Having the talk

[lavenderhoney]

I'm planning to tell my dh its all over and I want a divorce. He isn't going to be very happy about it. I've asked in the past and he has stormed off, refused and told me I'm crazy. He has no problem discussing our problems with or infront of dc age 7 and 4:( he is not a nice man and he is going to be very nasty indeed, I think.

I left almost 3 months ago ( we did live overseas, he is still there and will be for the future , and he is not from the UK) and now is the time. I should have done it before but for various reasons the solicitor said to wait ( financial). I have to talk to her this week and get things moving but I obviously have to tell dh what's coming.

I need some advice on how to handle it, what to say, and what to do with his reactions. And what to expect. I'm bricking it, frankly:(

Lavender he can't make you sell the house. Not until your dc are out of full time education. He would have a charge in his 50% or whatever the court decided he should have

No, he can't- but owing to the tricky finances I could be made to sell it to pay him off.

He knows this will mean the children will be worse off but he said he doesn't care - he said its my fault for divorcing him. And they will know what a bitch I am as if I had just put up with his antics we wouldn't be in this divorce mess.

No one will make you sell it to pay him off

If the courts say that you owe him say £50k to buy him out of the house, he can be made to wait for it.

Thanks dolly:) my new strategy is to do nothing ( ie respond or allow lawyers to write pointless and expensive letters to each other) and just get on with my life and ensure the DC have a good time.

That hasn't worked at all.

He refuses to discuss anything that happened wrt his Db threatening to take the DC away and his DM not noticing my dd being taken out if the house unknown to her. He insists on a legal agreement he can take them four weeks a year ( he means abroad to his parents ) and I don't want him to have the passports and now I don't want them in care of his DM, and the DC are terrified of their uncle now. My sol says that they are entitled to a relationship with their foreign family. I also presume he means for me to take care of the surprise puppy he bought the DC whilst he takes them away. She says it will go to court which he wants anyway, and he will most likely win and be allowed to take them.

Finances are a fucking nightmare and despite my saying no he has arranged an estate agent to come round and value the house for sale, emailed me a time and told me to allow access. If I refuse he says I am being obstructive and his lawyers will use that against me in court. My sol says ask him to cancel it, I have but he just told me to allow access as he wants the house sold and me and the kids in rental.

The DC will be there so what do I say to them? I'm supposed to be on hols and this is all awful. He knows dd is poorly and he hasn't bothered asking anything.

Whose name is the house in? And whose name is on the mortgage?

If it's joint names then he cannot do anything without your consent - including getting it valued. If it's in your name solely, then again he cannot doing anything full stop.

I advised you at the time you were buying this house with his input and finances that it was a massive mistake and would cause more hassle.

Either way, refuse entry to anyone he has arranged unless it is his name solely on the deeds and mortgage. And he cannot force you to sell or leave the house until the children are 18 so he can go swivel.

xx

Explain to the estate agent who owns the property. Tell them you are not moving and the house is not being sold. They won't know, they will also be doing a valuation to sell not a valuation for court purposes

They would charge for that. They will run away as they wont get any commission on a house that isn't being sold

It's harassment, from him.
The court will not force a sale

He won't stop sending emails. I am not coping.

Give yourself a day or two - stop reading the emails. Take a breath. His bombardment is designed to do exactly what it's doing - put you off balance.

Once you have taken time to collect yourself, and take a few days of required remember - you hold a lot of the cards here. You are in the UK. You have your DC with you. You are not helpless and you do this.

Also, get another solicitor - the one you have does not believe he would snatch you kids. Also , grandparents have no legal right to a relationship with their GC. They can go to court to apply for visitation right - but unless they have an ongoing and close relationship with them are very, very u likely to succeed. Esp when they have paid no attention to them and live in another country.

You need a solicitor that belives and supports you - not to act as a counseller - but to be your advocate. And this one isn't doing that job.

I do not believe that you will be made to send the children to his country, I don't think any uk court would order that.

You need to document everything that has happened, write a timeline so you don't forget any of it.

You still seem to believe that you are powerless and have to do as he says. Stop engaging with him, he will never be reasonable.

You seem to think he has power over you but he hasn't, you hold all the cards. It's understandable that you are scared, you need to detach emotionally from him, also get a different solicitor, a rottweiler type is what you need.

Can you get a trusted friend to read the emails first or set up a folder that they go straight into and only look maybe once a week when you are feeling calm.

You must get out of panic mode and you won't be able to think rationally and calmly when like that.

Wasn't the financial side/ house sorted out in the divorce? Surely he can't change the goalposts now??

He is pushing and giving deadlines and also threatening me with court if I don't respond in time. I can't just stop reading emails.

