Having the talk

[lavenderhoney]

I'm planning to tell my dh its all over and I want a divorce. He isn't going to be very happy about it. I've asked in the past and he has stormed off, refused and told me I'm crazy. He has no problem discussing our problems with or infront of dc age 7 and 4:( he is not a nice man and he is going to be very nasty indeed, I think.

I left almost 3 months ago ( we did live overseas, he is still there and will be for the future , and he is not from the UK) and now is the time. I should have done it before but for various reasons the solicitor said to wait ( financial). I have to talk to her this week and get things moving but I obviously have to tell dh what's coming.

I need some advice on how to handle it, what to say, and what to do with his reactions. And what to expect. I'm bricking it, frankly:(

Christ he's still at it then. One day you'll be free. You might be skint, the kids might be adults, but you'll be free

No solutions here but I'm glad you have a new lawyer. He can look in whatever mirror he wants, it will still show a piece of shit.

Finally read the full thread :-(

Hard reading lavender but you are doing one amazing job.

Keep playing hard ball with him. He doesn't deserve children.

You will win this. Don't ever give up on that thought.

Only gentle hugs from me, Lavender. So sorry to hear that it's dragged on for so long and that your ex is still being a twat. You will get there eventually - final push, eh? I know it seems a lifetime away at the moment, but there will be a point when this is behind you and you get to live the life you want without his interference. In the meantime, keep buggering on. He wants to wear you down, so feign a stony carapace if you have to and you will prevail.

Christ he's still at it then

Yes (wearily..) Par for the course, I'm afraid. It never ends. You can get him stapled down - ruthlessly - but he'll find a way. He'll be back.

Sorry to be so bleak but ime I only got rid of him when he died - and I had come to the realisation I would only be free when one of us pegged it (and i thought it would be me). He DID NOT GIVE UP. If you think that at some point he'll give up then think again. It may at least up your game to realise this?

(P.S. I've NC but was regularly on your thread early on.)

Springydaffs - Given that Lavender has said she's feeling fragile, do you really think your doom mongering posts are helpful? It may be true of your experience, but it doesn't necessarily apply to Lavender's situation. Yes, her ex is very persistent, but that doesn't mean he won't give up - and perhaps sooner, rather than later.

I'm aware of that, I KNOW what iam saying is brutal - but I wish someone had said it to me back in the day! It would have saved me 15-20 years and my kids embroiled with a dreadful man, who happened to be their biological father but was much more concerned with honour and possession. Insurmountable cultural differences imo.

Back in the day when I was a wreck btw. Even then I needed to hear it.

The law may well have changed and you can maybe hope for better protection, lavender - but you have to be on it with the heaviest heavies. Being aware of the potential reality of this dynamic can only be a good thing, even though it's very very difficult. We are convinced that good will out - but it really doesn't in a situation like this eg if I am decent and fair, he will be decent and fair. It doesn't work like that.

But I've said my piece and I'm very very sorry you're faced with this lavender. It is hell. I hope you find a way through to peace

I've RTFT but not previously posted.

I just wanted to say you're doing an amazing job of being strong. He's trying to wear you down. If you can, try and set boundaries around when you'll let him in (ie only check his emails once a day or something).
Mostly though I wanted to say keep going! You're doing amazing, and one day you will get to the other side

Thanks for posting - i haven't as I've been poorly for the first time in months. Also it's made me really unhappy and unable to see an end to all this misery which I know isn't rational - well, it could be true but as I don't know for sure what the future holds, it's advisable to remain positive - but being so ill has made it harder to deal with and take that view.

Springydaffs, much as I would like to run away, my pic and that of the DC being twittered worldwide would find us in a matter of hours. Much as I dislike the thought, perhaps one day that will work in my favour.

Exdh is European and lives and works in a non Hague convention country. The DC are not allowed to travel anywhere that doesn't have The Hague convention. The DC are unhappy at their age, their thoughts and desires are not being taken into account and if he wants to take them abroad to see his family he can. He doesn't give a crap what they want.

My new lawyer is ok, and kind about me having to pay in instalments. The cost is higher than needed since his attempt at court for spousal maintenance which he knew would go no where, but ensures more misery, stress and debt for me. And childcare costs etc - he didn't even have to attend being abroad and in fact was on a luxury holiday at the time. It's all insane.

I need a new job but so many factors stop me, and I don't know if they are real or I'm overwhelmed and not thinking properly. I also miss having my DM to call or her call because although she would have useless most probably been annoyingly useless, having had no experience of this , at least she was there.

She's still there Lav, always will be in your heart and looking over you. And you can still speak to her you know, it will be a one sided conversation of course, but that doesn't stop you talking to her.

Are you able to visit her grave / stone, or a place she loved?

Glad the spousal maintenance feel flat in it's arse. Are you getting help from benefits at all? There is an online calculator via the gov.co.uk, or take a look at 'what am I entitled to' website.

I've never gone for benefits, but thanks to my ex and a 3 year old to support, I've sought help and have been amazed at the help and support given out (not just financial). It's honestly worth a look.

Sorry to hear you've been ill, you sound a little more positive though :D

I am better now, but my dd has just come out of hospital which meant huge organising for ds and of course the pets. I have been so tired I thought at one point I would just collapse on the ground.

He is due here for christmas, pissed off he isn't staying with us (!) and tbh I'm dreading him coming. He just wants the DC during the day except Xmas when he wants to spend the day. I have said no but he keeps on. I have suggested he take the DC to lunch somewhere but he won't agree.

Granville thanks re my DM but I just don't get time - she is buried a long way away unfortunately plus I think it would just upset me more. I don't get time for anything and even dd said things don't have to be perfect and I'm too hard on myself. But if I don't do everything no one else will. And things have to be done. Court again soon - and the expense! It's ridiculous. I'll be paying for this divorce for the next few years which exhausts me just thinking about it.

Maybe hold off on the divorce if it's getting costly. You live apart anyway, so it's just a piece of paper. Once you have lived apart for 1 year, you can file for divorce and he can't contest it. In England it might be 2 years? I did an on-line divorce for £450. Had the kids been over 16, I could have done it for much less - around £99.

www.divorce-online.co.uk/divorce-services/managed-divorce-services/managed-divorce?gclid=CKGj-ICswsgCFasEwwodNvYBEw

I believe LH is already divorced. This is about kids and finances.

Yes, I'm divorced now. Thank fuck. It appears that was the easy bit (!) although it certainly didn't seem it at the time.

This is about managing the aftermath and the ongoing shitstorm of dramatics he likes to throw at me. It's a very long thread though!

How are you doing? You must be counting down the weeks until he turns up at your door again for Christmas.

Merry Christmas Lavenderhoney. I truly hope you and the children have a nice a time as possible and your exh doesn't make it too uncomfortable for you.