even dress the dc or cook for them or anything. He forgot my dd inhaler when he took her out for an hour. He refused to watch ds play rugby as it was " too cold and muddy"

He swore at me and called me names until I said if he didn't stop he had to leave. The dc heard all this. He is a nightmare and yes, it's now war:(

OP posts:

DustBunnyFarmer · 29/12/2014 19:28

How considerate of him to provide a paper trail for your solicitor. Honestly, you have been straight all along about what you wanted (the divorce). He was choosing not to hear you. You are not responsible for his reaction - he can choose how he responds. He chooses to rage and splutter. I know it must be really, really difficult, but try to let it wash over you.

Do I remember right that you now have a solicitor with experience of ex-pat divorces? I hope so. It is really important he doesn't get the chance to spirit your kids away to the Emirates where you won't be able to get them back. Have you logged their details with the Border Agency/Home Office in case he manages to raise French passports for them?

Meerka · 29/12/2014 22:18

lavender will you be seeing him again?

record what he says on your phone.

Please.

Note everything. What he does, what he doesn't do. What he forgets, what he doesn't. What he says, what he doesn't say.

I can't stress enough how helpful this could be.

And lavender. Bloody well done for standing up to him.

Original poster

lavenderhoney · 29/12/2014 23:33

I rather think he recorded me. Although of course he would have then recorded himself shouting and swearing at me. And me asking him to leave if he wouldn't calm down in the calmest voice I have ever mustered.

I have documented and it's already been emailed to the lawyer. And asked for advice about replying to him but unfortunately it's holiday time/ out of hours so I shall have to wait. I might call tomorrow.

I'm rubbish at all this, it's so stressful. I dread all of it, all the time. I hate waking up, and wondering what will happen. I am not a natural thrill seeker and embarressingly enough I have begun to stutter again when I talk about it ( phone and face to face)

I have arranged to take up yoga.

OP posts:

marriednotdead · 29/12/2014 23:56

Bloody bastard arsehole

Please also document your stress induced stutter- which is not something YOU should be embarrassed about ffs- with both the solicitor and your GP.

Coyoacan · 30/12/2014 04:03

Just read this thread, OP, and someone already recommended it early on, but why don't you see about getting on the freedom programme, people swear by it.

Good luck with everything. Be forgiving with your friends and keep on sticking it to this abusive bastard. I think of all the horrors you have recounted, what most sticks in my mind are your ds' nightmares and wetting the bed when he was there. Ggrrrrr!

Granville72 · 31/12/2014 12:28

As I have repeatedly advised, keep all contact via your solicitor only. Do not converse directly with him, ignore the texts & emails, just forward them on to your solicitor and ignore.

Until you do this, he will not stop the abuse.

Do you think he'll be abusive to your solicitor? Of course he wont.

He doesn't want to converse directly with your solicitor directly I expect purely because of this reason.
Usually when two people divorce and it isn't amicable, they converse only via solicitor. He doesn't want to do this because he knows he can still threaten you and hopefully get you to cave in by using threats against you with the children.

You are divorcing, it is not amicable or healthy. Cut the contact with him.

DustBunnyFarmer · 09/01/2015 21:07

How are you doing, Lavender? Any progress with your lawyer?

Original poster

lavenderhoney · 10/01/2015 09:13

Just waiting.

He has decided he needs a UK lawyer after all, as I refuse to cancel filing and refile elsewhere, where they are not as generous towards the soon to be ex wife as the UK. He wants me to find his lawyer, and provide said lawyer with all relevant information. I said no.

My DS started endlessly clicking his fingers and toes about 3 weeks before Christmas and he has stopped now. ( thank heavens it drove me crazy) I think it must have been stress with DH coming. This seems quite extreme ( dd just did more drawing which she does when stressed) and I think I ought to tell the solicitor. I am quite worried about this because I don't want the dc going alone with him to Europe, passports as well as the other issues.

OP posts:

Original poster

lavenderhoney · 10/01/2015 09:17

Granville, I don't converse with him and haven't for months. It doesn't stop him sending me messages though, which I forward at great expense to my solicitor.

OP posts:

DustBunnyFarmer · 10/01/2015 09:47

Well done for standing your ground Lavender. Cheek of him, asking you to sort out a solicitor..... Hope you see some movement (and resolution) soon.

Granville72 · 10/01/2015 13:43

Good lord, what a lazy toss pot he is, honestly thinking you'd sort his solicitor out for him and all the information. Lazy fecker.

When did you file Lav? Must be nearing the deadline for objecting to it - especially if he hasn't sorted a solicitor

Meerka · 10/01/2015 21:40

Good grief ... difficult Unreasonable and Obstructive wanted you to find him a lawyer and you to give them all relevant info?

(You know, you should have done it. Talk about playing into your hands!)

Ahem. More decently ... Keep on keeping on, lavender. Is school and normal rhythms of daily life calming the children down too?

Original poster

lavenderhoney · 11/01/2015 17:17

Meerka, there is still time.. You might want to PM me and explain what you mean:)

The dc are ok, quite settled. My friend is back but I don't feel so safe and trusting now:(

OP posts:

Original poster

lavenderhoney · 25/01/2015 15:36

My decree nsi is through, despite his ignoring it, and I have been awarded costs. He is disputing it through a lawyer ( UK lawyer).

I have a meeting with my lawyer this week to decide on financial settlement, maintenance (although this can't be enforced, and access to dc.

The other lawyers letter was very aggressive and upsetting as it says I have denied access- he means I wouldn't let him have passports and travel with them. He is threatening suicide, disappearing and says I have made him I'll with depression ( he writes he knows I will use this at court to prove he is unstable (!) - and he gives me a last chance at taking him back and giving him and the dc another chance. This is not even on the table for me.

I have everything documented and just need to get finances together. He won't send me anything to prove his current earnings, but I have detail of his past ones. He says he's had a paycut. I'm cynical and think " well, he would say that"

OP posts:

WellWhoKnew · 25/01/2015 15:55

Hey, good to see you making some progress - I know this is really tough for you, but you're getting there. I realise you don't like any form of confrontation (I don't blame you!) but he's going to get very nasty if he used to getting his own way (I think you know this). Keep reminding yourself this will end one day and keep looking after yourself.

The income-earning spouse in divorce all claim they have become unemployed/taken a pay cut/about to be unemployed/wish to retire immediately...when they are determined to punish you throughout the divorce, I'm afraid. It is one of the cliches. The other, apparently, is medical illnesses emerging from nowhere...I had no idea.

The problem they got is that got to prove it, not just say it. If they don't prove it, they are assumed to be misleading the court...

To save costs on forwarding emails one by one print them out and take to your solicitor when you go to face to face meetings. Saves a fortune!

DustBunnyFarmer · 26/01/2015 21:54

Oh well done, Lavender! Keep buggering on - you are getting there.

Granville72 · 27/01/2015 11:18

I was going to bump this today and see how you were doing.

Progress at least, even it if does seem small steps. Don't let the tosser wear you down, just ignore him the best you can honey.

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