Anthony, no, a court won't stop the DC going to country with The Hague convention BUT he doesn't live in a country with this in place. His family do. And as I have written below in the thread, wouod a court think letting the DC go and allowing passports safe?

Very hard and stressful. Can you ring the estate agent and explain the situation. It is unlikely that they will want the confrontation.

Ignore his deadlines and threats of court. He is full of bullshit. He's not living in the uk so do you really think he is going to stay in the uk and go through the long drawn out court process?? Of course not.
You are allowing him to control you through your fears about the children, he knows this and is using that fear against you. These fears are entirely understandable, but he really has no power.
A court won't order that you send your children to visit the grandparents (who have no rights whatsoever).
You must take control of this. Start by ignoring his emails, what's he going to do? He still thinks he has authority over you and until you start ignoring him, you are allowing him that.

Oh and don't accept the dog. You say you have to, but you really really don't, that is all part of still allowing him control over you.
Until you start to believe that he does not have control over you, you'll keep going around in circles, stressing out and not thinking rationally. That is not good for the children. Take control of this situation because he really does not have the control that you seem to believe he does.

He has filed for court. He doesn't have to be here, his lawyers can do it/ Skype link.

He emailed me telling me he wouldn't contact me again til after court unless it's about the DC but has already sent me a message that he would rather all the money was spent on the DC. Surely if he thought that he wouldn't go to court and he wouldn't take half my savings ( he doesn't have any) or half my pension ( he doesn't have one) and of course the huge credit card debt he has in his name he took out whilst married and apparently debt to his father and friends which I don't know about I am also liable for half of that debt.

Why the fuck anyone gets married is beyond me now.

How do I manage with the DC? Am I supposed to pretend he's lovely or be non commital whilst their life changes for the worse because of him?

Did your solicitor not get him (& you) to sign a Declaration of Trust during the divorce to state that neither of you go after one another's pensions, debts etc. once divorce was finalised?

If not, then I seriously would question your solicitors intent and abilities.

This is basic stuff to protect you.

Update. Am in court soon as he is claiming spousal maintenance. I have a new lawyer. New lawyer can't understand the madness but hey- I still have to pay as I have a court summons. And childcare for the day. And doggy day care as its during half term.

I'm struggling. And if anyone clicks on this thread, please read it before posting. I'm not doing so well.

Wow. He really is on another planet isn't he. Twat.

I really hope that this lawyer is better than your last one, someone competent needs to wipe the floor with him and his.

I am looking for the silver lining. All I can say is that there's finally a date to address the insanity of it all. He can't have it all, nor can he have something you haven't got to give.

Big hugs from me, you think you won't get through this but you will, and it has to get better. I'm thinking of you and sending strengthening vibes

Bloody hell. You'd do well to do a runner. I'm serious.

I married a foreigner (country not covered by the Hague Convention) so I know what I'm talking about. You need to get everything tied down tight as far as the kids are concerned. He has every intention of taking them.

You have to stop being reasonable. He's not remotely reasonable - you're his property, the kids are his property, and that's that as far as he's concerned. You do what you're told or he'll force you - end of.

Glad to hear you have a new solicitor - the other one sounded complete crap.

Sorry I haven't RTFT. You have to get TOUGH and stop being reasonable, decent and kind. Waste of time with someone like this - he'll walk all over you. Give up the fantasy that he's a decent human being (by british standards??). He plain isn't and has no intention of being.

Have you done the Freedom Programme?

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. Google 'abducted kids' or suchlike and get some heavies onto this. You're going to need it

yy kids need their father - but not always. They don't need a father like this, sad though that is.

I will try to RTFT xx

I haven't read the whole thread either but just wanted to reach out and give you a hug.

.for how many times in the day as it takes, take yourself to a quiet place and repeat these three mantras

I will not allow myself to be bullied by you
I will not allow myself Tobe threatened by you
I will not allow myself to be harassed by you

This lets your sub conscious know that you are reclaiming your power. That you are not fearful or afraid.

Finish with three positives.
I am strong
I am powerful
I am fearless

I'm glad you have got a new lawyer, I hope they wipe the floor with him.

Stay strong, don't let the bastard win or drag you down honey.

xx

Good article in the Family section of yesterday's (Saturday) Guardian - can't link (but please do try to find it), top story re the author's mother who did a runner with her two kids (author and her brother) to get away from her nutter husband, the author's father. Sometimes this is the only solution i wish I'd taken . I think you have to realise this sort of thing is in a whole other league, normal rules don't apply.

You may or may not have to be quite as drastic but imo (and ime) situations like this need relatively drastic action. We're talking completely different cultural values here. He simply will not let go (T-shirt) and will plague you for ever (a matter of honour?). He can drag you endlessly through the courts, running you ragged, indefinitely. I do know precisely what I'm saying here, sadly.